Raw and Honest

Two weeks ago Siren came to visit and took me to several doctors appointments. I had multiple blood tests done, and listened as each doctor told me that everything came back normal. Medically speaking, there is nothing wrong with me.

Then I visited with a natural health specialist who pretty much slapped me in the face. He told me that I have no energy, am not sleeping well, have dry skin, am experiencing hair loss, along with all of my other symptoms all because I am overweight. Actually, I am considered obese.

That is a hard pill to swallow.

I did this to myself.

I have been gaining weight for the past 4 years, and for some reason, I never did anything about it. I would try to lose weight by eating right and going to the gym, but after a few weeks without any results I would just give up. That’s right I gave up. I have never been a quitter. When did I become one? I was once tenacious. I would fight for what I wanted. Work hard. Look any challenge dead in the face and overcome. When did I lose that person? Why?

In difficult situations, most people tell you what you want to hear. Siren is not one of those people. After meeting with the natural health specialist, she beat the shit out of me with her words, broke me down, and made me see what I was doing to myself, my husband and our relationship. She is probably the only person who could have gotten away with talking to me the way she did. If it was anyone else I would have told them to mind their own business, or told them they didn’t know what they were talking about. But with her I had no choice but to listen. I had to listen. For the sake of myself, my husband, and our relationship.

When Leland and I first started dating, we were a strong force. People didn’t understand how we fit together but we didn’t care. We loved each other, were having so much fun together and were working hard to make our lives better. We were moving in the same direction. We were ignoring boundaries and doing whatever we needed to do to maintain our happy lifestyle. We wanted better for ourselves and were going to get it no matter what. Then somewhere along the way I stopped moving.

I literally stopped moving.

After work I would come home and sit on the couch. I didn’t want to do anything on the weekends. I didn’t want to go out. We would have people over on most Friday or Saturday nights, but I wouldn’t go anywhere. If Leland wanted to see live music, I would send him with a friend. While Leland worked his ass of during the week at work, and then at band practice, I would do nothing. I wouldn’t even cook. Or clean. I somehow went from being a mover and a shaker to being a mope-a-lope.

The sad thing is I didn’t even see it.

Yes, I noticed the weight gain. But I ignored it. I made excuses for it. I refused to see that I was becoming someone I didn’t want to be. While I stopped moving, Leland kept forging ahead. We aren’t the strong force we used to be anymore. We aren’t working together to make our lives better. Leland is working and I am sitting here, doing nothing.

While I have been complaining about not feeling well, being tired all the time, having headaches, joint pain, gaining weight, I have done nothing but complain about it. Not once in the past 4 years have I taken control over what has happened to me and fixed it.

I cannot, and will not, sit around anymore.

I want Leland and I to be the unstoppable couple we once were. I want Leland to look at me and see the spitfire he met 7 years ago. I want to lose the 70 pounds I gained and feel better about myself. I want to be able to go up a flight of stairs without becoming winded. I want to work hard to make my life better. I want to move in a forward direction again. I want to know that I am doing everything possible to find myself again.

That being said, I have started to take action. I have gotten myself off the couch. I make myself work out. I do my hair. And on really good days I may even put on makeup. All of these things make me feel better about myself and make me feel like I am doing something. But it’s not enough. For me to be the person I once was, I need to do something for myself, other than losing weight and getting healthy. I need a hobby, something that is just mine to work towards.


So National Novel Writing Month is coming at the perfect time for me. I have wanted to be a writer for quite awhile, but in the midst of me losing myself, I also lost the urge to write. Though I am out of practice, I am participating in NaNoWriMo this year. In 11 days I will start writing my first novel. And per the NaNoWriMo challenge, I will have written 50,000 words by November 30th. I am so excited. Last night I decided what I am going to be writing and I am anxious to get started. It has been a long time since I have been excited about something. It has been a long time since I have smiled to myself just from thinking about something I am doing or have done.

So this is my new plan. I am taking my life back. I am taking control of my health. I am taking control of my happiness.