Medical Advice From Leland

A few weeks ago Leland woke up with a nasty rash type thing on his chest. It was red and itchy and just popped up while he was sleeping. The day the rash arrived was also the day that Leland and I were heading out of town to do some hiking and swimming at Devil’s Lake in Wisconsin. Naturally we weren’t going to let a little rash get in the way of the trip. We packed a first-aid kit of random creams and we were on our way.

Leland used an anti-bac cream first. When it wasn’t really helping the itching, I suggested he use the cream that I used for my yeast infection. You see, yeast is a bacteria and I figured that if the rash was caused by some sort of bacteria then the yeast infection cream might be able to help. He alternated between the yeast cream and the anti-bac cream all day, neither of them really helping him at all.

While we were swimming in the lake we were discussing other options. (Yes, I know that water is not good for rashes, but like I said, we weren't going to let the rash ruin our good time). Leland hates seeing doctors, so he wanted to try and treat the rash by himself for 48 hours. But we had to face facts, the creams we brought weren’t working and he needed some relief. So I did what any wife would do.

I peed on him.

Yes, you read that right, I peed on my husband.

Leland once read that Madonna pees on her feet every once in a while to help fight infection and bacteria. Since he read that article years ago, he has been peeing on his feet about once a week. A year ago a friend came to him with a small problem. The friend had a weird rash thingy on his feet and he wanted Leland’s expert medical advice. (Really, skip googling your ailment and just come to Leland. He can totally help you out). Leland told him to pee on it. So his crazy friend obeyed and his rash was gone two days later. Now this friend pees on his feet once a week as well. It seems Leland is converting people.

So naturally Leland would think urine is the answer to the strange rash on his chest. The problem was that he couldn’t pee on it himself. He needed me to do it for him.

As we were swimming in the lake and having a great time people watching, we were considering how we were going to do it. The idea of squatting over him just wasn’t all that appealing. And ladies, we all know that we usually don’t pee in one nice stream, so I was concerned about pee going in his eyes, up his nose or in his mouth. Squatting wasn’t going to cut it. We eventually decided that I would pee in a cup and then pour it over the rash. So that’s what we did.

It wasn’t until much later that night that I realized I didn’t need to be involved at all. Why did I pee in a cup when he could have peed in a cup himself? And did I really need to pour the pee on him in the shower? It seems to me that he could have done it himself. But I did think it was a good idea in the first place, so obviously I wasn’t thinking clearly at all.


p.s. The urine didn’t help. It turns out the strange rash was shingles. It’s a good thing he only waited 48 hours before going to the doctor. And yes, Leland told the doctor everything he put on the outbreak.