Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Goodbye to the Great 2008

I have a three funny stories about working at the emergency clinic last night and I will make sure to get them up this weekend, but first I wanted to say HAPPY NEW YEAR! As I type, Hot Husband is having a fit in the background because he is unloading the dishwasher and can't find places for all of our stuff. I can't help but laugh because he is comparing his turmoil to that of a single mother. I find his intentional overreaction hiliarious. He is trying to get the kitchen more organized because some of our friends are coming over this evening and he wants it clean so they can mess it up again. In a few hours he'll be able to relax and bid 2008 adieu. 2008 has been an awesome year for us that mostly involved preparations for our wedding and spending time with our family. My only hope for 2009 is that it is as great as 2008.

2009 promises to bring a lot of changes for us, and I am excited and sad at the same time. I can't believe we will be leaving Illinois, but I know this is a journey I am ready to embark on. Can you believe I already planned a trip home??? This week my sisters and I planned a camping trip for August that I am so looking forward to. I hear it's easier to leave if you know exactly when you'll be coming back, so hopefully knowing I won't be totally cut off from my family will help...not that they would ever let me be totally cut off or that I would want to be cut off. And now I'm teared up and rambling....

Oh well. Happy New Year to all who read this. And check back this weekend for some stories about some animals and their extremely imbalanced owners!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Merry Christmas Eve

As I sit at my computer, I can't help but watch the snow fall. My desk faces a window because I wanted to be able to see outside while I write. And although the snow is pretty and millions of people are going to be so happy that there is, in fact, going to be a white Christmas, I groan to myself knowing that I am going to be shoveling the driveway in just a few, short hours. When I woke up this morning, I stayed in bed for a few minutes trying to decided what workout I wanted to do this morning. I settled on Tae Bo, even though I want to throw Billy Banks out a window. However, as I walked downstairs and glanced out the hallway window, I realized what my actual workout is going to be.

I'm excited that today is Christmas Eve, though the holiday really snuck up on me this year. I love Christmas and think it is a magical time, but now that I am getting older, I think I need some young blood in my life to make it feel really special again. With all the changes we are going to be making in 2009, I doubt a baby will be arriving before next Christmas. But if we move and get settled as soon as possible, there is a possibility that Santa will be visiting our house in 2010.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Lies Barbie Told Me

When Hot Husband and I moved in together, I was in shock. I was sincerely surprised that our life together wasn’t exactly like the life I made for Barbie and Ken in my childhood fantasies. Barbie and Ken never fought. They had ravenous sex every day, probably because when I was young I had a difficult time finding the right dialogue for lovers, but I always knew that lovers had a lot of sex. Occasionally they went to work, but because Barbie’s mansion was so much fun to play with, Barbie spent most of her time at home. In real life, fights occurred, sex was rare, and Hot Husband and I actually had to work on a daily basis. It wasn’t until we bought our house that I realized maybe Barbie dolls aren’t the best toys for little girls to play with.

We bought our house in the spring. While looking, we came across a moderately sized cape cod that we fell in love with instantly. The hardwood floors, updated bathroom and the 12 foot bar in the basement were hard to resist. Built in 1932, the house has a lot of history that was very intriguing. We loved the long, oversized driveway and imagined all the parties we could have. No one would have to park on the street. It was no where near the size of Barbie’s mansion, but I figured I could do without the elevator. If we had looked at the house in the winter, perhaps the view would have been different. It is possible the weather could have shown us something else, something we were blind to in the pleasant days of June.

The shocking realization did not occur until the sizzling days of summer made way into a classic Chicago winter. Snow began to fall. It was at this point we understood that the driveway where everyone parked when we entertained in the summer was going to need to be shoveled. All 180 feet of it. I don't know about you, but my Barbie NEVER shoveled a driveway. Trying to be positive, I keep telling myself that shoveling is my new cardio. There is no need to pay for a gym membership as long as it keeps snowing. The only problem is I already have a gym membership. And since the snow keeps falling, I have no time to go to the gym. I pay forty dollars a month and can’t even make my money worth it.

Every time it snows, Hot Husband and I try to make up new ways to keep shoveling fun and exciting. Occasionally we drink heavily before we head out to find the shovels. Sometimes we race in exchange for backrubs. However, none of the ideas make the reality of shoveling any better. The only thing that works is knowing that one more day of shoveling brings us one more day closer to spring.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

This Really Frosts My Cupcake!

Today as I dropped Hot Husband off at work (we are a one car family so we do the carpooling thing) I noticed a very disturbing bumper sticker on the car in front of me. The bumper sticker read: If Mary were pro-choice, there would be no Christmas. I could not believe some small-minded, uninformed, and most likely ridiculously religious person printed those words on a bumper sticker. I have four problems with this bumper sticker and I've put them into a nice list for all of you.

