Wednesday, December 23, 2009

The Real Reason Santa Wears Red

Leland and I are a one car family so I drop him off at work before I head to work and pick him up on my way home. He works only a few minutes from home, so it’s not out of the way at all. Today Leland wanted to be able to leave work early, so he drove me instead.

I always enjoy it when Leland drives me to work. That extra time together in the morning always perks me up and leaves me in a good mood. On the ride this morning, Leland and I started talking about Santa and how parents aren’t afraid to use Santa as a threat to their kids.

You better be good, Santa is watching.

If you keep misbehaving I am going to call Santa and tell him you were bad.

Only good little kids get presents from Santa.

Watching these threats work on my nephew, Leland wondered why parents don’t use this threat year-round.

Trying to explain to him that young children don’t see that far into the future, he still insisted that it was a good idea.

“Here’s how it would work,” Leland said. “At first you could threatened your child by saying that Santa is watching and if he continues to be bad that Santa won’t come to their house this year. If the child is still bad, then tell them that Santa won’t come the following year either. If that still doesn’t work, let them know that Santa will now be taking back gifts he already bought them. At this point though, kids will probably not care anymore about gifts, so you may have to tell them that if the bad behavior still continues, that Santa will come and beat them in their sleep, which is the real reason Santa’s suit is red. It’s covered in the blood of bad children. And if you want to be really extreme (like that isn’t extreme enough), you could tell them that Rudolph’s nose is red because when Santa is done beating them in their sleep, Rudolph comes in and guts them with his nose and antlers.”

That, my friends, is Leland’s idea for parenting. I guess my kids are going to be pretty fucked up, huh?

And it doesn’t even end there.

“We could even change the lyrics of Christmas songs to let the kids know that Santa should not be messed with,” Leland said.

“So you think it is a good idea to vilify Santa?” I asked.

“Sure because I know I wouldn't want to mess with someone who beats kids in their sleep and uses his pets to rip their guts out,” Leland said.

Fair enough.

So Leland started singing:

You better not shout,
You better not cry,
You better not pout
Or he’ll punch you in the eye
Santa Claus is gonna beat you down.

He knows when you’ve been sleeping,
He knows when you’re awake,
He knows when you’ve been bad or good,
If you’re bad your nose he’ll break.

Merry Christmas everyone! Have a fun, safe and happy holiday!

***Just in case you were wondering, Leland and I are both AGAINST beating children. I see how you might have been confused by this post***

Friday, December 18, 2009

New Years Resolutions

Because someone mentioned to me that I might need to put an “Adult Content” warning on my blog, I decided to write a “clean” post. Don’t worry, it won’t last too long!

Here’s my attempt at cleaning up my act:

Like most people, every year I make some new resolutions. I try to make sure they are things I can actually accomplish, and try to keep them more specific than just lose weight. It has been a while since I have actually kept a resolution. The last one I followed through on was the year I decided to read 75 books. During that year I was a reading machine. I limited myself to only 15 chick-lit books. The other 60 had to be something I could learn from. I read a lot of biographies, history, and classics I had never read before. I became quite the know-it-all and I know I got on a lot of nerves.

I decided to read 75 books because I had just graduated college and was afraid of becoming stupid and losing my literary skills. It was a fun and challenging year that culminated in a nose bleed. I was finishing book number 75 and it was December 31. I was reading Cunt by Inga Muscio. No, I am not being dirty again, this was actually a very good, enlightening book that every woman and man should read. Leland read it and he now says he has more cunt-pride than most women. Anyway…Leland and I were in Toronto with our friend Eric for New Year’s Eve and they were sitting in the hotel room, watching me flip pages, getting closer and closer to the end of the book. When I was done, I calmly put the book down and let out a big breath. I was done.

Leland and Eric started celebrating for me, jumping on the bed and high-fiving. Something happened and there was a high-five snafu. Somehow Leland high-fived Eric’s face instead of his hand and Eric got a nose bleed. Always the good sport, he said he did it for me.

This year I have made a few resolutions for myself that if followed through on, should help me reach some personal goals for myself. Yes, of course, I want to lose weight, but I wanted to be more specific. I want to keep writing, but just saying I want to write isn’t enough to keep me in line. And I haven’t read a book in a long time and want to do more of that.

So without further ado, here are my New Years Resolutions:

1. Walk 2010 miles in 2010. On average, most people walk about 1.5 miles a day with just the normal amount of footsteps they take. I have asked Leland to buy me a pedometer for Christmas so I will be able to count every step. To make my goal, I will have to walk 5.5 miles a day. This will most likely help me with my weight loss goal as well.
2. Write 2010 words every week in 2010. That comes out to being 402 words a day, five days a week. NaNoWriMo was awesome because it got me writing, but spitting out 2000 words a day for a month allowed me to spit out 2000 words a day for a month. It was like literary diarrhea. 402 words a day will help me to produce a good amount of writing that should hopefully be worth something.
3. Read 2010 pages every month in 2010. That should come out to be about 4-6 books a month, depending on the length of the book, obviously. This time I am not putting any requirements on what I read, just as long as I am reading. I’m figuring with the other two resolutions, I will probably want some less challenging books to read and I don’t want to set myself up to fail.

So there you have it. Since so many of you seemed to enjoy the first BJ story, please stay tuned. I have one more for you.

I told you the cleanliness would be short lived!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

A BJ Story. Yes, It is What You Think

Secretia over at Secret Story Time asked her readers to tell her about the time they learned about sex. This is definitely worth a blog post.

I am sure I learned about sex and reproduction at some point, I just can’t remember the actual details. Maybe my parents talked to me, maybe I learned it in school. My mom wasn’t big on talking about sex, she just told my sisters and I over and over again that we were not allowed to have sex. End of story.

There is one conversation about sex that I remember fairly vividly. It was the first time I learned about blow jobs. Or head. Or blowies. But when I was 12 and just learning all about BJ’s, no one ever called it Oral Sex. I mean, come on, we were all pubescent teenagers. Of course we aren’t going to call it oral sex.

When I was growing up, I had a group of friends from my street that I would hang out with on weekends. Okay, maybe not friends, I mostly just tagged along with my older sister. They were all older than me, they were definitely bad influences on me, but for some reason my parents loved them so it was okay that I hung out with them. I was 12 years old and on the weekends and during the summer we would hang out until well into the middle of the night.

While we were together we were usually doing super innocent stuff like laying in the middle of the street looking at the stars, playing ghost in the graveyard (we thought it was super funny to yell BLOODY TAMPON instead of GHOST IN THE GRAVEYARD. We were so clever), playing spin-the-bottle, or just walking around the neighborhood. It was during these times that I had my first kiss. But since there were four boys, I don’t remember who my first kiss actually was. I was always too nervous to French kiss, so maybe those kisses don’t count as my first kiss after all.

Things weren’t always so innocent though. I distinctly remember playing Red Rover in Tony and Brian’s backyard and having Brian try to talk me into saying swear words. I eventually gave in and repeated them back to him, but I did so in a whisper which made everyone laugh at me and call me a baby. My sister Elisabeth stood up for me though, which seemed to make it all okay.

Another time we were all hanging out, pulling a late night. We couldn’t find a bottle to play spin-the-bottle with, so we ended up walking around the neighborhood. Eric, who was 14 at the time, asked me if a friend of mine thought he was cute. We talked about her for a little while, and then he asked me, “Do you give head?”

“What’s head?” I asked.
Eric laughed at me and then made sure to tell everyone I didn’t know what head was.
“Head is a blow job,” Eric said.
Not learning from my first admission I asked, “What’s a blow job?”

Again, more laughs. I was so embarrassed. I was the youngest one in the group and I always tried so hard to fit in and act older than I was, and here I was, throwing months of acting out the window. Stoltz came to my rescue. He got the guys to shut up and stop laughing. As I hung back from the group on the walk home, he walked with me.

“So, are you gonna tell me what Eric was talking about?” I asked him.

“Probably not, you are a little young,” Stoltz said. Stoltz was the oldest in the group. The same person who was explaining blow jobs to me was actually my babysitter at one point. How fucked up is that?

“Really? You can’t let this happen to me again. I need to know what they are talking about so they don’t think I’m a baby. I’m 12, almost 13. I can handle it,” I said.

So for the rest of the walk back to our street, Stoltz told me all about blow jobs. He told me that some people spit and others swallow, and if I was ever asked which one I did, I should always say I swallow, even if it was a lie. He told me that most guys liked blow jobs better than sex, so if I wasn’t ready for sex I could just give a blow job. He told me that when I do give a blow job I should remember to fondle the guy’s balls. He told me the only time I should use teeth during a blowy was if the guy forced his dick into my mouth. If that happened, he told me to bite the damn thing off.

While he was telling me all of this, I was trying to remain calm and cool. I didn’t want him to know how grossed out I was at the thought of putting a guys dick in my mouth. I just smiled and nodded and took in the info. There is no way in hell I am ever doing that! I thought to myself. Yuck!

The conversation came in handy though. I was able to teach all of my friends about blowies. And if some older boy at school was ever being mean to me, I just told him to cut it out or I would bite his dick off. Worked every time. Occasionally some asshole would ask me if I spit or swallow and since I was prepared all I had to say was “your dick will never have the pleasure of being in my mouth so that really doesn’t matter.”

