Friday, September 9, 2011

The 10 Year Anniversary

The 9/11 anniversary is on Sunday. Every time I turn on the computer I am jarred by all of the photos. When I turn on the radio I cry when I hear the stories. I know the press is probably just trying to honor those who died and possibly bring some comfort to those who lost loved ones that day. I know it is a devastating day in our history.

I just can’t handle it. I am a very sensitive person and seeing the photos and reading the stories make me cry. Big, fat, elephant sized tears. Like every other human being in this country, and most human beings on this earth, I will never forget what happened that day. Seeing it all over again isn’t reminding me of anything. How can you be reminded when you never forgot?

It just makes me incredibly sad. My heart breaks all over again. And the thing is, I can’t NOT read the stories or look at the pictures. Though I try to pass over the article I see about 9/11 online, I just can’t do it. For some reason I put myself through the pain all over again. Maybe I do it because I know there are people who still suffer with real pain from that day. And really, being sad for a few days every year about it is nothing compared to what some people went through and are still going through.

But I just can’t handle it. Unlike millions of people, I will not be turning on my TV to watch coverage. I will not read articles online, I will not listen to radio programs. It doesn’t mean I don’t care, it surely doesn’t mean I am not affected. It just means my heart can’t take the pain anymore.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Show me your DORK!

No matter how cool we all may think we are on the outside, deep down a dork lives in all of us. True story.

Two weeks ago I admitted to watching High School Musical.
And High School Musical 2.
And last week I watched High School Musical: Senior Year.
And enjoyed all three of them.

I definitely think this qualifies me as a dork. Leland thinks so as well.

But I know I am not the only dork out there. Leland is pretty cool because he plays guitar in a heavy metal band….but then once you find out that he LOVES spreadsheets you realize he is just a big dork. Yes, that’s right. He loves spreadsheets. I don’t get it either. My BFF Danny is tall, dark and handsome and also a metal musician….but he is addicted to video games and often prefers sitting in front of the TV playing games to human interaction. Yes, he too is a dork.

A dork lives in all of us. Most of the time we don’t want to admit these things about ourselves. Sometimes we try and sugarcoat them. Just recently I called the stupid, teenage, girly movies I like my guilty pleasure. But really, I am a 30 year old woman. My guilty pleasure should be a glass (or bottle) of wine after work. Maybe it should be watching Cowboys and Aliens over and over again drooling over Daniel Craig. Watching stupid, teenage, girly movies is NOT a guilty pleasure. Watching those movies just proves that I am a big, fat dork.

So tell me, what makes you a dork??? I know I am not alone....

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Weekend Getaway

I got home from my annual camping trip to Buckhorn State Park in Wisconsin on Sunday night. I am still so tired.

Every year Leland and I talk our friends into spending 4 days with us camping on Castle Rock Lake. We eat, drink A LOT of beer, and swim pretty much all afternoon. Though I am back at work, I am still recovering from the weekend. I usually sleep so well whenever I sleep outside, but not this weekend.

(That's one of our campsites. I love how they are right on the lake!)


Plus, I think I am still bloated from all that beer.

Though I didn’t drink nearly as much as I have in the past, my age is making it harder and harder to party and rally. Unlike past years I have been camping, I managed to keep my clothes on all weekend. And I didn’t get drunk so I didn’t spend an entire day hungover. It was just a long weekend of relaxing, swimming, taking naps in the sun and doing beer bongs. Yes, I may be getting older but still don’t think I am too old for beer bongs yet.

Leland went to a concert with Danny yesterday, so when I got home from work yesterday afternoon I was all by myself. Want to know what I did with my time?

I watched High School Musical.

Yep. True story.

And when I was done with it I watched High School Musical 2. I would have kept going and watched the 3rd one, but it isn’t streaming on Netflix.

Yes, I enjoyed them. I am a dork and I don’t care who knows!

Anyway. I’m back home and back to work and all I really want to do is go back to the lake. Is that too much to ask?

Friday, July 29, 2011

Summer Vacation

As I mentioned last week, Leland and I took a vacation to Savannah, GA at the beginning of summer. I was turning 30 and I wanted to celebrate my birthday somewhere other than here. It was easily the best vacation we have ever taken.

On my birthday we went to Tybee Beach and rode jet skis with dolphins. It was amazing how many dolphins were swimming right where we were jet skiing, there had to be at least 20. They were breathtaking to watch. That night Leland took me out to dinner and we both ate a ton of seafood.

We ate seafood every day we were there and it was all kinds of delicious.

