Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Raw and Honest

Two weeks ago Siren came to visit and took me to several doctors appointments. I had multiple blood tests done, and listened as each doctor told me that everything came back normal. Medically speaking, there is nothing wrong with me.

Then I visited with a natural health specialist who pretty much slapped me in the face. He told me that I have no energy, am not sleeping well, have dry skin, am experiencing hair loss, along with all of my other symptoms all because I am overweight. Actually, I am considered obese.

That is a hard pill to swallow.

I did this to myself.

I have been gaining weight for the past 4 years, and for some reason, I never did anything about it. I would try to lose weight by eating right and going to the gym, but after a few weeks without any results I would just give up. That’s right I gave up. I have never been a quitter. When did I become one? I was once tenacious. I would fight for what I wanted. Work hard. Look any challenge dead in the face and overcome. When did I lose that person? Why?

In difficult situations, most people tell you what you want to hear. Siren is not one of those people. After meeting with the natural health specialist, she beat the shit out of me with her words, broke me down, and made me see what I was doing to myself, my husband and our relationship. She is probably the only person who could have gotten away with talking to me the way she did. If it was anyone else I would have told them to mind their own business, or told them they didn’t know what they were talking about. But with her I had no choice but to listen. I had to listen. For the sake of myself, my husband, and our relationship.

When Leland and I first started dating, we were a strong force. People didn’t understand how we fit together but we didn’t care. We loved each other, were having so much fun together and were working hard to make our lives better. We were moving in the same direction. We were ignoring boundaries and doing whatever we needed to do to maintain our happy lifestyle. We wanted better for ourselves and were going to get it no matter what. Then somewhere along the way I stopped moving.

I literally stopped moving.

After work I would come home and sit on the couch. I didn’t want to do anything on the weekends. I didn’t want to go out. We would have people over on most Friday or Saturday nights, but I wouldn’t go anywhere. If Leland wanted to see live music, I would send him with a friend. While Leland worked his ass of during the week at work, and then at band practice, I would do nothing. I wouldn’t even cook. Or clean. I somehow went from being a mover and a shaker to being a mope-a-lope.

The sad thing is I didn’t even see it.

Yes, I noticed the weight gain. But I ignored it. I made excuses for it. I refused to see that I was becoming someone I didn’t want to be. While I stopped moving, Leland kept forging ahead. We aren’t the strong force we used to be anymore. We aren’t working together to make our lives better. Leland is working and I am sitting here, doing nothing.

While I have been complaining about not feeling well, being tired all the time, having headaches, joint pain, gaining weight, I have done nothing but complain about it. Not once in the past 4 years have I taken control over what has happened to me and fixed it.

I cannot, and will not, sit around anymore.

I want Leland and I to be the unstoppable couple we once were. I want Leland to look at me and see the spitfire he met 7 years ago. I want to lose the 70 pounds I gained and feel better about myself. I want to be able to go up a flight of stairs without becoming winded. I want to work hard to make my life better. I want to move in a forward direction again. I want to know that I am doing everything possible to find myself again.

That being said, I have started to take action. I have gotten myself off the couch. I make myself work out. I do my hair. And on really good days I may even put on makeup. All of these things make me feel better about myself and make me feel like I am doing something. But it’s not enough. For me to be the person I once was, I need to do something for myself, other than losing weight and getting healthy. I need a hobby, something that is just mine to work towards.

So National Novel Writing Month is coming at the perfect time for me. I have wanted to be a writer for quite awhile, but in the midst of me losing myself, I also lost the urge to write. Though I am out of practice, I am participating in NaNoWriMo this year. In 11 days I will start writing my first novel. And per the NaNoWriMo challenge, I will have written 50,000 words by November 30th. I am so excited. Last night I decided what I am going to be writing and I am anxious to get started. It has been a long time since I have been excited about something. It has been a long time since I have smiled to myself just from thinking about something I am doing or have done.

So this is my new plan. I am taking my life back. I am taking control of my health. I am taking control of my happiness.


Dollface said...

This is great!! Its really empowering... Im glad you want to make the change for yourself!! good luck girlie... you will do amazing, xxxxoo

Suzi Q said...

Good for you! Good luck with NaNoWriMo!

Cathy said...

Go You!!

First, how awesome is Siren?! That's a true friend and you are lucky to have her.

Second, good for you for taking responsibility for what has happened and being strong enough to continue on and reclaim your life! You seem like a powerful force and I have no doubt that once you put your mind to something you'll make it happen.

Anonymous said...

I think this is such an amazing plan! once you are happy with yourself and life you will be unstoppable :-) We all fall into little slumps! We just have to make sure we climb back out at some point! If you need anything feel free to email me!

Good luck!

Samantha said...

I love your honesty and your ability to just put it all out there. And I admire the fact that you are determined to make changes in your life to better yourself. Thank goodness you have a friend like Siren to really knock the sense into you, because sometimes, we can't really see it for ourselves! I'm sure that you'll face some struggles along the way, but I hope that you stick with it and see the big results that you deserve!

I absolutely LOVE your writing goal. I didn't even know about National Novel Writing Month. I, too, have always wanted to be a writer, so maybe I will try to participate, too!

Mandy said...