Maybe my friends from my neighborhood weren’t such bad influences on me after all. My midnight tutoring on blow jobs did come in handy and I learned a lot about the person I wanted to be from hanging out with them. Which basically meant that I decided I would rather be a prude than ever put a dick in my mouth. And I was a prude. Up until the day I met Leland.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Man Crushes

On Sunday afternoon, Leland and I were sitting on the couch eating lunch and watching Saturday’s edition of Saturday Night Live. We don’t usually watch SNL, but Leland wanted me to DVR it because he wanted to see Taylor Lautner hosting the show. Yes, you read that correctly, Leland wanted to see Taylor Lautner. I wasn’t complaining because I think Taylor is all kinds of yummy and have always been on Team Jacob, I was just surprised that Leland wanted to watch. Like most men, Leland doesn’t understand why so many people have gone Twilight crazy. Whenever I ask him to take me to see New Moon he just rolls his eyes and says “Suicide is an option.”

When he asked me to DVR SNL I asked him why.

“Because Taylor is hot,” Leland said, “I want to see if he takes his shirt off.”

If you saw the episode, you know that much to Leland’s disappointment, he kept his shirt buttoned up tight. But that didn’t keep him from being glued to the television. He “ooh”ed and “ahh”ed pretty damn often and kept saying things like, “he is such a man for only being 17,” and “he is sooo hot,” and “why doesn’t he take his shirt off?” By the time we were done watching, I was fairly concerned. I wasn’t really sure what to think of the reaction MY HUSBAND was having to Taylor Lautner. I know I was having a reaction, but was taken aback by the fact that MY HUSBAND was having a greater reaction than I was. Aren’t I supposed to be the woman in the relationship?

Later that night Leland said to me, “I think I am going to add Taylor Lautner to my Top 5.”

“You are adding a guy to your Top 5?” I asked.

“Well I’ll have to make a list of just guys. Right now it will only be a Top 3 list because I can only think of three guys I would let put it in my ass. Taylor is one, and Ryan Reynolds and Hugh Jackman are the other two,” Leland said.

So Leland has man crushes. I can handle that. And I cannot deny that Taylor, Ryan and Hugh are all very delicious.

“You know, Taylor is pretty much shirtless for all of New Moon,” I said.

“Really?” Leland said. “Let’s go see it this week.”

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Happy Dance Down the Stairs, Merry SITSmas, and a Survey

Merry SITSmas! New to SITS? Just click here.

Merry Christmas to all my blogging friends! Especially to Cathy at Antsy Pants. I am currently blaming her for the snow I am getting in my neck of the woods. I honestly believe that if she hadn’t been wishing for snow I wouldn’t have to shovel my driveway this evening.

And even though I am blaming Cathy for the snow, I can’t lie and say I completely hate the snow. When I woke this morning and saw the ground covered, I actually did a little happy dance in the upstairs hallway. And then I lost my balance and slid down a few stairs. I can only blame myself for that one. I have been a klutz my whole life, I should have learned by now that doing any kind of dance at the top of the stairs is a bad idea.

Now that I am at work though, the snow doesn’t make me happy. I know it’s going to take me twice as long to get home tonight and then I have at least two hours of cardio in front of me while I shovel my driveway. But always in the Christmas spirit, I am listening to some Christmas tunes and singing at my desk. Maybe tonight Leland and I will go for a walk in the snow, holding hands to help keep each other warm. How sweet would that be?

This survey has been going around some blogs I read and I thought this would be the perfect time to pass along a Christmas survey. Created by Mandy at Mandy’s Life After 30. Here are her rules:

If you're reading this post, then you must:

(a) leave a comment and answer the below 25 questions that Mandy made up,

(b) write the answers to the questions below in your own blog post, if you have a blog, that is.

or (c) call yourself a scrooge in the comment below and refuse to answer them.

I hope you choose (A) or (B) but if you choose (C) then I'll just let the ghosts of Christmas past, present and future deal with you. If you do decide to write your own blog post about it, please mention Mandy since she is the author of these important questions. (Writers credit and all that jazz - thanks!)

Okay, here goes.

(1) What is your favorite Christmas movie?
I love Elf. I watch it as many times during the holiday season as Leland will let me get away with. It usually ends up being once a week.

(2) What is your LEAST favorite Christmas movie?
White Christmas, all the singing and dancing really annoys me and the story line drives me nuts. If people just talked to each other there wouldn’t be all the confusion!

(3) What is your favorite Christmas song?
Let it Snow. And anything sung by Harry Connick Jr. Love him.

(4) What Christmas song(s) drives you crazy?
I’ll be Home for Christmas. It’s depressing. “I’ll be home for Christmas, if only in my dreams?” Please, I have no room for sadness in my life around the holidays.

(5) What is your favorite Christmas drink? (i.e. egg nog, hot chocolate)
Lots of rum with a shot of egg nog!

(6) What is your favorite Christmas memory?
Waking up Christmas morning when I was a child. I would always try and get up some time during the night and peak at my stocking. But then in the morning when all of the gifts were magically under the tree, sitting around in PJs waiting for mom to make breakfast so we could open gifts, it was just so magical.

(7) What is the best toy/gift you've received on Christmas?
The original Nintendo. My sisters and I were so pumped. I also loved my bean bag chair, and my weaving loom (though I hated it when I first opened it, I came to love it later.)

(8) What is the worst toy/gift you've received on Christmas?
My grandma always gave my sisters and I these god awful sweaters. They were usually pink with little bunnies on them. They stayed in my bottom drawer until I knew they wouldn’t fit any more and then went directly in the garbage. I wasn’t going to put my ugly sweater in the goodwill bag. Trust me, no one would want to wear these sweaters.

(9) What do you LOVE about the holidays?
The magic.

(10) What annoys you about the holidays?
Parking lots. During the holidays I have serious parking lot rage. I do my best to stay as far away from them as I can. And if I can’t, I always park as far back as possible. Even the biggest Who can lose control and end up ramming the car into a pedestrian that stopped in the middle of a lane to talk to someone, blocking the flow of traffic.

(11) Do you prefer star or angel on top of a Christmas tree? Or something else?
I have an angel on the top of my tree, but I like either one.

(12) What is your family favorite recipe at Christmas?
Pierogis. Yum.

(13) Are you a Grinch or a Who at Christmastime?
I am a Who all the way. I have no idea how many times I say “Christmas is a magical time,” all year round. Some people actually find me annoying because I am so wound up and overflowing with Christmas spirit.

(14) Christmas light displays - Love them or Hate them?
Love them. Leland and I drive around every year looking for the biggest, gaudiest, loudest display. We drink hot chocolate and listen to Christmas music, and then make fun of the people who have no taste.

(15) Santas at the mall - Fun times or Creepy?
It depends. I think it’s magical looking at all the kids standing in line, with looks of hope and excitement. However, if the Santa was like Bad Santa, I would take my child and run.

(16) Christmas cards - do you send them, yes or no?
I usually don’t, but I actually have them all signed and ready to be mailed this year. I usually forgo Christmas cards for Valentine’s Day cards but I guess I am doing both this time around.

(17) What is the best thing about Christmas, in your opinion?
The holiday spirit, time with family, snuggling up in front of the fire, decorating the house, making cookies, listening to Christmas music, ordering things online and then getting excited when they get delivered, finding the perfect gift for everyone…I can go on and on.

(18) What is the worst thing about Christmas?
Scrooges. I’m still trying to convert Leland from a Grinch to a Who. It’s a slow process.

(19) When do you put the tree up and take it down?
We always put it up Thanksgiving weekend and it comes down sometime after Christmas. Sometimes it’s the day after, sometimes it’s the following week.

(20) Out of the 12 days of Christmas, which day and item would you want your true love to give to you?
Not a partridge in a pear tree because birds sort of freak me out. So that leaves out French hens, calling birds, turtle doves, and the geese. I think I’ll go with the golden rings, because then I can turn my gold into cash!

(21) Why do you think that Grandma got run over by a reindeer?
Because he was mad at her for getting him an ugly sweater for Christmas.

(22) Who is your favorite reindeer?

(23) Do you believe in Santa Claus?
I believe in the magic of Christmas. Christmas is a magical time!

(24) What is your favorite smell at Christmastime?
Real Christmas trees and cookies baking in the oven.

(25) What would make you happy at Christmas this year?
A drama free day. Or two. I would also be happy if I managed to not gain any holiday weight.

Off Christmas topic...
Five years ago Dimebag Darrell was killed onstage during a concert. For those of you who don't know, Dime was the guitar player in Pantera, Damageplan, and Rebel Meets Rebel. He is considered the most influential guitar player in heavy metal music. He was Leland's greatest influence and a whisky drinker. Tonight we will be doing shots in his name. If you are interested in learning more about Dime, click here.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

What's In A Name?

I work in a small office with only two other people. During a normal workday we probably spend about 3 hours just chatting with each other. We talk about our families, weekend plans, complain about the boss and talk about other people.

That’s right. We gossip. And I am the only female. Sometimes I think men are worse gossipers than women. Anyway….

