Proceed With Caution. Really.

As promised…

During the whole “Alyson has a torn vagina” fiasco, Leland was getting fairly sexually frustrated. Can you blame him? He had a wife that didn’t put out. That’s enough to drive any man crazy. It was driving me crazy too, but mostly because not only could I not have sex, I had to listen to Leland complain about it on a daily basis. Sometimes I actually had to hear about it on an hourly basis. You can imagine how much fun this was for me. He was the one complaining?

I was the one with the torn vagina.

Shouldn’t I have been the one complaining?

And shouldn’t he have been more understanding?

Oh, I’m sorry, I seemed to have forgotten for a second that Leland is a man and thinks with this dick. My mistake.

Being a dutiful wife (insert sarcasm here), I did whatever I could to fulfill Leland’s sexual needs, short of letting him put it in my ass. I gave him blowies, let him come on my tits or my ass, even turned the pages of his favorite girl-on-girl porn magazine has he jerked one off. I really tried to make him happy.

After one particularly annoying day dealing with Leland’s complaining, I decided I was going to give him the BEST BLOW JOB EVER. Maybe, just maybe, it would shut him up for a little while. That night we made dinner, snuggled on the couch, had a few glasses of boxed sangria and then went upstairs to go to bed. I put on some moves, Leland got excited, and I proceeded with the aforementioned blowie. I was doing my best to make it the best blow job ever and Leland was appreciating all of my hard work. He was so in to it that he actually broke my number one blow job rule and put his hand on my head and pushed his dick deeper into my throat.

I hate it when he does that. I am the one giving the BJ, I know what I am doing and he really just needs to put his hands elsewhere. But it was the best blow job ever, so I forgave him for forgetting my most important rule.

However, when I pulled back, I felt a little rumble in my stomach. This didn’t surprise me because I had just been gagged with a dick, and has happened before without turning into anything. I just kept going. My stomach was getting a little worse and I thought about stopping, but just as I was going to take his dick out of my mouth, Leland said he was about to come.

Don’t give up now, I told myself, just a little longer and Leland will be happy you gave him the best blow job ever. After that I really don’t know what happened. Maybe it was the warm gush into my mouth or maybe my stomach was angrier than I thought, but just as Leland was squirting into my mouth, the sangria was coming out.

ALL OVER LELAND AND ALL OVER THE BED.

Leland didn’t seem to care that I made a very red, sticky, smelly mess all over the bed, and why should he? He just got the best blow job ever. I, on the other hand, just threw up all over the bed and had to clean it up while Leland just sat there in a state of ecstasy.

Seems a little unfair to me.