Wednesday, June 30, 2010

It's Hump Day and You Know What That Means!

If you want to know what this is about click here.

Remember last week when I told you all I was turning into a guy? Well, let’s not forget that my partner in life and in the sack is a guy. Which means he is never having enough sex. Leland is getting more nookie than any other man I know and he will still complain that he isn’t getting enough.

Not only has this project turned me into a sex craving monster, this project as turned Leland into a beast. AN ACTUAL BEAST. He has started snarling and growling at me in bed, and when we aren’t having sex he’ll snarl and growl at me to let me know he wants some. Sometimes he’ll even howl.

I thought for sure that this project would satisfy him, but apparently that isn’t the case. Instead of wanting it less, or being happy with what he is getting, he simply wants it MORE. Much, much more. Remember all of those random boners I told you that Leland gets? Well, they did subside when I had my injury, but that was only because Leland was too worried about me to think about sex. Now that I am better, the random boners are back with a vengeance. I simply cannot keep up. His inner beast has completely taken over.

At least Leland is a beast-man. Being a beast-man is infinitely cooler than just being a beast.

Now if only I could get him to let out a big scary growl and rip his shirt off before pouncing on me….that would be a hot way to start a romp in the hay.

Monday, June 28, 2010

A Shorty Update

A few months ago this little guy wandered into our lives:

Having been dealt a horrible hand in his short little life, so many of you helped Leland and I come to his rescue. We raised nearly $900 for his hip surgery. Because of all of you awesome bloggers out there, random friends and family, and some people I have never met before, Shorty was given a second chance.

When we first put him in our car and took him along with us for a ride, he was a quiet, cuddly dog. Though he was playful, he couldn't really do that much playing with a bum hip. After his surgery, everything changed. Though at first he looked like this after the surgery:

he bounced back quickly and was soon running all over the place. Our friend Joe, who has given him a permanent home, picked him up a few days after the surgery. At first Shorty was going to stay with us until his stitches were removed, but it ended up working out for the better that Joe took him when he did. You see, a few days after the surgery was when I broke my pelvis. There was no way Leland was going to be able to handle taking care of two of us who needed constant care!

Shorty LOVES Joe and loves playing and getting into trouble. Now that he is feeling so much better, he has WAY more attitude than he did when we found him. Joe is having fun with him, and I am sure Shorty is having fun with Joe. They have become best buddies. A few weeks ago Leland and I went to Joe's place to visit with him and Shorty. At one point Leland and Joe left to pick up some beer and I was left there with Shorty. Shorty sat and looked out the back sliding glass door the ENTIRE TIME Joe was gone. As soon as he saw Joe pull his truck into the driveway, he starting wagging and whining. He just could not wait to see Joe again.

The doctor says that Shorty is healing well, his muscle is developing at a good rate, and he is basically as good as new. Thank you so much to all of you who helped make this possible. It means more to me than you could ever know.

And I know it means a lot to Shorty.

Check out this post for all of the details on Shorty.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

HDH - Better Late Than Never

If you want to know what this is about click here.

This has been a very long week. My vagina is still irritated and slightly infected so there has been no nookie going on in my life right now. Before this challenge started, going a week without sex would have been fine with me. But now things have changed.

I have turned into a guy.

Now that I am not having sex, all I think about is SEX.

Now that I am not having sex, I am soooooo incredibly moody.

Now that I am not having sex, I literally pout ALL THE TIME.

I am not a fun person right now. My friends are tired of listening to me complain. At first I am sure some of them were glad we had to take another forced break because then they didn't have to listen to me tell them all of our sex stories, but by now I am sure they want me to start getting some again so I can stop whining about needing to get off.

And since I am infected all over my vagina, masturbation isn't really an option either. So instead of having sex I just sit around an mope. Literally. Last night I couldn't think about anything other than having sex and it kept me from doing ANYTHING. I sat on the couch all night just feeling sorry for myself and infected lady parts.

Have you noticed the ticker has moved up only ONCE since I posted about the vag issues? I am so mopey that I don't even want to give blowies. The ticker moved faster when I had my broken pelvis. What the hell is wrong with me? All of the roadblocks are starting to bring me down.

I can't let that happen. There is no more time to spare.

I need to pick myself up, brush myself off and get back on that horse.


Or I might start acting crazy like walking in circles and talking to myself. I might even develop a weird twitch.

