The nicest go-to badass bitch you'll ever need. I'm on a search for adventure. Time to start livin.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
It is Leland's Birthday Today.....
(Ok, neither of us really think he is the greatest man alive, we just joke about it.)
Though I do think he is pretty awesome most of the time.
Today is Leland’s birthday. He is 30.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY LELAND!!!!!!!!!!
He is having a hard time with his whole turning 30 business, so I thought I would come to all of you for help.
Please leave me comments telling Leland about at least one awesome thing about being in your 30’s. And if you aren’t 30 yet, let Leland know what you are looking forward to when you get there.
Monday, December 13, 2010
My Christmas Letter
And since I haven't done much blogging lately, I thought I would post it for all of you to read. Enjoy!
Well friends and family, it has been a hell of a year.
We are not too sad to see this one go, because like I just said, it has been a hell of a year. But in the season of merriment and joy, and because our lives are oh so interesting, I have decided to give you a top ten list of cool/fun/really-annoying-things-that-we-laugh-about-now that happened in the past year.
Are you ready for it?
Are you sure?
Because it is going to rock your world.
Alyson and Leland’s Top Ten List of Fansmashingtastically Awesome Things That Took Place in 2010:
10. I had a battle with the US Census Bureau. You see, it apparently wasn’t enough for them to count our house once. They had to keep coming back. And calling. So I refused to talk to them, ordered workers off my front porch, gave a ton of wrong information. I am certain that my determination to not be bothered kept census workers in my area working for longer. You know, I did whatever I could to stimulate the economy.
9. Dwight Schrute found a place in our hearts. He is part of the family now. We just cannot live without him.
8. Leland made dreams come true and performed Body Talk by Ratt live onstage for my birthday.
7. We both wrote books that are funny and absolutely ridiculous that everyone should read but will probably never be published.
6. We have discovered our mutual love for bad Channing Tatum movies, which would be all Channing Tatum movies. Who could resist his cheesiness and stupid, brooding look?
5. Leland fell in love with someone else. Actually, he fell in love with two someone else’s. Hall and Oates. He plays and/or sings Kiss on my List at least once a week.
4. I peed on Leland. For real. It was medical advice given to us by Madonna. We were just trying to get rid of a rash. Too bad it didn’t work.
3. We saved a dog from the sad life that is living at a truck stop in Arkansas. Shorty came to us skinny, full of ticks, limping because he had a broken hip, and was the object of target practice and had a bullet in his leg. Now he is overfed, flea and tick free, all fixed up and living with our friend Joe and annoying the hell out of him.
2. I broke my pelvis. Because I rarely do things half-assed, I didn’t just break my pelvis, I broke it in two places. Unable to walk for four weeks, I just lounged on the couch and reignited my love for Boy Meets World.
1. Leland cut the head off a dead squirrel and hung the head from the basketball hoop in our driveway. It was quite the summertime conversation piece. That skull is now sitting in our hallway as part of Leland’s death shrine.
So there you have it. I told you it would rock your world!
Let’s raise a glass and toast to having a fabulous Christmas and a spectacular 2011!
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
HDH --Fluff Girl Style
If you want to know what this is about click here.
Remember a long time ago when we first started this adventure and I told you all about Leland’s random boners?
Remember how I told you he gets a ton of random boners every day?
I thought that nine months into the experiment that he would start settling down some. I thought that maybe he wouldn’t be so horny all the time. I thought that having sex would quench his thirst.
Boy was I wrong.
Though are sex life may be boring –it’s just a lot of banging it out and blow jobs –he is never bored. He wants it all the time. I don’t even have to bring out my skills as a fluff girl to get him going. It seems my previous job as a fluff girl was a waste since I don’t have to use it in my relationship.
Yes, you read that right. Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, I was a fluff girl.
For those of you who don’t know what a fluff girl is, she is a girl in porn who keeps the men stimulated when they are off camera. She keeps them up so they are ready to plow whenever needed.
Ok, so maybe I wasn’t actually a fluff girl….but I sort of did the same thing…
…but for dogs.
Please don’t call PETA on me. I know the dogs liked it. I was a very good doggie fluff girl.
Are you scared yet? I know this sounds so terrible.
Let me explain. When I was in college I worked at an animal hospital. The doctors I worked with were reproduction specialists so I helped with all sorts of weird things that normal people would never admit to doing all over the internet. But very few people have ever called me normal. The weirdest thing I ever had to do was fluff dogs and then jerk them off.
(I cannot believe I am writing this right now!)
I would drench a towel in some pheromone smelling stuff, tie it around my waist so it was covering my ass, and then I would dance around for the male dog until he was “turned on.” Or as we call it in the animal world “his lipstick was out.” When he was ready to go I would give him a handie and collect the sample.
I can’t believe I just admitted to giving dogs handies. That is all kinds of gross.
Anyboner, Leland is much easier to turn on than most dogs. All I really have to do is walk in the room. Sometimes I don’t even have to do that. I often get texts from him telling me that he is masturbating in the bathroom at work thinking about me. He loves to masturbate at work --I think because it’s his way of fucking his company.
You see? We are having way more sex than anyone else I know and he STILL masturbates all the time. Whenever I complain about his sex drive and tell him he needs to bring it down a notch, he always feels the need to remind me that I created the monster and that his crazy horniness is all my fault.
Maybe this weekend I will actually have to give him a reason to be horny. I think it’s about time I replace the pheromone towel with some sexy heels and give Leland a dance of his own. Don’t worry, you know I will tell you all about that next week!
Monday, November 29, 2010
Thanksgiving Weekend Laziness
For the entire month of November, I have been a busy girl. Or I have been sick. There was little to no time that I spent doing nothing, just relaxing and enjoying time doing whatever the hell I felt like doing. I was in Austin for a quick weekend, which was a ton of fun, but also a pain in the ass as I got sick right after we arrived.
I was sick for a week after we got home. Though all I did when I was sick was sleep all day and night, I don’t really count it as not doing anything. And when I wasn’t sick, I was busy taking care of Leland, who was sick for three weeks this month. Yuck.
I was trying to do NaNoWriMo. I gave it a go, but ultimately failed. I tried pushing myself in the end, but I eventually realized that I just didn’t care if I finished or not. So I decided to stop worrying about making my word count and just wrote as much as I could. I was having a hard time feeling the material, but in the end it made me want to work on the book I wrote for last years NaNoWriMo. It’s a good exercise, but I just didn’t feel like pushing myself to finish this year.
But this past weekend everything came together and Leland and I were both healthy and had nothing planned. We slept in, shagged a lot, went out to dinner once, saw Love and Other Drugs (which is a great movie by the way), hung out with my family for Thanksgiving, drank 12 bottles of champagne, picked out a Christmas tree, decorated the tree and the house, moved the Harley into the dining room, and ate a lot.
Thanksgiving weekend is always my favorite weekend of the year because I purposely make sure to have no other plans except to celebrate Thanksgiving with my family. And for the other three days of the weekend I get to relax and enjoy the time with my husband. When I first started blogging I posted a top ten list of reasons Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. But at that point I didn’t have any readers, so here it is again.
Top Ten Reasons Thanksgiving is my Favorite Holiday
10. The four day weekend.
9. Mashed potatoes. They are my favorite kind of potatoes and I love to drown them in gravy.
8. It is the one weekend a year I let myself eat without feeling extremely guilty. I save the guilt for the Monday after.
7. Mimosas. I drink them all day long.
6. Green bean casserole. I just recently discovered that I like it and I can't wait to give myself a big helping.
5. Being lazy in the morning then going over to someone else's house and being lazy there.
4. Watching Leland bond with my dad and brother-in-law.
3. Mom's stuffing. She really should make it more often than once a year.
2. I love watching Santa Claus enter Harold Square in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade. Even at 29, this still makes me giddy with delight. I also love watching the Radio City Rockettes.
1. Having everyone I care about crammed into a small house, fighting for places to sit or stand, talking loudly because none of us wait for people to stop talking--we just get louder and louder-- drinking and eating and laughing. And then sleeping in the next day.
I hope everyone had a great weekend as well!
