Saturday Morning at the DMV

You know where I consider to be the most fun place in the world?

The DMV.

I love it there.

It always makes me warm and fuzzy inside.

You know that warm and fuzzy feeling you get right before you throw up?

That’s the feeling I’m talking about. It’s awesome. The perfect way to spend a Saturday morning.

A few months ago I was actually lucky enough to get to spend my Saturday morning at the DMV. I had lost my drivers license, and after looking for it for days, I decided the best thing to do was haul my ass to the DMV and get a new one. It made me nervous driving around without a license so I decided to give up the search for the old one and let myself experience the paradise that is the DMV.

When I walked in I headed straight to the info booth. I had a few forms of identification on me and I wanted to be sure it was enough to get a new license. A woman and a very old man were standing behind the booth. The woman was wearing a beautiful scowl on her face.

Awesome, I though to myself. She looks like she can’t wait to help me. My presence is probably making her day.

Our interaction when something like this:

“Hi, I need to get a new license. What do I need to do in order to make that happen?” I asked.

“What’s wrong with the license you have?” wonderfully nice lady asked.

“I lost it,” I replied.

“You lost it because you were being careless and stupid?” super sweet woman asked.

“No, I just lost it,” I said.

This is where the pleasant woman shows just how nice (and smart) she is:

“A driver’s license isn’t something you can just throw away. It needs to be respected. It is a federal document and you people think you can just come in here and get a new one whenever you want it. Well it’s not happening on my watch.”

And this is where I start to lose my cool:

“You think I’m careless and stupid? Well a driver’s license is not a federal document. It’s a state document. And yes, I think I can get a new one whenever I want because it is my right as a valid license holder. You may not want to tell me what I need to get a new license, but somebody in this building will.”

And then the nice lady starts yelling.

“YOU CAN’T JUST COME IN HERE AND TELL ME THAT I AM STUPID! THERE ARE SIGNS EVERYWHERE TELLING YOU THAT YOU NEED TO RESPECT THE EMPLOYEES OR YOU WILL BE ASKED TO LEAVE. WELL I AM ASKING YOU TO LEAVE.”

Finally the old man standing next to her decides to say something.

“Linda, you are out of line and the one who was being rude first. Do you mean to tell me that you have never lost anything in your life? Because right now it looks like you have lost your mind. You really need to settle down.”

After that the nice old man told me I had everything I needed to get a license and sent me in the right direction. Linda just stood there, scowling as usual. I couldn’t help but look at her and smile and wink.