Last night Leland and I were laying in bed, discussing sex. Really, it actually is all we talk about anymore. As of today, with the new year of sex, we are 15 times behind.
Leland blames me for this.
I can hardly blame him. I am the one who bleeds from my vagina for 5 days every month. And as it turns out, this month I have a cold sore on my lip and am bleeding from my vagina at the exact same time.
So I am pretty much useless.
Leland tells me I need to get a stunt double.
Apparently if I had a stunt double, banging out 700 times will be easy. Since he is always ready to go, and I seem to be the person in the mix who keeps setting us behind, obviously a stunt double is necessary.
We all remember last year’s great failure. We all remember the precious time we lost because I just had to go rollerblading. We all remember the yeast infection in my butthole (oh, you forgot about that? You were trying to erase that from your memory? Never fear, I will always be here to help you remember things you subliminally blocked from your memory). And I was the one who got lazy at the end of the year and just decided to stop trying. Leland, however, never got tired of it. He never had anything happen that kept him from performing. Leland is ready to have sex 700 times in one year, and then also be some other guy’s stunt double for the same exercise.
Leland has very few requirements for my stunt double. Or cunt double, if you will.
She must be a she.
She must be disease free.
She must not be on the same menstruation cycle as me.
And she must be willing to spread her legs whenever HE is ready and able.
Oh, and she must do this for free, because we are broke and cannot afford to pay her.
Sounds like a sweet deal, right?
(Is this too much? Am I taking this too far? No? Then let’s go further)
I THINK THIS IS A GREAT IDEA.
If only there was some girl out there whose main goal in life was to be my stunt double. It would make my life a whole lot easier. And it might give me time to read a few good books this year.