We try to be as nice about our gossiping as possible, so we have given all of the people we talk about nicknames. Check them out:

Stroke it: A man who used to work here but was fired for repeatedly getting caught masturbating on the job. True story.

Anti-Santa: A truck driver who looks like Santa but is a big ass. He also likes to use my bathroom just to spite me because I put a “No Men Allowed” sign on the door. Forgive me for not wanting to clean pee off the seat every time I use the bathroom.

Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum: The guys who own the body shop next door. They like to race their cars up and down the parking lot and then give you the finger when they pull out in front of you and almost cause an accident.

My Boyfriend: Another truck driver we see every day. He looks at me like I’m an ice cream cone on a hot day and always asks when I am getting divorced so he can take me out. Yuck.

Banana Peel: The woman who owns the dance studio next door and always seems to be falling on her butt. Since she moved in last year we have seen her fall 7 times. Not a very graceful dance teacher!

Which brings me to the last one: Shit Stain.

Shit Stain is my least favorite person from work. He is one of our customers and probably comes in once or twice a week to pick up some parts. Let me paint you a picture.

He is about 40, balding, with a patchy beard that he is constantly scratching.
He wears small shirts that show off his sizeable beer belly.
His jeans never seem to cover his butt crack.
He ALWAYS smells like a fart.

Yesterday I was in the warehouse, filing some paperwork for the shipping guy. I heard my GM talking to someone in the office, but when I got back into the office, I didn’t see or hear anyone. I just sat at my desk and starting doing my work. After a few minutes, I noticed that it was smelling gross. I have a pumpkin scented air freshener that usually blocks all things offensive, but this smell was breaking through.

“Ugh,” I said out loud. “Why does it smell like fart in here?”

I heard someone come around the corner and looked behind me. Shit Stain was standing there with my GM. Without even thinking about what I was saying, I looked at Shit Stain and said, “Oh, I thought I smelled something.”

That’s right. I totally and completely crossed the line into an unprofessional territory and told a customer that he smelled like fart. After that, he left pretty damn quickly. I expected to get a slap on the wrist when Shit Stain left, but instead the GM just laughed.

“You know,” the GM said, “If he never comes back you might actually get a raise.”

As it turns out, the boss man hates Shit Stain. He just may be one of the grossest and laziest men around. When the company first moved into the complex we are in now, Shit Stain ran his business from a few doors down. Everyday when he would walk to the mailbox, he would take his dog with him, passing our unit. If the weather was nice, we would often leave the front door propped open to get some fresh air.

Shit Stain never walked his dog on a leash, and for some reason thought it was totally okay when his dog wandered in to other people’s units. At first we really didn’t care that Scooter was coming for a visit, but then he seemed to get too comfortable. Whenever Scooter walked into out unit, he would poop on the floor. It became his lunchtime ritual. Shit Stain would come into our office, apologize for the poop, get Scooter and leave. WITHOUT CLEANING UP AFTER HIS DOG.

It didn’t take us long to learn to close the door at lunchtime.

Now I am just waiting for the day when I accidentally call him Shit Stain to his face. I don’t actually know his real name and he has been Shit Stain for so long. It is bound to happen. And I can really use that raise.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Being a Slacker

I have not been on Blogger in a week. You know how it goes, busy with the holiday and stuff, writing a novel in 30 days. Now that Thanksgiving is over and I reached my goal of 50,000 words I will be back commenting and posting regularly.

Over the holiday weekend I realized that I am very thankful for my job. Yes, it’s nice to be able to pay my bills and be a productive member of society, but I also realized having a job keeps me in line. I know this may come as a shock to all of you (insert sarcasm here) but when I’m not working, I tend to get a little crazy. Like I said, shocking.

On Wednesday night Leland and I went to the local Turkey Testicle Festival and had too much to drink and spent too much money. Yes, I tried the turkey balls. They were juicy and squirted in my mouth, which I didn’t really appreciate. Thursday was Thanksgiving, and though I didn’t spend any money, I still drank too much. And though I can’t remember what I did on Friday, I am willing to bet I drank too much on that day as well.

Oh, wait! I do remember what I did on Friday!!!

I reached my 50,000 word goal for National Novel Writing Month and Leland took me out to dinner to celebrate.

On Saturday we got a Christmas tree and decorated the house, then guess what we did that night?

We went out drinking with a friend for her birthday and guess what I did?

I drank too much. So much that on Sunday I was hung over all day. And I also spent too much. Leland was not happy when he saw my bar tab!

It’s hard to get into so much trouble with a two day weekend. But apparently four day weekends are just long enough to make me appreciate my job and my sobriety.

Monday, November 16, 2009

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes?

I dream on a fairly regular basis. Most mornings I will wake up and be vaguely aware that I had some sort of dream. If my dreams are really scary, they will wake me in the middle of the night, possibly keep me up for hours, and then take days for me to get it out of my head.

Sometimes I will wake up in the middle of the night after having a really good dream. On these nights I usually contemplate writing the events of the dream down, but then talk myself out of it because I am sure I will remember it in the morning because it was just that good. Naturally, once morning rolls around, I don’t remember anything.

This weekend I had a dream that I really would like to forget, but can’t seem to get out of my head. It wasn’t a good dream by any means, but it wasn’t necessarily a bad dream either. It was maybe just a little disturbing. And I really wonder what the hell I was thinking to have produced such an interesting and disturbing dream.

In my dream I was Sarah Palin and I was getting it in the ass from Glenn Beck.

And I was enjoying it, asking him to be rough and begging him to slap my ass.

What I thought was most interesting about the dream was that myself, as Sarah Palin, loved Glenn Beck’s tiny, little penis. Obviously, I have no idea what his penis is actually like, but in my dream it was the size of my index finger and I/Sarah Palin, thought it was awesome.

Oh, and did I mention that I’m a liberal and loathe Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck? Why the hell would I dream about two people I don’t like having butt sex? Oh well. I know I’ll never know, I just have to keep working on getting that scary image out of my head.

NaNoWriMo word count: 23029
Health update: Though I haven’t weighed myself, I have been working out 4-5 times a week and I feel so much better. Leland tells me that I look like I have lost weight, and although I want to believe him, I won’t until I actually see the numbers on the scale. I plan to weight myself Wednesday morning, so hopefully it will be good news.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Noveling Madness

NaNoWriMo has been in progress for 4 days and I am amazed at how many bloggers are participating and still posting blogs. All of my spare time is spent writing my novel. I don’t know how they do it. Right now I am so focused on reaching my goal that I really can’t think of anything else.

I even dream about it. I have had dreams about my novel since Saturday night. It is not good. I think I am worrying too much. I can’t think about NaNo 24 hours a day though that is what I am doing. It’s getting exhausting and it has only been 4 days.

I’m not giving up though. That would be crazy. Plus, Leland says he is planning a celebration for me when I reach 50,000 words and I really don’t want to miss out on that!

NaNoWriMo word count: 4094

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Want World Peace, Ladies? It's In Our Hands

Last night I was out to dinner with Leland and our friend Joe to celebrate Joe’s birthday. We were at our favorite Mexican place, drinking margaritas and Dos Equis Ambar, and Leland and Joe were having conversations that are very typical of them.

They talked about:
* Skullfucking
* How far is too far to walk to a bar (they decided when they are sober walking is a bad idea, but when they are drunk it’s the best idea in the world)
* Crazy ex-girlfriends
* Personality disorders (they were trying to decide which personality our friend’s girlfriend brought to the bar on Saturday night)
* Ninjas
* Girl Scouts (I was ok with the conversation until Joe inquired about what kinds of badges Girl Scouts earned. Laundry badges? He asked. This isn’t the first time I have wanted to bash his head into a table and he knows it)

Since I have known Leland and Joe for the same amount of time I am used to their foolish banter. Most of the time I don’t even hear them when they are talking. But something they said last night caught my attention. They have a solution to bring world peace.

That’s right people. My husband, honest-to-a-fault Leland, has the answer.

His answer? Girl-on-girl action and female nudity.

He believes that if women walked around topless and/or naked, men would stop fighting with each other. In Leland’s mind, if women were making out on street corners, men would be way too distracted to fight wars. His answer to bring peace in the Middle East? Only allow Lipstick Lesbians to join the military. Men will be too elated by all the girl love to remember what they are fighting for.

Want to end terrorism? Send in some naked chicks. Afghan men will be too busy trying to cover them up to plot terror attacks.

School shootings? Topless hot female teachers.

According to Leland, there is nothing that cannot be solved by naked women.

Proof that women have more power than we even realize.

Monday, October 26, 2009

A Halloween Haunt

In the spirit of Halloween and all things spooky, I thought I would tell you all a ghost story.

Leland and I live in a house that was built in the 30’s. It was once a private residence, a nursing home, and then a private residence again that was also a drug house. We figured it would have some sort of interesting history, but since we haven’t done any research, all we know about the house we heard from the neighbors. Other than it being a drug house, none of the history was really bad. Just normal old house stuff.

When we first moved in, I had a couple encounters with what could have possibly been a ghost. Nothing terribly scary, just some things that couldn’t be explained. Though I was weirded out, I really didn’t think much about it. I just went on living and unpacking and trying to get things organized.

