Wednesday, December 23, 2009

The Real Reason Santa Wears Red

Leland and I are a one car family so I drop him off at work before I head to work and pick him up on my way home. He works only a few minutes from home, so it’s not out of the way at all. Today Leland wanted to be able to leave work early, so he drove me instead.

I always enjoy it when Leland drives me to work. That extra time together in the morning always perks me up and leaves me in a good mood. On the ride this morning, Leland and I started talking about Santa and how parents aren’t afraid to use Santa as a threat to their kids.

You better be good, Santa is watching.

If you keep misbehaving I am going to call Santa and tell him you were bad.

Only good little kids get presents from Santa.

Watching these threats work on my nephew, Leland wondered why parents don’t use this threat year-round.

Trying to explain to him that young children don’t see that far into the future, he still insisted that it was a good idea.

“Here’s how it would work,” Leland said. “At first you could threatened your child by saying that Santa is watching and if he continues to be bad that Santa won’t come to their house this year. If the child is still bad, then tell them that Santa won’t come the following year either. If that still doesn’t work, let them know that Santa will now be taking back gifts he already bought them. At this point though, kids will probably not care anymore about gifts, so you may have to tell them that if the bad behavior still continues, that Santa will come and beat them in their sleep, which is the real reason Santa’s suit is red. It’s covered in the blood of bad children. And if you want to be really extreme (like that isn’t extreme enough), you could tell them that Rudolph’s nose is red because when Santa is done beating them in their sleep, Rudolph comes in and guts them with his nose and antlers.”

That, my friends, is Leland’s idea for parenting. I guess my kids are going to be pretty fucked up, huh?

And it doesn’t even end there.

“We could even change the lyrics of Christmas songs to let the kids know that Santa should not be messed with,” Leland said.

“So you think it is a good idea to vilify Santa?” I asked.

“Sure because I know I wouldn't want to mess with someone who beats kids in their sleep and uses his pets to rip their guts out,” Leland said.

Fair enough.

So Leland started singing:

You better not shout,
You better not cry,
You better not pout
Or he’ll punch you in the eye
Santa Claus is gonna beat you down.

He knows when you’ve been sleeping,
He knows when you’re awake,
He knows when you’ve been bad or good,
If you’re bad your nose he’ll break.

Merry Christmas everyone! Have a fun, safe and happy holiday!

***Just in case you were wondering, Leland and I are both AGAINST beating children. I see how you might have been confused by this post***


Anonymous said...

lol lol that's horrible but hilarious! I remember my uncle would call our house, When I was older I'd pick up and say hello, and get back, "Hi Santa, Cody is being really bad so I don't think you should come this year..." followed by a BAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH in the background! lol hilarious

Anonymous said...

I say you're ready for babies! LOL!

Aubrey said...

Your husband is a character =)

Intense Guy said...


No wonder you have nightmares. :)

Leland, if bad-dude Santa don't work, there is the carrot approach too, at least for the boys...

Yeah, the world peace through naked women thing... "If you are good, a naked woman will sit next to you at school, on the bus... ect.."


Carma Sez said...

start saving now - for the shrink bills for the little ones ;-)

Working Mommy said...

LOL!!! I love this post - what a great song rendition! Merry Christmas!



Haaa! If my little guy turns out to be especially naughty, I may have to employ this tactic.

Have a great Christmas!

Anonymous said...

When you have kids you'll really see what parents go through, they think up threats for the kids all the time, to avoid hitting them!

Vodka Logic said...

Man where was this advice when my kids were little... you are going to be perfect parents and fuck up your kids like the rest of us do.

Merry Christmas xx

yellowdoggranny said...

I think I love Leland...he'd make a great redneck...

Tracie said...

He doesn't have a patent on that song, does he? Cuz I am singing it to my kids tonight.

LC @ Old House Now said...

hahahahaha.. that is AWESOME. your hubs cracks. me. up.

Mandy said...

Well, I think Leland has the makings of a possible movie script. He could work with the makers of Saw. I bet Rob Zombie would love it too. ;-) What will he think of next? The Tooth Fairy is gonna knock your teeth out if you don't eat those veggies kiddies? hahahah! Merry Christmas to you both! May your noses be fully in tact and your writing hand in full throttle for this coming year - can't wait to see/read what you'll come up with next!

Duchess of Tea said...

I wish you a marvelous year full of good health, happiness, prosperity and blessings.

Love & Hugs

Kim said...

I seriously love it! Love it! In a way where I would never actually do it, but seriously it's hilarious! I can just see the parent-teacher conferences now! lol. Looks like it's time for you guys to start popping babies out, now that you've got this whole discipline thing figured out! :)

Stephanie Faris said...

A mafia version of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town!" If you think about it, the original song is a little threatening itself, actually.

Intense Guy said...

Happy New Year!!

Honey Bee said...

hahahahahahah that's too funny!
Anything to make the annoying kids stop whining.