1. For the sake of argument, let's say Mary was pro-choice. THAT DOESN"T AUTOMATICALLY MEAN SHE WOULD HAVE AN ABORTION! There are millions of people who are pro-choice who have not had abortions and would never have an abortion. They just want the right in case it was needed.

2. The bumper sticker could very well be based on a myth. No one has any idea if Mary and Jesus ever existed. I know, I know, religion is based on faith that they both did, but let's not play games, there is always a chance that they did not exist.

3. Mary was immaculately impregnanted by God. If God really is all great and powerful like so many people believe, don't you think he would know if Mary would have had an abortion if it was legal? And if he knew that she would have, don't you think he would have picked someone else to impregnate?

4. It's offensive. Why can't bumper stickers just be funny?

So that's my list. I'm getting angry just typing this so I think I'm going to pour a glass of wine and try to relax and think about all the smart people I know.

Monday, December 15, 2008

It's The Most Wonderful Time of the Year!

There is a good possibility I am done with my Christmas shopping. However, there is an equally good possibility I will wake up tomorrow morning and remember some gifts I need to buy that are eluding me at the present time. I am usually so organized with my gifts, but this year I can't seem to keep it together. I suppose only time will tell, but hopefully it tells me something soon because I am rapidly running out of days til Christmas.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

It's Official--I AM a Crazy Person

I just submitted myself to two hours and ten minutes of pure torture. Knowingly and willingly submitted myself to two hours and ten minutes of pure torture. I just opened a bottle of wine and poured myself a large glass to help me forgive myself for being so incredibly lame and crazy.
I just finished watching P.S. I Love You on HBO. What in Goddesses name was I thinking? If you are a sad person, don't watch this movie. If you just lost a loved one, don't watch this movie. If you are a happy person surrounded by all of the people you love, don't watch this movie. For sad people, this movie can bring out your inner Silvia Plath. For happy people...well, I guess it does the same thing. For two hours and ten minutes I squinted at the TV because my tears were blurring my vision, hoping that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel, or that the gas in the stove would miraculously turn off. The only positive thing about the movie was getting to see a few very brief glimpses of Harry Connick, Jr. (who I heart mucho, by the way). But since those glimpses were rare, they didn't turn this depressing movie into a Harry Connick, Jr. swoon fest as I was hoping. So now I am drinking my wine, waiting for a call from a friend who I know will make me laugh and assure me I was a crazy person long before I watched this movie.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

A Little Pity Party...Wanna Join Me?

I should be in a fabulous mood because I'm not working at the clinic tonight. When the weather gets bad I guess people stop playing with their dogs and thus, the dogs stop getting hit by cars. So the clinic is super slow and since I'm a relief tech, I was relieved of working today. And to be honest, I was pumped to hear I didn't have to work. That high only lasted for a few moments because then I got a call from Hot Husband. Hot Husband is in Florida this week for work. FLORIDA! He is in Florida while I am in Illinois dealing with snow. He is in Florida and enjoying 75 degree temps while I am in Illinois dealing with temps that are struggling to hit 20. Ugh! I know it's a work trip, but he still gets to have some fun in the sun while I have to shovel our long ass driveway. I am feeling very, very sorry for myself right now.

The Bachman, on the other hand, is ecstatic. He was bred to swim in subzero temperatures and he thinks snow is the bees knees. While I shiver outside to throw the ball for him, he romps in the snow like it was put there simply for him. And honestly, it has to be there simply for him because I know no one else who asks for the stuff. Usually he curls up beside me whenever I use the computer, but right now, he is standing with his head laying on my lap, wagging his tail, asking to go outside again. Of course I'll give in and put my hat and mittens back on, because he is the Bachman and he deserves to get what he wants, simply for being the Bachman.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

I Jumped on the Bandwagon

I've been missing all week because I did what almost every woman in America was telling me to do: I read the Twilight Saga. As much as I would like to blog about what I thought of the books (totally loved them), I really need to spend some time with the husband I neglected all week. I hope you understand.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Top Ten Reasons Thanksgiving is my Favorite Holiday

10. The four day weekend.
9. Mashed potatoes. They are my favorite kind of potatoes and I love to drown them in gravy.
8. It's the one day a year I let myself eat without feeling extremely guilty. I save the guilt for the day after.
7. Mamosas. I drink them all day long.
6. Green bean casserole. I just recently discovered that I like it and I can't wait to give myself a big helping.
5. Being lazy in the morning then going over to someone else's house and being lazy there.
4. Watching Hot Husband bond with my dad and brother-in-law.
3. Mom's stuffing. She really should make it more often than once a year.
2. I love watching Santa Claus enter Harold Square in the Macy's Thanksgiving day parade. Even at 27, this still makes me giddy with delight.
1. Having everyone I care about crammed into a small house, fighting for places to sit or stand, talking loudly because none of us wait for people to stop talking--we just get louder and louder, drinking and eating and laughing.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Me on my Pulpit

I moonlight as a Veterinary Technician. I work at a 24 hour animal emergency clinic. I love this job and if it could actually pay all of my bills I would do it full time. Alas, it does not pay my bills so I keep my meaningless and mundane job that I loath and settle for working with animals a couple times a week. Last night I was working the 6-midnight shift, which happens to be my favorite shift because that is always the time the really weird people come in with their animal emergencies.