From day one, there have constantly been unexplained noises. We thought it was just the house getting used to us. We have often heard stomping noises coming from upstairs even when there was no one up there. These little things really didn’t scare us. If it was a ghost, at least it was just hanging out and not causing problems. We were hopeful that we wouldn’t turn into the next Amityville horror.

Though all of these little things were happening, I wasn’t that convinced that it was some sort of ghost. I believed they were just noises. No big deal.

Until one night I got up to go to the bathroom at 4am. We do not have a bathroom on the second floor of the house, so I had to go to the main floor to pee. Again, no big deal. I do this all the time. This time was a little different though. When I made it down stairs, I heard music coming from somewhere. I looked outside to see if anyone had lights on or was blasting music in their car.


I wandered into the kitchen to check the back door. When I got into the kitchen I noticed that the music was getting louder and louder. Like I was getting closer and closer to where the music was coming from. When I made it to the top of my basement stairs, there was no getting around that the music was coming from my house. My basement.

I stood at the top of the stairs for about a minute deciding what to do. I really didn’t want to wake up Leland. I am a tough, hardcore woman and I could handle a little noise. But at the same time, I really didn’t want to be one of those stupid girls in horror flicks who knows she shouldn’t be investigating weird noises by herself but does so anyway.

And ends up getting gutted with a machete.

What’s a girl to do?

I went downstairs.

When I got there, I relaxed. It was just a CD player playing one of Leland’s heavy metal CD’s. I was admittedly a little embarrassed for being so freaked out. It was just a CD player. I laughed at myself and went to turn off the music.

I pressed the stop button and it wouldn’t stop.

I pressed the power button and it wouldn’t turn off.

I went to unplug the damn CD player to find that it wasn’t plugged in.

When I went to take out the batteries I found that there weren’t any.

The music just kept playing and I could not turn the CD player off.

And somehow the CD player was running without any power feeding it.

As fast as I could, I opened the CD player, snatched the CD out of it, ran back upstairs, and got back into bed next to Leland. It was only then that I realized I had never peed and really had to go, but there was no way I was going back downstairs alone.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Raw and Honest

Two weeks ago Siren came to visit and took me to several doctors appointments. I had multiple blood tests done, and listened as each doctor told me that everything came back normal. Medically speaking, there is nothing wrong with me.

Then I visited with a natural health specialist who pretty much slapped me in the face. He told me that I have no energy, am not sleeping well, have dry skin, am experiencing hair loss, along with all of my other symptoms all because I am overweight. Actually, I am considered obese.

That is a hard pill to swallow.

I did this to myself.

I have been gaining weight for the past 4 years, and for some reason, I never did anything about it. I would try to lose weight by eating right and going to the gym, but after a few weeks without any results I would just give up. That’s right I gave up. I have never been a quitter. When did I become one? I was once tenacious. I would fight for what I wanted. Work hard. Look any challenge dead in the face and overcome. When did I lose that person? Why?

In difficult situations, most people tell you what you want to hear. Siren is not one of those people. After meeting with the natural health specialist, she beat the shit out of me with her words, broke me down, and made me see what I was doing to myself, my husband and our relationship. She is probably the only person who could have gotten away with talking to me the way she did. If it was anyone else I would have told them to mind their own business, or told them they didn’t know what they were talking about. But with her I had no choice but to listen. I had to listen. For the sake of myself, my husband, and our relationship.

When Leland and I first started dating, we were a strong force. People didn’t understand how we fit together but we didn’t care. We loved each other, were having so much fun together and were working hard to make our lives better. We were moving in the same direction. We were ignoring boundaries and doing whatever we needed to do to maintain our happy lifestyle. We wanted better for ourselves and were going to get it no matter what. Then somewhere along the way I stopped moving.

I literally stopped moving.

After work I would come home and sit on the couch. I didn’t want to do anything on the weekends. I didn’t want to go out. We would have people over on most Friday or Saturday nights, but I wouldn’t go anywhere. If Leland wanted to see live music, I would send him with a friend. While Leland worked his ass of during the week at work, and then at band practice, I would do nothing. I wouldn’t even cook. Or clean. I somehow went from being a mover and a shaker to being a mope-a-lope.

The sad thing is I didn’t even see it.

Yes, I noticed the weight gain. But I ignored it. I made excuses for it. I refused to see that I was becoming someone I didn’t want to be. While I stopped moving, Leland kept forging ahead. We aren’t the strong force we used to be anymore. We aren’t working together to make our lives better. Leland is working and I am sitting here, doing nothing.

While I have been complaining about not feeling well, being tired all the time, having headaches, joint pain, gaining weight, I have done nothing but complain about it. Not once in the past 4 years have I taken control over what has happened to me and fixed it.

I cannot, and will not, sit around anymore.

I want Leland and I to be the unstoppable couple we once were. I want Leland to look at me and see the spitfire he met 7 years ago. I want to lose the 70 pounds I gained and feel better about myself. I want to be able to go up a flight of stairs without becoming winded. I want to work hard to make my life better. I want to move in a forward direction again. I want to know that I am doing everything possible to find myself again.

That being said, I have started to take action. I have gotten myself off the couch. I make myself work out. I do my hair. And on really good days I may even put on makeup. All of these things make me feel better about myself and make me feel like I am doing something. But it’s not enough. For me to be the person I once was, I need to do something for myself, other than losing weight and getting healthy. I need a hobby, something that is just mine to work towards.

So National Novel Writing Month is coming at the perfect time for me. I have wanted to be a writer for quite awhile, but in the midst of me losing myself, I also lost the urge to write. Though I am out of practice, I am participating in NaNoWriMo this year. In 11 days I will start writing my first novel. And per the NaNoWriMo challenge, I will have written 50,000 words by November 30th. I am so excited. Last night I decided what I am going to be writing and I am anxious to get started. It has been a long time since I have been excited about something. It has been a long time since I have smiled to myself just from thinking about something I am doing or have done.

So this is my new plan. I am taking my life back. I am taking control of my health. I am taking control of my happiness.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Disappearing Act

I haven’t posted anything new, or even logged on to Blogger, in a week. I’m not usually this quiet. Siren arrived on Thursday, so she kept me pretty busy all weekend, and then I woke up sick on Sunday morning. I have been sick all week. And since I have been sick, I have not been at work. And since I haven’t been at work I cannot blog because my computer still isn’t fixed.

I’m trying not to get frustrated about the broken computer because I know Leland is super busy. He has a ton on his plate, so I’m trying not to nag him to get the computer fixed. When I’m healthy and at work, it’s not such a big deal that the home computer is broken. I know zero about computers so fixing it myself is out of the question.


Siren and I went to doctor’s appointments on Friday, which I will tell you all about soon. We spent Saturday helping Leland, my dad, brother-in-law and sister build my deck. It was freezing cold but we were all out working anyway. My sister and brother-in-law rocked the deck boards and now we have a deck on the back of the house we can use. Leland and my dad built the railings and Siren and I did the grunt work. The deck is so close to being done. When it is, I’ll post pictures.

On Sunday we went apple picking with my family. It was super cold in the morning. I was feeling sick, but wouldn’t miss apple picking for anything. I layered my clothes and braved the weather. We all did. Our usual apple picking trips last about 4 hours, but this time we rushed our way through it. It was way too cold to spend 4 hours outside.

Siren left on Monday morning and I went to sleep for the next 3 days. I’m feeling a little better this morning. Though I would love to be at home sleeping the rest of the sickness off, I simply cannot afford to miss anymore work. So here I am. Back at work, back in the blogging world, back to reality.

I hope you all are doing well!

Thursday, October 8, 2009


Because I know you all are super concerned about my vagina issues, I wanted to let you all know that Leland and I had sex last night and I DID NOT RIP!!!!

WHOO HOO!!!!!!

This is the first time since March that I have had pain free sex.

After reading all of your comments, and since so many of you said I should get a second opinion, I did. I just called my regular doctor and she told me to only use the ointment once daily in the morning, as opposed to using it several times a day. She said using it several times a day could make my skin more elastic instead of helping it heal correctly.

So that's what I did. I used it every day after my morning shower and last night was the first time we tried having sex in a week. IT WAS WONDERFUL though I really wasn't concentrating on the sex. I was paying more attention to how my vagina felt, and when it was over and Leland confirmed that I had not torn, I actually did a victory dance. A naked victory dance.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

You're Putting the Harley Where?

Many people are writing about how much they love fall. I enjoy fall, I don’t love it. I will always be a summer girl. And although I think fall is the prettiest time of year, and I really love all things fall, such as pumpkin spice lattes, apple picking, haunted houses, sitting on the couch in front of the fire and putting the lawn mower away for the season, it doesn’t even come in at my second favorite season.

My second favorite season is spring. After a long, cold Chicago winter, there are few things that are better than watching tulips bloom, feeling the warmth of a 60 degree spring day, taking the lawn mower out for the season, shedding the layers of winter clothing, even looking at a yard full of dandelions. By the time February rolls around, winter is getting on my last nerve, as I am sure I am getting on everyone else’s last nerve because winter turns me into a whiny bitch. A mope-a-lope if you will. That’s what Leland calls me in the winter. So spring is definitely my second favorite season. And next spring will have new meaning for me because it’ll be the time I can take my motorcycle out of the dining room and take it for my first springtime ride.

