Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
Dusting Bones
While Leland was away in Puerto Rico a few weeks ago, I did a lot of house cleaning. For those of you who don’t know, I HATE cleaning and am allergic to the vacuum. But for some reason I was bitten by the spring cleaning bug. Every day after work I came home and cleaned.
We have a bowl in our kitchen that has every single chore written on a tiny piece of paper. All pieces of paper are folded up and placed in the bowl. Whenever we have to/want to do chores, we pull a piece of paper from the bowl and it tells us what to do. They are all small, easy projects like dust the piano or wash the bathroom mirror. Every day while Leland was gone, I pulled 7 chores out of the bowl. I ended up doing laundry, dusting the shelves in the office, cleaning the toilet…and I could go on and on.
Everything was going great until I pulled dust death shrine out of the bowl.
Leland and I live in an old house. The house has one narrow hallway on the main floor, and in that hallway is a little shelf that many people used to keep their telephones on. Since we don’t have a home phone, the shelf sat empty for many months. We just couldn’t decide what to put there.
Until Leland was unpacking some boxes and found a raccoon skull that he had been saving.
The raccoon skull was placed on the shelf, and soon it was accompanied by an otter skull and a bird skull. The death shrine was officially born. Now the death shrine holds those 3 skulls, along with two dragonflies and two cicadas. Whenever we have new people over to our house, Leland always makes sure to point out the death shrine.
Anycreepy, though I have walked past the death shrine a million times, I have never touched it. I am totally cool with the otter skull and raccoon skull, because they have both been bleached and clean. The bird skull, however, still has a feather attached to it. And though I am not afraid of bugs and have gotten over my fear of spiders, I still don’t want to touch the bugs.
No thank you.
But the chore jar gods wanted me to clean it, so I cleaned it. Touching the dead bugs and little tiny birdie skull definitely gave me a case of the hebee jebees. Because the bugs were so fragile, I had to pick them up by their heads and I was able to feel their eyeballs.
Several minutes of squirming and squealing later, the death shrine was back in order and I declared myself done with chores for the day.
When I sat on the couch with a glass of wine, I felt lucky that the squirrel head was still in the freezer.
Yes.
There is a squirrel head in my freezer.
I’ll tell you about that later.
We have a bowl in our kitchen that has every single chore written on a tiny piece of paper. All pieces of paper are folded up and placed in the bowl. Whenever we have to/want to do chores, we pull a piece of paper from the bowl and it tells us what to do. They are all small, easy projects like dust the piano or wash the bathroom mirror. Every day while Leland was gone, I pulled 7 chores out of the bowl. I ended up doing laundry, dusting the shelves in the office, cleaning the toilet…and I could go on and on.
Everything was going great until I pulled dust death shrine out of the bowl.
Leland and I live in an old house. The house has one narrow hallway on the main floor, and in that hallway is a little shelf that many people used to keep their telephones on. Since we don’t have a home phone, the shelf sat empty for many months. We just couldn’t decide what to put there.
Until Leland was unpacking some boxes and found a raccoon skull that he had been saving.
The raccoon skull was placed on the shelf, and soon it was accompanied by an otter skull and a bird skull. The death shrine was officially born. Now the death shrine holds those 3 skulls, along with two dragonflies and two cicadas. Whenever we have new people over to our house, Leland always makes sure to point out the death shrine.
Anycreepy, though I have walked past the death shrine a million times, I have never touched it. I am totally cool with the otter skull and raccoon skull, because they have both been bleached and clean. The bird skull, however, still has a feather attached to it. And though I am not afraid of bugs and have gotten over my fear of spiders, I still don’t want to touch the bugs.
No thank you.
But the chore jar gods wanted me to clean it, so I cleaned it. Touching the dead bugs and little tiny birdie skull definitely gave me a case of the hebee jebees. Because the bugs were so fragile, I had to pick them up by their heads and I was able to feel their eyeballs.
Several minutes of squirming and squealing later, the death shrine was back in order and I declared myself done with chores for the day.
When I sat on the couch with a glass of wine, I felt lucky that the squirrel head was still in the freezer.
Yes.
There is a squirrel head in my freezer.
I’ll tell you about that later.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Tonsil Talk
A little over a year ago I fell in my driveway and hit my head twice. Once on the bumper of the car and then once on the ground. One emergency room visit and CT scan later, the doctor came in the room to tell me he found something abnormal in the scan (insert “we just knew you needed to get your head checked!” jokes).
But other than a concussion, my head was fine. The abnormality that was found was on my thyroid. The CT scan showed two nodules that were going to need to be tested. Sweet.
So I took myself to an ear, nose and throat doctor who was recommended to me by my regular doctor. After a very short wait, I was led to an exam room. Since I waited less than 5 minutes, I was already impressed. When the doctor entered the room, he was friendly and courteous and even cracked some jokes. Wow, I thought to myself, this doctor is great.
