Monday, April 26, 2010

Off the Couch

The past 10 days have been a pain in my ass.


Not being able to do anything for myself has gotten frustrating and has left me feeling miserable. I am sick of laying on my couch, watching horrible Hallmark movies. I miss sleeping in bed next to Leland, and I miss being able to stand up while I take a shower. The days are always the hardest for me because I spend a significant amount of time alone.

At first the alone time was kinda cool. But after 2 days, I just got lonely.

And laying on the couch as sucked every ounce of motivation out of my body.

Leland is doing a great job of taking care of me, and when he is home with me he does an even better job of cheering me up. He'll make faces at me or do funny dances around the living room. His stand-up routine is getting better and I really think he needs to hit up an amateur night somewhere.

Though I know this isn't a very optimistic post, I AM getting better. I made it from the couch to the office all by myself. The pain isn't nearly as bad as it once was and I am hoping to be able to go back to work next Monday. Until then, I am trying to keep myself busy. I have had a few friends go above and beyond the call of duty to take care of me and keep me company. My younger sister has been amazing and always willing to babysit me whenever Leland was working late or had band practice. Some people I didn't even realize I was that close with showed up at my house to hang out with me or called me out of the blue to see how I was feeling. Though I am a sad and grumpy bugger right now, I know I am lucky to have so many people who care about me and want to help me get well.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Hump Day Hangover 9

If you want to know what this is about click here.

Hello again, hello. I am writing on behalf of my lady, who is laid up for awhile. Here’s the update: she’s hanging in there. That’s really all she can do. It’s a bummer seeing her in pain, so I just try to make her feel comfortable and crack stupid jokes to keep us both laughing. Unfortunately, we’ve been laughing hardest when she is trying to get up or sit down, so it makes the whole process more difficult. Each day, my number one priority is to ensure my lady does not get up by herself. I cannot let her fall again, so right now I’m pretty vigilant of her movements. As for the shagging, well of course that is still on hold.

Nonetheless, things have been good. I’ve been systematically balancing taking care of Al along with practicing with the band and playing video games, and I think that keeps us both sane. Alyson’s sister has been coming over and taking care of her when I go practice, which is pretty awesome. I appreciate her help and it’s good that Alyson can hang out with someone aside from me all the time. That way, we can get a break from each other here and there. Everything in moderation, even moderation.

So here are my thoughts on this week’s Hump Day Hangover:

Since we’ve begun the 700 challenge, I definitely feel different about myself and my relationship. I remember last year when we would barely have sex. At that time, I would say we had sex two, maybe three, times in a month. This was frustrating at first, so I would try to shake it off. I would go through conversations in my head, wondering why she was not interested in shagging me. As the frequency of sex lessened more and more, it began to weigh heavily on my psyche. Given my Y chromosome blueprint, in general it made me feel like a pair of blueballs. The worst part is when it began to wear on my ego.

The male ego is stubborn thing. However, it’s an important thing. I myself would try to resist the feeling of doubt and shrug it off many times, but in the end the lack of sex made me feel unattractive and alone. I felt like she didn’t want to have sex with me because of some defect in my appearance or personality. It takes a toll on a man’s confidence, that’s for sure. Fortunately, we have since worked out that problem.

Given the 700 challenge, these past two months have been most triumphant. I’m definitely in a better mood most of the time these days. So ladies, remember that it’s important to have fun with your man, and that includes fun in the sack as well. Having sex with your man makes him feel wanted and more connected with his mate. It will also probably make him more easygoing. In my case, the plot twist of the fractured pubis has put a damper on the coitus, but Al and I have been laughing and getting along most of time. Well, except for when she has to get up in the middle of the night to pee. When woken up at 2:45am, we are groggy and just sit in grumpy silence. At that point, silence is golden…and so is urine.

Friday, April 16, 2010

On behalf of Yankee Girl...

Hello all, this is hot husband posting on behalf of my lady. I just wanted to let you know she will be out of commission for a little bit. Here's why...

Yesterday we decided to go to the local park for some exercise. There is a paved walkway that loops around the entire park, so we decided that I would do some running while she did some rollerblading. Everything began uneventfully, although she was having a hard time finding her "wheel legs" after not practicing for over a year. At one point she took a break and I continued running around the park.

After a few loops, I met her back at the car. She looked visibly frustrated. As it turns out, she dropped her key while rollerblading and my keys were locked in the car. I told her to stay put while I jogged around the park looking for the key. Of course this was futile, but I had to try. She was walking the opposite direction and carrying her Rollerblades when we met each other. She borrowed a cell phone and called the police so they could break into our car.

She was walking back towards the car and I told her I'd meet her in a few minutes. She donned her Rollerblades one last time, and then hit a small downhill turn. I didn't see it, but she wiped out and got road rash on the right side of her body. Someone on a bicycle told me and I ran up to find her in a daze. She began to feel dizzy, so we called an ambulance. She was obviously in a lot of pain, so they took her on a stretcher and drove her to the hospital.