That’s right, I said take it out of the dining room.

Now that it’s fall, it is time to put the motorcycle away for the season. I am hoping to get one more ride in before the weather gets really bad, but the way my schedule is looking, I’m not sure that is going to happen. Leland and I have been building a deck for the past 2 weekends and will continue working on it this weekend. Riding during the week is a possibility, but with fall in Chicago also comes a lot of rain. I have no interest in riding in the rain. I’m pretty hardcore, but not hardcore enough to get soaked for the sake of a ride. The rest of my weekends in October are filled, leaving me with the dreaded feeling that my motorcycle season has ended. For this reason alone, I hate fall. I don’t want my motorcycle season to end.

I have been having so much fun with the Harley. Though I still don’t have my license, I have my permit and ride it fairly often. With a permit I am supposed to only ride with a license motorcyclist along side me or following me in a car. But let’s not play games. We all know I break the law and ride alone. I wanted to get my license before the end of the season, but it just didn’t work out. Taking the test on my bike would be really tricky because it is so big, and my search for finding a smaller bike has me coming up empty. My plan is to take another rider training program in the spring and get my license that way. By that time I will be comfortable enough riding that I hopefully won’t fall over during the test.

But back to the topic at hand.

Now that the Harley has to be put away for the season, I am working on getting my dining room cleaned out so it can hang out in there for the winter months. Motorcycles belong in dining rooms.

When I first met Leland, I was surprised to find a motorcycle in the dining room at his parent’s house. After thinking about it, it makes sense. Cold weather is bad for cars and motorcycles, but cars handle it a lot better because we run them daily. Having a motorcycle out in the cold for months may cause problems for it in the spring. To sidestep that, Leland’s dad stored his bike in the house. This is the ONLY thing I will probably ever copy from his parents. You all know how I feel about them, so I can’t imagine myself wanting to be any more like them. I draw the line at storing a motorcycle in the dining room.

I don’t know about you, but I rarely use my dining room. Leland and I may eat dinner in the dining room once a week, but all the other days it goes unused. I sort of feel bad for it. Like it’s lacking purpose. Maybe my dining room would feel better about itself if I gave it something to look after.

Plus it would be a great conversation piece.

And when Christmas comes around I can put lights on it and make it festive.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Sexual Frustration


That being said, my vagina is driving me mad. About 8 months ago Leland and I were having sex. In the living room. On the floor. It was fun.

Until it was all over and he pulled it out.


My vagina tore. Right at the bottom, between my vag and my butthole. This has never happened before. Leland and I have been having sex for 6 years and we never had a problem.

No big deal, I thought. I’ll call my doctor in the morning and she’ll tell me what to do. I’ll be all healed up in no time.

I called my doctor the next day and went in for an appointment. I was told women rip occasionally, usually after they haven’t had sex for a while or have sex for the first time with a new partner. When I explained that I have been having regular sex with the same partner for 6 years she said Well, I don’t know why this happened then. Awesome. When she asked if we were trying a new position, I told her no, we were having doggie-style sex on the living room floor. We have done this a countless amount of times and have never had a problem.

I was told apply Aquaphor, a skin ointment, several times a day and abstain from sex for 4 weeks. Double awesome. I did as the doctor ordered. Leland checked my situation every day and after about 2 weeks it was fully healed. However, since the doctor said to wait 4 weeks, we did.

Although it was frustrating to wait so long, we waited. We actually found it kind of humorous. We joked around that he was giving it to me too hard or that he needed pills to make his large penis smaller. He wore that fact the he ripped me around like a badge of honor. And for those 4 weeks we had fun finding other ways to pleasure each other. Four weeks off of sex wasn’t too bad because we were still having a physical relationship.

At the 4 week mark we had sex. Slow, careful, boring missionary sex. We were trying to be super careful so as not to tear my vag again. We were having fun, and it was feeling about as good as slow, careful, boring missionary sex can feel. AS SOON as Leland started to move a little faster, I ripped again. I started applying the Aquaphor right away and decided that since waiting 4 weeks before having sex again didn’t keep me from ripping, I would wait 6.

That’s right. We waited 6 weeks before having sex. During these 6 weeks we fought more than we ever have before. We were irritable, bitchy, and watched movies all the time. I was really tired of giving blowjobs.

Six weeks later, we tried again. We had the same result. I don’t think I have ever been more frustrated in my life.

I went back to the doctor. She said the scar tissue was probably just sensitive and wasn’t healing strong enough so she wrote me a prescription for some sort of cream that had estrogen in it. Apparently the estrogen was supposed to make me heal faster and stronger. The last thing I really needed was more estrogen, but I thought I would give it a try.

Time after time I continued to rip and time after time we continued to abstain from sex. Every time we got more and more frustrated. Every time we took more and more precautions. Nothing worked. It was no longer fun to look for other ways to keep things exciting. Oral on the kitchen counter was no longer fun because we had already done it so many times. We really just want to have good old-fashioned doggie-style sex again.

Since I am so sick of having almost no sex life, I told Leland that I was done worrying about it. I told him I would deal with the tear. It didn’t really hurt that much and I really needed to get laid on a more regular basis. He wouldn’t do it. Because he loves me he wants me to be able to enjoy sex and he doesn’t want to worry about hurting me while we are going at it. Makes sense.

So I went back to the doctor. This time we talked about vaginal dryness, condoms and lube. She suspected that the condoms were drying me out and causing me to tear with the slightest bit of friction. She said I needed to get wetter.

She prescribed the Nuva Ring as a form of birth control because it causes vaginal wetness and told me to use lube and stop using condoms. Okay, I thought, even though I HATE hormonal birth control, I am willing to give it a try in order to save my sex life. I was on the Nuva Ring for 2 ½ weeks. It did cause vaginal wetness. So much wetness, in fact, that I was soaking my panties on a daily basis. This was not fun. Still, I was willing to stick it out in order to save my sex life. After being on the Ring for 2 weeks, my doctor said it was safe to have sex. We did. I was super wet and we used lube. I still tore.

I took out the Ring. There is no sense in hormonally altering my body if it wasn’t doing anything for the tear.

I am waiting for a call from my doctor. I really need to get this fixed somehow. I’m not sure what else I am supposed to do. We have tried different positions. Doggie style hurts the worst and causes the biggest tear, which sucks because that was always my favorite. Girl on top hurts a little less but also causes a sizeable tear. Slow, careful, boring missionary hurts the least and causes the smallest tear. But we are both getting bored of slow, careful, boring missionary.

I still tear EVERY SINGLE time we have sex. Which isn’t very often anymore.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009


Remember when I told you that my computer was fixed? Well, apparently I lied. We thought it was fixed, were able to use it for a little while, and then everything went to shit again. We are in the process of actually getting it fixed this time. In the meantime, I will once again be sneaking my blogging time at work. I do this fairly frequently anyway, I’ll just have to do it a little more in order to stay tuned with all of you. And if I’m not commenting, it just means that the boss is in the office and I’ll catch up with you as soon as I can.

Moving on….

Leland and I are working on a puzzle. Yes, that’s right. I’ve just declared myself to be a really big dork. My coolness factor is going to drop by another 10 points when I drop this bombshell on all of you: we are having so much fun doing it. The puzzle that is.

We decided to get a puzzle a week ago. We went to Walmart, spent $9 on a 750 piece puzzle and started putting it together as soon as we got home. It has probably been about a decade and a half since I have done a puzzle. We are not very good at it. Because of our lack of puzzle skills, whenever we find a piece that fits together we get all excited and high-five. Sometimes we even do a little victory dance. Like I said, we are dorks.

Last night my parents and sister came over for dinner. My sister Melissa is a puzzle master. She literally looked at the puzzle for a second and was already putting pieces together. Since Leland and I are very territorial about our puzzle, she promptly got told by me to leave the puzzle alone. This was nearly impossible for her. Especially because we were all sitting around the table that the puzzle was on and she was sitting right in front of it. So I told her to switch seats with my mom so she could be a little farther away from the temptress that was the puzzle.

That lasted for about a minute until my dad got up. He was sitting very close to the puzzle and she just had to steal his seat. I got very close to tying her arms behind her back. I’m sure that if we left her alone she could have finished the puzzle in an hour. Since we are not as good, it’ll probably take us another week to finish. But that’s okay. We are having fun with it and enjoying doing something different together.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

The Road to Wellness

Siren is coming to visit me in a few weeks. I am excited and really nervous at the same time.

Excited to see my best friend.

Nervous because of what we will be doing while she is here.

Siren is coming to visit for the sole purpose of taking me to doctor’s appointments.

I have not felt healthy in a really long time. I always just justified all of my symptoms. I wasn’t sleeping at night because Leland snores. I was tired all the time because I wasn’t sleeping. My skin was so dry because it was wintertime and I wasn’t drinking enough water. I was bruising all the time because I wasn’t getting enough iron. I was having a really hard time losing weight because I just wasn’t trying hard enough. My stomach was always unsettled because I had a poor diet. However, even when I slept in the other bedroom and couldn’t hear the snoring, I still wasn’t able to sleep. I used lotion on my dry skin and drank a gallon of water a day and my skin was still dry and scale-like. I took iron supplements and my bruising wouldn’t go away. I altered my diet and started going to the gym and still have not seen results. Even with the altered diet I still couldn’t be far from a bathroom.

