The Real Reason Santa Wears Red

Leland and I are a one car family so I drop him off at work before I head to work and pick him up on my way home. He works only a few minutes from home, so it’s not out of the way at all. Today Leland wanted to be able to leave work early, so he drove me instead.

I always enjoy it when Leland drives me to work. That extra time together in the morning always perks me up and leaves me in a good mood. On the ride this morning, Leland and I started talking about Santa and how parents aren’t afraid to use Santa as a threat to their kids.

You better be good, Santa is watching.

If you keep misbehaving I am going to call Santa and tell him you were bad.

Only good little kids get presents from Santa.

Watching these threats work on my nephew, Leland wondered why parents don’t use this threat year-round.

Trying to explain to him that young children don’t see that far into the future, he still insisted that it was a good idea.

“Here’s how it would work,” Leland said. “At first you could threatened your child by saying that Santa is watching and if he continues to be bad that Santa won’t come to their house this year. If the child is still bad, then tell them that Santa won’t come the following year either. If that still doesn’t work, let them know that Santa will now be taking back gifts he already bought them. At this point though, kids will probably not care anymore about gifts, so you may have to tell them that if the bad behavior still continues, that Santa will come and beat them in their sleep, which is the real reason Santa’s suit is red. It’s covered in the blood of bad children. And if you want to be really extreme (like that isn’t extreme enough), you could tell them that Rudolph’s nose is red because when Santa is done beating them in their sleep, Rudolph comes in and guts them with his nose and antlers.”

That, my friends, is Leland’s idea for parenting. I guess my kids are going to be pretty fucked up, huh?

And it doesn’t even end there.

“We could even change the lyrics of Christmas songs to let the kids know that Santa should not be messed with,” Leland said.

“So you think it is a good idea to vilify Santa?” I asked.

“Sure because I know I wouldn't want to mess with someone who beats kids in their sleep and uses his pets to rip their guts out,” Leland said.

Fair enough.

So Leland started singing:

You better not shout,
You better not cry,
You better not pout
Or he’ll punch you in the eye
Santa Claus is gonna beat you down.

He knows when you’ve been sleeping,
He knows when you’re awake,
He knows when you’ve been bad or good,
If you’re bad your nose he’ll break.

Merry Christmas everyone! Have a fun, safe and happy holiday!

***Just in case you were wondering, Leland and I are both AGAINST beating children. I see how you might have been confused by this post***