Monday, March 1, 2010

I Have Sex For Tips

I have spent this past weekend worrying about money. Though money is usually tighter than I would like it to be, this week is especially tight because we have a few extra things that we have to pay for. As hard as I try to budget for everything, something always comes up, there is a bill that gets lost in the shuffle, or my gas bill ends up being twice the amount that I expected it to be.

So now my budget is all screwed up, I am keeping my fingers crossed that we make it through the week without being overdrawn, and trying to figure out how to make it through the week without any food in the house.

Do you feel bad for me yet?

That’s good.

Because I need your help. I thought that if I gave you all a small sob-story that you might be more willing to help.

No, I don’t want you to buy me food. If we are starving, I know my mom and dad will feed us (that is okay, right mom?), and if we are overdrawn at the end of the week, we’ll survive. Leland’s paycheck will be deposited and the fees will be paid. It’s not ideal, but we’ll deal with it.

What we need is more important than food and money.

WE NEED CONDOMS.

And lube.

While I was fretting over my budget, Leland told me that we were running short on condoms. And then he pointed out that we were going to need A LOT to get us through the year. Our lube as been squeezed dry. Crunching numbers, I realized that our 700 times a year project will end up costing us about $450.

We decided we need sponsors.

OR A TIP JAR.

I know there are a ton of web savvy people out there. If you find a website that is giving away free condoms or coupons, let me know.

If you want to send us a box of Trojan Magnums, send me an email and I’ll give you my address.

I know a lot of my readers are past the condom buying stage, but think of buying condoms as a fun way to spend a Monday night. You can pretend you are in high school and sneaking around behind your parent’s backs. Or buy only condoms and lube and then try and make the checkout person as uncomfortable as possible. Talk with him/her about really inappropriate things just to watch them squirm.

This is the one thing I can’t go to my mom for. She wants grandbabies and would prefer we don’t use condoms anyway. I have sent both Trojan and MensHealth.com emails asking them for help as well.

Please take pity on me and my cause. And of course, if I get my book about this project published, I will be sure to add the names of everyone who helped in the acknowledgments.

41 comments:

heartinhand said...

LOL You need a sponsor! I suggest you email the Trojan company...send them a link to your blog.

Intense Guy said...

LMAO...

Well... ummm... okay, I'll see what I can do...

Any preference on the lube?

Dollface said...

oh my gosh... your blog makes me laugh daily... cant you go to planned parenthood for free ones?! lube samples? xxxooo

wines constantly said...

I threw away a shit ton of condoms after learning I was pregnant. If only I had known, I could've sent them all to you!

I recommend hitting up a Planned Parenthood or five. I used to get my BC there, and they always had a big ol' basket of freebies sitting on the counter.

sarah said...

ditto the planned parenthood comments. i also know there's a lot of places online that offer free condoms, but i can't for the life of me think of them right now. i'll check when i'm not at work. granted my bosses already think im a freakshow but i don't really need to add fuel to the fire, if you know what i mean.

Organic Meatbag said...

Hey, just hit up the gas station bathrooms...french ticklers for 50 cents! I used to really like buying condoms back in the day...I made sure to get in the checkout lanes with the hottest chicks so they would know what I was all about...hahahaha

MiMi said...

Okay, but srsly, aren't you worried about chafing?? LOL

JenJen said...

I can score you a ton of free , flavored, glow-in-the-dark, Day-Glo condoms from our health clinic.....


but.....


they're not Magnum.

Heh heh heh. I'll be seeing your man in a whole new light next time we get together!! LUCKY WOMAN!

SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB said...

NOW i have seen it all

kristi said...

Damn. I haven't used condoms for over 8 years, thanks to getting my tubes tied! Good luck!

Oh, have I shared my other blog with you?
http://kristi-keepingitreal.blogspot.com/

cindi said...

Ditto Planned Parenthood and University and/or free clinics. I'll do what I can...when I get enough to mail, I'll let you know.

Housewife Savant said...

In my younger days I always carried a prybar into truckstop bathrooms for just such an occasion.

Gucci Mama said...

The sponsor idea is my favorite. I'd work on that were I you.

Confessions From A Working Mom said...

Honestly, if I were you, I'd contact the PR people at some of the condom companies. Tell them what you're doing, what you project the cost to be, and ask if they'll sponsor you. You might be surprised to hear what they say!

~Elizabeth
Confessions From A Working Mom

TheSingleGirl said...

Damn. I thought I was all original. I was gonna tell ya to go hit up Planned Parenthood. Tell 'em you gotta pee. Fill your pockets. Go about your business.

I was also gonna marvel at how expensive those condoms ARE. Jeez. Then I did the math. Babies may be a wee bit more costly. And they break stuff. $$$ stuff.

Start bugging Maxim?

