Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Me on my Pulpit

I moonlight as a Veterinary Technician. I work at a 24 hour animal emergency clinic. I love this job and if it could actually pay all of my bills I would do it full time. Alas, it does not pay my bills so I keep my meaningless and mundane job that I loath and settle for working with animals a couple times a week. Last night I was working the 6-midnight shift, which happens to be my favorite shift because that is always the time the really weird people come in with their animal emergencies.

Around 9pm last night, a man came in with his cat Gizmo. Since I was on outpatients, I was the first person to talk to the man. On first site I was already holding back the giggles. This man was in his late forties and he looked like Jon Lovitz with Einstein hair. When I asked why he brought Gizmo in, he proceeded to reveal to me his very serious mommy issues. The conversation went something like this:

Me: So why are we seeing Gizmo tonight?

Lovitz-Einstein: Well, I caught Gizmo licking some powdered sugar off of my pancakes this afternoon, so I called my mom and she told me that powdered sugar is bad for cats.

Me: Is your mom a veterinarian?

Lovitz-Einstein: No, she just knows everything.

Me: So did your mom tell you to bring her here?

Lovitz-Einstein: No, she told me I should make Gizmo vomit by giving her salt water.

Me (trying really hard not to roll my eyes): And I'm guessing the salt water made her vomit and now she can't stop.

Lovitz-Einstein: Yes. How did you know that?

Me (actually rolling my eyes this time): Because I work in the veterinary field and actually know a thing or two about what is and isn't good for cats. Powdered sugar is okay for cats to eat. We don't recommend it, but it won't hurt the cat. Salt is bad for cats and can cause extreme vomiting and elevating sodium levels in the bloodstream can lead to all sorts of problems.

Lovitz-Einstein: No, you're wrong. My mom said it was okay and she knows what she's talking about. Gizmo has to be vomiting for a different reason, probably because of all the powdered sugar.

Me: Okay, you can believe what you want to believe, but we're going to have to hospitalize Gizmo for around the clock treatment and you're probably going to be looking at a $1000 estimate.

Lovitz-Einstein: What? I'm gonna have to call my mom to see what she thinks before we do anything.

Me: I understand you are upset about what happened to Gizmo, but if you want Gizmo to get better we're going to have to treat her whether or not your mom thinks it's a good idea.

Lovitz-Einstein: Listen lady, my mom is right about everything. She was right about my job and right about my ex-wife! I know she's right about this!

Me: (well this is where I lose all composure and starting laughing)

Lovitz-Einstein: Oh, are you gonna take my ex-wife's side and blame my mom for the divorce?
Me (between breaths of laughter): All I am here to do it make sure Gizmo gets well.

In the end, Lovitz-Einstein decided to treat Gizmo because his mom said it would be a good idea. I am sure the ex-wife is happier now that she no longer has to deal with his mom and her baby.

The moral of the story is two-fold. Always call your veterinarian before you decided to make your cat sick for no reason and stay away from men with mommy issues as severe as this.