After several hours and x-rays, we found out she fractured her pubis (a.k.a. pubic bone) during the fall. Thus, she is experiencing a lot of pain from her groin to inside thigh and down her leg. She spent the night at the hospital and I visited her this morning. She will have to use a wheelchair and walker for the next month and will not be fully healed for 6 weeks. Ouch. I'm definitely going to have to step up and take care of her during the healing process. It will be like taking care of a 78 year old, minus the dementia and incontinence (hopefully).

So, this morning, she asked the orthopedic dude the question that might be on your minds right now. Can she have sex? He said yes (while blushing), but we must be very careful. I, however, am paranoid about any activity involving movement in the pubic area, so I don't think I want to risk it right now. So, we are probably going to have to rethink our strategy if we want to keep up with the 700 challenge.

Given these circumstances, Hump Day Hangover will be suspended for now, at least on her part. I'm definitely going to provide a guest post next week, and I'm sure she will provide an update on her condition as soon as she can. So for now, please provide comments and show her some love.

Thanks for reading everyone. I know your comments definitely put a smile in her day.


Thursday, April 15, 2010

Top 3 Thursday

I am not really a blog carnival kind of blogger, and I don't usually post on Thursdays, but when I saw the question for Top 3 Thursday I just couldn't resist!

Todays question:

Who are your top three "guilty" celebrity crushes?

Because I know you are all DYING to know....

#3. Paul Rudd

I think Paul Rudd is super cute, endearing, earnest, and he always makes me laugh. After I saw him do the best dance scene ever in I Could Never Be Your Woman, there was no turning back. Anytime I watch a movie with him in it, I pretend that I am his leading lady and he is my boyfriend.

John Oliver

John Oliver is a correspondent on the Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Though I think Jon Stewart is funny, I really only watch the show in hopes of getting to swoon over John Oliver for a few moments. His big nose and British accent turn me on SO MUCH. I really can't help myself. He gives me goosebumps and makes me all giggly. Though he really looks like such a nerd, there is just something about him that I cannot resist.

Harry Connick Jr.

Yes, he is my all time favorite and number 1 so he gets three pictures.

I have loved Harry Connick, Jr. since I saw him for the first time when I was 10 years old and I watched Memphis Belle. There is a part in the movie where he is singing Danny Boy, and then he looks into the camera and smiles and winks. Though it isn't stated for everyone to know, that smile and wink was SPECIFICALLY for ME. You see, he loves me too. And I think it is because of Harry Connick, Jr. that I have always been attracted to musicians. He plays the piano the way I do in my dreams. I can't help but imagine all of the other fabulous things he can do with his fingers.

If you want to play along, link up at Confessions From a Working Mom!

You know you want to!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Hump Day Hangover 8

If you want to know what this is about, go here.

I was supposed to have a guest blogger today but that ended up not happening. So now I am left completely unprepared for Hump Day Hangover.

Since I know you are all dying to know who left me high and dry today, and since I have no problems naming names and pointing, the answer is:


That’s right folks. My awesome and loving husband said he was going to write today’s installment, but instead decided to play Wii with some friends last night. Hopefully he kicked some serious ass at Wii bowling to make it worth it.

Since I have been blown off by my own husband, I have no idea what to write about.

I was thinking of writing about how I plan on making up for the 60 times we are behind (yes, 60), but in all honesty, I have no idea how we are going to do it (pun intended). Especially when Leland invites friends over on a weeknight to play Wii. I mean, that was prime time to be shagging.

I was thinking of writing about how hard this challenge is, but I don’t really feel like being whiney today. I would much rather stick with the mopey feeling I have now. Today I feel like I actually do have a Hump Day Hangover. Whenever I drink too much and have a hangover, the last thing I want to think about is alcohol. Right now, I really don’t want to think about sex.

I was thinking of writing about The New Joy of Sex book that I got as a gift, but again, that’s about sex and I just can’t do it right now. I am sure I will tell you all about it one day soon. I will probably do it on a day that I am more prepared and have not just gotten the shaft from my husband. Get it? Shaft? Ahahahahaha!

I am so witty.

But since I don’t feel like talking about sex right now, I obviously have not written about any of these things. Instead I am moping and blaming Leland for my lack of a quality post today.

I love blaming things on my husband.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You

I am overwhelmed with the amount of love that Shorty and I have felt in the past few days. I know this is a tough time for most of us right now, so I was blown away by the amount of people who have donated for Shorty's hip surgery. Since I posted on Friday, I have received over $400 in donations!

For those of you who donated, and you know who you are:


It means so much to me that I have friends who are willing to lend a hand (or give some money) when I am in need. My heart is overflowing with joy.

And for everyone else, thank you so much for your words of encouragement. And telling me that you wanted to kick some trucker ass as well! You are all so wonderful and I hope that I can be as supportive of you as you have been of me.