Taylor-Made Wife said...

Love this. You are such a better woman than me. If I had money, I'd buy you a box. If I drive by a planned parenthood, I'll grab you a handful. I'm still thinking about the lube thing. Maybe you can get a recipe for it somewhere. Making it has to be cheaper than buying it right? I'll google it.

YELLOWDOG GRANNY said...

that's another reason why i haven't had sex in 24 years...who can afford the condoms..

Mandy's Life After 30 said...

I'll be happy to send you some condoms. What size, color and ribbed for your pleasure do you wear? Consider it a belated Valentine's gift from me and your gift for being a faithful reader as I celebrate my blogiversary tomorrow. Seriously, I'll send you some!~ Along with a photo of Vivian at her worst for some extra birth control effects, LOL

SafeHomeHappyMom said...

I am your latest follower!!! You can also follow me at www.safehomehappymom.com

Dual Mom said...

Go to a high school or local community college - they have them in baskets all over the place. Seriously.

skinnybitching said...

i know the feeling all too well.... ready to go and no condoms. definitly not worth the risk... the last time had me in hysterics until my blessed period came. where can i send a box for you??

KarmaPearl said...

You should totally set up a PayPal account for your condom fund.

RN Mama said...

Are you kidding me? Damn it all to hell...I just threw that huge thing of surgi-lube away at work that was expired! It was still good, we're just not allowed to have it if it's expired.

Seriously though, you're my hero. I blogged about a hickey tonight, and I almost couldn't hit the "publish" button because I was so nervous.

If I come (no pun intended) across some rubbers, I'll send them your way!

carma said...

Taylor-Made wife has a great idea about making your own DIY lube!!! maybe Martha Stewart even has a tutorial on making your own Magnums :D

michelleFFTL said...

planned parenthood or whatever should have lube too :)
my sister works in a place like that, and gives my big bag of condoms and lube occasionally.. i'll store some up and let you know when i have decent stash to send over ;)

aladdinsane12 said...

ahaha oh my god. we should start a charity or something. like a food drive, except a condom drive.

oh i know! i am obsessed with free samples and thunderfap.com usually has lube samples. who knows how big they are, though...

The Wifey said...

On Adam & Eve.com they sell condoms CHEAPLY by the bulk. We bought a huge bag in August of every type of condom and brand imagineable. We're of the nympho sort and we still have some! Haha. You should definitely look into them.

WhiteSockGirl aka The Fabulous Bitch said...

LMAO!!!! You are insane!

Let me see, I have a couple boxes, the welfare ones, that I'm using for my awareness programs. Also have a couple of femedomes,.. Would that be ok?
The lube? Nah, now you are just pushing it!

Oh, why don't you ask my good friends over at OhMiBod to help you guys it? I won a box of OhMiBod goodies last year, about 24condoms included, ... and I ABSOLUTELY love love the condoms.
Should also mention, they sent me some glow in the dark lube,.. ahem!

WhiteSockGirl aka The Fabulous Bitch said...

Ok, don't have condoms on my blog, but I left you a little something there!

Krista said...

LMAO... too cute! I am currently broke because I sent all my money to my newest friend in Nigeria. If you wait another week or two I should have my investment (plus return!) back though... sorry! LOL

Men's Health should be your sponsor for sure. After all they're responsible for this whole project!!!

hurstburst said...

Does oral sex count? No condoms or lube necessary.

The Grasshoppa:Triplets Plus Two Momma said...

Girlfriend, please do share. What is this project?

Siren said...

baby time!! no better time then when your budget is screwed up!

Mrsblogalot said...

HAAA !!!


I am all over it!

JenJen said...

I need yo address, Holmes! Feed me the rock!

Kim said...

LOL! A condom sponsor! Hilarious! You are on your own in this one from me. I hate even buying them for us! The sheer awkwardness! And I *think* Planned Parenthood gives away condoms for free. They just sit in a little container. Grab the whole thing and run! In fact I even think they give away little packets of lube too! Good luck!

Aunt Juicebox said...

This may be personal, but you are blogging openly about sex - can you use another form of birth control than condoms? I used to use contraceptive film, but maybe you could even get a diaphragm? Might be cheaper in the long run.

Secretia said...

We are condomless in our house, don't even remember how much they go for anymore. Being monogamous does have it's benefits.
Plus, it's SO much fun!

Secretia

The Mind of a Mom said...

You can try this site they say stuff is free ~
http://www.ripnroll.com/freecondoms.htm
Good Luck

Sarah Beth said...

So funny! I applaud your efforts - so looking forward to following your progress! :)

Frugal Vicki said...

Oh my gosh, totally not what I expected and so totally worth reading. Sams clubs sell condoms for cheap, lol. Like an economy pack. That is too hilarious!