Monday, June 21, 2010

That's Not a Fish, That's a Goldfish Cracker

I can't seem to get my shit together to post on Mondays. I try, I really do, but something always happens and I either don't get it done, or you get a lame post like this one.

This time, my weekend was WAY TOO AWESOME to even think about what I was going to post yesterday. I spent Friday night, Saturday and Sunday enjoying the weather and making every moment of the summer count.

To recap, because I know you all are DYING to know:

Friday night: We had some awesome thunderstorms rolling through my town, so Leland and I, along with some very good friends of ours Double C and Zizzo, sat in our garage and watched the lightning shoot across the sky. For a good half hour the lightning and thunder was right on top of us which gave us an amazing show to watch.

Saturday: We woke up early because I was supposed to watch my nephew participate in a fun run at our local park. However, even though I got there before the start of the race, I still wasn't allowed in. So I went home, picked up Leland, and we went fishing with Double C and Zizzo.

We have taken Bacchus fishing with us several times, and USUALLY he is super calm and just hangs out. This time was different. During the very first cast of the morning, Bacchus jumped into the creek and chased after the line. Even though we were all yelling at him to come to shore, he got caught in the strong current and was taken downstream.

I started running along the bank of the creek to try and catch up with him. Why I thought it was a good idea for ME to run along a rocky and uneven creek bank, I have no idea. I am sure you all know where this is going.

Because I was very worried about my dog, I wasn't really paying attention to where my feet were landing. So OF COURSE my right foot lands in a mud hole and the entire right side of my body goes down along with it. Because that is the kind of thing that happens to me. But don't worry. Other than losing my shoe and my cell phone to the mud hole, I am just fine.

And of course Bacchus came back to us JUST AFTER I fell down.

I spent the rest of the morning fishing barefoot and having a great time with my friends. When we were tired of not catching anything, we decided to go swimming. We packed everything up and then spent the next 5 hours swimming at another friend's house. We drank a lot of beer, played some pool noodle baseball and we all got sunburned. We capped the night off with a bonfire.

Sunday: Leland and I bought my dad a fishing license for Father's Day, so we spent the morning checking out some local fishing spots with my dad. It was another HOT and sunny day but we loaded on the sunscreen and enjoyed fishing with my dad. We caught some little blue gills that we tossed back but had a good time fishing nonetheless. This time we kept Bacchus on a leash so he couldn't chase after the lines. The leash was long enough for him to get in the water to cool off, but he wasn't able to go far into the lake. Maybe it was his splashing around the shore that kept us from catching fish.

Our weekend came to an end with a dinner at my parent's house and then watching True Blood. Now it is Tuesday and I am at work, daydreaming about hooking a worm and casting a line.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Another TMI Post--I Know You Love These!

Yesterday I spent my lunch break at the gynocologist.

(Yes, this is a warning. If you do not want to know about what is going on with my vagina, stop reading now).

A few days ago, after my period had stopped, I couldn't help but notice I was having an excessive amount of clear discharge. There was so much discharge that it was like I was peeing my pants every hour. As hard as I tried to keep myself clean and dry, I was losing the battle. My nether regions were a mess. No stranger to yeast infections, I knew something was wrong. But it didn't seem like I had a yeast infection. The symptoms were different than what I am used to.

So I call the doctor and made an appointment.

I see the nurse practitioner, and after the whole Alyson-has-a-ripped-vagina fiasco, I became super comfortable with her and talk to her the way I talk to all of you: like she is my best friend and REALLY WANTS to know every detail of my life.

First she asks if I have any pelvic pain. "Well actually...", I said, and then launched into the details of the last 8 weeks.

Then she asks what has changed in my life that could have caused the issues.

She asked if I have a new partner. Nope that's not it.
She asked if I have been using new condoms. That's not it either.
She asked if I have been on any medications. Sorry, nothings different.

It wasn't until my feet were in the stirrups and I was scootching my vagina closer to her that I FINALLY realized what was different.

"Oh yeah! I know what's different! I have been having an insane amount of sex lately!"

"Define insane," she said.

So of course I had to tell her about the challenge.

She didn't quite know what to say. So I told her how it is making my relationship with Leland better. I told her how we are using sex as exercise. I told her that I am writing a book about it.

"Those are all good reasons to have a lot of sex, but there is one reason why you shouldn't be having that much sex," she said. "The womam's body wasn't built to have that much sex."