Savannah stole our hearts. We fell in love immediately. Savannah is one of the prettiest places I have ever seen. We loved the history, the squares and the monuments. OF COURSE I went to the Juliette Gordon Low house. I loved seeing all of the Girl Scout troops that were visiting. I was happy to be surrounded by my people. Yes, that’s right. “My people” are 10 year old girls. I can’t help it. Though they don’t know it, we have a kinship.

We loved the bars, we loved the restaurants. We loved how easy it was to get around. We loved the proximity to the beach. We loved the southern hospitality.

Most of our time was spent at the beach. Yeah, we could have been seeing some really cool historic sights, but the beach was just so wonderful. Some days we read books at the beach, some days we just drank beer. But every day we went swimming. I love the water so being able to swim was such a treat for me. And since we spent so much time at the beach and drinking beers, I learned how to pee in the ocean. So now I am REALLY GOOD at doing that too.

*Is this too much pee talk for everyone?*

At nights we would get back to our hotel around 10 or so, and then we would stay up drinking wine and swimming in the hotel pool or boiling in the hot tub. Sometimes we would just sit outside and listen to the sound of the bugs chirping.

We never wanted to leave.

p.s. I was told by several of you, as well as my mother, that we needed to go to Paula Deen’s restaurant. We went. I cook better than that. It was very disappointing and I wouldn’t recommend it.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Being Great

You know how some people are really great at doing some things? For instance, Leland is really great at playing guitar. Charlie Sheen is great at winning. VC is really great at juggling. Don't know who VC is? Well, he is this really great kid who belongs to Carma. He is super talented and I am always in awe when I see one of his videos. Plus, I think he does backflips every day of his life. Watch the video, you won't regret it.

For years I have been trying to find something I am really great at doing and I have been coming up empty handed. Sure, I do a lot of things well. I’m good at baking and cooking. I do a beer bong better than most people. I can talk on the phone and do laundry at the same time. So I am not saying that I am without any talents.

I just wanted to be GREAT at doing one thing. I have been looking for one thing that I am better at than anyone else I know. Hell, I even want to be better at it than people I don’t know. It has been a long and arduous journey, but it has finally come to an end.

Last weekend while Leland and I were camping I realized that I am REALLY GREAT at…

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Peeing outside.

Now, I understand that I will never be better than a man at peeing outside. Logistically it just isn’t possible. But I am very confident that there are very few women in this world who can pee outside as well as I can. I am a pro.

I don’t have pee dribbling down my legs.

I don’t have pee dribbling all over my pants.

I don’t even have to lean against something.

And I do it all without even pulling down my panties.

This wasn’t a God-given ability. I worked hard for this one. I keep telling you how many life lessons Girl Scouts has to offer and here is another. I learned to pee outside like a pro from all those years camping and doing outside activities. I also learned from playing in the woods with my sisters when we were little. Hell, I have even peed behind my own garage because my one bathroom was occupied. What I am saying is I have had years and years of practice. And now I can finally say I am REALLY GREAT at something.

Monday, July 25, 2011

The Return of the In-laws

Last week I hinted about Leland’s parents being back in the picture. Until a few weeks ago, we hadn’t spoken to them in 4 years. If you want a quick catch up on what went down, go here and here.

On June 30th Leland’s dad was in a motorcycle accident.

According to witnesses and the police report, Edward was swerving between traffic, squeezed between two cars that were stopped at a red light and then proceeded to go through the red light. In other words, the asshole had it coming. He was hit on his right side by one car and then another car hit him as he was knocked off his bike. He had to be airlifted to a hospital.

Edward fractured his skull, beat up his face, fractured his tailbone and shattered his right leg. The doctors think he will need more than a dozen surgeries to put his leg back together. When he was first admitted to the hospital doctors weren’t sure that he was even going to survive. So this is the second time he has come back from the dead. How many lives does this man have?

The night after the accident Leland and I were sitting on our deck, drinking beer and talking about his family. Leland’s initial reaction to hearing about the accident was….nondescript. He didn’t seem to care that much. But after talking for a while, we decided that we would take the 3 hour drive and visit his dad in the hospital. At this point, it was still very possible that this would be the last chance for Leland to see his father alive. Leland wanted to see him to have some sort of closure. On the fourth of July, we went.

I don’t even know how to explain how we felt about this situation….

We drove to his parents’ house first to pick up his mother and take her with us to the hospital. She cried and hugged us both. I tried not to roll my eyes when she was being all sad. And it took A LOT for me to hug her back. Leland and his mom made small talk on the way to the hospital as I sat in the back seat trying not to be annoyed by the situation.

It was a very surreal day. Seeing Edward made Leland angry. He has been dealing with all of these negative feelings for so long and I think seeing his dad again made them even more real. Though Edward was still in an induced coma, he was very mildly responsive. At this point, 5 days after the accident, he was in the clear and is expected to make a full recovery. Leland was able to say what he has been waiting 4 years to say, but we know Edward doesn’t remember anything. Leland still thinks he is a bastard and still doesn’t want to have anything to do with him.

