Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Hump Day Hangover 3


As I am sure you can all see by the counter, Leland and I are WAY behind our goal. This week has been particularly difficult because I was sick all weekend long. We were off to a good start on Friday with morning sex and then it all went downhill from there. Our plan was to go to the climbing wall after work on Friday and then go home and have sex at least 2 more times. Yes, we were planning it. I know, not romantic or spontaneous, but we had to fit it in somewhere.

On our way home from the climbing gym that night I started to feel a little tickle in my throat. When we made it home 20 minutes later, my head was stuffed up and I was getting really fatigued. Instead of having sex, I ate dinner and went to sleep.

On Saturday morning I woke up sicker than the night before. My head was all fuzzy, I could barely breathe, and had the chills and body aches. It did not look like we were going to get any shagging in that day either.

Or so I thought.

Leland rolls over and tells me that he is going to warm me up and make me feel better. As much as I wanted to push him away, I knew we were already behind. I did what I had to do for the cause. I spread my legs.

So Leland climbs on top, and maybe 5 seconds after we actually start doing it he says:

Hold on a minute, I have to fart. It’s going to be AWESOME.

And then this follows:

Bbbbbrrrrrrrrrpppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp.

It literally lasted about 10 seconds. All while he was inside me waiting for it to end.

I couldn’t make this up if I tried.

Good thing I was stuffed up because I wasn’t able to smell anything.

Sadly, that was all the sex we had last weekend. And now I have my period and Leland usually stays away from me when I am bleeding. I am going to try to coax him into having sex with me by putting death metal music on in the background. That should get him turned on. Or I’ll have him take a shower with me. He can’t be grossed out if he can clean himself up right away.

We really need to have sex this week and weekend because Leland will be out of town all next week (in Puerto Rico again, lucky bastard) and I don’t want to get more behind than we already are. Hopefully the death metal seduction will work.

***The AWESOME picture at the top of the page and button on my sidebar was created for me by Elizabeth at Confessions From a Working Mom. She is a great friend and has an awesome blog. If you don’t know her yet, you should. She rocks my world. Thanks so much for your help Elizabeth!***

37 comments:

jv726 said...

Ok if my husband farted while doing the deed he would be DONE doing the deed for a while. Yikes!
Way to take one for the team by the way :)

Intense Guy said...

Oh dear. Your blog is like a box of assorted chocolates...

You just never know what you're gonna stumble into.

I hope you feel better soonest (like today even!)

Gee... you two need to work out a way to count in Leland's "self service" (at least for when he is away).

Gucci Mama said...

I am DYING over here. ;)

Hope you feel better soon.

foxy said...

Hahahahaha... death metal seduction is awesome. And the farting while inside thing? I'm pretty sure I've been there, but don't tell anyone. ;)

Christiejolu said...

OMG I was laughing my ass off! I love the fact you were going to put death metal on to get him in the mood! Priceless! You are awesome!

Hope you are feeling better!

wines constantly said...

Have I told you lately how much I love your blog? Never a dull moment.

Hubs and I recently shared a laugh as I have become the sex-farter of the relationship. It's totally the baby's fault. God, do I miss non-pregnant sex.

Hope you're feeling better soon!

Confessions From A Working Mom said...

Thanks for the shout out girl-- right back at ya!!!

~Elizabeth
Confessions From A Working Mom

Vodka Logic said...

Too funny. A friend of mine went home sick from work one time and her husband said I'll make you feel better...he did his bit and she had twins.. I kid you not.

xoxoKrysten said...

Oh wow, if my husband did something like that the sex would be DONE! Yikes!

KarmaPearl said...

You never, ever cease to make me laugh with your posts.

I don't think my husband or I have ever farted during sex but one time while we were dating he put on a glow in the dark condom and waved his penis around making light saber noises. Fun fact.

Amy said...

I totally mimic "Intense Guy's" sentiments:)

RN Mama said...

Omg. Shut the front door! If my husband farted while we were doing it, it would be totally over. And, I mean the whole marriage would be over;) Girl, you are a better woman than I!

Am I perverted if I say I have been waiting for today's hump day hangover post for like the last 2 days! I was so excited to see it posted!

TheSingleGirl said...

Tell Leland that bare-ass farts are NOT awesome. Nope. Nope. Nopenopenopenope. If you can survive one-a-them, he can most def survive your period.