Unlike men, women have problems. Having sex can lead to UTI's, bladder infections, yeast infections, bacterial infections....

Men have it easy. They just pull their pole out and do the deed. Women have to deal with all the issues. My doctor said that if I want to TRY to avoid problems in the future, that I need to take a shower immediately after each time I have sex. And I have to make sure I pee immediately after each time I have sex. The whole rolling over and going to sleep thing is not an option for me anymore.

So I left the doctor learning that I have a bacterial infection inside my vagina, and a yeast infection on the outside that has actually spread to my butthole. That's right people. I have a yeast infection on my butthole.

And Leland thought he was done taking care of me! What a fool. Now he has to put ointment all over my area twice a day. I know he looks forward to it. I mean, why would he not? I get to put my yeast infection parts up in his face for him to take care of. He is such a lucky man.

Even all of this has not made me change my mind about going for the challenge. If anything, I am more determined than ever. Besides, this is all great material for the book!

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

HDH 17 - A Guest Blogger

If you want to know what this is about click here.

Tracie from Stir Fry Awesomeness is hanging out today. I know most of you know her and that makes me happy because she is fansmashingtastic. She never fails to make me laugh and since she thinks sarcasm is an art form, I must say she is quite the artist. Please read and enjoy!

*Before you read this post please be aware that in my neck of the woods we don't pronounce the "L" sound in caulk. This will be much more amusing if you do the same whilst reading.*

You know that my husband is too busy working to do manual labor. Therefore, I have had all manner of skilled (and unskilled) tradesmen sprucing up Casa de la Awesome.

I could do a series of posts on each one as they were all “characters”. (Remember the weirdo magnet?) And most of them have been talkers. (Like my kids on crack.)

Gary The Painter was no exception. He was hired to paint the downstairs bathroom, the stairway and half of the family room.

“Why only half of the family room?” the curious reader might ask.

Because Hubs started to paint it 2 years ago and he never finished. Six months of nagging and nookie were required for the first half to get done.

Gary had more issues than the New Yorker. One of them was his troubled love life. According to Gary, the women he met were only interested in money and sex.

(Could they have been hookers?)

Anyho, the entire time Gary painted he talked to me. It didn't matter if I was upstairs and he was downstairs, he continued his little therapy session.

(Perhaps HE should have paid ME?)

Eventually Gary deduced that Casa de la Notso Awesome needed many, many repairs and that Hubs was never going to do them. Then he became even more friendly and enthusiastic about his job.

First, Gary tried to convince me that he and a buddy could do the master bathroom re-model because he knew how to put up drywall.

(I was fairly certain that there was more to a bathroom remodel than drywall. But thanks, anyway.)

So Gary fell back on his forte - painting. He tried to talk me into hiring him to repaint all the trim and molding in the house. He was racing around pointing out all the imperfections and improper techniques that had been used.

Gary’s biggest pet peeve?


Here are some direct quotes from him:

“See here. This shoulda had some caulk on it right off the bat.”

“Look at this. The caulk’s not wide enough.”

“There are different sizes of caulk. You have to have the right size for each area.”

Caulk comes in different colors, too.”

Are you saying "That’s What She Said" after each of these?

In the end, Gary was a lousy painter. So I sent him on his way after the original job was completed.

But he did leave me with some parting words of wisdom which I feel compelled to pass along to all my bloggy buddies. Consider it my gift to the Blogosphere.

"Always remember, wherever there’s a crack, you need caulk."

Monday, June 14, 2010

Weekend Babble

This past weekend was the first weekend in MONTHS that Leland and I had nothing to do. Usually the weekends mean doing yardwork, seeing family and friends, parties, running a million errands, band practice, going out to see Leland's band play...and a whole bunch of other things. This weekend we had no plans.

Well, we had some plans, but nothing that required us to leave our house.

For the most part, we just sat around all weekend. Saturday morning we took a bike ride, but I was only able to last for about a half hour because I am still rebuilding muscle in my right leg. We were home by 10:30 and after that we sat around, had some sex and then watched a ton of episodes of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. We were uber lazy.

Sunday was the same way. Other than taking a walk to my parents house, which was 1.35 miles, we didn't do anything else except watch some It's Always Sunny episodes and watch True Blood. We spent most of the weekend just hanging out with each other.