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
My Blue Spinel
When I stopped in I told them I wanted my ring cleaned and also needed a written appraisal.
"Oh, by the way," I said, "my center stone feels a little loose. Can you check the prongs to make sure it is ok?"
The woman then took out the little eye magnifying thing and started looking at it.
"The prongs are fine but the reason your stone is loose is because it's broken," she said.
I immediately started feeling sick to my stomach. The stone on my wedding ring was broken, and like I just told you, I don't have it insured. The woman could tell I was freaking out so she went and got Tom, the store owner, to talk to me.
When Leland got my engagement ring, Tom broke the first stone when he was sizing the ring. So then he got a new stone super fast. Because of all of the drama surrounding my stone, my ring has become a sort of celebrity in the jewelry store. Everyone knows the story of my blue spinel stone. The spinel I broke was hand picked by Tom in Sri Lanka. I love my stone. I love having an obscure stone that very few people know about. I love how different the spinel looks in different lighting. I love everything about my ring.
I was having a mild panic attack when Tom was talking to me, telling me that the break is so bad that it won't fit correctly in my setting if he cuts it. He said the only thing I can do is get a new stone.
With my head in my hands and tears running down my face I said with a deep breath, "Ok, can you give me a rough estimate on a new stone?"
"Oh, I'll give you a new stone. I stand behind my stones so I'll replace it for you," Tom said.
That's right folks! My jeweler is so wonderful that he is getting a new spinel for my wedding ring for me FOR FREE.
I almost peed my pants when I heard those words come out of his mouth. Then he said he would give me my old stone back and even cut it to fit a different setting for me. Though I am still upset that my original stone is broken, it is so much easier to deal with knowing that I won't have to wait til I save enough money to buy a new one. And I get to keep the old one.
Poetry Slam with the Scholastic Scribe
Here is my silly little sonnet* that I just wrote. Really, I wrote it in ten minutes, which is very evident by my silly little rhymes.
If I am remembering my Shakespeare correctly, he didn't name his sonnets, they were titled for the first line of the sonnet. So I guess that would mean the name of my sonnet is A snoring mister kept me up all night.
A snoring mister kept me up all night
Tossing and turning and snoring in bed
The lack of sleep as robbed me of my sprite
My eyes are heavy and itchy and red
though I’m complaining I’m actually fine
I’m worried for Leland who has a bad cold
vacations with a cold sound like a crime
he needs to kick this cellular slime mold
He has taken lots of vitamin C
to prepare for the long flight down south
and enjoy the fun weekend potpourri
hopefully he’ll stop breathing through his mouth
Leland is sick and I am tired
Being healthy is simply required
*This is what happens when I get 1.5 hours of sleep. Please forgive me for making you read this!
Monday, November 8, 2010
Monday Minute...It's All I Can do to Keep Up!
1. What’s for dinner tonight?
I have no idea. I will most likely get home from the gym and then whip something up. It will probably include shrimp because that is the only meat I am really enjoying these days (other than my obsession with ribs, but they take too long to make for a weeknight) and maybe some peppers and pasta noodles. Or maybe I’ll make soup and grilled cheese sandwiches.
2. Have you even been stung by a bee or wasp?
I am sure I have, I just don’t really remember.
3. What time do you go to sleep every evening?
During the week I try to be in bed by 10 and sleeping by 11. I do not function well on less than 6 hours of sleep and I always aim to get at least 7. I am a way more pleasant person when I get at least 7 hours of sleep. On the weekends, I go to sleep anywhere between midnight and 2am. I prefer going to sleep as close to midnight as possible.
4. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
Mint Chocolate Chip. The green kind. I love the artificial coloring!
5. If you could have one power, what would it be?
To slow down time. Everything goes by so quickly.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
It's Hump Day Home Peeps!
If you want to know what this is about click here.
So, this has been a year of having sex.
You already knew that.
Want to learn something that you didn’t know and probably don’t want to know?
We are trying anal.
Yes, I said it. But it was in small, small letters so that means it was a whisper. I am not ready to shout it from the rooftops yet. And I am sure my neighbors are thankful for this. I mean, we have some small people living in our neighborhood and they are too young to know anything about butt sex.
If you want to know how this is going, keep reading. If not, then have a great day and I will see you soon!
After talking about it for a long time, I have decided to give butt stuff a try. I weighed the pros and the cons.
I am in a monogamous relationship
My husband loves me
I trust my husband to be gentle
Leland really wants to give it a go, and since I don’t have hard feelings either way, I thought it would be fair.
It’s a natural laxative and I have been fairly constipated lately.
It will probably be very uncomfortable at first.
Since the pros clearly outweighed the cons, I bent over and stuck my ass in the air.
I have a few girlfriends who sometimes enjoy butt sex so I talked to them first. One friend made sure to point out that you can never have too much lube. Another said to stimulate myself while Leland is working my ass. She said that with extra stimulation I may not notice what is going on in my butt.
We have tried lube, some AnalEase I bought at a sex store and massage oils and I still can’t find a lube that works wonders. The massage oil was definitely the best though. But it still hurt. Leland only had a finger in my ass before I told him to stop.
I’m not giving up though. Next time I will try stimulating myself, or have Leland do extra stuff as well. It didn’t hurt too much that I would never try again, it was just really uncomfortable. The weird thing is that it didn’t hurt when Leland put his finger inside, it hurt the most when he pulled it out. Which is weird, because that is the direction my butthole is used to having stuff travel.
We will be trying again tonight.
And yes, I am still constipated.
Friday, October 29, 2010
A Scary Story -- Repeat Post
Leland and I live in a house that was built in the 30’s. It was once a private residence, a nursing home, and then a private residence again that was also a drug house. We figured it would have some sort of interesting history, but since we haven’t done any research, all we know about the house we heard from the neighbors. Other than it being a drug house, none of the history was really bad. Just normal old house stuff.
When we first moved in, I had a couple encounters with what could have possibly been a ghost. Nothing terribly scary, just some things that couldn’t be explained. Though I was weirded out, I really didn’t think much about it. I just went on living and unpacking and trying to get things organized.
From day one, there have constantly been unexplained noises. We thought it was just the house getting used to us. We have often heard stomping noises coming from upstairs even when there was no one up there. These little things really didn’t scare us. If it was a ghost, at least it was just hanging out and not causing problems. We were hopeful that we wouldn’t turn into the next Amityville horror.
Though all of these little things were happening, I wasn’t that convinced that it was some sort of ghost. I believed they were just noises. No big deal.
Until one night I got up to go to the bathroom at 4am. We do not have a bathroom on the second floor of the house, so I had to go to the main floor to pee. Again, no big deal. I do this all the time. This time was a little different though. When I made it down stairs, I heard music coming from somewhere. I looked outside to see if anyone had lights on or was blasting music in their car.
I wandered into the kitchen to check the back door. When I got into the kitchen I noticed that the music was getting louder and louder. Like I was getting closer and closer to where the music was coming from. When I made it to the top of my basement stairs, there was no getting around that the music was coming from my house. My basement.
I stood at the top of the stairs for about a minute deciding what to do. I really didn’t want to wake up Leland. I am a tough, hardcore woman and I could handle a little noise. But at the same time, I really didn’t want to be one of those stupid girls in horror flicks who knows she shouldn’t be investigating weird noises by herself but does so anyway.
And ends up getting gutted with a machete.
What’s a girl to do?
I went downstairs.
When I got there, I relaxed. It was just a CD player playing one of Leland’s heavy metal CD’s. I was admittedly a little embarrassed for being so freaked out. It was just a CD player. I laughed at myself and went to turn off the music.
I pressed the stop button and it wouldn’t stop.
I pressed the power button and it wouldn’t turn off.
I went to unplug the damn CD player to find that it wasn’t plugged in.
When I went to take out the batteries I found that there weren’t any.
The music just kept playing and I could not turn the CD player off.
And somehow the CD player was running without any power feeding it.
As fast as I could, I opened the CD player, snatched the CD out of it, ran back upstairs, and got back into bed next to Leland. It was only then that I realized I had never peed and really had to go, but there was no way I was going back downstairs alone.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Hump Day Hangover
If you want to know what this is about click here.
