Friday, February 19, 2010

The Answer to Weight Loss

In case you didn’t know, Leland is OBSESSED with staying as fit as possible. Though he is pretty trim, has large muscles and works out on a regular basis, he is always looking for ways to step it up a notch. He is determined to have a 6-pack before he turns 30.

Last week as we were driving home from work, he told me about this article he found at MensHealth.com. The article was a list of 25 things men can do to stay in shape.

I was all ears. Leland loves talking about new exercises and new things he can do to trim his mid-section so I was anxious to hear what he was going to try next. Since I have known him he has tried some interesting things to earn the elusive 6-pack including, but not limited to, eating only 400 calories a day, eating nothing but salmon for a month, doing 1000 crunches a day, and taking protein and creatine shakes.

Even after trying all of those things, he has found that working out a lot and eating a lot of protein works best for him. I think the only reason he doesn’t have a 6-pack is because he likes to drink and have a good time on the weekends.

Anyway, back to the article that has given Leland his newest idea.

“The article says I should be having sex 700 times a year,” Leland said.

That’s right. 700 times a year!

Humoring him, I said, “Really? What did the article say about it?”

He then went on to tell me how men who have sex 700 times a year look ten years younger than those who don’t. Sex burns calories, reduces stress, increases endorphins, and is just all around good for you. He even said that the article had a 7 day schedule for sex.

Lucky me.

The man who gets more random boners than most 16 year old boys now wants to have sex 700 times a year. That’s nearly 2 times a day. And if you account for the 4 days a month when Leland doesn’t even want to be in the same room as me, that makes it 2.2 times a day.

Like I said, he LITERALLY gets about 10 random boners a day. Now this article has given him more ammunition for talking me into using those random boners.

I tried to reason with him. I tried to tell him that the article was written by a man, for men to read in a men’s magazine. OF COURSE they are going to say that sex is the answer to weight loss.

But it didn’t work.

Nope, he thinks this is the money idea. He just knows that this will bring the desired results. He even promised me I would see results of my own.

Again, lucky me.

Now don’t get me wrong. You all know I enjoy sex with Leland, but…well, I guess I just never expected sex to turn into exercise. I don’t know about you, but I am definitely not one of those women who LOVES exercise.

If you don’t hear from me for a while it’s because I am VERY BUSY having sex. And when I am not having sex, I will most likely be too tired to do anything else.

And please, check out the 7 day schedule. That way you can follow along and know exactly what kind of sex I am having on any given day.

52 comments:

Suzi Q said...

OMG! That is totally an article written by a man, for a man, in a men's magazine. I laughed so hard my abs hurt! Good luck with that!

Dual Mom said...

The author of that article should be burned at the stake.

i am the diva said...

ohmygod, i was reading their SURE FIRE WAYS to get laid 8 times a week... oh my... i had a hard time shifting gears between; "Oh my..as IF! and WHAT THE HELL!?"

Mens Health... ::shakes head::

Cathy said...

This is proof that JT and Leland would get along spectacularly(sp?). JT works out like a mad man and is always reading up on different/better ways to get ripped. He is forever trying to get rid of the tiny bit of fluff covering his 6-pack. I will be sure he never hears of this 700 times a year sex thing.

heartinhand said...

I'm glad my husband doesn't know how to read.

Sarah Nicole said...

Wow. That is crazy. 700x a year? Do these woman have some kind of super power? Mens Health is ridiculous. I think women feel the way about this magazine as men do about Cosmopolitan.

carma said...

the other day I was complaining that it is impossible to maintain my weight as I am getting older - and MB chimes in saying he knows exactly what I've gotta do; let's just say he would be an ardent supporter of the 700 times a year plan; that's always his solution for EVERYTHING :D

Tracie said...

I'm pretty sure this is how why my husband and I were so skinny back in the day.

Also, I followed the link and the article's comments are entertaining too. I'm fairly certain that Mens Health contains lots of good blog fodder.

Secretia said...

