I was bored at work last week and I decided to write a holiday letter to include with my Christmas cards. I have never written a holiday letter, and never though I would actually be the holiday letter writing type, but boredom often leads me to doing things that are a little out of character.
And since I haven't done much blogging lately, I thought I would post it for all of you to read. Enjoy!
Well friends and family, it has been a hell of a year.
We are not too sad to see this one go, because like I just said, it has been a hell of a year. But in the season of merriment and joy, and because our lives are oh so interesting, I have decided to give you a top ten list of cool/fun/really-annoying-things-that-we-laugh-about-now that happened in the past year.
Are you ready for it?
Are you sure?
Because it is going to rock your world.
Alyson and Leland’s Top Ten List of Fansmashingtastically Awesome Things That Took Place in 2010:
10. I had a battle with the US Census Bureau. You see, it apparently wasn’t enough for them to count our house once. They had to keep coming back. And calling. So I refused to talk to them, ordered workers off my front porch, gave a ton of wrong information. I am certain that my determination to not be bothered kept census workers in my area working for longer. You know, I did whatever I could to stimulate the economy.
9. Dwight Schrute found a place in our hearts. He is part of the family now. We just cannot live without him.
8. Leland made dreams come true and performed Body Talk by Ratt live onstage for my birthday.
7. We both wrote books that are funny and absolutely ridiculous that everyone should read but will probably never be published.
6. We have discovered our mutual love for bad Channing Tatum movies, which would be all Channing Tatum movies. Who could resist his cheesiness and stupid, brooding look?
5. Leland fell in love with someone else. Actually, he fell in love with two someone else’s. Hall and Oates. He plays and/or sings Kiss on my List at least once a week.
4. I peed on Leland. For real. It was medical advice given to us by Madonna. We were just trying to get rid of a rash. Too bad it didn’t work.
3. We saved a dog from the sad life that is living at a truck stop in Arkansas. Shorty came to us skinny, full of ticks, limping because he had a broken hip, and was the object of target practice and had a bullet in his leg. Now he is overfed, flea and tick free, all fixed up and living with our friend Joe and annoying the hell out of him.
2. I broke my pelvis. Because I rarely do things half-assed, I didn’t just break my pelvis, I broke it in two places. Unable to walk for four weeks, I just lounged on the couch and reignited my love for Boy Meets World.
1. Leland cut the head off a dead squirrel and hung the head from the basketball hoop in our driveway. It was quite the summertime conversation piece. That skull is now sitting in our hallway as part of Leland’s death shrine.
So there you have it. I told you it would rock your world!
Let’s raise a glass and toast to having a fabulous Christmas and a spectacular 2011!
Monday, December 13, 2010
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
HDH --Fluff Girl Style
If you want to know what this is about click here.
Remember a long time ago when we first started this adventure and I told you all about Leland’s random boners?
Remember how I told you he gets a ton of random boners every day?
I thought that nine months into the experiment that he would start settling down some. I thought that maybe he wouldn’t be so horny all the time. I thought that having sex would quench his thirst.
Boy was I wrong.
Though are sex life may be boring –it’s just a lot of banging it out and blow jobs –he is never bored. He wants it all the time. I don’t even have to bring out my skills as a fluff girl to get him going. It seems my previous job as a fluff girl was a waste since I don’t have to use it in my relationship.
Yes, you read that right. Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, I was a fluff girl.
For those of you who don’t know what a fluff girl is, she is a girl in porn who keeps the men stimulated when they are off camera. She keeps them up so they are ready to plow whenever needed.
Ok, so maybe I wasn’t actually a fluff girl….but I sort of did the same thing…
…but for dogs.
Please don’t call PETA on me. I know the dogs liked it. I was a very good doggie fluff girl.
Are you scared yet? I know this sounds so terrible.
Let me explain. When I was in college I worked at an animal hospital. The doctors I worked with were reproduction specialists so I helped with all sorts of weird things that normal people would never admit to doing all over the internet. But very few people have ever called me normal. The weirdest thing I ever had to do was fluff dogs and then jerk them off.