On the way back to his parents’ house from the hospital Leland and his mom finally talked about the real issues. They fought, they got mad, they somehow made some progress. She apologized to both of us. She hugged both of us again. And then we went home. They have talked once since the 4th, and I am sure there will be more phone calls.

However, this is not a reconciliation. Fuck that. At this point I don’t even know if that is possible. Leland is in no hurry to patch things up with his family. And neither am I.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Coming out of Retirement

I have really been enjoying my summer. We started it out by taking the best vacation ever to Savannah, GA, and we have kept the fun going all summer long. We have been having so much fun and all responsibilities have been pushed to the side.

Ok, not all responsibilities. As much as we wanted to, it has been nearly impossible to escape reality for very long this summer. With work issues, and *gasp* Leland’s parents creeping back into the picture, there really isn’t much we can do except pour another beer.

Yes, we go to work like we have to, but the laundry? It has been sitting in baskets all over my house for weeks. I manage to get the laundry clean, but only after we are all out of underwear, and it never makes it in the closet or drawers where clean laundry belongs. My dining room is a mess. I have an entire summers worth of mail piled up on the dining room table. I have coupons scattered everywhere because although I find the time to clip them, I just cannot break myself away from the daiquiris long enough to organize them. And we haven’t weeded our yard, flowerboxes or driveway all summer. Yes, I said driveway. It needs to be seal coated so badly be we haven’t done that either. My house is so unkempt that it is starting to look like a foreclosure property.

But my neighbors aren’t complaining yet so I don’t care. I am just going to continue having fun, because the work will still be waiting there for me when I am done. And now that I am blogging again, I have no idea when any chores will be completed. And that’s ok with me. I have a neat freak husband who will do it all when he gets overwhelmed. I just need to wait long enough for that to happen.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

The Smartest Woman in the World

Because I was asked so nicely to do some entertaining today by Organic Meatbag:

As I was on my way to work this morning I was listening to a Chicago radio station, 101.9fm. Great. No one cares about the radio station, but I thought I should add it in case anyone was wondering.

I tuned in a little too late to hear the whole story, but apparently someone or some group with nothing better to do did a study on whether breast size could be a sign of intelligence in women. And you want to know what they found?

They found that I am the smartest women in the world.

You see, their silly little study showed that women with larger breasts were more intelligent than women with small breasts.

Please don’t shoot the messenger. I wasn’t the one to do this study. Plus, I have no idea what the sample size was or how they tested the intelligence of the ladies. And I have no idea what they consider to be large or small. I really don’t know anything about this at all except that without evening meeting me, they already think I’m smart.

I think this is the best news ever, because without even taking an intelligence test, I just became the smartest woman in the world. I have G cups. Yes, that’s right. G as in Gigantic. G as in Gorgeous. G as in Gee whiz, don’t you look smart!

Ok, so I know there are women out there who have bigger boobs than I do, but I don’t know them so they don’t exist in my little world. And because I don’t know them, I can tell everyone that I am the smartest woman in the world. You bet I am going to take this one all the way to the bank. Not that I actually understand what that expression means, but I am still going to do it.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

It's Time to Get Me Outta Here!

Is 7 weeks too early to start counting down to a vacation?

Even if it is, my countdown has already started.

In 7 weeks Leland and I will be leaving town for my birthday, driving to Savannah, GA for a week of goofing off and misbehaving. Why Savannah, GA you might ask? Well, Leland and I love roadtrips. We were planning on taking one last year that we had to cancel because of my awesome abilities to cause extreme injury to myself. It has been nearly three years since our last vacation and we both wanted to do something this summer. And since I am the most indecisive person in the world, I sighed up for Groupons in several places around the country. I decided to let Groupon make the decision for me.

One day a few months ago the Groupon for that chosen day was 50% off a king suite at a hotel in Savannah, GA. The decision had been made. Though we were dreaming about a trip, staying in a hotel for 6 nights can be so expensive and we weren't sure if we could afford $1000 just for a hotel room. But with the amazing Groupon deal we were able to start planning our trip.

(No, this isn't a commercial for Groupon, I just really love them right now).

We were also able to book a walking tour for 50% off on Groupon, as well as 50% off a carriage ride ghost tour (Savannah is apparently a very haunted city), and I got a $60 gift certificate for a sushi restaurant for only $20. Oh, and I bought a Groupon for a dolphin watching boat ride that was 50% off.