You might offer to break the 2.2 times per day into eleven equal segments, that would be eleven times 2/10 of the sex act, almost like get him hard and stop.
That will never work, it wouldn't work with my guy either, he just won't quit!

Secretia

wines constantly said...

Oh holy hell, that is hilarious and terrifying. I mean, I'm all for sex, but 700 times a year?!!? I shudder to imagine the UTIs that frequency would surely bring on.

Leiah said...

I'm 45 and That Man is 48. We've been together a few years now but don't live together. Our kids are grown, gone & on their own. When you reach this point in your life, you'll be amazed at just how many things in that schedule will & does happen. Ah...life is good! Now if you'll excuse me I must go do some stretching exercises...lol!

YELLOWDOG GRANNY said...

some asshole owes me 8,936 fucks.

Mom et al said...

Hi, I'm your newest Friday follower!

Come visit me at Mom-et-al.com

-Maria

/

Confessions From A Working Mom said...

700 times a YEAR??? I am pretty sure I haven't had sex 700 times in my life (and I didnt' wait til I was married; don't tell my mom or grama). How is that even possible? What about your period? Illness? Fatigue????

WOW.

Oh, and I am crazy-Olympic-stalkerish too. I sobbed last night when the American won the figure skating gold.

~Elizabeth
Confessions From A Working Mom

Secret Mom Thoughts said...

That is totally insane. Did my husband write it? Sounds like something he would write.

Krista said...

LMAO... that... is... AWESOME!

If I could have sex 700 times a year I would be a happy, happy camper! As long as it was good sex. If I were forced to endure that "OMG what was I THINKING" sex that often I think I might just off myself...

SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB said...

my husband has sex 700 times a year

unfortunately it is with himself

The Boob Nazi said...

hahahahahahaha
I'm following you back!

Mandy's Life After 30 said...

Good luck with that one (or eight times per week I should say) girl!~ That certainly was entertaining. My personal faves to read about were "Dry hump Wednesday" and "Two times Sunday," -- yes now I have an even better excuse for skipping church, LMAO!

Monique-aka-Surferwife23 said...

oh good Lord. Why do I have a sneaking suspicion that you two are boning right now?

RN Mama said...

I'm not sure which I'm more floored by... The 700 times/year or your husband's 10 random boners/day? It's all very impressive, but not something I wish to sign up for!

Keep me updated though, if you can even walk over to your computer after this;)

Oh, and thanks for stopping by my blog!

Nikki said...

LOL!!! That sounds like an excellent workout that I will have to try with my hubs!!! :) Hubs just got the cds for P90 extreme, its a great workout you guys might want to check that one out. Its a really nice one, (to do in addition to above, obviously) following you right back! :)

KarmaPearl said...

Yeah if my husband came to me with this, I'd laugh in his face and tell him to keep dreaming.

I think my husband actually may have written that article.

Amy said...

This is hilarious!!!
Last Easter, I had to listen to my uncle relive his vasectomy experience. He's a pretty witty fellow, so it wasn't perverted. Albeit weird...but not pervy.

Anyway, he casually mentioned that his doctor said he had to have a lot of sex to "flush out his pipes." My uncle's response?

"Uh, doc, can I get a note for that. My wife will never believe it!"

Also? Men's Health has lost their mind!!!

Anything Fits a Naked Man said...

OMG! You know, my husband gets that stinkin Men's Health Magazine, too. I can't BELIEVE the crap they've filled his head with!!

Umm....good luck???

Christiejolu said...

I haven't checked out the article yet but it definately osunds like male logic!

foxy said...

Oh my, that article was TOTALLY written by a man, for men everywhere!!! I'm telling you though, I'm NOT BUYING IT.

And I love that your mom all commented on your sexual escapades. My mom would totally do the same.

Thanks for coming by today!