(I cannot believe I am writing this right now!)
I would drench a towel in some pheromone smelling stuff, tie it around my waist so it was covering my ass, and then I would dance around for the male dog until he was “turned on.” Or as we call it in the animal world “his lipstick was out.” When he was ready to go I would give him a handie and collect the sample.
I can’t believe I just admitted to giving dogs handies. That is all kinds of gross.
Anyboner, Leland is much easier to turn on than most dogs. All I really have to do is walk in the room. Sometimes I don’t even have to do that. I often get texts from him telling me that he is masturbating in the bathroom at work thinking about me. He loves to masturbate at work --I think because it’s his way of fucking his company.
You see? We are having way more sex than anyone else I know and he STILL masturbates all the time. Whenever I complain about his sex drive and tell him he needs to bring it down a notch, he always feels the need to remind me that I created the monster and that his crazy horniness is all my fault.
Maybe this weekend I will actually have to give him a reason to be horny. I think it’s about time I replace the pheromone towel with some sexy heels and give Leland a dance of his own. Don’t worry, you know I will tell you all about that next week!
Monday, November 29, 2010
Thanksgiving Weekend Laziness
I just had a most spectacular weekend.
For the entire month of November, I have been a busy girl. Or I have been sick. There was little to no time that I spent doing nothing, just relaxing and enjoying time doing whatever the hell I felt like doing. I was in Austin for a quick weekend, which was a ton of fun, but also a pain in the ass as I got sick right after we arrived.
I was sick for a week after we got home. Though all I did when I was sick was sleep all day and night, I don’t really count it as not doing anything. And when I wasn’t sick, I was busy taking care of Leland, who was sick for three weeks this month. Yuck.
I was trying to do NaNoWriMo. I gave it a go, but ultimately failed. I tried pushing myself in the end, but I eventually realized that I just didn’t care if I finished or not. So I decided to stop worrying about making my word count and just wrote as much as I could. I was having a hard time feeling the material, but in the end it made me want to work on the book I wrote for last years NaNoWriMo. It’s a good exercise, but I just didn’t feel like pushing myself to finish this year.
But this past weekend everything came together and Leland and I were both healthy and had nothing planned. We slept in, shagged a lot, went out to dinner once, saw Love and Other Drugs (which is a great movie by the way), hung out with my family for Thanksgiving, drank 12 bottles of champagne, picked out a Christmas tree, decorated the tree and the house, moved the Harley into the dining room, and ate a lot.
Thanksgiving weekend is always my favorite weekend of the year because I purposely make sure to have no other plans except to celebrate Thanksgiving with my family. And for the other three days of the weekend I get to relax and enjoy the time with my husband. When I first started blogging I posted a top ten list of reasons Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. But at that point I didn’t have any readers, so here it is again.
Top Ten Reasons Thanksgiving is my Favorite Holiday
10. The four day weekend.
9. Mashed potatoes. They are my favorite kind of potatoes and I love to drown them in gravy.
8. It is the one weekend a year I let myself eat without feeling extremely guilty. I save the guilt for the Monday after.
7. Mimosas. I drink them all day long.
6. Green bean casserole. I just recently discovered that I like it and I can't wait to give myself a big helping.
5. Being lazy in the morning then going over to someone else's house and being lazy there.
4. Watching Leland bond with my dad and brother-in-law.
3. Mom's stuffing. She really should make it more often than once a year.
2. I love watching Santa Claus enter Harold Square in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade. Even at 29, this still makes me giddy with delight. I also love watching the Radio City Rockettes.
1. Having everyone I care about crammed into a small house, fighting for places to sit or stand, talking loudly because none of us wait for people to stop talking--we just get louder and louder-- drinking and eating and laughing. And then sleeping in the next day.
I hope everyone had a great weekend as well!
For the entire month of November, I have been a busy girl. Or I have been sick. There was little to no time that I spent doing nothing, just relaxing and enjoying time doing whatever the hell I felt like doing. I was in Austin for a quick weekend, which was a ton of fun, but also a pain in the ass as I got sick right after we arrived.