Things have been fairly emotional and depressing over here lately and it's starting to get to me. Though I am a very emotional person, I am still usually happy and upbeat. But it has been a tough month and it was really getting me down. I can't do that anymore. I am tired of being a Debbie Downer.
I still have not heard from my doctor, but I GOT MY PERIOD YESTERDAY.
I was happy and sad at the same time, if that makes any sense.
I am hoping that now that the stress of the fight I had with Leland has passed, as well as the stress of having a late period, that Leland and I can start having some fun between the sheets again. I am sure this isn't a surprise to any of you, but things have been stale in the shagging department all month. We have been trying as much as possible, but it's hard to have sex with someone you're mad at, and just as hard to have sex when you're stressing about a possible unplanned pregnancy. I don't think either of us was really feeling it.
One good thing that came out of all of this is that I really want sex again. Admittedly I was getting sort of tired of spreading my legs all the time. But since we have had sex only 6 times in the last 3 weeks, I am ready for it again. I am ready to be done fighting with my husband. I am ready to throw all the stupidity out the window. I am ready to have sex a million times a day. I just hope Leland is ready to do the same.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
I can't do this today.
I am reading blogs but not commenting because I can't think about anything other than what is going on with my uterus.
I had my doctor appointment yesterday and all that really happened was that I decided I need a new doctor. After waiting for an hour to see her, she didn't even read my chart before entering because she had no idea why I peed in a cup.
And then when I told her I was 15 days late, she said nothing. So I asked for orders for a blood test and got the hell out of there.
I had the blood test this morning and I am still waiting on results. I cannot think of anything else. I think I am going to break down and be an emotional mess no matter what the blood test shows. I want a baby. I have always wanted a baby. And though this doesn't seem like the right time, I still want one. And now that I have decided what I really want, I feel like the test is going to come back negative and I am going to be so upset.
But if the test comes back positive I think I might have a minor stroke. We didn't plan for this. We aren't ready financially, we aren't really ready as a couple. I am so torn and conflicted and realize that I don't have a say in anything that is happening right now. Someone or something else will be making this decision for me.
I'm just tired of waiting. I just want to know what is going on. Until then, I can't do anything except sit at my desk, stare at my computer screen and try like hell to hold back the tears.
Monday, October 25, 2010
And now for Christy's Monday Minute:
1. Have you ever been hospitalized?
Only when I broke my pelvis. Damn rollerblades!
2. What was the last bit of good news you received?
Good news? I am hoping for some good news today. I have a doctor appointment and hopefully my doctor will tell me I am not pregnant and there is nothing wrong with my uterus.
3. Who was your favorite teacher?
Mrs. Grady was my 2nd grade teacher. She was the nicest little old lady and let me sit by my best friend, even though we talked all the time.
4. Do you sing in the shower?
Not really, but I do let out moans of plessure. I love the way the really, really hot water feels after a long day.
5. Describe the happiest day of your life.
I have been blessed with thousands of happy days in my life and picking one would be impossible. Of course my wedding day made me so happy, but Leland and I have happy days together all the time. So I'll tell you about Saturday, which was a very happy day for me.
Being a Polish girl, every year my mom and sisters spend a day making pierogies for the holidays and stock pile the freezer. On Saturday Leland and I went to my mom's house and spent the day making pierogies with my mom and two sisters. We all did a lot of talking and laughing. We drank 2 boxes of wine. We ate a ton of pierogies but have several dozen in the freezer waiting for the holidays. It was the first pierogi day that we have had in years without any fighting or bickering among the sisters. We were all happy, we were all having a good time, we were all enjoying each others company.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Late, Late, Late
He didn’t cheat, but he was a big, big ass.
We spent all last week talking, which was fucking exhausting.
And I could barely let him look at me so having sex was out of the question.
Things are getting better, but they aren’t back to normal. I want to be back to normal, but I can’t get Leland’s words out of my head. I don’t know that they will ever go away, but maybe one day I will be able to move on and not think about them all the time.
As we have slowly been moving forward to being the awesome couple we once were, so many other things have been stressing me out.
Work, for instance, has been a great source of stress. Mark, the lazy warehouse worker has not been showing up to work. So that means I have to work in the warehouse and try and do all of my work as well. In order to get most of the important things finished, I have been going into work early and staying late. It has not been fun.
And when the bosses told Mark that he needed to come into work or he was going to lose his job, Mark then told them that he is an alcoholic. So now Mark is covered by the law and he can’t be fired until a series of actions take place. Which means I am going to have to deal with lazy Mark for quite a while. This does not make me happy.
The biggest thing stressing me out right now is that my period is 11 days late. I have taken multiple pregnancy tests and they all came out negative. I am glad they are all negative, but why am I not getting my period? For the past few days I have had some cramping that usually indicates I will be starting my period, but there still isn’t anything. As badly as I want a baby, this would be a horrible time for me to be pregnant. My heart just isn’t in it right now and I am praying that my uterus agrees with me.
Please, dear friends, send out some positive vibes into the universe so that I get my period soon. I can’t handle all of this stress.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Happy Hump Day!
If you want to know what this is about click here.
Leland and I were in bed last night, definitely not sleeping. Since we have been having a ton of sex, our sex takes on different forms from night to night. Sometimes it’s very mechanical sex. This happens when I am so tired and just want to go to sleep, or when we don’t really have time but we want to add another number to the tally. We just go through the motions and get it done as quickly as possible.
Other times it’s hot and steamy. This usually occurs after we have been having mechanical sex for a few days and we need to feel some passion again. We make it last, change positions and by the time we are done we are both out of breath and covered in sweat. It’s gross but awesome at the same time.
Last night we definitely had silly sex.
Leland was going down on me and for some reason I just couldn’t stop talking. First I was asking questions about True Blood, then I was asking for Leland to put a pillow under my ass. We were laughing about how silly we were being, having random conversations while we were having sex.
And then Leland called me a prima donna, because apparently asking for a pillow meant I thought I was like rockstar who would refuse to perform if I didn’t have a bowl of green M&Ms.
When he was done being down in my business, I was ready for some rough shagging. I was all like, Dude, let’s go. You want to know what he said to me?
I’m not a piece of meat, I need to be romanced.
And then we started laughing again and it was all downhill from there. Through the giggles and the stupid jokes we managed to have some coitus. It was not romantic, it was not hot and steamy, it was not mechanical, but it was definitely FUN.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Your Kiss is on My List
Urban Dictionary describes a metalhead as a fan of heavy metal music, who hates the mainstream and generally does whatever the hell he/she wants and is his/her own person
How to identify a metalhead: long hair, black leather jacket, denim jacket often with patches bearing band logos sown in, tshirt bearing a metal band's name, however, these are not necessary, because true metal lies in the soul.
This desctription matches Leland perfectly. He has long hair, he wears a black leather jacket, and he has approximately 4,354,712 band tshirts. And he also does whatever the hell he wants, like listening to Hall & Oates.
That's right folks. Not only does Leland listen to Hall & Oates, he actually dances to them by himself in the kitchen.
Last night as I was making dinner, Leland went to the computer and started playing Kiss On My List. He was smiling and happy and doing quite possibly the most ridiculous dance moves I have ever seen. When I started laughing at him he said, "hold on, I get to do the backups in a second." And then he started singing the backup vocals. But not just singing, he really meant it. My kiss is on his list.
Or actually, John Oates's kiss his on his list, because when I asked him which guy he would do, he said "Oh, John Oates for sure. I just can't get enough of that 'stache."
Yes, we actually have conversations about what guys Leland would go gay for. And apparently John Oates makes the cut.
For your listening pleasure:
I think the song just asks for people to do ridiculous dance moves.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
No Bones About It
Last winter he found a dead squirrel in our yard. It was a completely intact dead squirrel until Leland got his hands on it. He just needed to add another skull to his collection, so he cut off the squirrel’s head with his pocket knife, sealed the head in a plastic container, and then put the container in our freezer. He wanted to preserve the head until summer came so the flies and maggots could speed up the decomposition process.