MiMi said...

what?! 10 random boners? I would run if I were you, you are gonna be sore! Lol. It would be hilarious if YOU got 6 pack abs and he didn't.
onto a totally unrelated topic; I read in your profile that your favorite book is Atlas Shrugs...or Shrugged...? Now I can't remember. Anyway! I've been wanting to read that but I'm afraid I'm too stoooopid. :/

Mrsblogalot said...

I just stepped on my husbands reading glasses.

Oooppsie.

MiMi said...

I must follow now, to keep track of this boning thing.

aladdinsane12 said...

hey- at least you won't be the married couple that only has sex every 4 months! and i just read that article and almost puked all over myself.

"Run your hand languidly along the side of her torso, hips, and thigh several times before letting your fingers wander between her legs..."

LANGUIDLY? for real?

Brian Miller said...

nice. thanks for linking the schedule...going to talk to my wife tonight...lol.

thanks for dropping in today.

w said...

this post was hilarious. and scary.

also. i don't think i can ever look you in the eye. word.

Sarah Beth said...

Ha. So funny! Good luck with that. :)

Simply Stacie said...

Following you from Follow Me Fridays!

http://stacievaughansblog.blogspot.com

hurstburst said...

700 times? Does 699 not count? 800 way too much? Where the hell did they come up with that random number?

Anylube, thanks for stopping by today!

Cougar Tales said...

OMG - I can totally relate on the crazy fitness buff husband. His latest craze is P90X and every day he is telling me about what work out I should be doing.

Holly said...

700 times...it must be a joke...a bad one. I will not let my hubby read that issues at all.

Eternally Distracted said...

I have to go off and read this now! I have heard of sexercise... but really!!

Mrsblogalot said...

I came back to see what kind of sex you were having today (-:

JenJen said...

That is amazing. Maybe you and Astroglide can set up some sort of deal. Does it have to be normal sex? Ya know, penis-to-vagina penetration? They seem so professional and scientific, you would think there would be some perameters. Does sex with a fake vagina work? What about anal? Blowjobs? I need specifics, here.

The Girl Next Door Grows Up said...

That idea IS so money!

For the men!

I can't wait to share this idea with my husband!! Ha!

Good luck.

Eyegirl said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog and leaving a comment! :) And, uh, good luck?? You'll have to let us know if the sex thing is the key to a 6 pack, but for some reason I'm kind of doubting it.

Theta Mom said...

700 times??? Yes, totally wirtten by a MAN for MEN.

Cristina said...

Ok, so I read this so called - have sex 8 times this week and I would like to know - where the kids are?!

It's Sunday so am I supposed to spoon with him and the kids - with another re-run of SpongeBob while he enters me without fuss?

I would love to read Good Housekeeping's version!

Imagine?

Bwahahahahahah

Keep us posted on the romptastic events.

xx

Cristina

Kmama said...

OMG. Now that there is quite the challenge. LOL

Aubrey said...

Thank God, I just let me man's Men's Health subscription expire =) Actually, mine has a six-pack that he pretty effortlessly maintains by taking jiu jitsu 3 times a week and doing a lot of yard work.

Taylor-Made Wife said...

10 random boners a day! I'll have to ask my husband about his. I'm glad my husband isn't rading that magazine anymore.

Kisha said...

Um, yeah, I'm totally forwarding that article to my husband...let's just say he could use a little inspiration these days:)

Intense Guy said...

I ache just thinking about 700 times a year...

Leland is like ...awesome... the ultra-marathon ironman...

Please tell me what he eats?

(someone needs to help YDG catch up...)

italianmamachef said...

I knew you guys had to be under 30! No one in their right mind over 30 would even think they could have sex 700 times a year on a good day. I love the ticker, I think. ;-)

I agree that a man had to have written that article. I will have to check back and see how you are doing. Jayme was right that you are funny.

Sara said...

Outstanding.

Although, yes. Clearly written by men FOR men.

In any men's magazine, I believe sex is the answer to anything.

Anxiety? Have sex.
Goiter? Have sex.
Inner ear problem? Have lots of sex.

Still... it's got to be good for women, too!