So as I am at work and should be getting work done, I cannot stop day dreaming about getting the hell out of town. I am excited to go here:

The Juliette Gordon Low house. Juliette Gordon Low is the founder of the Girl Scouts of America, and you all know how much I heart the Girl Scouts! I am so excited to take a picture in front of it!

We will also be stopping here:

This is one of Savannah's 24 squares, and the square made famous by the opening park bench scene in Forrest Gump. Leland and I have plans to rent bikes and see all 24 squares while we are there.

But I think I am most excited about going here:

I hope to spend my birthday doing nothing but hanging out at the beach. That would make my birthday a very happy day. But for now, I am sitting in my office, looking at pictures with my head in the clouds. I know the 7 weeks will fly by, and though I really want to take my vacation, I don't want to wish away my last few weeks of still being in my 20's!

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Meet the Neighbors

This past Saturday was a beautiful spring day in my area, and for the first time in months, the neighbors were outside enjoying the weather. Leland and I even took a little time to catch up with our neighbors Dan and Margie. Dan and Margie are great neighbors, but we haven’t always been that lucky. Read on about The Drug Dealers, The Reclusive Weirdoes, and The Asshole Prankster. And because not all of our neighbors have been bad, I’ve included The Best Neighbors in the Whole Goddamn World. The Drug Dealers: Now, I cannot be absolutely sure that we had drug dealers living next door, but all evidence points to that being that case. At all hours of the day and night, random people would pull up, park on the street and leave their cars running. They would go inside, and then leave moments later. This happened at least 8 times every single day. I really wasn’t that concerned about the drugs they were dealing, however the middle of the night arguments that the man and woman had were out of control. They yelled and screamed loud enough for the whole block to have an intimate account of their arguments. Words like whore, slut, good for nothing bitch were thrown around nonstop. They got evicted shortly after we moved in because I called the landlord and complained multiple times. The Best Neighbors in the Whole Goddamn World: Right after we moved in The Best Neighbors in the Whole Goddamn World moved in right next door. They were a couple in their late 30’s who had the sweetest daughter ever. We became friends very quickly, mostly because the man would come over to our house every Friday after work with beer for everyone. Our Beer-thirty Friday nights became a tradition. On the weekends we would do hard work together, let the dogs play, grill food and drink some more. We walked into each other’s houses without knocking, and had keys to each other’s houses in case the doors were locked for some reason. I am pretty sure I cried when they told us they were moving. Even now, we still call each other “neighbor.” The Asshole Pranksters: When we moved in Leland and I expected to be the loud, annoying people on the block. So at first we were relieved to find that someone else already at that title. A single 20-something male lived two doors down. He was loud, obnoxious and rude. He had shady friends over and treated me and our then roommate Star like shit. He was a gross, chauvinist pig. So when Leland started complaining to him about the way he was treating the ladies, Asshole Prankster got pissed. Once he peed on our front porch. Another time he came over and broke two of my flower pots. During a party he was having him and some friends came over and smashed the bricks that made up our front steps. Please reports were filed but we were never able to press charges. Eventually he left us alone, but that was only after Leland went to his house and threatened him. It really worked to our advantage that Leland is big and scary. When he put a For Sale sign in his front yard Leland and I celebrated with a bottle of champagne. The Reclusive Weirdoes: When The Best Neighbors in the Whole Goddamn World moved out, the Reclusive Weirdoes moved in. The Reclusive Weirdoes are a family of five. They have two teenage boys and a girl who is probably 9 or 10 right now. They have lived right next door to us and WE NEVER SEE THEM. The young girl never plays outside. The teenage boys don’t even mow the lawn. The last time we saw the man was in the beginning of February right after we had a blizzard. I have honestly forgotten what the woman looks like because I haven’t seen her in MONTHS. Yes, they are quiet and never cause problems, but I cannot get over how weird it is that they live next door and they never emerge from their house. Dan and Margie: Dan and Margie live on the other side of us. They moved in a few years ago and are absolutely wonderful. They are about my parents age, and I think they like having Leland and I around. I think Dan sees a lot of himself in Leland. Dan was a former wild child, he loves listening to the band practice in the basement, and he loves talking to all of the band guys about music and jamming. Dan sold us our motorcycle, he plows our driveway in the winter, helps us with pretty much whatever we need in the summer. And in return I bake them pies.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

I Have Been Lost....In a Good Book

For the past few weeks, I have been doing something I haven’t done in a really long time. I have been reading books.

I canceled my Facebook page and found I had all of this extra time to do some reading. And then once I started reading, I just couldn’t stop, so my blog was put on hold as well. Now I need to figure out how to balance reading and blogging. Because I like to do both and would like to be able to do both.