Yes, every time I opened my freezer to get some meat or veggies, I had to look at the squirrel head.
When summer came, Leland took the head out of the freezer and hung it in an old bird feeder to feed to the flies. Every day Leland would check out the decomposition progress. But it wasn’t enough for him to be the only one checking out the progress, he constantly needed me to be looking at it too. He was pumped when the eyeballs went missing and needed to show me the empty eye sockets. Often times he would just say “there are a ton of flies on the squirrel head, you need to come see them.”
Needless to say, it was a long process and one that I didn’t particularly enjoy. Though it was slow going, the squirrel head is now just a skull.
Now Leland will be taking it out of the bird feeder and moving it into the house. His collection of dead things is getting to be too big for the small shelf he keeps it on now. I fear that one day he will have an entire display case of dead things and skulls that he will keep in our dining room. We will be the people who have skulls on display in the DINING ROOM. Because who wouldn’t want to eat with skulls staring at them? We will be that couple. You know, the couple you always whisper about for being so damn weird and you wonder why they just can’t be normal.
Oh well, it was bound to happen some day.
I’ll start clearing off the bookcase in the dining room soon.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
It's Not Just About Selling Cookies, It's All About the Life Lessons
Truth be told, I was very active in Girl Scouts even when I wasn’t so young. I was actually a Girl Scout until I was 17. (Don't tell anyone. This is a big secret!)
I loved it. Every single minute of it. The meetings, the badges, even selling cookies. Ok, not selling cookies. But I did it anyway. The only reason I wasn’t a nerd in high school is because no one knew I was still a Girl Scout. I was very good at keeping it a secret. Plus, I was a cheerleader and that helped me cover up my nerdy side. Yes, Leland is tagging a cheerleader and a Girl Scout. What a lucky, lucky man!
But being a Girl Scout helped make me who I am today, and had I quit at the appropriate age like most of the girls I know, I would never have learned many valuable lessons.
For instance, it was because of Girl Scouts that I learned to properly slap someone across the face. I don’t mean a girly, light slap. I mean a full hand, open palm bitch slap. Tiffany was my then best friend and we were fighting about something that I can’t remember all these years later. When she slapped me across the face, my reaction was to slap her back. She looked at me and said, “Wow, that didn’t hurt at all. This is how you do it.”
And then she proceeded to teach me to bitch slap someone, and even let me practice on her. That’s what friends are for, right?
I also learned how to sneak out. When I was 15 I went to Central Mexico with a bunch of other GS’s. We stayed at a GS run facility, and every night we would get locked in our dorms. That didn’t stop my friend Angela and I from noticing there was a bathroom window that didn’t close all the way. We snuck out most nights and then broke into the arts and crafts building to work on whatever projects we felt like doing that night. Yes, GS also taught me the fine art of a B&E. Though I snuck out to do arts and crafts. That's not very hard core AT ALL.
On that same trip, I was introduced to tequila. This was the start of my love/hate relationship with tequila. Like Frank the Tank says in Old School, “once it hits your lips it’s so good.” While in Mexico, I sprained my ankle. The doctor I went to put me in a cast and gave me crutches. It was not easy to get around. So while we were on our day trips, Angela and I would head to a cantina and belly up to the bar while everyone else was out sightseeing. Even in a GS uniform we were both still able to order shot after shot of tequila. It was then that I also experienced my first hangover.
I have never had tequila that good again.
I was just going to include learning to smoke weed from Girl Scouts, but then I remembered I learned how to do that at CHURCH.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
And We're Back -- Hump Day Hangover
If you want to know what this is about click here.
Leland gave me some alarming news and stats today. While I was at work and trying very hard to do my job (not really, but it sounds better than trying not to watch the clock), Leland sent me some texts.
The first one said: We have 165 days left (for the challenge) and 532 times to go. That means starting right now we need to have sex 3.25 times a day every single day to reach our goal.
The second one said: And that means 200 days into our adventure we’ve only had sex 168 times.
So basically what Leland said to me is that we are failing. Miserably. And that we REALLY need to get busy.
I refuse to give up and have this be just one more thing that I say I will do and then never follow through with. I guess I just thought that a year is a long time and catching up wouldn’t be a problem. Thank goddess Leland is a realist and pointed out the facts. It’s not that I don’t want to have sex, believe me, I do. The problem is that there isn’t always time. Or I have my period, or Leland is sick, or we have a weekend long wedding and we are never alone. It has come to the point where we need to make time. We need to stop being so social and just lock ourselves in the house for a few weeks.
When we started so many people thought twice a day was a lot. Now we are looking at at least 3 times a day. Good thing I have been eating a lot of yogurt.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
And Leland has been sporting a very negative attitude lately and it’s driving me bonkers. Yes, I know we have debt. Yes, I know work is sucking. Yes, I know there are a thousand other things going on that he thinks are a big deal. I just choose to not let it all bring me down. I deal with it one thing at a time and do my best to be a positive person. I know Leland isn’t like that. He has never really been a positive person. And now it’s really starting to irk me. I don’t know what to do about it. When I try to cheer him up, he just gets worse and then it brings me down.
Like last night. When we were loading groceries into the back of the Element Leland noticed that a bag of overnight toiletries had leaked a little onto the car. It’s an Element, the flooring is some sort of plastic, it wipes right off. But Leland couldn’t see that. Instead, he saw a huge mess that would take a ton of time to clean. To him it was the biggest deal in the world. I tried to make him laugh and realize how silly he was being, but it only worked for a second because then he was telling me that he was sure the dog had made some sort of mess in the house and he was ALREADY mad at the dog, even though he didn’t even know if the dog was bad yet.
He was just determined to be in a bad mood.
And has hard as I tried, nothing was working. Instead of cheering him up, he just ended up making me feel shitty.
And he is continuing with it today and I don’t know what to do about it.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Dirtbag Moment in History
But enough about that. Today I am featured at Speaking From the Crib. I heart Kelly mucho and am so grateful she gave me the opportunity to tell everyone what a dirtbag I can be. In my defense though, the guy I was a dirtbag to was wearing a sweater vest. And he blew in my ear. Is anyone else throwing up a little just thinking about it? Check it out!
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
What I Have Been Doing Since the Last Time I Posted
1. I ran around a lot without any pants on. Leland and I were camping with some friends and one night I had a bit too much to drink and decided it would be a fabulous idea to go skinny dipping. When I got out of the water I put a tank top on, but for some reason decided to skip the pants. Thank goddess I had a ton of mosquito repellent on or I am sure I would have bug bites all over my ass.
2. I have actually been working while at work. The guy who works in the warehouse has been screwing a ton of stuff up and has basically not been doing his job. So I have been elected to do it for him. On top of my responsibilities I have been doing all of his responsibilities for the last two weeks. When I get home from work I am a very tired girl and can do nothing but sit on the couch in a daze. However, all of the manual labor I have been doing as helped me drop two sizes!
3. I got back on the bike. For the first time since last November and the first time since breaking my pelvis, I got back on the Harley. I was nervous and thought that I forgot how to ride, but it really is like riding a bike. It all came back to me and it felt so good to be riding again!
4. Dealing with drama. When Leland's nephews were visiting at the beginning of July, we took them to band practice at the drummers house. While they were there they spent their time playing video games with the drummer's girlfriend's kids. All was well. Then two weeks after that day, the drummer called Leland saying he and his girlfriend are fairly certain that our nephews stole a Nintendo DS from their house. They haven't seen it since that day.
Not wanting to be the parents who believes that their kids can do nothing wrong, we called Leland's brother and asked him to look into it. The kids weren't with us anymore so there was really very little that we could do. Stealing just didn't seem like something the nephews would do, but we wanted to at least check. When Leland's brother said he searched the kid's room and didn't find the DS, we weren't surprised. However, when we told the drummer that the boys didn't have it, he suggested that they sold it for money. We reminded them that the boys are children, that they don't have access to a post office to mail something, that they are on summer break and don't have friends that they play with at home other than each other. Selling it seemed like a pretty far stretch.
