Friday, February 12, 2010

A Valentine's Day Sex Story

A new blog carnival has been posted by Elizabeth at Confessions From a Working Mom. The assignment was to tell people of your top three Valentine's Day stories. Here is my Top 3 Thursday, the Friday edition. Since I don’t really have 3 Valentine’s Day stories worth sharing, I am only going to share one.

Come back in time with me for a little while….

Valentine’s Day, February 2003

Leland and I had been dating for a few months and this was our first Valentine’s Day together so I wanted to have some alone time. The problem? We were both living with our parents. So I did what any horny 22 year old would do: I bought them a gift certificate to a restaurant and sent them out to dinner.

I planned a meal to make for Leland, and for the life of me I can’t remember what I made except for french onion soup. I know, who makes a romantic dinner with onions? But Leland loves french onion soup so I made it for the very first time that night.

I set the table with a red table cloth, sprinkled heart confetti on the table, and lit some candles. When I was done making dinner I put on a sexy dress I borrowed from my sister that barely covered my ass and waited for Leland’s arrival.

We sat down to eat dinner, and to be honest, it was a little uncomfortable. I am sure you all know that Leland and I are not the romantic type. The food was decent, except for the french onion soup. I followed the directions to the letter and it still tasted like smelly feet. So not romantic. Leland ate it anyway to make me happy.

After dinner we put the food away and then immediately Leland started putting on the moves. So we had sex. Lots and lots of sex all over my parent’s kitchen. We were on the sink, the counter, the stove, up against the wall and even on the floor. It seemed Leland cared less about the dinner and more about removing the slutty dress I borrowed from my sister. After we had worn out the kitchen, we went to my bedroom that was located in the basement.

A little while later we heard my parents come home. We stayed in bed for a few minutes, deciding when would be a good time to go upstairs and say hello to my parents because we didn’t want them to think we were having sex. At this point my parents still thought I was saving myself for marriage. I really didn’t feel like bursting that bubble for them on that night.

Seconds later Leland shot up in bed and frantically started getting dressed.

“What’s the hurry?” I asked.

“Your parents are home and we left condom wrappers all over the kitchen,” Leland said.

At this point I was on my feet, trying to find the clothes my parents had seen me in before they left. I wasn’t sure where we had left all of the condom wrappers, but was pretty sure there were at least two on the table.

The table that had a red table cloth on it.

A red table cloth that would make the condom wrappers impossible to miss.

And my parents always came in the house through the back door the led directly into the kitchen.

We both got dressed in lightening time and booked our asses upstairs. Somehow in the short amount of time we decided that I would talk to my parents and try to distract them from the kitchen as Leland gathered all of the evidence.

By the time we got upstairs, both of my parents were sitting in the living room. They were surprisingly calm. They told me about their dinner, said they had a nice time, and then asked how our night was. I wasn’t sure if my mom was trying to set me up to be caught, or if they really didn’t see the mess we left behind. I said it was nice, we had fun, and that Leland was cleaning up the kitchen as we spoke. My parents both got up to say hello to Leland and walked in the kitchen as he was shoving the last wrapper in his pocket.

Then they decided we should all have a drink together, which was a great idea because at that point I really needed something strong to take the edge off.

To this day I have no idea if my parents saw the mess. And since my mom doesn’t read my blogs with the words “sex” or “BJ” in the title (thank goddess), I won’t find out now either.

And that is totally okay with me.

In other business, the winners of my 100 follower giveaway have been drawn! The winners are Cathy at Antsy Pants, Tracy at Iced Karma Coffee, and Sarah at The Anti-Journalist. Please send me an email with your address so I know where to send the gift card you have chosen! Thanks to everyone for participating!


Dual Mom said...

Ahahahahah you're such a slut! kidding....

I bet they saw them, with a 22 year old daughter, what are they going to say/do?

Carma Sez said...

I was totally stressed out for ya as I was reading this post. Glad to hear disaster did not ensue.

Hope you both have another "romantic" Valentine's day this year :D

Intense Guy said...

I bet they saw them too. But sounds like it didn't matter - and your parents have some sense - emough to just be quiet.


McVal said...

Boy or boy! If my mom saw the word sex in the title, she'd be right there reading it so I could get a lecture later. Even at 43!
But fortunately for me, she can never remember how to get to my blog... but my sisters do and they're blabbers. So I watch myself...
Funny story! Reminds me of SonyaAnn's A Mom Money and more's Wicked Wednesday last week.

Cathy said...

OMG that is the craziest story I've heard in a loooong time. You are brave to have sex in your parents kitchen(not saying I've not done it, but they were out of town...not just out to dinner). I am so curious if they saw the evidence or not. Even so they probably smelled the "sex" smell all over the house...don't tell me you don't know what I'm talking about.