Right now I am reading Scent of the Missing: Love and Partnership with a Search and Rescue Dog by Susannah Charleson. For all of you dog/animal lovers out there, it is a must read. It’s funny and heartwarming and has even made me allow my dog Bacchus to lay in bed with Leland and I on occasion.

I just finished reading all of the Dragon Tattoo books by Steig Larsson. Loved them.

I have been reading some Jennifer Weiner chick lit, as well as some really bad books I checked out from the library. I love the library. Did you know you can rent books there for free????? For so long I was spending so much money buying books. I used to spend about $150 a month on books.

But not anymore.

The library is saving me so much money!

I will be heading back to the library tonight with hopes of finding a few more books that are worthy of my attention. I am sure I will leave with an armful.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Tales from my Twenties--Continuing with my 80's Rock Concert Shenanigans.

In July 2009, Leland and I went with our good friends Danny and Kathryn to see Ratt at the House of Blues in Chicago.

We love Ratt, and were both way pumped to be able to see them perform Body Talk live. Body Talk is one of our favorite songs.

When we made it to Chicago, we had about 30 minutes until Danny and Kathryn were supposed to meet us, so we went to the bar next door to the House of Blues and ordered a drink. About half way through that first drink, I decided it was an excellent idea for us to do a shot. Leland was a little apprehensive because he knows how I get once I start doing shots, but I assured him it would just be one. He should know me better than that.

We did our shot and then went outside to meet Danny and Kathryn.

As soon as I saw Kathryn I remembered a very important fact about her: she loves doing tequila shots as much as I do.

Just one more shot, I told Leland. We are at Ratt and I have to do a tequila shot with Kathryn. Don’t worry, I said, it’ll just be the one shot.

We took our one shot and followed it with a beer.

We were having a good time, so naturally I thought we should do another shot. Nothing says “let’s party” like a shot of tequila. I ignored Leland’s protests and ordered two more shots for me and Kathryn. He shouldn’t even have tried to protest because there was no way he was going to win that argument.

I was probably getting a little wild and crazy. Probably. The thing is, I don’t really remember much. Apparently 80’s music concerts make me get all kinds of drunk and forget important things.

I remember taking several more shots. I remember there was a point when I could barely walk. I remember thinking that all of those shots of tequila were not a good idea. I remember thinking that I should never have opened a tab with our debit card.

And that is all I remembered until I woke up on the ground in a parking garage, next to a very large pile of vomit.

I can only imagine what I must have looked like to random people walking to their parked cars.

I remember waking up, not having any idea how I got where I was. I remember being so happy that I was right next to my car and that I didn’t lock myself out when I got out of the car to puke. And then I remembered dumping the contents of my purse all over the ground to find my cell phone so I could locate Leland. And I think it was at that moment that I saw Leland, Danny and Kathryn walking toward me like a mirage in the distance.

I was still very drunk and my vision was very blurry.

Apparently Leland took me to our car because I wanted him to be able to see the concert. I guess it didn’t occur to either of us that I might decide to leave the car once I got there. Lucky for me I was way too drunk to stay upright.

Though I puked a lot, I spent two days being hung over.

Oh, and I didn’t learn my lesson. I still love doing tequila shots, though now I will only do them at home. And I am so glad there were no camera’s around this time to document my drunkenness.

P.S. I can so feel my mother beaming with pride as she reads these stories.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

I Have a Rubber Butt

In my real life I am a very nice person.

(I’m a nice person online too, so I guess that would just make me a nice person in general.)

I like to take care of people so I go out of my way to make others happy. I make myself available to my friends and family whenever they need me. If I am at work or busy doing something else, I will drop everything if someone texts me that they need me to call.

I make the call. I do what I need to do to be there for the people I love and care about.

What is this about, you may be wondering…

I have no idea why some people decide to be blatantly rude to me for no reason.

Take Snake, for instance. Snake likes to pretend that he is in his mid-twenties and party with us until dawn. He is very creepy. He is the older guy who will come up behind you and rub your shoulders even if you didn’t ask him to. He is the older guy who will make jokes about you giving him a blow job. I don’t like him (that’s why I am calling him Snake) but I have never been mean or rude to him. I just keep my distance whenever he is around. I have never extended the hand of friendship but always smile and am polite when I happen to see him.

For some reason he treats me so badly whenever possible. A few months ago while we were at a friend’s wedding, Snake told me that I looked like a whore.

I didn’t look like a whore at all. I was wearing a dress that was right below my knees and I wasn’t showing any cleavage. And several people commented on how pretty I looked. And honestly, the way I looked as nothing to do with it and shouldn't even be considered. What really matters was the display of poor manners.

(That was actually a pretty shitty day for me because the bride’s sister felt the need to point out that I am a “chunky girl.” That made me feel awesome. So even though several people thought I looked amazing, all I could think was that I looked like a chunky whore.)