The girlfriend was being very bitchy and accusatory about the whole thing and Leland and I really didn't know how to handle the situation. We don't have kids, we have never been in this situation before. Things were starting to get tense when some Facebook messages started going back and forth (the drummer initiated the FB messaging, emailing and FB is way to passive for Leland and I, we both would have preferred talking) and I was getting really irritated. There was nothing more that we could do. The boys live in Louisiana.
Then finally yesterday Leland got a FB message saying that the drummer found the DS sitting next to his computer. It was there the whole time. No one stole it. No one sold it for money. And no one apologized for treating us badly or accusing the nephews of stealing. But that is probably too much to ask.
5. Watching bad Channing Tatum movies. For some unknown reason, Leland and I watched the last 30 minutes of Step Up some time this weekend. It was horrible and cheesy and made me realize that Channing Tatum really is a bad actor. Yes, I know this was one of his first movies, but he sucked just as badly in G.I. Joe. I haven't seen any of his movies after G.I. Joe because I don't think I can sit through any more of his cheesiness. It is just too much for me. Yes, he is easy on the eyes, but listening to him repeat the crappy dialogue is just too much for me. This being said, I think I am going to get a copy of Teen Beat magazine and add his picture to my wall. Like I said, he is fun to look at and he is a cheesy actor, so he sounds like a perfect fit for my living room wall.
What have you been up to in the past 2 weeks?
I hope you have all been doing well!
Friday, July 30, 2010
Feel Good Friday
I have a lot of friends. Some of them are scattered around the country, some of them live close. Most of them are guys. Though I am usually always surrounded by people, I only have one girlfriend who lives nearby. Rachel is over at least 2 nights each week. She is a fixture in my house. She is a member of my wolf pack. When I broke my pelvis she sat with me on every one of her days off of work. We have boxed wine nights together which consist of us drinking an entire box of wine, getting shit faced and telling funny stories. She comes over every Sunday for True Blood nights. Yeah, she drives me nuts sometimes, but I love her and am so happy to have her in my life.
On June 1st Rachel left for a three month trip to Greece.
For this whole summer I have been without my sidekick. We were the Gruesome Twosome, the Dynamic Duo. She was always there to get me out of a jam. And for the past two months I’ve had to go it alone.
This doesn’t sound very feel good, does it? Just wait….
Occasionally I would get a mass email she sent to everyone updating people on her whereabouts and adventures. Every once in a while I would get a quick message on FB saying something generic like “miss you!” I didn’t really feel jilted because I know she is an ocean away, but I was sure she didn’t miss me as much as I miss her.
And then yesterday I got an email from her. She needed my advice on something so I sent a reply. This morning I got this back from her:
You are truly my BFF, life partner, and person,
Thank you so much for everything that you said. I needed it so much and I miss you more than you know. And it is the same for me, every time that I get something from you it makes me want to cry (but I don't because I'm like that and always in public) I miss you guys sooooo much. And you had better keep all of the True Blood episodes because I NEED to see them! LOL, and the boxed wine night will be right off the bat! I will have to stop by when I get back in the states! Count on it!
All my love,
See? She does miss me as much as I miss her. And that makes me feel good. It’s good to be missed.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Kirk and Corey, Together Forever
Siren gave me some names of people she wanted me to invite and as I was going over the list I saw that two very important names were missing.
Kirk Cameron and Corey Haim.
I knew we couldn’t have an 80’s party without those honored guests. They just had to be there.
Ebay to the rescue. In just a few minutes I was able to purchase old posters of Kirk and Corey. When the night of the party came, Kirk and Corey were taped up in my living room above the couch.
It is nearly 8 months later and Kirk and Corey are still on the wall in my living room. It just has never occurred to me that I should take them down. They have been the most amazing conversation piece ever and I don’t think I can part with them. In fact, I think I need to add to my collection. Kirk and Corey have been hanging out there for so long that I think they need some new company. I have been considering adding Jonathan Taylor Thomas (JTT as he was known when I was young), and Rider Strong from Boy Meets World. Who else do you think I should add to my collection of childhood heartthrobs that adorns my wall?
For those of you who are interested/wondering/concerned, I will return with regularly scheduled Hump Day Hangover posts next week. I have not forgotten and have not given up, there just haven’t been many awesome stories to post. But I going camping this weekend for 4 days and I am sure that having sex while camping and being dirty, smelly and covered in mosquito repellant will yield some funny events.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Monday Minute with Kmama and Ian
1. Who is your "what-if" person?
Dave. Friends since 4th grade, Dave was my first love. We were super tight, always there for each other, shared a locker in high school, always had each other's backs. But it seemed the only time he wanted me was when I was in a relationship with someone else. A few months after Leland and I moved in together he asked me to leave Leland and be with him. When I told Leland this all he said was "can you blame him? You're awesome." A month before Leland and I got married Dave and I were slow dancing at another friend's wedding. He told me I was the most beautiful person in the room, he said he loved me and he has always loved me...then he asked me not to get married. I gave him a hug, a kiss on the cheek, and then left to find Leland and go home. Of course I married Leland. There was never any question. When I told Leland what happened he said that he felt sorry for him, but was happy for himself because I was making him the luckiest man in the world. Dave and I are still friends. Leland still likes Dave. But sometimes I wonder what things would have been like if Dave wanted me when I was single and in love with him.
2. What is your nickname?
Well, my name is Alyson but people rarely call me that. I hear Al and Aly more than anything, Leland and Siren call me Alycakes or just Cakes, and sometimes Leland calls me Sweet Pea or Asbestos. Yes, that's right, my husband's nickname for me is a poisonous chemical. That's ok, I sometimes call him Fungi.
3. If you could choose how you died, how would you like to die?
When I am really old, sleeping in Leland's arms.
4. If you could have named yourself, which name would you have picked?
I have no idea. I think I make a very good Al.
5. Who were you named after or for what reason did your parents choose your name?
My middle name is Louise. After my grandmother.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Medical Advice From Leland
Leland used an anti-bac cream first. When it wasn’t really helping the itching, I suggested he use the cream that I used for my yeast infection. You see, yeast is a bacteria and I figured that if the rash was caused by some sort of bacteria then the yeast infection cream might be able to help. He alternated between the yeast cream and the anti-bac cream all day, neither of them really helping him at all.
While we were swimming in the lake we were discussing other options. (Yes, I know that water is not good for rashes, but like I said, we weren't going to let the rash ruin our good time). Leland hates seeing doctors, so he wanted to try and treat the rash by himself for 48 hours. But we had to face facts, the creams we brought weren’t working and he needed some relief. So I did what any wife would do.
I peed on him.
Yes, you read that right, I peed on my husband.
Leland once read that Madonna pees on her feet every once in a while to help fight infection and bacteria. Since he read that article years ago, he has been peeing on his feet about once a week. A year ago a friend came to him with a small problem. The friend had a weird rash thingy on his feet and he wanted Leland’s expert medical advice. (Really, skip googling your ailment and just come to Leland. He can totally help you out). Leland told him to pee on it. So his crazy friend obeyed and his rash was gone two days later. Now this friend pees on his feet once a week as well. It seems Leland is converting people.
So naturally Leland would think urine is the answer to the strange rash on his chest. The problem was that he couldn’t pee on it himself. He needed me to do it for him.
As we were swimming in the lake and having a great time people watching, we were considering how we were going to do it. The idea of squatting over him just wasn’t all that appealing. And ladies, we all know that we usually don’t pee in one nice stream, so I was concerned about pee going in his eyes, up his nose or in his mouth. Squatting wasn’t going to cut it. We eventually decided that I would pee in a cup and then pour it over the rash. So that’s what we did.
It wasn’t until much later that night that I realized I didn’t need to be involved at all. Why did I pee in a cup when he could have peed in a cup himself? And did I really need to pour the pee on him in the shower? It seems to me that he could have done it himself. But I did think it was a good idea in the first place, so obviously I wasn’t thinking clearly at all.
p.s. The urine didn’t help. It turns out the strange rash was shingles. It’s a good thing he only waited 48 hours before going to the doctor. And yes, Leland told the doctor everything he put on the outbreak.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
It's Wednesday Home Peeps!