That is so great that you're taking steps to taking back your happiness. I'm very impressed and wish you all the success you want and deserve. I've been there, same as you only I had a baby in the middle of my moping. But like you, I'm really working toward my goals as well. And I'm glad my words gave you some inspiration. I always like to encourage others to go for their dreams. I know you'll be happy and feeling great again in the coming months!

Anonymous said...

Good for you! You are truly an inspirational woman! I would love to read your novel when you're done.
Happy writing!

Beth Dunn said...

That is awesome! Writing is sooo fun too, you really get to escape. I miss it and plan to get back to it soon too. xoxo


Carma Sez said...

I am relieved that the blood work came back ok - Phew! And if it takes a kick in the butt from Siren to get you moving, that is a good thing! I've become a lot less active lately too. It is so much easier to come home and chill but all it takes is a short walk to get you going on the right track.

Feeling uninspired probably has a lot to do with it as you mentioned. I've been sorely lacking in that area too. Eager to see how it all works out for you and your new outlook. Enjoy your month of writing!

Anonymous said...

You are taking your life back, that is so so good. Give back the 70 pounds. Throw them away, burn them away. Lose them and forget where, just never find them again, you can do it, you Are doing it1 God will assist you if you want!



Good for you!! Breaking out of a rut can be so tough, and it's great to see you've found your inner motivator and are forging ahead. Happy writing!

Aubrey said...

You should be really proud of yourself for be willing to face the problem, being willing to accept that changes need to be made, for making the changes and for being willing to share with the world what you're doing.

Anonymous said...

I can totally relate and good for you for taking action! I hope you can inspire me too as well ;-)

Stacie said...

This is a great post, so few people can be truly honest with themselves and have the desire to change. Good luck with all your upcoming plans, I'm sure you'll tackle them with dedication and down the road from today, you'll be amazed at the change!

Hit 40 said...

Wow 50,000 words!!! I can not even imagine. I wonder how many random blog post words that I have written?? have had your thyroid checked too?

yellowdoggranny said...

what you did is really hard..Im proud of might also check to see if you might be has all the symptoms that you describe. good luck sweety.

Michelle@DomesticationoftheSingleGirl said...

Go you. You are awesome. The road to where you WANT to be is really short in comparison to not feeling up to par for the rest of your life, right?

You ARE an awesome writer, so something with it. :D

Your friend is pretty awesome, too...I find myself being one of those enabler kind of friends, saying that everything is sunshine and roses, more often than I think is good sometimes. I think that old Bambi saying should be changed to 'if you can't say something TRUE don't say anything at all' but I guess it would get totally abused, huh?

Slumps are a natural part of life. Just as long as they don't last TOO long, ya know?

Oh. And...I never would've known that you were anything LESS than awesome via blog. Just sayin.


Vodka Logic said...

Well done, and I should take a page from your book. My health sounds like yours..

I will try as well.. thanks.

Stephanie Faris said...

I don't talk about this often.

When I was 31, I weighed almost 200 pounds. I'm 5'2". I went to Missouri to visit relatives I hadn't seen in years and felt ashamed at how I looked. My aunt, who was always a go-getter (but overweight) had lost 50 pounds on Weight Watchers and looked great. She felt great. That trip, my mom and I vowed to join WW when we returned.

We joined but she didn't stick with it. It took me a year but I lost 80 pounds and have maintained it ever since. I have a few pounds I'd like to shed right now but I like food too much! I do know that if I jump back on WW I'll have the weight off in no time. It just works for me. I recommend Weight Watchers -- the support is INCREDIBLE. You really will be amazed at the women you meet in the meetings. You could do the online thing but there's something about attending the meeting that makes a HUGE difference.

Meg said...

Do it, girl! You can do it. And I don't mean that in the Nike slogan way. I really mean it. I took a leave of absence from life in early college and gained about 20 lbs. Then I woke up. It was hard losing it, but I did it and haven't looked back.

And really, the energy comes back as you lose the weight, making it easier as you go. What other challenge in life gets easier as you go further?? Good luck.

Fahrenheit 350° said...

I love it! I should do this too! I can relate to everything you wrote here. In fact, I'm munching on Nilla Wafers at this moment - not so good!

MsTypo said...

This is such a great post. You're lucky to have a friend who will be that honest with you. Your post really spoke to me and my personal situation. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

I have been thinking of this suggestion for you, Yankee Girl. Substitute any physical activity for the food that you know you shouldn't eat. You'll score a calorie reduction instead of a calorie gain. It's twice as effective as just cutting back on food!

Good luck with it.


Mademoiselle Deva said...

OMG! What a strong post, I see motivation that goes from it. I know it's not easy to get up and move your life forward but I'm keeping my fingres crossed you will become a woman you want to be. Avoiding mirrors and social events are not the best way to live - think it was just a period and very soon you will be this powerful woman you used to be!

Thank you for stopping by on my blog and for leaving sweet comment! I already like you coz you love animals with whole your heart just like I do!

Melissa B. said...

You go, girl! And I'm really looking forward to reading what you have to say...

Little Ms Blogger said...

I relate to every single word you put on this page and am also participating in NaNo.

Anonymous said...

You go girl! Maybe I'll get some motivation from you!!

Kim said...

Good for you! I can't imagine how hard it was to go through all of this, let alone to share it on the blog. You can do this! Just stay positive and you'll be where you want to be mentally and physically in no time!