That feeling lasted less than 20 seconds. While doing a quick exam, he looked in my throat and said “Wow, those are the largest tonsils I have ever seen.” When I asked what I should do about them, he replied, “just make sure they don’t get any bigger.”
Huh?
How the hell am I supposed to make sure they don’t get bigger?
Then he looked at my CT and ultrasound results and said, “The nodules are probably normal, so just make sure they aren’t growing.”
Again, HUH?
He told me to come back in three months for another thyroid ultrasound.
I left his office and immediately made an appointment with another ENT.
He did a fine needle aspirate on my thyroid nodules and everything came back normal. He said I didn’t need to worry about them unless they started causing me pain or discomfort. Great. No worries. Just what a like.
But then he told me my tonsils were the biggest he had ever seen and that they would need to come out.
That’s what I thought.
But he didn’t take them out because he isn’t a provider on my insurance.
So I still have the largest tonsils known to man.
This same doctor believes they are the cause of my sleep apnea. I guess that when I lay down, my tonsils move closer together and restrict my airway and that is why I wake up a hundred times a night gasping for air. He also said because I am not getting rest, my immune system is being compromised. Awesome. Maybe that is the reason I am feeling under the weather AGAIN.
So I have an appointment on April 7th to get the ball rolling on getting my grande-sized tonsils removed. Because a good night sleep is long overdue.
But other than a concussion, my head was fine. The abnormality that was found was on my thyroid. The CT scan showed two nodules that were going to need to be tested. Sweet.
So I took myself to an ear, nose and throat doctor who was recommended to me by my regular doctor. After a very short wait, I was led to an exam room. Since I waited less than 5 minutes, I was already impressed. When the doctor entered the room, he was friendly and courteous and even cracked some jokes. Wow, I thought to myself, this doctor is great.
That feeling lasted less than 20 seconds. While doing a quick exam, he looked in my throat and said “Wow, those are the largest tonsils I have ever seen.” When I asked what I should do about them, he replied, “just make sure they don’t get any bigger.”
Huh?
How the hell am I supposed to make sure they don’t get bigger?
Then he looked at my CT and ultrasound results and said, “The nodules are probably normal, so just make sure they aren’t growing.”
Again, HUH?
He told me to come back in three months for another thyroid ultrasound.
I left his office and immediately made an appointment with another ENT.
He did a fine needle aspirate on my thyroid nodules and everything came back normal. He said I didn’t need to worry about them unless they started causing me pain or discomfort. Great. No worries. Just what a like.
But then he told me my tonsils were the biggest he had ever seen and that they would need to come out.
That’s what I thought.
But he didn’t take them out because he isn’t a provider on my insurance.
So I still have the largest tonsils known to man.
This same doctor believes they are the cause of my sleep apnea. I guess that when I lay down, my tonsils move closer together and restrict my airway and that is why I wake up a hundred times a night gasping for air. He also said because I am not getting rest, my immune system is being compromised. Awesome. Maybe that is the reason I am feeling under the weather AGAIN.
So I have an appointment on April 7th to get the ball rolling on getting my grande-sized tonsils removed. Because a good night sleep is long overdue.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Hump Day Hangover 5: A Guest Blogger
When I started this little project, I never imagined I would have the response that you have all given me. Yes, I have lost some followers because of it, but I have gained far more than I have lost. We are only a month in and this has become a great journey. The greatest thing about this is that I have learned that there are a ton of people out there who want to talk about SEX. So let's do it. I have decided to open up Hump Day Hangover to ANYONE who wants to talk about sex. Just send me an email and I'll get you scheduled to guest post.
Today I am hosting my first guest blogger ever!
Many of you know T!nk from This is How it Feels. He is awesome, sexy, funny, real and he is my gay. I know I share him with others but that's cool. I have sisters. I learned to share when I was young.
Read what T!nk has to say about his sexcapades. And then go to his site and follow him. He is SO worth the extra blog in your reader!
Without further ado....
I consider myself a classy woman.
I cook, I clean, I never leave the house lookin' a hot mess, you would never find me on peopleofwalmart.com. (<-----I mention them enough they should be my sponsor). I always have my face on*, hair did, outfit lookin' fly, I mean, you never know when you could be signed to Wilhelmina.
I've got home trainin' so I know how to act in public. I am a gracious host/guest, unless you've pissed me off, but even that I will handle in a classy manner. I never attempt to procreate on the first date. If it went well, you will get a kiss and a hug at the end of the night, and if it went REALLY well I might use tongue. I never act like a ho in public.
But I am a sexual being.
I'm a freak in the sheets... or lack of bedding attire, or bedding apparatus thereof.