If you want to donate, there is still time. Go here.

Shorty's hip surgery went amazingly well and he is being such a trooper! We picked him up from the vets on Saturday morning. He slept off the drugs until the afternoon, and then when we let him outside in the evening he was just as he was before the surgery: happy, excited, loving and playful. He is such a toughy I don't even think he noticed that his hip was sewn back together. He has a long recovery ahead of him but considering what he has lived through so far, I am sure the recovery will be a breeze for him.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Saving Shorty

Last weekend Leland and I went to visit his brother in Shreveport, LA. We left Wednesday afternoon for the 14 hour drive and arrived at his brother’s place at 7am. About 2 hours previous to our arrival, Leland and I stopped for gas one last time. When we pulled in to the truck stop, we saw this small dog limping around. Naturally I had to get out of the car and visit with him. As I was petting him, one of the workers from the truck stop came outside to talk to me. She told me that Shorty (which is what they were calling him) had been pushed out of a truckers MOVING truck and left there. It had been three weeks and no one came back for him or took him home with them.

My hands were tied.

I HAD to take him.

There is no way I would have been able to leave that truck stop without him. All I would be able to think about is his sad little face and how much he just wanted some love. And then I would have decided that I was just as bad as the douchecanoe who abandoned him.

So we put him in the car and he spent the trip with us.

Now that we are home, we took him to the vet and got him vaccinated and dewormed. Though he didn’t have fleas, we gave him flea meds as a precaution and then picked 8 ticks off of him. His heartworm test came back negative so we started him on heartworm prevention. Today he is at the vet getting neutered.

And having hip surgery.

As is turns out, when the douchefucker of a trucker kicked Shorty out of his truck, Shorty broke his hip. The x-rays showed that his hip was worse than we thought. Without surgery his muscles could atrophy or the scar tissue could cause severe arthritis, making it hard for him to even walk.

So we are fixing it. We will somehow come up with the $2000 dollars for the surgery. Though money is super tight, I am trying not to think about the effect this is going to have on my bank account. Instead I am trying to think of Shorty. Instead of feeling bad for myself, I am feeling bad for Shorty. In his short life (the doctors think he is between 1-2 years old) he has been kicked out of a moving vehicle, left homeless and with a broken hip, he was a feeding ground for ticks, AND the x-ray showed a BULLET in his leg.

That’s right people. Some ASSHOLE shot this cute, sweet, loving dog.

There is a special place in hell for people who would do this to a dog.

In the week that we have had him, Shorty has stolen my heart. Though he has a broken hip, he loves to run and play. He is so gentle and loves to cuddle. He loves to take rides in the car and he loves to pretend to be tough.

As much as we love him already, Bacchus just won’t let us keep him. I think Bacchus would be able to come around with time, but our friend Joe was in the market for a dog so he will be keeping him. It is going to break my heart to let him go, but I know Joe will give him a good home. Plus, Joe lives 5 minutes down the street so we will be able to see him again.

If anyone is interested in helping us make sure Shorty gets the care he needs, go here.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Hump Day Hangover 7

If you want to know what this is about, go here.

It’s been a dry week. We have been busy, we have been traveling, we have been tired. The ticker seems to be broken, but I promise it’s not. We will be back to shagging like horny high school students shortly.

Last night was the first time we have had sex in a week. I KNOW! SOOOOO BEHIND.

I swear we are trying and have come to the conclusion that we if can’t pull this off then no one can. Just sayin.

Anyway, we were having sex last night in our living room and doing my new favorite position. It’s sort of like reverse cowgirl: Leland was sitting down on the couch and I was on top with my back facing him. I like it because the sex is great and I get one hell of a workout. And we are doing this to get in shape so the workout part is awesome.

So I am doing my thing, moving up and down, and since Leland is sitting on the couch I am basically doing squats. Hundreds of squats.

I usually HATE doing squats. They are not fun and I will think of any excuse not to do them. Until now. Squats are glorious when there is a dick underneath me, bringing me to a remarkable orgasm. Now I want to do squats all the time and have realized that squats without a dick underneath me are silly. There is no reason I should ever do them the normal way again.

I haven’t done this many squats in a long time and now I can barely walk. My muscles are so sore that walking up the stairs is a truly daunting task. But I don’t care. I will do some more squats tonight.

Because like John Mellencamp said, “It hurts so good.”

Monday, April 5, 2010

Back Home, Back to Work

I am back from Shreveport, LA, though I will still be absent from the blog world for a couple of more days.

The trip was amazing, and I will tell you all about it soon, but we picked up a four-legged hitchhiker on the way down there and now I am busy taking care of him. After a visit to the vet this afternoon, hopefully I will be able to give him to his new home sometime this week.

Until then, Shorty is getting my attention.

And yes, I will post pics of him and tell you his story when I come back.

I hope you all had a great weekend!