Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Want World Peace, Ladies? It's In Our Hands

Last night I was out to dinner with Leland and our friend Joe to celebrate Joe’s birthday. We were at our favorite Mexican place, drinking margaritas and Dos Equis Ambar, and Leland and Joe were having conversations that are very typical of them.

They talked about:
* Skullfucking
* How far is too far to walk to a bar (they decided when they are sober walking is a bad idea, but when they are drunk it’s the best idea in the world)
* Crazy ex-girlfriends
* Personality disorders (they were trying to decide which personality our friend’s girlfriend brought to the bar on Saturday night)
* Ninjas
* Girl Scouts (I was ok with the conversation until Joe inquired about what kinds of badges Girl Scouts earned. Laundry badges? He asked. This isn’t the first time I have wanted to bash his head into a table and he knows it)

Since I have known Leland and Joe for the same amount of time I am used to their foolish banter. Most of the time I don’t even hear them when they are talking. But something they said last night caught my attention. They have a solution to bring world peace.

That’s right people. My husband, honest-to-a-fault Leland, has the answer.

His answer? Girl-on-girl action and female nudity.

He believes that if women walked around topless and/or naked, men would stop fighting with each other. In Leland’s mind, if women were making out on street corners, men would be way too distracted to fight wars. His answer to bring peace in the Middle East? Only allow Lipstick Lesbians to join the military. Men will be too elated by all the girl love to remember what they are fighting for.

Want to end terrorism? Send in some naked chicks. Afghan men will be too busy trying to cover them up to plot terror attacks.

School shootings? Topless hot female teachers.

According to Leland, there is nothing that cannot be solved by naked women.

Proof that women have more power than we even realize.

Monday, October 26, 2009

A Halloween Haunt

In the spirit of Halloween and all things spooky, I thought I would tell you all a ghost story.

Leland and I live in a house that was built in the 30’s. It was once a private residence, a nursing home, and then a private residence again that was also a drug house. We figured it would have some sort of interesting history, but since we haven’t done any research, all we know about the house we heard from the neighbors. Other than it being a drug house, none of the history was really bad. Just normal old house stuff.

When we first moved in, I had a couple encounters with what could have possibly been a ghost. Nothing terribly scary, just some things that couldn’t be explained. Though I was weirded out, I really didn’t think much about it. I just went on living and unpacking and trying to get things organized.

From day one, there have constantly been unexplained noises. We thought it was just the house getting used to us. We have often heard stomping noises coming from upstairs even when there was no one up there. These little things really didn’t scare us. If it was a ghost, at least it was just hanging out and not causing problems. We were hopeful that we wouldn’t turn into the next Amityville horror.

Though all of these little things were happening, I wasn’t that convinced that it was some sort of ghost. I believed they were just noises. No big deal.

Until one night I got up to go to the bathroom at 4am. We do not have a bathroom on the second floor of the house, so I had to go to the main floor to pee. Again, no big deal. I do this all the time. This time was a little different though. When I made it down stairs, I heard music coming from somewhere. I looked outside to see if anyone had lights on or was blasting music in their car.


I wandered into the kitchen to check the back door. When I got into the kitchen I noticed that the music was getting louder and louder. Like I was getting closer and closer to where the music was coming from. When I made it to the top of my basement stairs, there was no getting around that the music was coming from my house. My basement.

I stood at the top of the stairs for about a minute deciding what to do. I really didn’t want to wake up Leland. I am a tough, hardcore woman and I could handle a little noise. But at the same time, I really didn’t want to be one of those stupid girls in horror flicks who knows she shouldn’t be investigating weird noises by herself but does so anyway.

And ends up getting gutted with a machete.

What’s a girl to do?

I went downstairs.

When I got there, I relaxed. It was just a CD player playing one of Leland’s heavy metal CD’s. I was admittedly a little embarrassed for being so freaked out. It was just a CD player. I laughed at myself and went to turn off the music.

I pressed the stop button and it wouldn’t stop.

I pressed the power button and it wouldn’t turn off.

I went to unplug the damn CD player to find that it wasn’t plugged in.

When I went to take out the batteries I found that there weren’t any.

The music just kept playing and I could not turn the CD player off.

And somehow the CD player was running without any power feeding it.

As fast as I could, I opened the CD player, snatched the CD out of it, ran back upstairs, and got back into bed next to Leland. It was only then that I realized I had never peed and really had to go, but there was no way I was going back downstairs alone.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Raw and Honest

Two weeks ago Siren came to visit and took me to several doctors appointments. I had multiple blood tests done, and listened as each doctor told me that everything came back normal. Medically speaking, there is nothing wrong with me.