In January I fell on the ice and hit my head. After a CT scan, the doctor told me I had lumps on the left side of my thyroid. I saw a few doctors, had several rounds of blood tests, even had a Fine Needle Aspirate done on the lumps. Everything came back normal. I really hoped I had some sort of thyroid disease because that would have explained all of my symptoms. Well, all of the symptoms other than the stomach issues.

Instead of investigating further, I just gave up. I still have trouble sleeping. I’m still tired. My skin is still dry, I bruise like a peach. I still can’t lose weight and I still have stomach problems. Leland and Siren have been on my case for months to see more doctors and I haven’t done it. Again, I have plenty of reasons not to go.

We can’t afford the bills (though Leland says it doesn’t matter when it comes to my health, and insurance will be paying for most of it).

I can’t take the time off of work (which we all know is a lie. If my boss lets me drink at lunch he’ll let me take time off to see doctors).

The doctor already said nothing was wrong with me so it would be a waste of time and money (though really, just because one doctor didn’t find something doesn’t mean another would be unsuccessful).

Apparently Leland and Siren have been conspiring against me for some time. They decided to tag team the nagging and thought that I might actually listen if they both were telling me how concerned they are. Of course I was listening, but I have been too scared to do anything. Ignorance is bliss, right?

Last week Siren called and told me she was coming to take me to doctors. She even made all the appointments for me. In the 4 days she’ll be here, she is taking me to see an endocrinologist, a metabolic specialist, a hematologist and we will be going to a woman’s wellness center. It will be a whirlwind of doctors, but hopefully I will finally start to get some answers. I know there will most likely be follow up appointments that Siren will not be able to attend with me, but having her come up and drag me around to help me get better is a great way to start.

I know that if she wasn’t coming, it would be a really, really long time before I do it by myself. And since Leland lives with me, I could put him off forever, and would try like hell to actually do that.

I’m still scared and worried. I know I will be scared and worried until this is all over.

How lucky am I that I have a friend who is willing to fly 1000 miles to try and help me get healthy?

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Mid-Day Beer Fest

I just went out to lunch with my work people to celebrate a birthday. We usually kick back and have a good time with a beer but today we just couldn’t seem to stop at just one. You see, it was $5 pitcher day. And since the restaurant was all out of Miller Light, we were given any other draft beer at the $5 price. It only made good sense to get 2 pitchers of Blue Moon and 2 pitchers of Leinie’s Oktoberfest. We split 4 pitchers between 5 people. And since I had so much to drink, I’m leaving it up to you to calculate how many beers I had at lunch today. I feel like I’m slurring my words as I type this. Now I have to make it through 2 more hours of work and a trip to the gym. I know I’ll make it through but it all seems so hard right now. I just want to curl up in the corner and take a nap.

I will endure. I need to remember to drink a lot of water so I don’t get a late afternoon hangover. I can handle being a little tipsy at work but being hung over at work is really not a good time.

Wanna know the best part of the story? The boss bought all the beer.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Working For A Living

I’m on the lookout for a new part time job. The animal emergency clinic that I was employed at part time let go all of all of their relief staff. I was one that got cut. This bothers me for several reasons including I’ll be losing the awesome discount on animal care, I will no longer be able to work with animals, and I’ll be losing out on some extra money.

I liked my schedule at the emergency clinic because I was able to choose it myself. If I didn’t want to work weekends I didn’t have to. If I was really short on money I was able to work 5 days a week. It was perfectly flexible. Since that option has now been taken away from me, I’m not really sure what I should do. I don’t necessarily need a second job, but it really helps to support my travel habit. Leland and I really want to take some big trips next year, and in order to do that I’ll need a second job.

So what should I do? I have considered working in retail, but then I would probably have to work at a store that wouldn’t tempt me to spend all of my money at the store itself. I had originally considered applying at Borders or Barnes and Noble, but you all know about my book problem so working there would probably be counter-productive. Yes, I would have a ton of awesome books, but no extra money would make it into my bank account. Shoe stores would also be out, as well as clothing stores. I would have to find a place that sold things I wouldn’t buy, like Babies R Us or a Christian book store.

I have also considered being a waitress or bartender. I have never done either of those things, but I’m sure I could figure it out. There are a couple of restaurants in the town where I live that I am pretty sure I could get hired at. I know the owners of two of them and I have been told they would give me jobs if I ever wanted one.

The only other thing I am thinking about doing is being a pizza delivery girl. For some reason I have always wanted to do this. The only problem with this is I would be using our one car so Leland would be left without wheels whenever I was working. I think it would be fun and I would pretty much be on my own which would be nice. And I love to drive.

In January I will start my job search. I thought about looking for one right now but I am pretty busy in the next few months and don’t want to piss off an employer by asking for so much time off. I am sure I will apply everywhere I can think of and hopefully I will be able to find something that makes me happy. That is my biggest requirement. I already have one job that I’m not super thrilled with; I refuse to have two jobs I dread going to. But maybe just knowing that I am working the second job so I can afford to travel will make me happy. We’ll just have to see.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Welcome Back To Me!

I'm finally back online!!!


It only took 6 days and nearly a hundred dollars but I'm back.

Consider yourself warned.

While I was at work on Friday, Leland called and said our computer was fucked.

"What do you mean by fucked?" I asked.

"Well, I was looking something up online and after I clicked on a link and ton of Spyware started attacking the computer and now I can't do anything," Leland said.

"Were you looking up porn?"

"No, honey. I was looking up guitar tablature."

"Are you sure?" I asked.

"Yes, honey. I swear," Leland said.

"Okay. I just didn't know you could get a virus from guitar tablature."

"Neither did I. It's funny because the first time I tried to download guitar tablature we get a virus but I've downloaded porn several times and nothing ever happens to the computer."

As I have said many times before, Leland is lucky I love him.

I will be stopping by to visit all of you very soon!

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

We Weren't Even Looking Up Porn!

My internet is down. Now that I am back to work I have some access to all of you, but it's gonna be pretty limited. I will be back as soon as my computer is fixed. Until then, have a great day/week!

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

And The Winner Is...and Other Mumbo-Jumbo

It has been a crazy week. I've been doing my best to keep up on all of your blogs, but finding time to write something of substance has proven difficult. And you're not getting it now either.

Remember the giveaway I offered for my 100th post party? Well, I have finally randomly picked a winner. The $25 Fandango gift card goes to The Single Girl!

Thank you all so much for participating!

As for why I have been so busy and my brain is having trouble producing intelligent thought: I am getting older. I am still recovering from the Jimmy Buffett concert on Saturday.

On Saturday morning, Leland and I woke up in time to meet the drunk bus with a bunch of strangers. The drunk bus was taking us to the Jimmy Buffett concert. And since it was Leland and I, along with another member of our wolf pack Rachel, naturally we brought the beer bong. We started doing beer bongs at 10am.

The concert was a typical Jimmy Buffett concert. People got drunk. People got naked. I'm happy to say I succeeded in keeping my clothes on this year. That hasn't been the case in years past.

So, like I was saying, we started drinking at 10am. After a while, things like this started happening:

I think my ass was wet and I was trying to get the heat from the grill to dry it off. I think.

Then Leland decided to give a guy a lap dance.

I think they both enjoyed it, but they were also both very drunk.

I don't really know what is going on in this picture.

They were all strangers when we met, but a countless number of beers and margaritas later, we left as friends. And they were all kind enough to post the incriminating photos on facebook.

I know the concert was on Saturday and I should totally be back to myself by now, but it has been a really long time since I spent....hold on while I count...15 hours drinking. I was pretty much wrecked on Sunday and then this whole week has been so tiring and stressful at work. I just can't seem to get enough sleep. Thank goddess for the 3-day weekend coming up. I just don't bounce back the way I used to. It's a sad story.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

My 100th Post Party!

This is my 100th post! I know, I can't believe it either! In honor of my 100th post, I am throwing a little party. For your reading pleasure, and then later so you all can mock me and make fun of me, I have listed 100 things about myself.

Please stick around after the list because I have an award to pass on, as well as something fun to giveaway! My first giveaway ever! I hope you enjoy the party!