Once Snake came up to me and questioned why anyone was even friends with me.

The funny thing is, I have been getting that question a lot lately. People have actually been wondering how I have any friends.

I’m not going to get defensive and list reasons why people want to be friends with me. That would just be silly. The people who read my blog because they like to, because they know me and love me, because they think I am funny and because we have formed positive, friendly relationships with each other know exactly why someone would want to be my friend.

And I know what those reasons are as well. So bring on the rudeness, I am not going to let it get me down.

I have a rubber butt, I bounce back.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Tales From my Twenties -- Rocklahoma Style

In the spring of 2007 Leland called me at work. “Do you have any interest in taking a road trip to Oklahoma?” he asked.

“Not really,” I said.

“How bout if we were going to see White Lion in concert?” he asked.

I almost didn’t believe him, but sure as shit, White Lion was playing at Rocklahoma, an 80’s hair band/cock rock music festival. I am fairly certain we bought our 3 day passes that night.

We love White Lion and actually give them a little credit for us being together.

In July, we packed the car and road tripped to the concert. We brought all the essentials: clothes, sunscreen and the beer bong.

The festival was in this big field, with tents of merchandise, food and beer set up all around the perimeter. It was HOT. So I did the only smart thing: I started drinking excessive amounts of Miller Chill, even though I thought it was sort of gross.

We were outside for the entire day, switching off between watching a band, drinking beer and doing shots in the alcohol tents, and heading back to the parking lot to make some friends and do beer bongs with total strangers.

I had no idea how drunk I was.

I vaguely remember taking drunken photos with random people.

I sort of recall laying on the grass by my car and taking a nap.

There are hazy images of Leland sticking his fingers down my throat to make me throw up.

I think I even remember some guys seeing Leland trying to make me vomit and commenting on how it was sort of a weird form of porn.

But I had no idea how drunk I was until the following morning. When I was going through my pockets to see how much cash I had left, I found a signed consent form from the Howard Stern film crew. Apparently I gave them permission to use footage of my breasts for their TV show, along with the drunken interview I gave them. The topless, drunken interview I gave them.

Apparently I didn’t learn my lesson after drunkenly signing a consent form for Girls Gone Wild. That story will be coming later.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

I Once Made Out With A....

Last week RN Mama told us a story about how she pseudo-dated a rodeo clown. Of course this made me think about all the unsavory traveling freakshows I have dated.

Well, there was actually only one traveling freakshow in my past.

I know, surprising, right?

(The other freakshows weren't traveling)

And I didn't date this one, it was just a one time impulse decision.

But the one I have was bad enough that I up until now I have only shared this very dark secret with a few people. Like my very good friend Amy....

Last summer I was sitting outside with a friend, drinking boxed wine. We were pretty blitzed and having a great time when my cell phone rang.

It was Amy and it was late so I answered it, thinking that maybe something was wrong.

Instead I could hear her giggling. “Al,” she said. “Mike and I were just leaving Summerfest and we were laughing about the time you made out with a Carnie!”

Only a very, very good friend can get away with making a phone call strictly to laugh at you. But it was funny, and I couldn’t help but laugh along with her. Amy and I weren’t yet friends when the Carnie kissing happened, so she was trying to remember the details to tell her husband Mike about it.

I had to have been around 14 or 15. You know, old enough to go to the county fair with just my sister, but young enough to think that the carnie running the carousel was HOT. I was also young enough to think that nothing would make me happier than having him stick his dirty tongue down my throat.

I remember my sister thinking that he was gross, and that I should not pay any attention to him. But my sister and I split up to hang out with our friends separately, so I did not have her with me to protect me from acting stupid.

For some reason I can remember exactly what I was wearing that day. I was wearing light blue jeans, not quite stonewashed, but close enough. I have no idea why I was wearing jeans because I remember being uncomfortable hot. It was the first week of August in the Midwest. Of course I was hot. I also had on a light pink tank top and brown sandals. I must have been looking smokin’ because I caught the carnie’s eye.

Lucky me!

I must have been so entranced with the carnie because I would not listen to anyone who told me that I should not be flirting with him. I did not care that other people thought it wasn’t a good idea. Instead, I left my friends and spent a good part of the day riding the carousel.

Too bad he didn’t run something cool, like the tilt-a-whirl.

When his shift was over we spent the rest of the night riding whatever I wanted to ride for free. I thought that was a pretty sweet deal. We made out a lot, and then I went home. Thank goddess my sister was smart enough not to take me back to the fair that year. I am sure she saved me from doing other very stupid things.

p.s. Carnie boy may have been the first boy to feel me up, but I’m not really sure….