If you want to know what this is about click here.
When Leland and I first embarked on this journey, many of you told me to have fun having sex now, because it becomes so much harder once we have kids. For the past week I have been getting a tiny little taste of what everyone meant.
Leland’s nephews are visiting with us this week. Which is why I haven’t been around at all this past week. They arrived last Wednesday and will be staying until Saturday. Since they have been with us we have only had sex 3 times.
I don’t know how people do it. Maintaining a sex life while there are kids around is so tricky. Maybe it just takes practice. There has been no sex in the middle of the day. There has been no sex in the shower or on the couch. The only time we can do it is at night after the boys are sleeping. And by that time there is a good possibility that Leland and I are sleeping as well.
I don’t know how parents do it. And by “do it,” I mean DO IT.
Really. It is so hard.
Well, actually, IT isn’t HARD at all. Having the boys around has totally deflated Leland’s hard-on. And, if I am being completely honest, it has deflated mine as well. Though I want to have sex, right now it isn’t nearly as important as getting sleep.
Oh sleep. It has been a week since you and I have been close. Please come back to me?
There have been several nights when I have literally begged Leland to have sex with me. By the way, has anyone been keeping track of how much I have had to beg Leland to have sex with me? This is getting out of hand! But anyway, he just couldn’t do it. He has been too worried that the boys would walk in and catch us or that they might hear the tiniest sound coming from our room.
The 3 times we have done it, it has been quite, quick and efficient. And we did it in the dark for the first time EVER. In 8 years, we have never had sex in the dark before this past week. I definitely enjoyed it. It was just new and different and made me feel very sexy.
The boys leave at lunchtime on Saturday. You better believe Leland and I have nothing to do on Sunday but make up for time lost this past week.
p.s. You all know Leland reads this blog, so please don't make any comments about how you never have sex now that you have kids. If Leland reads that, he just may decide to never get me pregnant for fear of losing the nookie. You would be surprised how many times he says "someone left a comment on your blog saying....."
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
It's Hump Day and You Know What That Means!
If you want to know what this is about click here.
Remember last week when I told you all I was turning into a guy? Well, let’s not forget that my partner in life and in the sack is a guy. Which means he is never having enough sex. Leland is getting more nookie than any other man I know and he will still complain that he isn’t getting enough.
Not only has this project turned me into a sex craving monster, this project as turned Leland into a beast. AN ACTUAL BEAST. He has started snarling and growling at me in bed, and when we aren’t having sex he’ll snarl and growl at me to let me know he wants some. Sometimes he’ll even howl.
I thought for sure that this project would satisfy him, but apparently that isn’t the case. Instead of wanting it less, or being happy with what he is getting, he simply wants it MORE. Much, much more. Remember all of those random boners I told you that Leland gets? Well, they did subside when I had my injury, but that was only because Leland was too worried about me to think about sex. Now that I am better, the random boners are back with a vengeance. I simply cannot keep up. His inner beast has completely taken over.
At least Leland is a beast-man. Being a beast-man is infinitely cooler than just being a beast.
Now if only I could get him to let out a big scary growl and rip his shirt off before pouncing on me….that would be a hot way to start a romp in the hay.
Monday, June 28, 2010
A Shorty Update
Having been dealt a horrible hand in his short little life, so many of you helped Leland and I come to his rescue. We raised nearly $900 for his hip surgery. Because of all of you awesome bloggers out there, random friends and family, and some people I have never met before, Shorty was given a second chance.
When we first put him in our car and took him along with us for a ride, he was a quiet, cuddly dog. Though he was playful, he couldn't really do that much playing with a bum hip. After his surgery, everything changed. Though at first he looked like this after the surgery:
he bounced back quickly and was soon running all over the place. Our friend Joe, who has given him a permanent home, picked him up a few days after the surgery. At first Shorty was going to stay with us until his stitches were removed, but it ended up working out for the better that Joe took him when he did. You see, a few days after the surgery was when I broke my pelvis. There was no way Leland was going to be able to handle taking care of two of us who needed constant care!
Shorty LOVES Joe and loves playing and getting into trouble. Now that he is feeling so much better, he has WAY more attitude than he did when we found him. Joe is having fun with him, and I am sure Shorty is having fun with Joe. They have become best buddies. A few weeks ago Leland and I went to Joe's place to visit with him and Shorty. At one point Leland and Joe left to pick up some beer and I was left there with Shorty. Shorty sat and looked out the back sliding glass door the ENTIRE TIME Joe was gone. As soon as he saw Joe pull his truck into the driveway, he starting wagging and whining. He just could not wait to see Joe again.
The doctor says that Shorty is healing well, his muscle is developing at a good rate, and he is basically as good as new. Thank you so much to all of you who helped make this possible. It means more to me than you could ever know.
And I know it means a lot to Shorty.
Check out this post for all of the details on Shorty.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
HDH - Better Late Than Never
If you want to know what this is about click here.
This has been a very long week. My vagina is still irritated and slightly infected so there has been no nookie going on in my life right now. Before this challenge started, going a week without sex would have been fine with me. But now things have changed.
I have turned into a guy.
Now that I am not having sex, all I think about is SEX.
Now that I am not having sex, I am soooooo incredibly moody.
Now that I am not having sex, I literally pout ALL THE TIME.
I am not a fun person right now. My friends are tired of listening to me complain. At first I am sure some of them were glad we had to take another forced break because then they didn't have to listen to me tell them all of our sex stories, but by now I am sure they want me to start getting some again so I can stop whining about needing to get off.
And since I am infected all over my vagina, masturbation isn't really an option either. So instead of having sex I just sit around an mope. Literally. Last night I couldn't think about anything other than having sex and it kept me from doing ANYTHING. I sat on the couch all night just feeling sorry for myself and infected lady parts.
Have you noticed the ticker has moved up only ONCE since I posted about the vag issues? I am so mopey that I don't even want to give blowies. The ticker moved faster when I had my broken pelvis. What the hell is wrong with me? All of the roadblocks are starting to bring me down.
I can't let that happen. There is no more time to spare.
I need to pick myself up, brush myself off and get back on that horse.
Or I might start acting crazy like walking in circles and talking to myself. I might even develop a weird twitch.
Monday, June 21, 2010
That's Not a Fish, That's a Goldfish Cracker
This time, my weekend was WAY TOO AWESOME to even think about what I was going to post yesterday. I spent Friday night, Saturday and Sunday enjoying the weather and making every moment of the summer count.
To recap, because I know you all are DYING to know:
Friday night: We had some awesome thunderstorms rolling through my town, so Leland and I, along with some very good friends of ours Double C and Zizzo, sat in our garage and watched the lightning shoot across the sky. For a good half hour the lightning and thunder was right on top of us which gave us an amazing show to watch.
Saturday: We woke up early because I was supposed to watch my nephew participate in a fun run at our local park. However, even though I got there before the start of the race, I still wasn't allowed in. So I went home, picked up Leland, and we went fishing with Double C and Zizzo.
We have taken Bacchus fishing with us several times, and USUALLY he is super calm and just hangs out. This time was different. During the very first cast of the morning, Bacchus jumped into the creek and chased after the line. Even though we were all yelling at him to come to shore, he got caught in the strong current and was taken downstream.
I started running along the bank of the creek to try and catch up with him. Why I thought it was a good idea for ME to run along a rocky and uneven creek bank, I have no idea. I am sure you all know where this is going.
Because I was very worried about my dog, I wasn't really paying attention to where my feet were landing. So OF COURSE my right foot lands in a mud hole and the entire right side of my body goes down along with it. Because that is the kind of thing that happens to me. But don't worry. Other than losing my shoe and my cell phone to the mud hole, I am just fine.
And of course Bacchus came back to us JUST AFTER I fell down.
I spent the rest of the morning fishing barefoot and having a great time with my friends. When we were tired of not catching anything, we decided to go swimming. We packed everything up and then spent the next 5 hours swimming at another friend's house. We drank a lot of beer, played some pool noodle baseball and we all got sunburned. We capped the night off with a bonfire.