I was sick for a week after we got home. Though all I did when I was sick was sleep all day and night, I don’t really count it as not doing anything. And when I wasn’t sick, I was busy taking care of Leland, who was sick for three weeks this month. Yuck.
I was trying to do NaNoWriMo. I gave it a go, but ultimately failed. I tried pushing myself in the end, but I eventually realized that I just didn’t care if I finished or not. So I decided to stop worrying about making my word count and just wrote as much as I could. I was having a hard time feeling the material, but in the end it made me want to work on the book I wrote for last years NaNoWriMo. It’s a good exercise, but I just didn’t feel like pushing myself to finish this year.
But this past weekend everything came together and Leland and I were both healthy and had nothing planned. We slept in, shagged a lot, went out to dinner once, saw Love and Other Drugs (which is a great movie by the way), hung out with my family for Thanksgiving, drank 12 bottles of champagne, picked out a Christmas tree, decorated the tree and the house, moved the Harley into the dining room, and ate a lot.
Thanksgiving weekend is always my favorite weekend of the year because I purposely make sure to have no other plans except to celebrate Thanksgiving with my family. And for the other three days of the weekend I get to relax and enjoy the time with my husband. When I first started blogging I posted a top ten list of reasons Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. But at that point I didn’t have any readers, so here it is again.
Top Ten Reasons Thanksgiving is my Favorite Holiday
10. The four day weekend.
9. Mashed potatoes. They are my favorite kind of potatoes and I love to drown them in gravy.
8. It is the one weekend a year I let myself eat without feeling extremely guilty. I save the guilt for the Monday after.
7. Mimosas. I drink them all day long.
6. Green bean casserole. I just recently discovered that I like it and I can't wait to give myself a big helping.
5. Being lazy in the morning then going over to someone else's house and being lazy there.
4. Watching Leland bond with my dad and brother-in-law.
3. Mom's stuffing. She really should make it more often than once a year.
2. I love watching Santa Claus enter Harold Square in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade. Even at 29, this still makes me giddy with delight. I also love watching the Radio City Rockettes.
1. Having everyone I care about crammed into a small house, fighting for places to sit or stand, talking loudly because none of us wait for people to stop talking--we just get louder and louder-- drinking and eating and laughing. And then sleeping in the next day.
I hope everyone had a great weekend as well!
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
My Blue Spinel
This past weekend I went to the jewelry store where Leland got my engagement and wedding rings. A very good friend of mine has been bugging me for a long time to get my ring insured, and I figured three years was long enough to wait.
When I stopped in I told them I wanted my ring cleaned and also needed a written appraisal.
"Oh, by the way," I said, "my center stone feels a little loose. Can you check the prongs to make sure it is ok?"
The woman then took out the little eye magnifying thing and started looking at it.
"The prongs are fine but the reason your stone is loose is because it's broken," she said.
I immediately started feeling sick to my stomach. The stone on my wedding ring was broken, and like I just told you, I don't have it insured. The woman could tell I was freaking out so she went and got Tom, the store owner, to talk to me.
When Leland got my engagement ring, Tom broke the first stone when he was sizing the ring. So then he got a new stone super fast. Because of all of the drama surrounding my stone, my ring has become a sort of celebrity in the jewelry store. Everyone knows the story of my blue spinel stone. The spinel I broke was hand picked by Tom in Sri Lanka. I love my stone. I love having an obscure stone that very few people know about. I love how different the spinel looks in different lighting. I love everything about my ring.
I was having a mild panic attack when Tom was talking to me, telling me that the break is so bad that it won't fit correctly in my setting if he cuts it. He said the only thing I can do is get a new stone.
With my head in my hands and tears running down my face I said with a deep breath, "Ok, can you give me a rough estimate on a new stone?"
"Oh, I'll give you a new stone. I stand behind my stones so I'll replace it for you," Tom said.
That's right folks! My jeweler is so wonderful that he is getting a new spinel for my wedding ring for me FOR FREE.
