Meet the Neighbors

This past Saturday was a beautiful spring day in my area, and for the first time in months, the neighbors were outside enjoying the weather. Leland and I even took a little time to catch up with our neighbors Dan and Margie. Dan and Margie are great neighbors, but we haven’t always been that lucky. Read on about The Drug Dealers, The Reclusive Weirdoes, and The Asshole Prankster. And because not all of our neighbors have been bad, I’ve included The Best Neighbors in the Whole Goddamn World. The Drug Dealers: Now, I cannot be absolutely sure that we had drug dealers living next door, but all evidence points to that being that case. At all hours of the day and night, random people would pull up, park on the street and leave their cars running. They would go inside, and then leave moments later. This happened at least 8 times every single day. I really wasn’t that concerned about the drugs they were dealing, however the middle of the night arguments that the man and woman had were out of control. They yelled and screamed loud enough for the whole block to have an intimate account of their arguments. Words like whore, slut, good for nothing bitch were thrown around nonstop. They got evicted shortly after we moved in because I called the landlord and complained multiple times. The Best Neighbors in the Whole Goddamn World: Right after we moved in The Best Neighbors in the Whole Goddamn World moved in right next door. They were a couple in their late 30’s who had the sweetest daughter ever. We became friends very quickly, mostly because the man would come over to our house every Friday after work with beer for everyone. Our Beer-thirty Friday nights became a tradition. On the weekends we would do hard work together, let the dogs play, grill food and drink some more. We walked into each other’s houses without knocking, and had keys to each other’s houses in case the doors were locked for some reason. I am pretty sure I cried when they told us they were moving. Even now, we still call each other “neighbor.” The Asshole Pranksters: When we moved in Leland and I expected to be the loud, annoying people on the block. So at first we were relieved to find that someone else already at that title. A single 20-something male lived two doors down. He was loud, obnoxious and rude. He had shady friends over and treated me and our then roommate Star like shit. He was a gross, chauvinist pig. So when Leland started complaining to him about the way he was treating the ladies, Asshole Prankster got pissed. Once he peed on our front porch. Another time he came over and broke two of my flower pots. During a party he was having him and some friends came over and smashed the bricks that made up our front steps. Please reports were filed but we were never able to press charges. Eventually he left us alone, but that was only after Leland went to his house and threatened him. It really worked to our advantage that Leland is big and scary. When he put a For Sale sign in his front yard Leland and I celebrated with a bottle of champagne. The Reclusive Weirdoes: When The Best Neighbors in the Whole Goddamn World moved out, the Reclusive Weirdoes moved in. The Reclusive Weirdoes are a family of five. They have two teenage boys and a girl who is probably 9 or 10 right now. They have lived right next door to us and WE NEVER SEE THEM. The young girl never plays outside. The teenage boys don’t even mow the lawn. The last time we saw the man was in the beginning of February right after we had a blizzard. I have honestly forgotten what the woman looks like because I haven’t seen her in MONTHS. Yes, they are quiet and never cause problems, but I cannot get over how weird it is that they live next door and they never emerge from their house. Dan and Margie: Dan and Margie live on the other side of us. They moved in a few years ago and are absolutely wonderful. They are about my parents age, and I think they like having Leland and I around. I think Dan sees a lot of himself in Leland. Dan was a former wild child, he loves listening to the band practice in the basement, and he loves talking to all of the band guys about music and jamming. Dan sold us our motorcycle, he plows our driveway in the winter, helps us with pretty much whatever we need in the summer. And in return I bake them pies.