When I first started becoming sexually active (we can say that, I mean, we're all adults here, no? fine. I'll substitute) I realized that there was one place that was taboo for me to make whoopie.
I mean, I've "bumped uglies" in a church parking lot (where my dad was the preacher), basement, hallway, deep in the woods, back porch at 2am, on the couch, kitchen counter**, on an empty train, down by the river, in the backseat of any model of car you can think of, the shower, kitchen sink, the bed of all models of ford truck, behind a tent in Iraq, mall parking lot, and one time in the middle of the park at 3am. There was one place I had left to discover.
The bed.
I had never "done the do" in my own bed (I once knocked boots in my Dad's bed once as a big F U, but that's another story). When the time finally "came" for me to do the nasty in my own bed, it was like a foreign place to me. It was new, and exciting, and I was afraid I was going to need a special spill kit for my Egyptian Cotton Sheets.
But I didn't just let anyone in my bed. I mean, I'm a classy woman, that's like, personal. A bed is for sleeping and sleeping is intimate? Right? That would mean I had to, like, put myself out there on a more than purely physical level, right? Then I would have to have, like.... substance.
It was then that I realized that I was more than what I could offer in the boudoir. I was smart, funny, intelligent, loving, caring, a real catch. And I'm basically June fucking Cleaver in the kitchen.
If I was such a catch... then why was I giving my goodies away to any gentlemen caller that was above an 8... (on the hottie scale) who had a nice smile and a twinkle in his eye?
I realized then that I didn't feel like I was such a put together woman. And that all that put togetherness on the outside was a mask for the mess inside. The lonely, scared, angry, needy, emotionally dependent little gay boy. And the mattress mambo, for me, became a way of finding love and happiness because I didn't have it within myself.
It was then that I started the journey to love myself. While it's been an uphill battle, it's been one that I am winning. I feel like I love that lonely, scared little boy so much more today than I ever thought I could. And it's not easy. There are days where I am down. There are days when I am too hard on myself. But overall, it's been a good ride.
And when I started dating again, and opened myself up, put myself out there, I did so in my bed. No spill kit, no safety net. One man, on one man. Just as God intended ;-)
Love,
*face on: having 15.5 lbs of MAC makeup on, looking similar to Jan Crouch, she's classy.
**for health reasons, I wouldn't necessarily suggest this surface.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Death Metal Review
For the last couple of weekends, Leland has been playing a lot of shows with his death metal band, Throne of the Wretched. When he started this band, I told him that I would probably not be going to a lot of his shows. Not because I don’t want to be supportive, but because I do not like death metal music.
I went to his first show, well, because it was their first and a lot of our friends were going to be there…so I basically went to hang out with my friends, not to support my husband.
Last weekend Leland played two shows. Again, I wasn’t planning on going, but the singer quit so Leland had to step up and do the vocals. If you didn’t know this by now, Leland is a bit of an egomaniac, so I just HAD to go to the shows and see him as a front man. He did an awesome job, but my intentions aren’t to stroke his ego.
The death metal scene is unlike anything else I have ever seen. At both shows this past weekend, I was one of maybe three women at the venue. I am assuming the other women were also wives or girlfriends of members of the other bands that were playing. The members in all four bands pretty much looked the same. They were all wearing some sort of death metal t-shirt, several of them were promoting Satan with sayings such as Who needs a God when we have Satan? Leland was wearing a t-shirt from a band called Carcass, and other guys were wearing t-shirts from bands called Cannibal Corpse, Maggot Twat, and Tony Danza Tap Dance Extravaganza. Death metal is high class, isn't it?
All of the guys there must have been trying to look metal because they all seemed to wear the same scowl and looked as though they were just waiting for the chance to eat someone alive. If I had encountered any of these guys on a dark street, I would definitely be reaching for my mace and brass knuckles. But I wasn’t on a dark street, so what did I do?
I talked to the scary guys.
As it turns out, they weren’t scary people and didn’t want to eat my face off. Some were soft-spoken and shy, some were friendly and outgoing, some just wanted to talk music. None of them were scary and no one tried to get me involved in any weird Satan worshipping rituals. They were just interested in playing heavy music and supporting the death metal scene.
I found the whole night to be sort of funny. For some reason I couldn’t help but laugh when I saw Leland playing and singing…well, death metal singers don’t really sing, they growl. Leland’s fingers were moving faster than I had ever seen before, and though the music is as far from mainstream as music can possibly get, their musicianship was more technical than I have ever seen. No, I still don’t like the music, but watching the members of all four bands play really made me appreciate death metal.
But not enough to enjoy it when Leland BLASTS the music in the house and in the car.
I went to his first show, well, because it was their first and a lot of our friends were going to be there…so I basically went to hang out with my friends, not to support my husband.