Though we were really looking forward to the weekend so we could relax and just spend time with each other, it felt a little weird. We usually don't spend so much time inside, but the rain didn't really allow us to do anything else. We don't usually have so much one on one time, and though it was great, it still felt weird not to see other people on the weekend. And though I feel so well rested and didn't screw up my sleeping pattern, I still feel a little underwhelmed by the weekend.

Summer is short and Leland and I want to take advantage of every minute possible. I think I just need to remember that if I am going to enjoy the summer, I still need to be well rested and have time to relax. It was just weird relaxing that much. It's been awhile since either one of us have been able to do that. I guess it'll just take some getting used to.

Speaking of True Blood, did anyone see the season premiere last night? There were quite a few funny parts. I cannot wait to see what unfolds this season. The vampires of True Blood are infinitely cooler than other vampires that are on TV or in movies right now. If you are on a vampire kick, you should check it out.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Great for Groceries, Beach Items, or Even Human Heads

I was contacted via email by Simply Bags about posting a product review. I have never done a product review before, but I liked the product and was excited about getting something for free. So I said yes.

A few days later, this came in the mail for me.

The bag I got was green, and of course my name isn't Jennifer, but you get the idea....

I got a lovely green tote bag that was embroidered with the name Yankee Girl on it. When I first saw it online, I thought it was cute, but wasn’t really in love with it. But then it showed up on my doorstep and I was giddy with delight. You see, this tote bag is WAY COOLER in person. The colors are so bright and the bag is at least twice as big as I expected it to be. When Leland saw it, the first thing he said was “you can fit at least four human heads in that bag!”

Yes. Leland measures bags by how many human heads he can fit in it.

If you don't want to carry heads in your bag, it would make a great beach bag. It's canvas, so sand will be easy to remove. And you'll be less likely to mix it up with a strangers bag since it has your name on it.

Eager to show off my new bag, I used it when we went to my parent’s house for dinner. We had a ton of things to bring back to them, like empty wine bottles (my dad makes his own wine so we always reuse the bottles), a bowl that belonged to my mom that had just parked itself on my kitchen counter for weeks, and an appetizer that we brought over. The bag was HEAVY.

But the bag didn’t care. It didn’t feel the pressure at all. It stayed calm and cool and just carried the heavy load without complaining. The thick rope handles didn’t even buckle. The bottom didn’t look like it was going to fall out. Not only is the bag super cute and has room for four human heads, it is strong and sturdy and can carry a lot of weight.

So leave it in your car and use it when you are grocery shopping. You can pack a ton of groceries into the bag. Using the Tote Bag is a great way to go green.

Monday, June 7, 2010

June 7, 1981

That is the day I was born. Which makes today my birthday. I am 29.

I am going out for sushi in a few minutes and then will come home and have at least one glass of wine.

I could write a long, overly emotional post about what getting older means, but instead I am going to keep it short. I am 29. I have one more year of being in my 20's and I have every intention of making this next year to be as awesome as possible.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

HDH - 15

If you want to know what this is about click here.

Last week Leland and I had a lot of really bad sex.

Let me back up.

Last week Leland and I were crazy busy. After working all day, we would come home and work til about 9 around the house. After that we would shower and go to bed. He still had energy to do whatever he wanted, but I was very sore every single night, so when I got into bed I just wanted to go to sleep. Seeing that I wasn't satifying Leland's needs, I decided it would be a good idea to put out. And since it had been days since we had done it, I figured it was about time we got back into the swing of things.

So instead of going to sleep after my shower, I laid on the bed naked, waiting for Leland to finish his shower. As soon as he saw me naked he knew exactly what was going to happen. The problem is we just couldn't figure out how to do it. My pelvis hurt too much to be on top. I was so sore that even spreading my legs was difficult. We tried to 69 but that wasn't working either. Missionary was out of the question because I was too sore to try and lift my pelvis up. So we fumbled around for a while, trying to make it happen. Eventually we realized it wasn't going to happen so I gave Leland a blowie and called it a night. Even giving a blowie was problematic.

When it was over, we laid next to each other, not saying anything. I knew he was thinking the same thing I was, which was I AM SICK AND TIRED OF HAVING BAD SEX! After laying in silence for quite a long time, Leland asked what I was thinking. So I told him. And then he agreed. We didn't have sex for five days after that.

Don't worry though, we had sex 8 times on Monday and every time was great.