Monday, February 14, 2011

As it Turns Out, It is ALL About the Cookies

I am a little embarrassed today.

No, I didn't do something regretful this weekend.

Well, maybe I did.

Remeber when I wrote the post about the things I learned in Girl Scouts? Remember when I admitted to all of you that I was a Girl Scout until I graduated high school?

Well, if you didn't know, it's Girl Scout cookie time. I usually have a family member or child of a friend that I order from, but this year no one came knocking on my door. So when RN Mama posted a giveaway on her blog that would win me 3 boxes of cookies, I just had to participate. I did whatever I could to win those cookies, even sending her a picture of myself in my Girl Scout uniform when I was 15!

Yes people. The proof that I was a major nerd in high school is hanging out at RN Mama today. Go take a look.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Tales from my Twenties

In June I will be turning 30. I’m sort of looking forward to it, excited for all of the things a new decade in my life will bring. My 20’s were amazing. I had fun nearly every single day. I had all sorts of new experiences. I got myself into all kinds of trouble. My 20’s were pure magic.

Though I have faith that my 30’s will be even better, I have decided that my 20’s should receive a proper farewell. So please indulge me for the next 4 months as I tell you some of the best tales from my twenties.

I Have Yet ANOTHER Accident

Wednesday started off as just another day at work. I was dead tired because I didn’t sleep well the night before. I was having one of those days where I felt like I shouldn’t even get out of bed. But duty calls, so I got my ass up and went into work.

It was a normal day for all of two hours.

And then my sleep deprived, emotionally exhausted brain decided to get on the forklift.

Sometimes I am a really big idiot and don’t think about what I am doing. This was one of those times. If I was thinking about what I was doing I would have turned around while I was backing up, instead of just putting the forklift in reverse and stepping on the gas.

No, I didn’t hit another person. I didn’t injure anyone.

But I did hit the furnace that was hanging from the ceiling and cause a massive gas leak.

My boss called 911 and we were told to evacuate the building. When emergency responders showed up, they had to evacuate the entire building. So, because of me, there were dozens of people standing outside in the 6 degree temps, freezing their asses off. A few of us were smart (surprisingly I was one of the smart ones) and decided to wait in our cars until we were given the ok to go back in the building, but for the most part people were freezing outside. Some of them even decided to evacuate the building without grabbing coats.

I sat in my car and waited. Finally a police officer came to talk to me because I needed to file an accident report. It was all professional and boring until he asked me one question.

"Do you get in accidents like this a lot?"

It seems even strangers can tell how accident prone I am.

After laughing to myself I said, “Well, not exactly like this one, but yes.”

When I told Leland what happened he said, “Yeah, that sounds like something you would do.”

After a while we were allowed to go back into the building. It was a little warmer inside, but not by much because the fire department couldn’t tell which gas valve was for my particular unit so they had to turn off the gas for the whole building. And then they had to turn off the electricity.

From 10am until 2:30pm, no business in the entire building was able to operate. We didn’t have heat or electricity for over 4 hours.

All because of me.

I love being the cause of so much chaos.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Humpity Hump

Last night Leland and I were laying in bed, discussing sex. Really, it actually is all we talk about anymore. As of today, with the new year of sex, we are 15 times behind.

Leland blames me for this.

I can hardly blame him. I am the one who bleeds from my vagina for 5 days every month. And as it turns out, this month I have a cold sore on my lip and am bleeding from my vagina at the exact same time.

So I am pretty much useless.

Leland tells me I need to get a stunt double.

Apparently if I had a stunt double, banging out 700 times will be easy. Since he is always ready to go, and I seem to be the person in the mix who keeps setting us behind, obviously a stunt double is necessary.

We all remember last year’s great failure. We all remember the precious time we lost because I just had to go rollerblading. We all remember the yeast infection in my butthole (oh, you forgot about that? You were trying to erase that from your memory? Never fear, I will always be here to help you remember things you subliminally blocked from your memory). And I was the one who got lazy at the end of the year and just decided to stop trying. Leland, however, never got tired of it. He never had anything happen that kept him from performing. Leland is ready to have sex 700 times in one year, and then also be some other guy’s stunt double for the same exercise.

Leland has very few requirements for my stunt double. Or cunt double, if you will.

She must be a she.

She must be disease free.

She must not be on the same menstruation cycle as me.

And she must be willing to spread her legs whenever HE is ready and able.

Oh, and she must do this for free, because we are broke and cannot afford to pay her.

Sounds like a sweet deal, right?

(Is this too much? Am I taking this too far? No? Then let’s go further)


If only there was some girl out there whose main goal in life was to be my stunt double. It would make my life a whole lot easier. And it might give me time to read a few good books this year.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

A Weekend Getaway

Leland and I had the most amazing weekend in Marquette, MI.