Around 9pm last night, a man came in with his cat Gizmo. Since I was on outpatients, I was the first person to talk to the man. On first site I was already holding back the giggles. This man was in his late forties and he looked like Jon Lovitz with Einstein hair. When I asked why he brought Gizmo in, he proceeded to reveal to me his very serious mommy issues. The conversation went something like this:

Me: So why are we seeing Gizmo tonight?

Lovitz-Einstein: Well, I caught Gizmo licking some powdered sugar off of my pancakes this afternoon, so I called my mom and she told me that powdered sugar is bad for cats.

Me: Is your mom a veterinarian?

Lovitz-Einstein: No, she just knows everything.

Me: So did your mom tell you to bring her here?

Lovitz-Einstein: No, she told me I should make Gizmo vomit by giving her salt water.

Me (trying really hard not to roll my eyes): And I'm guessing the salt water made her vomit and now she can't stop.

Lovitz-Einstein: Yes. How did you know that?

Me (actually rolling my eyes this time): Because I work in the veterinary field and actually know a thing or two about what is and isn't good for cats. Powdered sugar is okay for cats to eat. We don't recommend it, but it won't hurt the cat. Salt is bad for cats and can cause extreme vomiting and elevating sodium levels in the bloodstream can lead to all sorts of problems.

Lovitz-Einstein: No, you're wrong. My mom said it was okay and she knows what she's talking about. Gizmo has to be vomiting for a different reason, probably because of all the powdered sugar.

Me: Okay, you can believe what you want to believe, but we're going to have to hospitalize Gizmo for around the clock treatment and you're probably going to be looking at a $1000 estimate.

Lovitz-Einstein: What? I'm gonna have to call my mom to see what she thinks before we do anything.

Me: I understand you are upset about what happened to Gizmo, but if you want Gizmo to get better we're going to have to treat her whether or not your mom thinks it's a good idea.

Lovitz-Einstein: Listen lady, my mom is right about everything. She was right about my job and right about my ex-wife! I know she's right about this!

Me: (well this is where I lose all composure and starting laughing)

Lovitz-Einstein: Oh, are you gonna take my ex-wife's side and blame my mom for the divorce?
Me (between breaths of laughter): All I am here to do it make sure Gizmo gets well.

In the end, Lovitz-Einstein decided to treat Gizmo because his mom said it would be a good idea. I am sure the ex-wife is happier now that she no longer has to deal with his mom and her baby.

The moral of the story is two-fold. Always call your veterinarian before you decided to make your cat sick for no reason and stay away from men with mommy issues as severe as this.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Number 2!

So I was reading an article on Yahoo! news this afternoon that listed the top 10 places in the world to visit in 2009. Occupying the number 2 spot was Austin, Texas. Of course the article boasted about the music scene--for those of you who don't know Austin is the live music capital of the world--but also paid kudos to the cultural scene, such as museums, theathers, restaurants and eclectic shops. Oh, and I can't forget to mention the 300 days of sunshine each year! So please, visit Austin next year, and when you do, don't forget to look me up!

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Home for Sale

No one has ever called me a clean person. Piling clothes on the floor all over the house is one of the things I do best. I am allergic to the vacuum and refuse to put the dishes in the dishwasher until the kitchen sink is full. So full that I can no longer use the faucet. So please take a moment and imagine how painful it is for this Yankee to be selling her house. Selling a house is the biggest annoyance I have encountered in my life so far. Yes, there are other annoying things like being woken up at 3am because Hot Husband gets a call from work, or noticing a bare toilet paper roll when it is already too late. But as frustrating as these things are, there is only one thing that has pushed me to the brink of madness: the "For Sale" sign in my front yard.

Call me Naive (yes, the capitalization is on purpose), but I actually thought this would be easy and would require little to no work. Yes, this is my first time, so I am very inexperienced. I had no idea that realtors would expect my home to be a showcase. MY HOME! Even on its cleanest days it has never been a showcase! I find myself waking up every morning hoping no one calls to see the house so I don't have to run around in a torred frenzy to clean it. Shouldn't I be hoping people do call so I'll be one step closer to moving? This is all too much for me. Thank goddess Hot Husband is a neat freak. However, he is out of town this week so the cleaning has been left up to me. I'm sure he won't be surprised to come home and see I've done nothing. Ooh! I just remembered I did do something! Yay for me! I taped the dining room so it'll be ready to paint when he gets home.

