Wednesday, April 27, 2011

The Smartest Woman in the World

Because I was asked so nicely to do some entertaining today by Organic Meatbag:

As I was on my way to work this morning I was listening to a Chicago radio station, 101.9fm. Great. No one cares about the radio station, but I thought I should add it in case anyone was wondering.

I tuned in a little too late to hear the whole story, but apparently someone or some group with nothing better to do did a study on whether breast size could be a sign of intelligence in women. And you want to know what they found?

They found that I am the smartest women in the world.

You see, their silly little study showed that women with larger breasts were more intelligent than women with small breasts.

Please don’t shoot the messenger. I wasn’t the one to do this study. Plus, I have no idea what the sample size was or how they tested the intelligence of the ladies. And I have no idea what they consider to be large or small. I really don’t know anything about this at all except that without evening meeting me, they already think I’m smart.

I think this is the best news ever, because without even taking an intelligence test, I just became the smartest woman in the world. I have G cups. Yes, that’s right. G as in Gigantic. G as in Gorgeous. G as in Gee whiz, don’t you look smart!

Ok, so I know there are women out there who have bigger boobs than I do, but I don’t know them so they don’t exist in my little world. And because I don’t know them, I can tell everyone that I am the smartest woman in the world. You bet I am going to take this one all the way to the bank. Not that I actually understand what that expression means, but I am still going to do it.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

It's Time to Get Me Outta Here!

Is 7 weeks too early to start counting down to a vacation?

Even if it is, my countdown has already started.

In 7 weeks Leland and I will be leaving town for my birthday, driving to Savannah, GA for a week of goofing off and misbehaving. Why Savannah, GA you might ask? Well, Leland and I love roadtrips. We were planning on taking one last year that we had to cancel because of my awesome abilities to cause extreme injury to myself. It has been nearly three years since our last vacation and we both wanted to do something this summer. And since I am the most indecisive person in the world, I sighed up for Groupons in several places around the country. I decided to let Groupon make the decision for me.

One day a few months ago the Groupon for that chosen day was 50% off a king suite at a hotel in Savannah, GA. The decision had been made. Though we were dreaming about a trip, staying in a hotel for 6 nights can be so expensive and we weren't sure if we could afford $1000 just for a hotel room. But with the amazing Groupon deal we were able to start planning our trip.

(No, this isn't a commercial for Groupon, I just really love them right now).

We were also able to book a walking tour for 50% off on Groupon, as well as 50% off a carriage ride ghost tour (Savannah is apparently a very haunted city), and I got a $60 gift certificate for a sushi restaurant for only $20. Oh, and I bought a Groupon for a dolphin watching boat ride that was 50% off.

So as I am at work and should be getting work done, I cannot stop day dreaming about getting the hell out of town. I am excited to go here:

The Juliette Gordon Low house. Juliette Gordon Low is the founder of the Girl Scouts of America, and you all know how much I heart the Girl Scouts! I am so excited to take a picture in front of it!

We will also be stopping here:

This is one of Savannah's 24 squares, and the square made famous by the opening park bench scene in Forrest Gump. Leland and I have plans to rent bikes and see all 24 squares while we are there.

But I think I am most excited about going here:

I hope to spend my birthday doing nothing but hanging out at the beach. That would make my birthday a very happy day. But for now, I am sitting in my office, looking at pictures with my head in the clouds. I know the 7 weeks will fly by, and though I really want to take my vacation, I don't want to wish away my last few weeks of still being in my 20's!

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Meet the Neighbors

This past Saturday was a beautiful spring day in my area, and for the first time in months, the neighbors were outside enjoying the weather. Leland and I even took a little time to catch up with our neighbors Dan and Margie. Dan and Margie are great neighbors, but we haven’t always been that lucky. Read on about The Drug Dealers, The Reclusive Weirdoes, and The Asshole Prankster. And because not all of our neighbors have been bad, I’ve included The Best Neighbors in the Whole Goddamn World. The Drug Dealers: Now, I cannot be absolutely sure that we had drug dealers living next door, but all evidence points to that being that case. At all hours of the day and night, random people would pull up, park on the street and leave their cars running. They would go inside, and then leave moments later. This happened at least 8 times every single day. I really wasn’t that concerned about the drugs they were dealing, however the middle of the night arguments that the man and woman had were out of control. They yelled and screamed loud enough for the whole block to have an intimate account of their arguments. Words like whore, slut, good for nothing bitch were thrown around nonstop. They got evicted shortly after we moved in because I called the landlord and complained multiple times. The Best Neighbors in the Whole Goddamn World: Right after we moved in The Best Neighbors in the Whole Goddamn World moved in right next door. They were a couple in their late 30’s who had the sweetest daughter ever. We became friends very quickly, mostly because the man would come over to our house every Friday after work with beer for everyone. Our Beer-thirty Friday nights became a tradition. On the weekends we would do hard work together, let the dogs play, grill food and drink some more. We walked into each other’s houses without knocking, and had keys to each other’s houses in case the doors were locked for some reason. I am pretty sure I cried when they told us they were moving. Even now, we still call each other “neighbor.” The Asshole Pranksters: When we moved in Leland and I expected to be the loud, annoying people on the block. So at first we were relieved to find that someone else already at that title. A single 20-something male lived two doors down. He was loud, obnoxious and rude. He had shady friends over and treated me and our then roommate Star like shit. He was a gross, chauvinist pig. So when Leland started complaining to him about the way he was treating the ladies, Asshole Prankster got pissed. Once he peed on our front porch. Another time he came over and broke two of my flower pots. During a party he was having him and some friends came over and smashed the bricks that made up our front steps. Please reports were filed but we were never able to press charges. Eventually he left us alone, but that was only after Leland went to his house and threatened him. It really worked to our advantage that Leland is big and scary. When he put a For Sale sign in his front yard Leland and I celebrated with a bottle of champagne. The Reclusive Weirdoes: When The Best Neighbors in the Whole Goddamn World moved out, the Reclusive Weirdoes moved in. The Reclusive Weirdoes are a family of five. They have two teenage boys and a girl who is probably 9 or 10 right now. They have lived right next door to us and WE NEVER SEE THEM. The young girl never plays outside. The teenage boys don’t even mow the lawn. The last time we saw the man was in the beginning of February right after we had a blizzard. I have honestly forgotten what the woman looks like because I haven’t seen her in MONTHS. Yes, they are quiet and never cause problems, but I cannot get over how weird it is that they live next door and they never emerge from their house. Dan and Margie: Dan and Margie live on the other side of us. They moved in a few years ago and are absolutely wonderful. They are about my parents age, and I think they like having Leland and I around. I think Dan sees a lot of himself in Leland. Dan was a former wild child, he loves listening to the band practice in the basement, and he loves talking to all of the band guys about music and jamming. Dan sold us our motorcycle, he plows our driveway in the winter, helps us with pretty much whatever we need in the summer. And in return I bake them pies.