Last weekend Leland played two shows. Again, I wasn’t planning on going, but the singer quit so Leland had to step up and do the vocals. If you didn’t know this by now, Leland is a bit of an egomaniac, so I just HAD to go to the shows and see him as a front man. He did an awesome job, but my intentions aren’t to stroke his ego.
The death metal scene is unlike anything else I have ever seen. At both shows this past weekend, I was one of maybe three women at the venue. I am assuming the other women were also wives or girlfriends of members of the other bands that were playing. The members in all four bands pretty much looked the same. They were all wearing some sort of death metal t-shirt, several of them were promoting Satan with sayings such as Who needs a God when we have Satan? Leland was wearing a t-shirt from a band called Carcass, and other guys were wearing t-shirts from bands called Cannibal Corpse, Maggot Twat, and Tony Danza Tap Dance Extravaganza. Death metal is high class, isn't it?
All of the guys there must have been trying to look metal because they all seemed to wear the same scowl and looked as though they were just waiting for the chance to eat someone alive. If I had encountered any of these guys on a dark street, I would definitely be reaching for my mace and brass knuckles. But I wasn’t on a dark street, so what did I do?
I talked to the scary guys.
As it turns out, they weren’t scary people and didn’t want to eat my face off. Some were soft-spoken and shy, some were friendly and outgoing, some just wanted to talk music. None of them were scary and no one tried to get me involved in any weird Satan worshipping rituals. They were just interested in playing heavy music and supporting the death metal scene.
I found the whole night to be sort of funny. For some reason I couldn’t help but laugh when I saw Leland playing and singing…well, death metal singers don’t really sing, they growl. Leland’s fingers were moving faster than I had ever seen before, and though the music is as far from mainstream as music can possibly get, their musicianship was more technical than I have ever seen. No, I still don’t like the music, but watching the members of all four bands play really made me appreciate death metal.
But not enough to enjoy it when Leland BLASTS the music in the house and in the car.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Homecoming
Leland gets home at noon today and I am so excited. We haven't really been able to talk all week because he has been so busy, and I miss my best friend. And I miss having a man in the house.
I have never lived alone. I moved out of my parents house and into the house I share with Leland. I think because I have never lived alone I now get a little nervous being at home alone when he is out of town. I know, call me crazy (you wouldn't be the first), but when I am spending a significant amount of time at home alone I feel like there is a large neon sign in the front yard telling murderers and rapists that there is a woman alone in the house.
This is why I got a dog. Bacchus has been doing a great job protecting me this week, though it turns out I really didn't need protecting. Every night he would pace the hallway for a while before he went to his closet to sleep. He would stand at the hallway window and growl, what he was growling at I have no idea. But since he never does this when Leland is home, it was actually making me nervous. I thought there might actually be someone outside, drawn in by the large neon sign.
I spent my week working, cleaning and taking walks with the dog. I ate healthy and took care of myself and Leland will be coming home today to a (finally!) healthy wife.
I have never lived alone. I moved out of my parents house and into the house I share with Leland. I think because I have never lived alone I now get a little nervous being at home alone when he is out of town. I know, call me crazy (you wouldn't be the first), but when I am spending a significant amount of time at home alone I feel like there is a large neon sign in the front yard telling murderers and rapists that there is a woman alone in the house.
This is why I got a dog. Bacchus has been doing a great job protecting me this week, though it turns out I really didn't need protecting. Every night he would pace the hallway for a while before he went to his closet to sleep. He would stand at the hallway window and growl, what he was growling at I have no idea. But since he never does this when Leland is home, it was actually making me nervous. I thought there might actually be someone outside, drawn in by the large neon sign.
I spent my week working, cleaning and taking walks with the dog. I ate healthy and took care of myself and Leland will be coming home today to a (finally!) healthy wife.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Hump Day Hangover 4
Welcome to my fourth edition of Hump Day Hangover. If you are new to my blog and want to know what this is all about, go here.
By the time Leland gets home from Puerto Rico on Friday, we will be behind our goal by 28. Yep, we will have to continue having sex to stay on top of things, and then have make up sex 28 times. I’m not worried. Leland and I do not have any plans this weekend so I am SURE we will get a good amount of shagging in. Maybe I’ll just tie Leland to the bedposts and leave him there all weekend. Then he will be just waiting there for my pleasure.
Although I was sick last week and had my period, we still made sure to have some sex. My death metal seduction worked, though we had some trouble in the shower. For some reason, we just couldn’t figure out how to do it in the shower. I thought that I could just bend over and Leland could do me from behind, but I failed to realize that Leland is significantly taller than me, and in order for him to do that my ass would somehow have to be higher. I tried standing on my toes but I still wasn’t high enough. I tried putting one leg up, we tried having Leland outside of the shower, Leland tried getting lower. NOTHING WORKED.
What are we doing wrong?
Please help.
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