Then I visited with a natural health specialist who pretty much slapped me in the face. He told me that I have no energy, am not sleeping well, have dry skin, am experiencing hair loss, along with all of my other symptoms all because I am overweight. Actually, I am considered obese.

That is a hard pill to swallow.

I did this to myself.

I have been gaining weight for the past 4 years, and for some reason, I never did anything about it. I would try to lose weight by eating right and going to the gym, but after a few weeks without any results I would just give up. That’s right I gave up. I have never been a quitter. When did I become one? I was once tenacious. I would fight for what I wanted. Work hard. Look any challenge dead in the face and overcome. When did I lose that person? Why?

In difficult situations, most people tell you what you want to hear. Siren is not one of those people. After meeting with the natural health specialist, she beat the shit out of me with her words, broke me down, and made me see what I was doing to myself, my husband and our relationship. She is probably the only person who could have gotten away with talking to me the way she did. If it was anyone else I would have told them to mind their own business, or told them they didn’t know what they were talking about. But with her I had no choice but to listen. I had to listen. For the sake of myself, my husband, and our relationship.

When Leland and I first started dating, we were a strong force. People didn’t understand how we fit together but we didn’t care. We loved each other, were having so much fun together and were working hard to make our lives better. We were moving in the same direction. We were ignoring boundaries and doing whatever we needed to do to maintain our happy lifestyle. We wanted better for ourselves and were going to get it no matter what. Then somewhere along the way I stopped moving.

I literally stopped moving.

After work I would come home and sit on the couch. I didn’t want to do anything on the weekends. I didn’t want to go out. We would have people over on most Friday or Saturday nights, but I wouldn’t go anywhere. If Leland wanted to see live music, I would send him with a friend. While Leland worked his ass of during the week at work, and then at band practice, I would do nothing. I wouldn’t even cook. Or clean. I somehow went from being a mover and a shaker to being a mope-a-lope.

The sad thing is I didn’t even see it.

Yes, I noticed the weight gain. But I ignored it. I made excuses for it. I refused to see that I was becoming someone I didn’t want to be. While I stopped moving, Leland kept forging ahead. We aren’t the strong force we used to be anymore. We aren’t working together to make our lives better. Leland is working and I am sitting here, doing nothing.

While I have been complaining about not feeling well, being tired all the time, having headaches, joint pain, gaining weight, I have done nothing but complain about it. Not once in the past 4 years have I taken control over what has happened to me and fixed it.

I cannot, and will not, sit around anymore.

I want Leland and I to be the unstoppable couple we once were. I want Leland to look at me and see the spitfire he met 7 years ago. I want to lose the 70 pounds I gained and feel better about myself. I want to be able to go up a flight of stairs without becoming winded. I want to work hard to make my life better. I want to move in a forward direction again. I want to know that I am doing everything possible to find myself again.

That being said, I have started to take action. I have gotten myself off the couch. I make myself work out. I do my hair. And on really good days I may even put on makeup. All of these things make me feel better about myself and make me feel like I am doing something. But it’s not enough. For me to be the person I once was, I need to do something for myself, other than losing weight and getting healthy. I need a hobby, something that is just mine to work towards.

So National Novel Writing Month is coming at the perfect time for me. I have wanted to be a writer for quite awhile, but in the midst of me losing myself, I also lost the urge to write. Though I am out of practice, I am participating in NaNoWriMo this year. In 11 days I will start writing my first novel. And per the NaNoWriMo challenge, I will have written 50,000 words by November 30th. I am so excited. Last night I decided what I am going to be writing and I am anxious to get started. It has been a long time since I have been excited about something. It has been a long time since I have smiled to myself just from thinking about something I am doing or have done.

So this is my new plan. I am taking my life back. I am taking control of my health. I am taking control of my happiness.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Disappearing Act

I haven’t posted anything new, or even logged on to Blogger, in a week. I’m not usually this quiet. Siren arrived on Thursday, so she kept me pretty busy all weekend, and then I woke up sick on Sunday morning. I have been sick all week. And since I have been sick, I have not been at work. And since I haven’t been at work I cannot blog because my computer still isn’t fixed.

I’m trying not to get frustrated about the broken computer because I know Leland is super busy. He has a ton on his plate, so I’m trying not to nag him to get the computer fixed. When I’m healthy and at work, it’s not such a big deal that the home computer is broken. I know zero about computers so fixing it myself is out of the question.


Siren and I went to doctor’s appointments on Friday, which I will tell you all about soon. We spent Saturday helping Leland, my dad, brother-in-law and sister build my deck. It was freezing cold but we were all out working anyway. My sister and brother-in-law rocked the deck boards and now we have a deck on the back of the house we can use. Leland and my dad built the railings and Siren and I did the grunt work. The deck is so close to being done. When it is, I’ll post pictures.