As most of you know, I don’t *do* winter. I loathe it. It turns me into a mean and nasty person. It makes me whine and cry and act really pathetic. My attitude makes Leland want to run and hide. He cannot handle me during the winter months. So you can just imagine our surprise when I was happy and relaxed and enjoyed my weekend even farther up north where there is a ton more snow.

At least there is more snow there right now, but I am sure that won’t be the case when we get the 24 inches of snow that the weatherman keeps threatening.

The weekend was all kinds of wonderful. The groom’s parents rented a coach bus for all of the out of town guests heading up for the wedding. So instead of having to deal with the long drive, we were able to sit back, relax, drink a ton of beer, and have fun with the other people on the bus. At some point during the trip I was loaded enough to think it was a good idea to call the hotel and ask for a room upgrade.

And boy I am glad I did.

Leland and I spent the weekend in a huge suite with a Jacuzzi in the bathroom. I know I don’t need to be specific about what we did all weekend! Unlike the other people who were anxious to spend the extra time out at bars, Leland and I spent the weekend in our room. We took lots of long bubble baths, we drank wine, we played card games. We did a ton of relaxing.

The wedding was beautiful and the reception was so much fun. I think I danced the entire night. I think. There was an open bar so I can’t be too sure. You know how too much alcohol can make you brown out….

Everything was wonderful.

The only thing that was not awesome was the 6 inch heels I decided to wear. They were a big mistake. What was I thinking? I am the klutz supreme. I should have known better than to buy 6 inch heels! They did look really hot though!

Thursday, January 27, 2011

My Boring Life

My life is really boring right now.

But you know what? I am so ok with boring.

I haven't been blogging because nothing interesting is happening. When people ask me what's new, the answer is always the same: nothing.

In the past few weeks since Leland and I have had nothing going on, I have realized that I really like my boring life. I like going to work, going to the gym, and then coming home and making dinner with Leland, followed by some cut-throat games of Mario Kart Wii. On the weekends we have been staying in, maybe having a few friends over to play some games. Though those times are fun, I don't really get any good stories out of them. They are just some relaxing evenings spent inside.

We are getting ready to go out of town for the weekend for a wedding and last night Leland was coloring my hair. We were getting a little annoyed with each other because I thought he didn't know what he was doing and he thought I was being bossy, but even through the tension, I enjoyed doing nothing with him. I liked that we were together, just being us, and not really doing anything all that cool or exciting. And though we have a very long list of things we need to do tonight before we leave tomorrow morning, I am looking forward to doing chores with Leland. It will just be us, living our boring life, and I am very ok with that.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Hump Day Hangover

If you want to know what this is about click here.

It is a sad day here in Hump Day Land.

Though our year isn’t quite up, Leland and I are admitting defeat.

Having sex 700 times in one year was impossible for us. Though we think we gave it a good try, it just wasn’t possible for us to do. Hell, it may not be possible for anyone to do. Having that much sex was HARD.

We forced ourselves to do it even when we didn’t want to. We would spend days humping like rabbits just to try and catch up. But with only a month left and only having had sex 331 times, we aren’t going to try to fool ourselves into thinking that we can have sex 369 times in one month. So this is me admitting that we couldn’t do it.

But not for lack of trying….

My life has been one long string of impromptu decisions, and the decision to give this a try was made without any thought or planning. We just jumped in the sack and didn’t give it much thought. If only I knew then what I know now…..

Now I know that having sex 2 times a day really is difficult, and if we want to be successful we really need to get a good start. Last February we started and then a week later Leland went out of town for work. If this is going to work, there can be no getting behind, we have to stay ahead of the game.

I also know that after a few months, I will get bored, so to keep it exciting, we need more rules that just to have sex twice a day. I think now we need a sort of checklist. You know, places to do it, positions we want to try, that sort of thing. That way when it does get boring, and it will, we will have some fun and different things to try.

And being so stressed about it didn’t work for us either. Though reaching 700 was the ultimate goal, having our sex be strictly about the goal wasn’t fun either. If I knew then what I know now, I would be more focused on the sex than the number.

There are a lot of reasons that the challenge didn’t work out. Lack of planning, a broken pelvis, the worlds worst yeast infection, Leland’s traveling…..I could go on and on, but I know you don’t want to hear about that.

All you really want to hear is that now that I know all of these things we are going to try again.

And we are. Of course we are!

If at first you don’t succeed try, try again.

So as of Saturday, January 22, we are starting over.

We have a position of the day book.

We have a good sex bible.

We have everything we learned in the last year.

And after a long sex break, we will be back in the habit in a few days.