I see you've caught the SARS as well. I hear it's spread via keyboard. I must've typed it to you. Sorry.

:(

The Girl Next Door Grows Up said...

"I did what I had to do for the cause"

You are SO effing funny!!!!

Feel better soon :-)

Nicole Renee said...

Interesting experiment you have there. Don't think I would ever want to try it but I want to know how it works out. " ) thanks for stopping by my blog!

Tracy said...

that tickle is coming to my throat today - perfect, on spring break

carma said...

curious which death metal songs are the most seductive. I'd be hard pressed to come up with one (ahhhh so much innuendo could be inferred from that sentence - must quit while I'm ahead...)

MommyLovesStilettos said...

OMG if my bf farted in the middle of sex I would make him stop. LOL

JenJen said...

PUH-HAHAHAHA

I love that he announced it like he was about to discover the cure for AIDS.

I wonder what he said afterwards...like, "YUMMMM" or "YHESS can you smell that!" My hubbs likes to rip 'em in the shower. He says he enjoys bathing in the sweet scent of pure man-fart.

SICK. I told him I wanted to vomit on his face. I think he found that equally appealing. Wth.

Taylor-Made Wife said...

Sex would be over so fast if Austin farted while he was in me. We totally do the shower sex when I am periody. Get to work catching up. I believe in you guys!

Mrsblogalot said...

I hope you feel better and I hope that Leland doesn't let it leak that farting is now an official part of sex.

Organic Meatbag said...

Hehehehe,ladies, ladies, it should not be insulting to you if your man pops out a fart now and then... I do it once in a while too! I mean, it's not a fart out of spite...it's never on purpose!

Hey, we're working hard to make you ladies feel good in the sack, so just let the fart sliiiiiide (pun kind of intended) and just lay back and enjoy the ride...yes, that rhymed unintentionally, so I am proud of that now too...

Sorry, I just had to represent for the guys... hahahaha

MiMi said...

OMG. I really don't know what to say, just OMG.
And VL's comment...What if that happened to you? Gah!

heartinhand said...

You're worried about grossing HIM out?! LOL Girl! I hope you're still blogging when you're my age because your stories are amazing!

aladdinsane12 said...

lee is such a lucky guy because if dan ever farted during sex (or even just in my presence in any situation) i'd be WAY pissed. i'm not a fan of the fart.

hmm, i never thought about how much time you lose per year due to your period. that definitely makes things trickier! hopefully the death metal will do it ;)

blueviolet said...

I just never thought about combining sexual release with gas release! LOL

Mandy's Life After 30 said...

Oh gosh! How awful on so many levels -- the sickness and the farting! Yikes! I know it's a part of life and my husband is no stranger to bodily functions and smells.... but inside of you?

Hope you feel better soon AND that your count goes up too. Perhaps all the sex was making you sick? :)

StarGazer722 said...

Oh Leland no! You are hilarious and I totally commend you for sticking with it :)

Hope you feel better soon!

WhiteSockGirl aka The Fabulous Bitch said...

Hillarious! I can't over that fart,..

I am so impressed, you sticking with it all the way!

Cyndi @ 6 Ring Circus said...

I've never read a more true story of marriage sex! A mid-thrust fart break. Priceless. :o)

The Pipster said...

Hey Yankee Girl, thanks for stopping by the Lemonade Stand. I am following. Nice post but the way! Feel better. -Pippi

The Step In Mom. . . said...

I would kill my husband if he did that... he usually waits until right after we are done.

Tracie said...

I guess there are times when one is thankful for a stuffed up nose. :)

Monique@Mommyhood Exposed said...

hysterical!

Good thing you couldn't smell it! You're a trooper-I'd be out of there before you could say "Flatulence":)

Matty said...

Okayyyyyyyy.......my very first visit here and THIS is what I read! What in the world have I gotten myself into here? I think I'll stick around to find out.

Frugal Vicki said...

WOW! So not expecting this...and definitely not expecting what popped in my mind as what you could do as retaliation at that very minute....but then he may have enjoyed it.

The Random Blogette said...

OMG! I so had the farting thing happen with an ex-boyfriend. I couldn't believe that it was happening at the time and I still can't believe that it happened. Let's just say he became an ex soon after that. I really hope that you feel better soon so you can hop back on the horse! Not that Leland is a horse or anything. You know what I mean!