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Tracie from Stir Fry Awesomeness is hanging out today. I know most of you know her and that makes me happy because she is fansmashingtastic. She never fails to make me laugh and since she thinks sarcasm is an art form, I must say she is quite the artist. Please read and enjoy!
*Before you read this post please be aware that in my neck of the woods we don't pronounce the "L" sound in caulk. This will be much more amusing if you do the same whilst reading.*
You know that my husband is too busy working to do manual labor. Therefore, I have had all manner of skilled (and unskilled) tradesmen sprucing up Casa de la Awesome.
I could do a series of posts on each one as they were all “characters”. (Remember the weirdo magnet?) And most of them have been talkers. (Like my kids on crack.)
Gary The Painter was no exception. He was hired to paint the downstairs bathroom, the stairway and half of the family room.
“Why only half of the family room?” the curious reader might ask.
Because Hubs started to paint it 2 years ago and he never finished. Six months of nagging and nookie were required for the first half to get done.
Gary had more issues than the New Yorker. One of them was his troubled love life. According to Gary, the women he met were only interested in money and sex.
(Could they have been hookers?)
Anyho, the entire time Gary painted he talked to me. It didn't matter if I was upstairs and he was downstairs, he continued his little therapy session.
(Perhaps HE should have paid ME?)
Eventually Gary deduced that Casa de la Notso Awesome needed many, many repairs and that Hubs was never going to do them. Then he became even more friendly and enthusiastic about his job.
First, Gary tried to convince me that he and a buddy could do the master bathroom re-model because he knew how to put up drywall.
(I was fairly certain that there was more to a bathroom remodel than drywall. But thanks, anyway.)
So Gary fell back on his forte - painting. He tried to talk me into hiring him to repaint all the trim and molding in the house. He was racing around pointing out all the imperfections and improper techniques that had been used.
Gary’s biggest pet peeve?
Here are some direct quotes from him:
“See here. This shoulda had some caulk on it right off the bat.”
“Look at this. The caulk’s not wide enough.”
“There are different sizes of caulk. You have to have the right size for each area.”
“Caulk comes in different colors, too.”
Are you saying "That’s What She Said" after each of these?
In the end, Gary was a lousy painter. So I sent him on his way after the original job was completed.
But he did leave me with some parting words of wisdom which I feel compelled to pass along to all my bloggy buddies. Consider it my gift to the Blogosphere.
"Always remember, wherever there’s a crack, you need caulk."
Bahaha! How could you even listen to him without laughing?
Fabulous guest post Tracie!
Is there a certain taste or texture to the caulk? What happens if you squeeze the caulk? If you dare put the caulk in your mouth, will it harm you?
HAHAHA That's what she said! That's one of my favorite!
Ah, nothing like an 8 inch (or more) caulk gun...
Gary is awesomeness at its finest. And he said it all with a straight face!
I kept thinking "that's what she said" before I even got to that line ;)
Hello. I found your blog via Tracie's blog. I am now following you. I hope you will come check me out at http://traci66.blogspot.com
I got the caulk under control. Thank you very much!
Wait, wait, before I read this, I better get this caulk out of my pants...hahahaha
And this is why I don't talk to 'the help'. The Husband thinks I'm rude.
Of course, most often The Husband IS 'the help'.
Oh, Tracie. You make the 15-year old boy in my heart smile.
I'm hoping you only encouraged it.
"So, Gary... does the caulk quality matter?"
"Now tell me about caulk thickness."
"Don't you hate it when your caulk gets chunky?"
Oh me, oh my!
I never realized there was so much about caulk to know!
Caulk is a funny word. The more I look at it, the more it looks misspelled. I hate that.
sorry, i can't hear you. somehow i got caulk in my ear.
OMG. Has Tracie written this on her blog before?
It is alarmingly familiar.
HA! I loved me some Tracie already, but this sealed the deal.
Anything I post will be taken as uber creepy. So I won't.
LOL I actually pronounce "caulk" like cawk. Now I'm thinking I'll start pronouncing cock that way too. ;)
Great words of wisdom!
hahah, yes, and i like having my crack filled with caulk
Perhaps Gary the PAINTER should have worried less about caulk and more about paint.
I think that men like caulk the word cuz it's funny and they are immature like that. Fart, balls and caulk are at the top of their lists.
Oh, you talk the caulk but can you walk the caulk? LOL.
LOL! Tracie, I need you in my for real life! You are a trip!
I would've giggled the whole time!
omg! ha ha! that's too funny.
ps i love tracie too!!
Tracie is awesome!! I was hoping she was going to write about all the sex she was having with her husband while the kids were away at grandma's though ;-)
Oh man! I've always pronounced caulk without the "l" - that explains the weird looks at Home Depot.
Gary's parting words - that there's every man's mantra. Too funny!
:) Love this one! Thanks for the laugh!
You see there are advantages to having a husband too busy to do these jobs - you get to meet such interesting characters as Gary and learn such worthwhile life lessons :-)
LOL... why is it men are obsessed with their, I mean caulk...
Damn funny! Loved it!
A seize for every crack? Ahew! How will I be able to handle all that caulk...
LOL! Caulk was never funnier!! Laughing "with" the caulk of course (-:
If I could capture Tracie's humor, I'd bottle it and sell it. We'd make millions, fo' shizzle!
Hmmm Crack and Chaulk .... Here hubs I have the solution when you bend over ... hehe :)
Love T she always can make me laugh! :)
OK, I do not pronounce the L in caulk either...or I should say I did not pronounce it and then the boys started making fun of my and my cauk/cock. So, now I make a BIG point about how I talk caulk.
oh, my ga! Now how am I ever going to say cawk again???
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