100 things that you probably had no interest in knowing but I am telling you anyway:

1. I am the self-proclaimed best parallel parker in the world.
2. Uptown Girl by Billy Joel will always be on my top 5 list of favorite songs.
3. I once danced with Leland to I Believe in Life After Love by Cher at a gay bar in New Orleans. Until a guy pushed me out of the way and started dancing with Leland.
4. I am the middle child.
5. I chased Leland for 6 months before he agreed to date me.
6. I broke my tail bone 3 times.
7. I love public speaking. Put me in front of a million people who want to (or have to) listen to what I have to say and I would be giddy with delight.
8. I am a Polish girl.
9. I have 4 tattoos.
10. I love Harry Connick, Jr….
11. …and Memphis Belle.
12. I don’t believe in sending greeting cards. I think they are the biggest waste of 3 dollars ever.
13. Though I will send out Valentine’s Day cards to everyone I know. Everyone likes getting a card on Valentine’s Day. If you want me to send you one, email me your address and I’ll add it to my list!
14. I love brownies.
15. I suck at doing yard work.
16. I was a Girl Scout for an embarrassingly long amount of time,
17. but I loved every minute of it.
18. I love reading about fisherman, whether it be Alaskan crab, Maine lobster, sea or small lake, I think it is so interesting.
19. I love to sing out loud with the windows down and get strange looks from people in other cars.
20. I have a BA in English from Roosevelt University in Chicago.
21. I was the first woman in my family to graduate from college.
22. I once went to San Francisco simply because I wanted to have dinner at my favorite restaurant. I live in Illinois.
23. I’m really good at the game Battleship.
24. I will not play the game Cranium. Every time I play it, it ends in a fight. So I stopped playing.
25. I love the TV show Friends. I am married to Monica. Though I would compare Leland to Monica, he never believed how similar they were until I got him to sit down and watch all 10 seasons with me. Now he sees what I am talking about.
26. I bruise like a peach. A little thing like a whack from the dog’s tail will leave a bruise that will last 10 days.
27. I’m solar-powered. I do not function well on cloudy days.
28. I love wine. All kinds of wine.
29. I have worked with animals for 12 years.
30. When I’m at my day job, I hardly do any work at all. I am quite the slacker who spends most of my time blogging.
31. I play piano.
32. I love the water so much that I think I was a water mammal in a past life…if I believe in past lives. I still haven’t decided.
33. When I see water, I have to drink it or touch it. If I hear water, I have to see it, drink it or touch it. Just typing this is making me reach for my water cup.
34. One day I’ll have a pond in my backyard so I can swim on every single beautiful day.
35. I am very opinionated. So opinionated that sometimes people don’t want to talk to me.
36. I have expensive taste but don’t have the money to support it.
37. Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand is my favorite book.
38. It is because of this book that I am no longer a “yes” girl.
39. Now I say “no” so much that plenty of people think I do it on purpose just so I can be disagreeable.
40. I hate having plans on Sundays. Leland and I like to have Sundays free to do whatever we want and not have to worry about other commitments.
41. My favorite holiday is apple picking in the fall with my family. Though I am only 28, it has been a family tradition for 30 years.
42. I make the world’s best chili. Just ask Leland.
43. I love to bake and then give away the yummy treats.
44. I was a “good” girl for most of my life. I didn’t do the typical teenage rebellion until after high school.
45. I participated in the Breast Cancer 3-Day. It was awesome and I would do it again if I knew I would be able to raise the required $2200 for a second time.
46. I love the Archie comic books.
47. And was upset to find out that Archie is proposing to Veronica.
48. I love getting the wave from other motorcyclists when I am on my bike.
49. The first concert I went to was New Kids on the Block when I was in fourth grade (I think).
50. I also went and saw them with my sisters last October. It was fun but super cheesy.
51. I have a weird obsession with veins. Maybe it’s because of all of the blood draws that I do from working with animals. Whenever I see someone with veins that pop out, I have to fight the urge to poke it. Leland has awesome jugular veins, and since he is really the only person whose veins I can poke, I poke it all the time. I like the way they bounce.
52. I have a very hard time keeping plants alive. Indoor or outdoor, if they need a lot, or even a little attention, it will most likely die.
53. One of the reasons Leland’s parents no longer talk to us is because I killed some of their plants. I did not do it on purpose.
54. I always wish on stars.
55. I pretty much always cry at movies, unless it’s super funny. However, even a silly RomCom will make me shed a tear or two. I am a sap.
56. Leland and I just watched I Love You, Man and I actually teared up at the end when Paul Rudd and Jason Segel were professing their love for each other. I am a sucker for a good bromance.
57. My favorite RomCom is Love Actually. It always puts me in a good mood.
58. I steal postage stamps from my work. I have been doing it for 8 years and have no plans on stopping.
59. Taking a shower is a dangerous thing for me to do. I slip in the tub at least once a week.
60. I used to have really bad road rage. I have gotten over it, but now I have serious parking lot rage.
61. I have an unhealthy obsession with brownies.
62. I am addicted to books. I cannot go into a book store without spending at least $50.
63. I love the way books smell. Whenever I pick up a book I immediately flip it open and stick my nose in it. If there was a cologne that smelled like books I would make Leland wear it.
64. I used to have an aquatic turtle that I called The Flo. She was the most expensive pet I have ever owned.
65. Tulips are my favorite flower,
66. though sunflowers come in at a close second.
67. I was a fighter when I was younger. I threw more punches in high school than most people do in their lives.
68. Over half of those punches were thrown while I was wearing my cheerleading uniform.
69. I have only punched boys who picked on me or made inappropriate comments toward me.
70. I once poisoned myself with Rhubarb. At six years old, I had no idea the leaf was poisonous. To this day I cannot eat rhubarb.
71. I am a fruit snob. I only eat apples I pick from the tree and only eat oranges if they are shipped to me from a grove in Florida.
72. I like apples but hate apple pie.
73. I don’t flush the toilet after every time I pee. I flush it about every third time. Doing this shaves $120 off of my water bill every year. Good for my pocketbook and the environment.
74. I have been to several Jimmy Buffett concerts.
75. One year my breasts were featured on
76. It was the year I went to the concert with my parents. No, they weren’t there to see me lift my shirt.
77. It bothers me when people ask me questions they already know the answer to. For instance, when I’m working at the animal clinic and my manager asks me if I’ve checked the blood pressure on Rocky yet. The answer is clearly no because I have not initialed the treatment sheet yet and you have been watching me take x-rays since you asked me to do it. If you want to remind me to do it, then simply say “don’t forget to get the BP on Rocky.” Easy enough.
78. It also bothers me when people ask me to teach them how to ride the Harley. I have only been riding for 2 months and am not qualified to teach anyone. Besides, I really don’t want you to wreck my bike. If you had your own bike to learn on, that would be a different story.
79. When a telemarketer calls at work, I like to put them on hold and see how long they will wait. The longest a telemarketer had waited was about 17 minutes.
80. Yellow was once my favorite color simply because it seemed that it was no one else’s favorite color and I felt bad for it. That’s right, I took pity on the color yellow. It grew on me and now I actually really like it though my favorite color is now green. Any shade of green.
81. I also took pity on orange Starbursts. Orange and yellow were always tossed aside for the red and pink and since I was already being nice to yellow, I decided orange would be my favorite Starburst. Again, it grew on me and it actually is my favorite now.
82. Leland and I once drove to Philly to get a cheesesteak sandwich. After hours of driving and getting sick, we headed home without ever having a cheesesteak sandwich.
83. My dog Bacchus, aka The Bachman, is a Chesapeake Bay Retriever. He is the best free thing I ever got. A breeder I work with at the clinic gave him to me because he is a genetic reject. He has an under bite and his back feet angle out a little.
84. He was named after the Roman god of wine and merriment.
85. He is the happiest dog in the world and I honestly think he can bring world peace.
86. After Katrina, I volunteered at the Austin Convention Center in Austin, TX. It was one of the centers around the area the evacuees were sent to. It was one of the most emotional events of my life.
87. While I was there I met a woman in her early 20’s whose husband abandoned her and their 3 kids right after the storm hit. I still wonder what happened to her.
88. I really like globes and maps. Don’t ask me why, I just think they are very cool.
89. Sick dogs have covered me in poop more times than I would like to admit. It’s just part of the job.
90. I was a typical girl of the ‘80s. I wore long dangly earrings, lots of blue eye shadow, tight rolled jeans, brightly colored socks and I wore my bangs standing straight up. The pictures are hilarious.
91. I love getting the mail. Though it usually contains bills, which I don’t love. But occasionally I’ll get some fun coupons or a catalog to flip through. And sometimes I’ll even get handwritten letters or cards. Remember those?
92. If I could do anything in the world and money wasn’t an issue, I would go to Le Cordon Bleu culinary school in Paris.
93. I am awesome at blog stalking people.
94. I don’t like having dust on my hands. I’m okay with any other type of shmutz, but dust dries out my hands and makes them itchy. I would much rather have them covered in oil and grease.
95. I have never listened to a book on disc. I love stories and read all the time, but I like to be holding the book in front of me. While I’m driving I would much rather rock out to some music.
96. I read so much that I made myself near-sighted. This may not have happened if I listened to books on disc.
97. For my day job I work in sales. Fastener sales to be exact. To make a living I sell nuts and screws. Not very exciting. Though I do like that the boss leaves me alone and isn’t in the office very often so I can do things like write this list.
98. I am planning a trip to Hawaii approximately one year from now and I am hoping to go swimming with sharks while I am there.
99. I have never seen a sunrise.
100. I talk with my hands all the time. Even if I am on the phone. Lee once saw me riding on the back of my neighbor’s motorcycle talking with my hands. I know no one can see me, but I cannot help it. Sometimes I even talk with my hands when I am talking to myself.

WHEW!!! That was hard. Okay, enough about me! Now it's time to celebrate YOU!!!!

First an award to pass out, then a giveaway!

The award was passed on to me by Vodka Logic.