When the decision to move was first made, I decided that I would do something around the house every day. During the week after work I thought I could come home and pack one box every night. On the weekends I figured I would do some of the bigger projects like painting and cleaning the basement. So far I haven't packed a single box and haven't started painting. The basement is clean only because Hot Husband stayed home from work one day to clean it. I really need to step up my game.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

The Bachman

It has been brought to my attention that although I mention the Bachman in my profile, I haven't introduced him yet. While I type, the Bachman is curled up at my feet, squeezing his 80 pound body underneath the desk. Bacchus (aka, the Bachman) is my dog. Well, our dog. I do have to share him with Hot Husband. The Bachman is our 3 year old, inbred, slightly special, super happy and always pumped Chesapeake Bay Retriever. He is the best free thing I ever got. Because he was inbred he is genetically imperfect, but I think his underbite and turned out feet give him so much character. Although he often pees in the house when guests arrive because he is so excited and likes to roll in any stinky thing he can find in the yard, I think he is perfect. He's ornary and pushy but his big brown eyes are eyes of innocence. He loves to play fetch, and will actually put the ball right into my hand when he comes back. Lately, he loves to play with, then eat, bugs. I look forward to the days in Texas when I have to pull a snake or a scorpion out of his mouth before he swallows.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Toxic Waste Dump

I didn't always hate my job. Years ago, I liked it a lot. The office used to be full of positive energy, I used to laugh and smile at work, I used to feel comfortable there. Now...things are different. I don't think anyone at work knows what positive energy is anymore. I can't remember the last time I laughed at work and the only time I actually smile while working is when I'm not in the office or Hot Husband sends me a cute text message. All of your hard work is forgotten about the minute a mistake is made. Well, that's not entirely true. For something to be forgotten it first needs to be noticed. The office is leaking toxic waste and it infected me a long time ago. Now I'm trying to decide if I should try and impliment changes to boost moral so I can try to have some sort of a healthy work environment or if I should just keep my mouth shut and do my work knowing my days there are limited. I used to be a self-starter and years ago I would have done whatever was necessary to change the work environment, now I'm not sure if I want to fix a system for a manager who has no interest in fixing it himself. But at the same time, I'm not really good at keeping my mouth shut. All night I have been trying to figure out why I am so bothered by the events that happened at work today and I think it's because my job makes me miserable and days like today just make it that much harder to show up tomorrow.

I've stayed at this job for way too long. Though I have always thought about finding a new one, it just never happened. There was always some excuse. Now I have the best reason in the world to find a new job and I am so excited. I have no idea what I am going to do or where I'm going to do it, but I will finally get the job change I never had the nerve to make. Maybe if I think about that all day tomorrow I might be able to smile while I am in the office.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Winter blues

When Hot Husband & I made the decision to leave the midwest & head somewhere warmer & sunnier, I decided to try to enjoy what may be my last winter in Chicago. That only lasted 3 weeks. Last night as I left work and took the 5 steps to my car, I realized there is nothing to enjoy about winter. The constant clouds, cold wind, shoveling the driveway and dealing with traffic while it snows are all things I find impossible to enjoy. When I made it home I told Hot Husband that I was through enjoying the winter. "You know," he said, "I don't like the winter either, but I do like sitting at home on a weekend afternoon or evening & watching the snow fall outside while we have a fire inside. And I like when it's dark and we go outside everything is so peaceful." That I will miss.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Yankee bitch to Southern belle

My adult life has been a series of impromtu decisions. After graduating college, I thought it would be a great idea to buy a house with my boyfriend. In two months we got approved for a loan, found a cute little house we liked, closed and moved in. I have three tattoos that I got just because I felt like it. I didn't think about any of them for longer than 30 minutes before getting my body forever inked. Lucky for me, I still love them. My nose stud was something fun for me to do on vacation. And although I always wanted to move somewhere warm, I never really considered it an option until Hot Husband came home from work 3 weeks ago and told me we are moving to Austin, Texas.

Please don't be misunderstood, this decision was not strictly made by Hot Husband. In fact, it was my idea. My idea that I had three years ago. After realizing Hot Husband's music career (career being used in the loosest sense of the word) was too important to give up, I stopped pressing the issue. Imagine my surprise when Hot Husband came home from work on October 15th complaining he had enough and was ready to move on. Then I asked the million dollar question. Where are you gonna look for a job? By now, you all know the answer to that question. Four days later our house was listed on the market and since then we have been cleaning, packing, laughing, crying, worrying and generally feeling like our life is spinning out of control and falling into place all at the same time. In the midst of all the madness, one question has been weighing on my mind. Can a Yankee bitch ever become a Southern belle? I hope not, because being a Yankee bitch is just fine with me, thank you.