I almost peed my pants when I heard those words come out of his mouth. Then he said he would give me my old stone back and even cut it to fit a different setting for me. Though I am still upset that my original stone is broken, it is so much easier to deal with knowing that I won't have to wait til I save enough money to buy a new one. And I get to keep the old one.
When I stopped in I told them I wanted my ring cleaned and also needed a written appraisal.
"Oh, by the way," I said, "my center stone feels a little loose. Can you check the prongs to make sure it is ok?"
The woman then took out the little eye magnifying thing and started looking at it.
"The prongs are fine but the reason your stone is loose is because it's broken," she said.
I immediately started feeling sick to my stomach. The stone on my wedding ring was broken, and like I just told you, I don't have it insured. The woman could tell I was freaking out so she went and got Tom, the store owner, to talk to me.
When Leland got my engagement ring, Tom broke the first stone when he was sizing the ring. So then he got a new stone super fast. Because of all of the drama surrounding my stone, my ring has become a sort of celebrity in the jewelry store. Everyone knows the story of my blue spinel stone. The spinel I broke was hand picked by Tom in Sri Lanka. I love my stone. I love having an obscure stone that very few people know about. I love how different the spinel looks in different lighting. I love everything about my ring.
I was having a mild panic attack when Tom was talking to me, telling me that the break is so bad that it won't fit correctly in my setting if he cuts it. He said the only thing I can do is get a new stone.
With my head in my hands and tears running down my face I said with a deep breath, "Ok, can you give me a rough estimate on a new stone?"
"Oh, I'll give you a new stone. I stand behind my stones so I'll replace it for you," Tom said.
That's right folks! My jeweler is so wonderful that he is getting a new spinel for my wedding ring for me FOR FREE.
I almost peed my pants when I heard those words come out of his mouth. Then he said he would give me my old stone back and even cut it to fit a different setting for me. Though I am still upset that my original stone is broken, it is so much easier to deal with knowing that I won't have to wait til I save enough money to buy a new one. And I get to keep the old one.
Poetry Slam with the Scholastic Scribe
Melissa at The Scholastic Scribe is hosting a poetry slam over at her place. I'm not really a poet (you'll see what I mean below) but I though I would join in the for day.
Here is my silly little sonnet* that I just wrote. Really, I wrote it in ten minutes, which is very evident by my silly little rhymes.
If I am remembering my Shakespeare correctly, he didn't name his sonnets, they were titled for the first line of the sonnet. So I guess that would mean the name of my sonnet is A snoring mister kept me up all night.
A snoring mister kept me up all night
Tossing and turning and snoring in bed
The lack of sleep as robbed me of my sprite
My eyes are heavy and itchy and red
though I’m complaining I’m actually fine
I’m worried for Leland who has a bad cold
vacations with a cold sound like a crime
he needs to kick this cellular slime mold
He has taken lots of vitamin C
to prepare for the long flight down south
and enjoy the fun weekend potpourri
hopefully he’ll stop breathing through his mouth
Leland is sick and I am tired
Being healthy is simply required
*This is what happens when I get 1.5 hours of sleep. Please forgive me for making you read this!
Here is my silly little sonnet* that I just wrote. Really, I wrote it in ten minutes, which is very evident by my silly little rhymes.
If I am remembering my Shakespeare correctly, he didn't name his sonnets, they were titled for the first line of the sonnet. So I guess that would mean the name of my sonnet is A snoring mister kept me up all night.
A snoring mister kept me up all night
Tossing and turning and snoring in bed
The lack of sleep as robbed me of my sprite
My eyes are heavy and itchy and red
though I’m complaining I’m actually fine
I’m worried for Leland who has a bad cold
vacations with a cold sound like a crime
he needs to kick this cellular slime mold
He has taken lots of vitamin C
to prepare for the long flight down south
and enjoy the fun weekend potpourri
hopefully he’ll stop breathing through his mouth
Leland is sick and I am tired
Being healthy is simply required
*This is what happens when I get 1.5 hours of sleep. Please forgive me for making you read this!