"What is a Superior Scribbler? One who employs mad skillz to communicate in this crazy, crazy world. Who pontificates, explains, memorializes & entertains. Who has a funny bone & is not afraid to use it. Whose cyber-crib we return to again & again, because it just feels right."

Below are the "rules" of the award.

**Each Superior Scribbler I name today must in turn pass The Award on to 5 most-deserving Bloggy Friends.

**Each Superior Scribbler must link to the author & the name of the blog from whom he/she has received The Award.

**Each Superior Scribbler must display The Award on his/her blog, and link to this post, which explains The Award.

**Each Blogger who wins The Superior Scribbler Award must visit this post and add his/her name to the Mr. Linky List. That way, we'll be able to keep up-to-date on everyone who receives This Prestigious Honor.

**Each Superior Scribbler must post these rules on his/her blog.

I read lots of blog because they are all pretty fansmashingtastic, so choosing 5 proved to be tricky. The 5 I chose are:

Mandy's Life After 30

Steph in the City

Life As I Know It

Mean Girl Garage

Ever Thine. Ever Mine. Ever Ours.

Please check out these blogs! They are so fun to read!

And finally...

The Giveaway!

Because I love all of you so much I will be giving one lucky winner this:

A Fandango Gift Card for $25! All you have to do it leave a comment on this post and I will draw a name on Monday.

In the past few months I have seen my blog get more and more readers and it is so exciting for me that all of you want to read it! Thank you so much for all of your love and support! Here's to another 100 posts!

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

The Phone Call

In A Letter to my In-laws, I told you about the relationship, or lack there of, that Leland and I have with his parents. Last night, he called his mom.

It was a pretty uneventful conversation. Instead of dealing with any of the issues that are between them, they more or less just caught up with each other. When Leland told her he has been talking to his brother, she said, "Well I don't know why you're doing that, he's brainwashed." Really? And how do you know this? You haven't talked to him in 20 years. It seems to me that you don't know him at all so how in the name of goddess can you have an opinion on him? You may be feeling threatened, thinking that Leland's brother is trash talking you. But that hasn't been the case. Though they do talk about you, all The Brother says is that Leland should do what he wants and what he is comfortable with. And really, if he has been trash talking you, would he be so wrong? You have given Leland enough reasons not to like you or want to talk to you, don't worry that The Brother is making things worse. I don't think that's possible.

Wouldn't any normal person want her sons to reconnect? Leland's reconnection with his brother has been one of the most positive things that has happened to him. It's hard for me to imagine that Leland's mom can't be happy that her sons get along, talk on the phone and love each other.

Not surprisingly, she never asked about me. She never asked Leland how his wife is doing. He wasn't surprised either. Though the conversation was civil, and his mom said "I love you," and "I miss you," naturally this was just a baby step. The next phone call will have to start dealing with the problems. Just knowing that his mom loves him and misses him doesn't solve any of the problems. Nothing has been worked out. Leland was worried about making this phone call and it wasn't even the hard one to make. The next phone call, or phone calls are going to be the difficult ones. He'll have to talk about his dad, the way they have been treating him, the way they have treated me. I am sure there will be yelling, I am sure there will be crying and I am sure that when it's all over, I will like them even less than I do now. Though I am trying to keep an open mind. Trying.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Wow. That's A Personal Question

I remember when Leland and I were dating, everyone would ask me when we were going to get engaged. I really didn't know how to answer that question, so I would sort of sidestep it and maybe just reply with "Soon." Around our 3rd or 4th year of dating, it seemed all of my friends were getting married. At every single bridal shower and bachelorette party, someone would ask me when it was going to be my turn. Well, how the hell am I supposed to know? If I knew when we were going to be married then this would probably be my bridal shower. But I didn't know. I knew it was eventually going to happen, but I also knew that Leland did things slowly and it was going to take a little longer than I liked. Every time someone asked me that question it made me feel bad.

When Leland and I got engaged, I was so happy people would stop asking me when we were going to get married. I was elated. Now everyone knew it was happening and they could leave me alone. Little did I know that happy feeling of people leaving me alone, of not having to constantly be badgered, of not having people intrude into my personal business was going to be short lived.

I am married now. And you all know what comes next.


Now people are always asking me, "So, when are you going to have a baby?"

Again, I don't know how to answer this question. I was at a baby shower on Saturday and I knew I was going to be bombarded with a ton of people asking me the question. I tried to prepare myself as much as possible. I asked my mom, sisters and friends for advice. What do I say?

Do I just say "Wow, that's a personal question," and walk away?

Or do I say "We're having too much fun right now to even think about that."

Or maybe I just leave it at "When we are ready."

Possibly I should have said "When it happens, you'll be the first to know."

Naturally, when I was at the shower and the question was posed, I froze. I didn't know what to say. All of my preparing went out the window. Though I knew it was coming, I was surprised that so many people thought it was an appropriate question to ask. It is not an appropriate question to ask.

There are so many factors that come in to play with having a baby. Things like time, finances, personal development, relationship development, even biology. There are tons of women who decide the time is right but then have trouble conceiving. Why would anyone ask that question knowing that not all women are uber fertile? There are a ton of reasons that can make it difficult for a woman to get pregnant and a ton of reasons to make it difficult for a woman to stay pregnant. Why don't people think about things like this before they ask the very personal question? Not only is the question personal, but just asking it makes me feel small.

I am so happy for my friend who is pregnant with twins so please just let me be happy for her. I know there are a lot of people who must "keep up with the Jones's," but I am not one of them. I would much rather just keep up with myself. And right now, a baby is not in the near future. Please don't feel bad for me because I am not pregnant. I am happy with the way my life is, I am happy with all of the fun things Leland and I are doing that keep us so busy. I know a baby is in our future, but right now I am happy with it being the two of us.

And trust me, when it does happen, you will all be the very first to know. Until then, please stop asking.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Catching Up On Awards, Part 2

As promised, I am entering Part 2 of my awards ceremony. I have two awards to accept and pass along today.

The first award is the SWANK award, given to be by Atomic Lola. She made this one herself to honor all of the swanky blogs she reads.

I read lots of swanky blogs, but the SWANKIEST of SWANK include:
Vodka Logic
Technical Support
Skinny Bitching
My Net Finds
Carma Sez
Housewife Savant
Hot Piece of Sass
Navigating the Quarterlife
The Domestication of the (Once) Single Girl

Get grabbin' and pass it on to the SWANKIEST blogs you know!
... and don't forget to show it off on your blog.

Award #2 was given to me by Skinny Bitching. She had awarded me this fansmashingtastic award:

The only rule with this award is to list your top 5 addictions. Here are mine:

1. Snuggling up on the couch with Leland. I cannot stop doing this.

2. Wine. I love wine. Lots and lots of wine. There is a store close to my house that I just recently discovered called Vino 100 that is going to be getting a lot of my money in the near future.

3. Reading. Need I say more?

4. Baking on the weekends. I like to get up early (sort of) and make lots of yummy treats.

5. Sweet corn. During this time of year I cannot get enough of it. Sometimes my entire dinner will consist of sweet corn.

And the award goes to......

Yellowdog Granny
Mean Girl Garage
Ever Thine. Ever Mine. Ever ours.
Eat, Bitch & Whine
Atomic Lola

Please check out all of these awesome blogs!

I still have one more award to post so stay tuned for Catching Up On Awards, Part 3, the final chapter.

Thanks so much for these awards ladies! It is always exciting to be recognized by peers and it rad to know that other people like reading my blog!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Catching up on Awards, Part 1

In the past two weeks I have been given so many awesome awards. I'm so sorry that I have been completely unawesome in acknowledging them and passing them along. I have no excuses for my rudeness and I hope those of you who thought to give me the awards will forgive me!

The award I want to mention first comes from The Dutchess as Rose Tea Cottage.

The Dutchess awarded this in recognition and appreciation of the bloggers role as followers and daily commentators of Rose Tea Cottage and for having vision, knowledge, charm and humour on their own blogs. Thank you so much Dutchess.

Kathie at My Net Finds has quickly become one of my favorite blogs to read and she has presented me with this next award.

She made this award for the special bloggers who take the time to not only read posts, but also leave comments, respond to comments, form blog friendships with and support others, answer blogger questions, etc.....the ones who are a real "gem" in the bloggy world. The bloggy world wouldn't be the same without you!

The only rule for this award is that to accept it, display it proudly on your blog for all the bloggy world to see your greatness and/or pass it on to other bloggers as you see fit.

I pass this award on to:

Ever Thine. Ever Mine. Ever Ours. She always makes me laugh and is so honest. I know she's there to listen whenever I need her.
Carmasez Though I think she has already received this award, but she has become such a great friend I couldn't leave her out.
Intense Guy I love his blog. He is so funny, yet more real than any other blog I have encountered. I always look forward to his newest post and consider him to be a good friend.
Keeper of the Skies Wife Betty was one of my first followers. She has an amazing family and is totally ok with the fact that I think her husband is hot!
Living Different My very best blogging friend. I heart her mucho and am so thankful that something as awesome as blogging brought us together. I wouldn't have met her without it.

I have 3 more awards to pass out! Watch for Catching up on Awards, Part 2. I may just pass an award your way!