Sunday: Leland and I bought my dad a fishing license for Father's Day, so we spent the morning checking out some local fishing spots with my dad. It was another HOT and sunny day but we loaded on the sunscreen and enjoyed fishing with my dad. We caught some little blue gills that we tossed back but had a good time fishing nonetheless. This time we kept Bacchus on a leash so he couldn't chase after the lines. The leash was long enough for him to get in the water to cool off, but he wasn't able to go far into the lake. Maybe it was his splashing around the shore that kept us from catching fish.
Our weekend came to an end with a dinner at my parent's house and then watching True Blood. Now it is Tuesday and I am at work, daydreaming about hooking a worm and casting a line.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Another TMI Post--I Know You Love These!
(Yes, this is a warning. If you do not want to know about what is going on with my vagina, stop reading now).
A few days ago, after my period had stopped, I couldn't help but notice I was having an excessive amount of clear discharge. There was so much discharge that it was like I was peeing my pants every hour. As hard as I tried to keep myself clean and dry, I was losing the battle. My nether regions were a mess. No stranger to yeast infections, I knew something was wrong. But it didn't seem like I had a yeast infection. The symptoms were different than what I am used to.
So I call the doctor and made an appointment.
I see the nurse practitioner, and after the whole Alyson-has-a-ripped-vagina fiasco, I became super comfortable with her and talk to her the way I talk to all of you: like she is my best friend and REALLY WANTS to know every detail of my life.
First she asks if I have any pelvic pain. "Well actually...", I said, and then launched into the details of the last 8 weeks.
Then she asks what has changed in my life that could have caused the issues.
She asked if I have a new partner. Nope that's not it.
She asked if I have been using new condoms. That's not it either.
She asked if I have been on any medications. Sorry, nothings different.
It wasn't until my feet were in the stirrups and I was scootching my vagina closer to her that I FINALLY realized what was different.
"Oh yeah! I know what's different! I have been having an insane amount of sex lately!"
"Define insane," she said.
So of course I had to tell her about the challenge.
She didn't quite know what to say. So I told her how it is making my relationship with Leland better. I told her how we are using sex as exercise. I told her that I am writing a book about it.
"Those are all good reasons to have a lot of sex, but there is one reason why you shouldn't be having that much sex," she said. "The womam's body wasn't built to have that much sex."
Unlike men, women have problems. Having sex can lead to UTI's, bladder infections, yeast infections, bacterial infections....
Men have it easy. They just pull their pole out and do the deed. Women have to deal with all the issues. My doctor said that if I want to TRY to avoid problems in the future, that I need to take a shower immediately after each time I have sex. And I have to make sure I pee immediately after each time I have sex. The whole rolling over and going to sleep thing is not an option for me anymore.
So I left the doctor learning that I have a bacterial infection inside my vagina, and a yeast infection on the outside that has actually spread to my butthole. That's right people. I have a yeast infection on my butthole.
And Leland thought he was done taking care of me! What a fool. Now he has to put ointment all over my area twice a day. I know he looks forward to it. I mean, why would he not? I get to put my yeast infection parts up in his face for him to take care of. He is such a lucky man.
Even all of this has not made me change my mind about going for the challenge. If anything, I am more determined than ever. Besides, this is all great material for the book!
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
HDH 17 - A Guest Blogger
If you want to know what this is about click here.
Tracie from Stir Fry Awesomeness is hanging out today. I know most of you know her and that makes me happy because she is fansmashingtastic. She never fails to make me laugh and since she thinks sarcasm is an art form, I must say she is quite the artist. Please read and enjoy!
*Before you read this post please be aware that in my neck of the woods we don't pronounce the "L" sound in caulk. This will be much more amusing if you do the same whilst reading.*
You know that my husband is too busy working to do manual labor. Therefore, I have had all manner of skilled (and unskilled) tradesmen sprucing up Casa de la Awesome.
I could do a series of posts on each one as they were all “characters”. (Remember the weirdo magnet?) And most of them have been talkers. (Like my kids on crack.)
Gary The Painter was no exception. He was hired to paint the downstairs bathroom, the stairway and half of the family room.
“Why only half of the family room?” the curious reader might ask.
Because Hubs started to paint it 2 years ago and he never finished. Six months of nagging and nookie were required for the first half to get done.
Gary had more issues than the New Yorker. One of them was his troubled love life. According to Gary, the women he met were only interested in money and sex.
(Could they have been hookers?)
Anyho, the entire time Gary painted he talked to me. It didn't matter if I was upstairs and he was downstairs, he continued his little therapy session.
(Perhaps HE should have paid ME?)
Eventually Gary deduced that Casa de la Notso Awesome needed many, many repairs and that Hubs was never going to do them. Then he became even more friendly and enthusiastic about his job.
First, Gary tried to convince me that he and a buddy could do the master bathroom re-model because he knew how to put up drywall.
(I was fairly certain that there was more to a bathroom remodel than drywall. But thanks, anyway.)
So Gary fell back on his forte - painting. He tried to talk me into hiring him to repaint all the trim and molding in the house. He was racing around pointing out all the imperfections and improper techniques that had been used.
Gary’s biggest pet peeve?
Here are some direct quotes from him:
“See here. This shoulda had some caulk on it right off the bat.”
“Look at this. The caulk’s not wide enough.”
“There are different sizes of caulk. You have to have the right size for each area.”
“Caulk comes in different colors, too.”
Are you saying "That’s What She Said" after each of these?
In the end, Gary was a lousy painter. So I sent him on his way after the original job was completed.
But he did leave me with some parting words of wisdom which I feel compelled to pass along to all my bloggy buddies. Consider it my gift to the Blogosphere.
"Always remember, wherever there’s a crack, you need caulk."
Monday, June 14, 2010
Well, we had some plans, but nothing that required us to leave our house.
For the most part, we just sat around all weekend. Saturday morning we took a bike ride, but I was only able to last for about a half hour because I am still rebuilding muscle in my right leg. We were home by 10:30 and after that we sat around, had some sex and then watched a ton of episodes of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. We were uber lazy.
Sunday was the same way. Other than taking a walk to my parents house, which was 1.35 miles, we didn't do anything else except watch some It's Always Sunny episodes and watch True Blood. We spent most of the weekend just hanging out with each other.
Though we were really looking forward to the weekend so we could relax and just spend time with each other, it felt a little weird. We usually don't spend so much time inside, but the rain didn't really allow us to do anything else. We don't usually have so much one on one time, and though it was great, it still felt weird not to see other people on the weekend. And though I feel so well rested and didn't screw up my sleeping pattern, I still feel a little underwhelmed by the weekend.
Summer is short and Leland and I want to take advantage of every minute possible. I think I just need to remember that if I am going to enjoy the summer, I still need to be well rested and have time to relax. It was just weird relaxing that much. It's been awhile since either one of us have been able to do that. I guess it'll just take some getting used to.
Speaking of True Blood, did anyone see the season premiere last night? There were quite a few funny parts. I cannot wait to see what unfolds this season. The vampires of True Blood are infinitely cooler than other vampires that are on TV or in movies right now. If you are on a vampire kick, you should check it out.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Great for Groceries, Beach Items, or Even Human Heads
A few days later, this came in the mail for me.
The bag I got was green, and of course my name isn't Jennifer, but you get the idea....
I got a lovely green tote bag that was embroidered with the name Yankee Girl on it. When I first saw it online, I thought it was cute, but wasn’t really in love with it. But then it showed up on my doorstep and I was giddy with delight. You see, this tote bag is WAY COOLER in person. The colors are so bright and the bag is at least twice as big as I expected it to be. When Leland saw it, the first thing he said was “you can fit at least four human heads in that bag!”
Yes. Leland measures bags by how many human heads he can fit in it.
If you don't want to carry heads in your bag, it would make a great beach bag. It's canvas, so sand will be easy to remove. And you'll be less likely to mix it up with a strangers bag since it has your name on it.