How lovely of Leland to eat your foot soup. True love right there.


aladdinsane12 said...

oh my god i would FREAK out! i have a feeling they saw it...but i think they handled it exactly the way i would handle it- by not saying anything! at least they know you were being safe :)

and i thought you were going to tell that other story you told me at dinner recently- you must have lots of hilarious sex stories!

Organic Meatbag said...

You kwazy kids, with all of your sex and prophylactics!! Hahaha

Mommy Boots (formerly KarmaPearl) said...

I am sitting here with my mouth open and covering it with my hand so my laughing doesn't wake up my sleeping hubby.

Closest we ever got to being caught was when my hubby had tied me up in his bedroom in his parents house, and they needed help setting up their TV.. So they shouted down the stairs and the butthole LEFT ME THERE, TIED TO THE BED while he helped them.


I could've killed him.

Confessions From A Work-At-Home Mom said...

I am so glad you linked this up-- I cannot tell you how much I love the "spice" you add to my blog!

About your "teacher" job-- I am glad you'd focus on grammar and proper use of the English language. No one knows how to speak it anymore!

Confessions From A Working Mom

Unknown said...

My heart was pounding when I read your post! I was sure you were caught, dirty girl. :o)

Gucci Mama said...

At least they didn't come home earlier. There would have been worse things than just wrappers to find, ahem. ;)

Sarah Beth said...

Ha. I do love a good "we got caught story". lol.

Tracie said...

OMG! My mouth dropped open when he said you guys left condom wrappers all over the kitchen. I'm sure your parents saw. Maybe they were soothed by the fact that you weren't going to get knocked up.


you are so of the reasons why i like you so much

Duchess of Tea said...

Darling, wishing you a lovely weekend and a love filled Valentine’s Day.

Love & Hugs

Anything Fits A Naked Man said...

That...was...AWESOME!!!! I have this fantastic mental picture of the two of you dressing in record time and your parents calmly sitting in the living room! Classic!

Thanks for sharing this, it gave me a smile! And thanks for once again stopping by and commenting on my blog, I really appreciate it!!

Kim said...

OMG that is freaking hilarious! lol...seriously! At least Leland thought about the condom wrappers! I don't know what would have been worse that night knowing that they caught you or spending the rest of the night wondering if that had! Valentine's story ever! And sex all over your parent's kitchen, you dirty girl you! :P

Tracy said...

ahhh, thank you for the gift! I am truly suprised! I will send my e-mail addy.

AND I know what you mean, husband and I had an incident much like this, lol, and my father was decent enough to not ever let on to knowing, which, in retrospect, I am sure he did.

Tracy said...

oh, guess you have my e-mail, right, lol...

Anonymous said...

When i was 17 a boy I dated once spray painted the top of my old white Oldsmobile with red paint on Valentines Day "I love you", then My father sptayed over it with a lot of white paint. The kid never showed his face after that, we saw him do it.


Tracy said...

oh, and yes, I stand corrected, an SUV doesn't scream soccer, kids, dance lessons, grocery shopping like a mini van any day!

Melissa B. said...

Some day I'll have to write a post about the day my Mom found a pair of Mr. Fairway's undies in the sleeper sofa...

Kelly Loy Gilbert said...

Oh my goodness, that is MORTIFYING! So glad you didn't end up having to have 'the talk.'

Anonymous said...

OH that was too funny! What a great idea to send your folks out to dinner !

Holly Lefevre said...

Oh that story was great!

Miss. Ardeth Blood said...

Brave, very brave.
Still better then anything I have ever done on any Valentines, ever.

Katinka said...

Stopping by from SITS and wishing you a great week!

Siren said...

yeah leland left them there on accident, it would be just like him to do it just to get a rise out of your mom!

Confessions From A Work-At-Home Mom said...

LOL, you were so right about grandmothers... they are competitive. Even my mom, who didn't have a competitive bone in her body until G was born. Now, she's like Rocky in the ring!

Confessions From A Working Mom

mimi said...

Now, Yankee Girl, don't think your parents didn't know what goes on in their house. After all, you weren't a teenager, we were just a roof over your head until you went on your own. And we didn't see the condom pkg.


oh em gee - i would lose my mind if i thought for an instant my mom read my blog at ALL - let alone the posts with SEX and/or BJ in them.

for the love of God people

Anonymous said...

That is such a great story! I hope that you had a great Valentine's day this year too! I agree with CATHY though. That sex smell is hard to miss!

Mandy said...

Yikes and Hilarious at the same time! Aaaah, the memories you can tell your own children when they are 22 and get caught with their own red table cloth.... ;-)

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