On Sunday we went apple picking with my family. It was super cold in the morning. I was feeling sick, but wouldn’t miss apple picking for anything. I layered my clothes and braved the weather. We all did. Our usual apple picking trips last about 4 hours, but this time we rushed our way through it. It was way too cold to spend 4 hours outside.

Siren left on Monday morning and I went to sleep for the next 3 days. I’m feeling a little better this morning. Though I would love to be at home sleeping the rest of the sickness off, I simply cannot afford to miss anymore work. So here I am. Back at work, back in the blogging world, back to reality.

I hope you all are doing well!

Thursday, October 8, 2009


Because I know you all are super concerned about my vagina issues, I wanted to let you all know that Leland and I had sex last night and I DID NOT RIP!!!!

WHOO HOO!!!!!!

This is the first time since March that I have had pain free sex.

After reading all of your comments, and since so many of you said I should get a second opinion, I did. I just called my regular doctor and she told me to only use the ointment once daily in the morning, as opposed to using it several times a day. She said using it several times a day could make my skin more elastic instead of helping it heal correctly.

So that's what I did. I used it every day after my morning shower and last night was the first time we tried having sex in a week. IT WAS WONDERFUL though I really wasn't concentrating on the sex. I was paying more attention to how my vagina felt, and when it was over and Leland confirmed that I had not torn, I actually did a victory dance. A naked victory dance.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

You're Putting the Harley Where?

Many people are writing about how much they love fall. I enjoy fall, I don’t love it. I will always be a summer girl. And although I think fall is the prettiest time of year, and I really love all things fall, such as pumpkin spice lattes, apple picking, haunted houses, sitting on the couch in front of the fire and putting the lawn mower away for the season, it doesn’t even come in at my second favorite season.

My second favorite season is spring. After a long, cold Chicago winter, there are few things that are better than watching tulips bloom, feeling the warmth of a 60 degree spring day, taking the lawn mower out for the season, shedding the layers of winter clothing, even looking at a yard full of dandelions. By the time February rolls around, winter is getting on my last nerve, as I am sure I am getting on everyone else’s last nerve because winter turns me into a whiny bitch. A mope-a-lope if you will. That’s what Leland calls me in the winter. So spring is definitely my second favorite season. And next spring will have new meaning for me because it’ll be the time I can take my motorcycle out of the dining room and take it for my first springtime ride.

That’s right, I said take it out of the dining room.

Now that it’s fall, it is time to put the motorcycle away for the season. I am hoping to get one more ride in before the weather gets really bad, but the way my schedule is looking, I’m not sure that is going to happen. Leland and I have been building a deck for the past 2 weekends and will continue working on it this weekend. Riding during the week is a possibility, but with fall in Chicago also comes a lot of rain. I have no interest in riding in the rain. I’m pretty hardcore, but not hardcore enough to get soaked for the sake of a ride. The rest of my weekends in October are filled, leaving me with the dreaded feeling that my motorcycle season has ended. For this reason alone, I hate fall. I don’t want my motorcycle season to end.

I have been having so much fun with the Harley. Though I still don’t have my license, I have my permit and ride it fairly often. With a permit I am supposed to only ride with a license motorcyclist along side me or following me in a car. But let’s not play games. We all know I break the law and ride alone. I wanted to get my license before the end of the season, but it just didn’t work out. Taking the test on my bike would be really tricky because it is so big, and my search for finding a smaller bike has me coming up empty. My plan is to take another rider training program in the spring and get my license that way. By that time I will be comfortable enough riding that I hopefully won’t fall over during the test.

But back to the topic at hand.

Now that the Harley has to be put away for the season, I am working on getting my dining room cleaned out so it can hang out in there for the winter months. Motorcycles belong in dining rooms.

When I first met Leland, I was surprised to find a motorcycle in the dining room at his parent’s house. After thinking about it, it makes sense. Cold weather is bad for cars and motorcycles, but cars handle it a lot better because we run them daily. Having a motorcycle out in the cold for months may cause problems for it in the spring. To sidestep that, Leland’s dad stored his bike in the house. This is the ONLY thing I will probably ever copy from his parents. You all know how I feel about them, so I can’t imagine myself wanting to be any more like them. I draw the line at storing a motorcycle in the dining room.

I don’t know about you, but I rarely use my dining room. Leland and I may eat dinner in the dining room once a week, but all the other days it goes unused. I sort of feel bad for it. Like it’s lacking purpose. Maybe my dining room would feel better about itself if I gave it something to look after.

Plus it would be a great conversation piece.

And when Christmas comes around I can put lights on it and make it festive.