Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Humpity Hump

Last night Leland and I were laying in bed, discussing sex. Really, it actually is all we talk about anymore. As of today, with the new year of sex, we are 15 times behind.

Leland blames me for this.

I can hardly blame him. I am the one who bleeds from my vagina for 5 days every month. And as it turns out, this month I have a cold sore on my lip and am bleeding from my vagina at the exact same time.

So I am pretty much useless.

Leland tells me I need to get a stunt double.

Apparently if I had a stunt double, banging out 700 times will be easy. Since he is always ready to go, and I seem to be the person in the mix who keeps setting us behind, obviously a stunt double is necessary.

We all remember last year’s great failure. We all remember the precious time we lost because I just had to go rollerblading. We all remember the yeast infection in my butthole (oh, you forgot about that? You were trying to erase that from your memory? Never fear, I will always be here to help you remember things you subliminally blocked from your memory). And I was the one who got lazy at the end of the year and just decided to stop trying. Leland, however, never got tired of it. He never had anything happen that kept him from performing. Leland is ready to have sex 700 times in one year, and then also be some other guy’s stunt double for the same exercise.

Leland has very few requirements for my stunt double. Or cunt double, if you will.

She must be a she.

She must be disease free.

She must not be on the same menstruation cycle as me.

And she must be willing to spread her legs whenever HE is ready and able.

Oh, and she must do this for free, because we are broke and cannot afford to pay her.

Sounds like a sweet deal, right?

(Is this too much? Am I taking this too far? No? Then let’s go further)


If only there was some girl out there whose main goal in life was to be my stunt double. It would make my life a whole lot easier. And it might give me time to read a few good books this year.


Just Jen said...

We need a picture of said Man-Whore to decide.

flask said...

it's tempting.

Coffeypot said...

I'm not in the running, but define sex. Does hand jobs count? You could do it as needed during those 'Out of Order' times. You could even break the 700 goal. Slap in some porn, grab a hand full pump away while holding a book with the other hand.

Intense Guy said...

Oh thank god I'm a guy...

laffs@coffeypot - but awaits the "verdict" from the judges.


McVal said...

Hmmm - I somehow think this isn't really the best idea... I'm thinking it was a guy who dreamt up this 700 times a year thing and he was probably a polygamist...

Anonymous said...

I like Val's comment. Also, The Cunt Double sounds like a porno.

Liz Mays said...

I would sooner die than try to make the number you're trying to make. I am simply not capable.

Vodka Logic said...

I certainly hope you are kidding... or Leland is.. certainly love must be involved somewhere. xx

I would never make it to 700 but I would love to try..*nudges husband who is sound asleep*

Dual Mom said...

I think coffeypot is on to something. You need to reevaluate your definition of sex.

You could read and do the whole handjob thing at the same time. Two birds - one stone. Hahahah I slay me!

Bird Shit said...

I thought you would never ask!!!

Dee said...

ROFL Hilarious. Some too!

Carma Sez said...

I don't know - there don't seem to be as many perks on our end if no cash is exchanged. You may want to try Craigslist though.

adrienzgirl said...

I agree with Coffey. Tell Leland he is no Bill Clinton, and Clinton's definition of sex, or non-sex, if you will, is not to be used in your home.

BDC would say, as he often does, about the bleeding thing, "Your mouth ain't broke."

Macey said...

I was going to say that maybe you need a Sister Wife!!

Anonymous said...


Best idea ever!

Although, if you spend any time with her at all, your periods will sync up and it will be tough shit. LOL!

Sara said...

This is me.

I mean, I couldn't rightly volunteer my services because I'm inconveniently located and, let's face it, I'm high-maintenance (not "When Harry Met Sally" high-maintenance, but high-maintenance nonetheless).

Also, I think it would help if this Cunt Double were dumber than a bucket of caterpillars.

Sadly, I'm only dumber than hair, so I think I just disqualified myself.