Monday, November 8, 2010
Monday Minute...It's All I Can do to Keep Up!
After a fabulous weekend with Leland, I am sitting at work and trying like hell to be productive but it just isn’t working. All I want to do it go home and continue having fun with my husband. But since I am stuck at work, here’s the Monday Minute from Christy.
1. What’s for dinner tonight?
I have no idea. I will most likely get home from the gym and then whip something up. It will probably include shrimp because that is the only meat I am really enjoying these days (other than my obsession with ribs, but they take too long to make for a weeknight) and maybe some peppers and pasta noodles. Or maybe I’ll make soup and grilled cheese sandwiches.
2. Have you even been stung by a bee or wasp?
I am sure I have, I just don’t really remember.
3. What time do you go to sleep every evening?
During the week I try to be in bed by 10 and sleeping by 11. I do not function well on less than 6 hours of sleep and I always aim to get at least 7. I am a way more pleasant person when I get at least 7 hours of sleep. On the weekends, I go to sleep anywhere between midnight and 2am. I prefer going to sleep as close to midnight as possible.
4. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
Mint Chocolate Chip. The green kind. I love the artificial coloring!
5. If you could have one power, what would it be?
To slow down time. Everything goes by so quickly.
1. What’s for dinner tonight?
I have no idea. I will most likely get home from the gym and then whip something up. It will probably include shrimp because that is the only meat I am really enjoying these days (other than my obsession with ribs, but they take too long to make for a weeknight) and maybe some peppers and pasta noodles. Or maybe I’ll make soup and grilled cheese sandwiches.
2. Have you even been stung by a bee or wasp?
I am sure I have, I just don’t really remember.
3. What time do you go to sleep every evening?
During the week I try to be in bed by 10 and sleeping by 11. I do not function well on less than 6 hours of sleep and I always aim to get at least 7. I am a way more pleasant person when I get at least 7 hours of sleep. On the weekends, I go to sleep anywhere between midnight and 2am. I prefer going to sleep as close to midnight as possible.
4. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
Mint Chocolate Chip. The green kind. I love the artificial coloring!
5. If you could have one power, what would it be?
To slow down time. Everything goes by so quickly.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
It's Hump Day Home Peeps!
If you want to know what this is about click here.
So, this has been a year of having sex.
Duh.
You already knew that.
Want to learn something that you didn’t know and probably don’t want to know?
We are trying anal.
Yes, I said it. But it was in small, small letters so that means it was a whisper. I am not ready to shout it from the rooftops yet. And I am sure my neighbors are thankful for this. I mean, we have some small people living in our neighborhood and they are too young to know anything about butt sex.
If you want to know how this is going, keep reading. If not, then have a great day and I will see you soon!
After talking about it for a long time, I have decided to give butt stuff a try. I weighed the pros and the cons.
The Pros:
I am in a monogamous relationship
My husband loves me
I trust my husband to be gentle
Leland really wants to give it a go, and since I don’t have hard feelings either way, I thought it would be fair.
It’s a natural laxative and I have been fairly constipated lately.
The Cons:
It will probably be very uncomfortable at first.
Since the pros clearly outweighed the cons, I bent over and stuck my ass in the air.
I have a few girlfriends who sometimes enjoy butt sex so I talked to them first. One friend made sure to point out that you can never have too much lube. Another said to stimulate myself while Leland is working my ass. She said that with extra stimulation I may not notice what is going on in my butt.
We have tried lube, some AnalEase I bought at a sex store and massage oils and I still can’t find a lube that works wonders. The massage oil was definitely the best though. But it still hurt. Leland only had a finger in my ass before I told him to stop.
I’m not giving up though. Next time I will try stimulating myself, or have Leland do extra stuff as well. It didn’t hurt too much that I would never try again, it was just really uncomfortable. The weird thing is that it didn’t hurt when Leland put his finger inside, it hurt the most when he pulled it out. Which is weird, because that is the direction my butthole is used to having stuff travel.
We will be trying again tonight.
And yes, I am still constipated.
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