Eager to show off my new bag, I used it when we went to my parent’s house for dinner. We had a ton of things to bring back to them, like empty wine bottles (my dad makes his own wine so we always reuse the bottles), a bowl that belonged to my mom that had just parked itself on my kitchen counter for weeks, and an appetizer that we brought over. The bag was HEAVY.
But the bag didn’t care. It didn’t feel the pressure at all. It stayed calm and cool and just carried the heavy load without complaining. The thick rope handles didn’t even buckle. The bottom didn’t look like it was going to fall out. Not only is the bag super cute and has room for four human heads, it is strong and sturdy and can carry a lot of weight.
So leave it in your car and use it when you are grocery shopping. You can pack a ton of groceries into the bag. Using the Tote Bag is a great way to go green.
Monday, June 7, 2010
June 7, 1981
I am going out for sushi in a few minutes and then will come home and have at least one glass of wine.
I could write a long, overly emotional post about what getting older means, but instead I am going to keep it short. I am 29. I have one more year of being in my 20's and I have every intention of making this next year to be as awesome as possible.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
HDH - 15
If you want to know what this is about click here.
Last week Leland and I had a lot of really bad sex.
Let me back up.
Last week Leland and I were crazy busy. After working all day, we would come home and work til about 9 around the house. After that we would shower and go to bed. He still had energy to do whatever he wanted, but I was very sore every single night, so when I got into bed I just wanted to go to sleep. Seeing that I wasn't satifying Leland's needs, I decided it would be a good idea to put out. And since it had been days since we had done it, I figured it was about time we got back into the swing of things.
So instead of going to sleep after my shower, I laid on the bed naked, waiting for Leland to finish his shower. As soon as he saw me naked he knew exactly what was going to happen. The problem is we just couldn't figure out how to do it. My pelvis hurt too much to be on top. I was so sore that even spreading my legs was difficult. We tried to 69 but that wasn't working either. Missionary was out of the question because I was too sore to try and lift my pelvis up. So we fumbled around for a while, trying to make it happen. Eventually we realized it wasn't going to happen so I gave Leland a blowie and called it a night. Even giving a blowie was problematic.
When it was over, we laid next to each other, not saying anything. I knew he was thinking the same thing I was, which was I AM SICK AND TIRED OF HAVING BAD SEX! After laying in silence for quite a long time, Leland asked what I was thinking. So I told him. And then he agreed. We didn't have sex for five days after that.
Don't worry though, we had sex 8 times on Monday and every time was great.
Monday, May 31, 2010
SAGE, LELAND CHARLES COOK
Name: Leland Charles Cook Sage
Rank/Branch: Lieutenant/US Navy
Unit: Attack Squadron 144
USS Bon Homme Richard (CVA-31)
Date of Birth: 23 December 1943 (Chicago, IL)
Home of Record: Waukegan, IL
Date of Loss: 23 June 1969
Country of Loss: Laos
Loss Coordinates: 171759N 1054359E (WE779127)
Click coordinates to view maps
Status in 1973: Killed/Body Not Recovered
Aircraft/Vehicle/Ground: A4E "Skyhawk
Other Personnel in Incident: (none missing)
SYNOPSIS: The Douglas A4 Skyhawk was a single-seat light attack jet flown by both land-based and carrier squadrons, and was the US Navy's standard light attack aircraft at the outset of the war. It was the only carrier-based aircraft that did not have folding wings as well as the only one which required a ladder for the pilot to enter/exit the cockpit. The Skyhawk was used to fly a wide range of missions throughout Southeast Asia including close air support to American troops on the ground in South Vietnam. Flying from a carrier was dangerous and as many aircraft were lost in "operational incidents" as in combat.
On 23 June 1969, Lt. Leland C. C. Sage, pilot; launched from the deck of the USS Bon Homme Richard in a flight of A4E aircraft on a night combat mission against enemy activity in the rugged, jungle covered mountains approximately 7 miles northwest of Ban Thapachon and 21 miles southwest of the Lao/North Vietnamese border, Khammouan Province, Laos.
This area of eastern Laos was considered a major artery of the infamous Ho Chi Minh Trail. When North Vietnam began to increase its military strength in South Vietnam, NVA and Viet Cong troops again intruded on neutral Laos for sanctuary, as the Viet Minh had done during the war with the French some years before. This border road was used by the Communists to transport weapons, supplies and troops from North Vietnam into South Vietnam, and was frequently no more than a path cut through the jungle covered mountains. US forces used all assets available to them to stop this flow of men and supplies from moving south into the war zone.
Once the flight arrived in the mission area, Lt. Sage contacted the on site Forward Air Controller (FAC) for target assignment. The flight was cleared in to attack an enemy target and, after rolling in over his target, Leland Sage's aircraft was observed to impact the ground and explode. No rocket explosion from the ejection seat was seen, nor any other evidence of ejection. It was believed that the verified anti-aircraft artillery (AAA) fire directed at the Skyhawks was the cause of the aircraft loss. Aerial search and rescue (SAR) efforts were immediately initiated, but no further communication could be established with the downed pilot. The intense enemy activity in the area precluded a ground search of the area for Leland Sage. At the time search efforts were terminated, Leland Sage was listed Killed in Action/Body Not Recovered.
Lt. Sage is among nearly 600 Americans who disappeared in Laos. Many of these men were known to be alive on the ground. The Laotians admitted holding "tens of tens" of American Prisoners of War, but these men were never negotiated for either by direct negotiation between our countries or through the Paris Peace Accords which ended the War in Vietnam since Laos was not a party to that agreement.
While the Navy believed Leland Sage died in the crash of his Skyhawk, he has the right to have his remains returned to his family, friend and country. For other Americans who remain unaccounted for in Southeast Asia, their fate could be quite different.
Since the end of the Vietnam War well over 21,000 reports of American prisoners, missing and otherwise unaccounted for have been received by our government. Many of these reports document LIVE American Prisoners of War remaining captive throughout Southeast Asia TODAY.
American military men in Vietnam and Laos were call upon to fly and fight in many dangerous circumstances, and they were prepared to be wounded, killed or captured. It Probably never occurred to them that they could be abandoned by the country they so proudly served.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
HDH - 14
If you want to know what this is about click here.
When Leland and I bought our house 5 years ago, the home inspector told us that the existing central A/C unit worked just fine. A few days after we moved in the temperature hit over 90 degrees. No worries, we thought, we’ll just turn on the super convenient central air. It only took us an hour to realize that it wasn’t working. After calling someone to come and look at it, we got a quote for nearly $4000.00 to have it fixed. Apparently it wasn’t just broken, it was shot. There would be no saving it.
So we haven’t replaced it. For the past 5 summers we have sweltered in the heat, taken cold showers and brought ice cubes to bed. Naturally though, we were WAY too hot to even think about touching each other. When it was over 85 degrees sex was something that we never even considered. Now we just can’t afford to not be having sex.
We just installed a window A/C unit in our bedroom. Now we can actually sleep without waking up covered in our sweat. AND it is actually possible to do other things in our bed aside from sleeping. Like shagging. Lots and lots of shagging. Since the rest of the house is hotter than ever, I expect that we will want to spend a lot of time in our bedroom. And you all know what that means.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Summer has come to Chicago and we have been having 90 degree days. The sun is shining and all I want to do is go to a beach and swim. But instead Leland and I have been doing yard/house work. We spent last weekend powerwashing and sealing our deck. Usually we put off all house/yard work until the last possible minute, but we have been trying to change that. So we decided to do the deck work when it was a million degrees outside. Now that it is all done, the deck looks great.
My pelvis is feeling great and I almost have no pain whatsoever. Occassionally I'll get a little sore near the end of the day, but for the most part I am walking normally, can do some lower body exercises, and can go up and down stairs without any pain. This makes me all kinds of happy. Now that I am nearly back to normal I am working on being a productive human being again. My goal is to do one thing every day that makes me feel good about myself. Yesterday I did house work, and though I don't like it, I was glad to be able to help Leland around the house again. Today I plan on doing some more house work and also do some writing. Hopefully all of the little things will help to make a big difference in my attitude. Because I am a happy person. And even though I am surrounded by miserable people while I am at work, I really don't want to join their club.