Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Hump Day Hangover

Per reader request, I will have Leland share his thoughts on our little project every once in a while. So without further adu, here is Leland for this week's episode of Hump Day Hangover.

As you are probably aware, Alyson and I have quite the endeavor planned for the next 12 months. I was told that there is some interest in hearing my perspective regarding this matter. I would be happy to share, because quite frankly, why wouldn’t I be?

First off, I will provide some background. My sexual drive has been increasing the past few years. The statement Alyson made in a past post regarding me having 10 erections a day is actually pretty accurate. On average, I would say I get 5 or more random hard-ons a day. I use the word “random” because this happens even when nothing remotely sexual is playing itself out in my mind. I’ll just be at work, drafting a protocol outlining the operational process for a pharmaceutical packaging machine, and BAM! There is my dick, trying to punch through my pants like a person trying to break the window of a burning vehicle with the doors wedged shut. Sometimes, it becomes so uncomfortable that I have to masturbate in order to continue working. Let me tell you, if you have never been paid to get your own rocks off at work, you’re missing out! It’s a win-win situation.

I’ve talked to some of my buddies about my priapismic tendencies. They are all in their twenties, and all of them have said that this sort of thing stopped for them years ago. So here I am, 29 years old, and my penis has the determination of a cock half its age. I theorize that all the weightlifting I’ve done these past few years has spiked my testosterone production, but in the end, I really don’t know what’s happening.

Nonetheless, I was pleasantly surprised when Alyson thought that having sex 700 times in one year was a sweet idea. It really will help us to get into shape, and maybe my random erections will decrease as a result. Most importantly, I think doing this will decrease our frequency of arguments and keep us in a good mood. I mean, how can someone be in a shitty mood if he or she is getting laid all the time? So, for all the ladies out there that talk about “not being in the mood," I just say fuck it...literally.

37 comments:

Taylor-Made Wife said...

Awesome Leland, just awesome. You have one amazing wife! Cause let me tell you... I like sex with the husband but if he even mentioned doing it 700 times in a year, I'd probably divorce him-kidding, but it would NEVER happen

Mandy's Life After 30 said...

Good to hear from you Leland! You've got a great woman there, you must know that! Not many ladies would embark on such an ambitious journey as this one you describe.

My husband has said similar things-- about the random erections he has in one day, and that men in general are known to have. The good thing for you is that you're still peaking when like you said, most men are dying out in their 20s.

Women, on the other hand, tend to peak a bit later, typically in their 30's. So that is some good news for you and Alyson -- the best is yet to come! And I speak from experience. ;-)

One more thing to add - when you two crazy kids get ready to add another sex kitten to the mix (a.k.a. a new baby), that will actually improve your sex life even more. Your quantity may decrease due to sleeplessness and baby happenings, but the quality is fantastic!!! In fact, I'm thinking about having a second one since things have gotten so much more fun after my daughter. Just another thing to look forward to my friends! :)

LuLu Lake said...

Amazing! Love the post!

Tracy said...

Don't discount the 29 and over crowd, I can promise you there are plenty of us out there that are having sex far more often than you think. We are the ones not talking about it or complaining about it because we are getting it often, lol.

Vodka Logic said...

I want a 29 year old husband... please.

MiMi said...

Vodka Logic: Hilarious!

Anything Fits a Naked Man said...

Wow! 700 times? Man! I think I'm with the others, that's a little steep! My husband rocks my world, but I don't think my female parts could take that!!

Good luck with your "quest!"

Kim said...

OMG! I love his ending line! I'm not sure who is luckier you or him. He's willing to post on your blog but you're willing to have sex 700 times in one year! You know...I think I'm going to go with him 700 times is a whole lot of times! :)

Amy said...

This is the most interesting endeavor! Love the sex ticker at the top of the post;)

sarah said...

awesome. and i think the mood thing is spot-on. if my man and i miss a day or two, we're both super cranky until one of us has the lightbulb go off over our heads, and we're like "ohhh! DUH! we need to bone RIGHT NOW." good luck with the project and, uh, not getting caught at work. that could be awkward.

Confessions From A Working Mom said...

OMG, OMG, OMG... Leland, you are as entertaining to read as your wife! I am working on your hump day button as we speak; I'll get a version to her ASAP!

~Elizabeth
Confessions From A Working Mom

Cathy said...

I'm still confused about the random boners. Must ask husband about these.

Debbie said...

I would think 500 times wouldn't leave any time for arguing. Or much else.

carma said...

"pleasantly surprised" I'll say :D

Mrsblogalot said...

My husband loves Leland.

Just thought you should know.

Intense Guy said...

You are my hero Leland!

I found taking prozac did that to me - the random boner thingy... I had to get my medication changed - I was wearing things out...

Ahh.. to be that young again...

RN Mama said...

I'm speechless. And I'm also wondering if my husband has ever done this at work!

Great post Leland, good luck with your mission!

YELLOWDOG GRANNY said...

I haven't had sex in 24 years..can I send you my phone number?..

Together We Save said...

Stopping by from SITS to say hello!

She Writes said...

Speechelss! But not a bit surprised.

Secretia said...

You are a Lucky, make that Flucky Yankee Girl to have him be so ready. Almost 400 times in one year was enough to kill me.
Have the most amazing times!


Secretia

Christiejolu said...

That is a lot of sex! Good luck to you both! Keep up the good work! I will let you guys know if I find any free condom sites!

foxy said...

Dude, my husband would be SO FREAKING EXCITED if i agreed to have sex 700 times over the course of a year (or try at least). Shit, he'd be thrilled if i tried 100 times/year... maybe i should start there and see where that leads us....

GOOD LUCK. And i hope it really tones you up. It certainly can't hurt.

blueviolet said...

700 times in a year...wow. Just wow.

MommyLovesStilettos said...

This is awesome!

Shannon said...

Awesome. I am new to your blog but I absolutely love the two of you as a couple. I have read many of your old posts and have laughed and cried (at Leland's family trouble, hit a little too close to home and as someone who knows what you're both going through, I am sorry). But I love how happy the two of you are together. And I love the header picture of you - you are maybe the most adorable couple I've ever seen. Good luck with your exercise!

randomblogette said...

Leland, you are quite hilarious! I am looking forward to reading more of your insights!

Mademoiselle Deva said...

hahaha!!! you are super hilarious in this post. I have no idea if you intend to be, but you are! I don't know gal maybe you should try having sex everyday or couple of times during he day and then this huge dick won't happen that much... just suggestion and your fitness and mood will increase on a super high level!

just saying...

Kelly said...

You are ambitious! We do "Month of Love" where we choose a month of the year and have sex every day that month. We put all 12 in a bag and randomly draw the month. I was so excited to draw February last year. This year, we drew August. That's a long ass month!

Jen said...

Admirable quest you are on. Good luck!

The Girl Next Door Grows Up said...

That is fantastic and I absolutely LOVE the sex tracker on top of the blog !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Karls said...

Man! You are a lucky man! My husband is lucky to get a root once a month - let alone 700 times a year (I just couldn't commit to that kind of torture)

leigh said...

I can't let my husband read this.

aladdinsane12 said...

ha, lee you are definitely one lucky bastard! maybe you and dan should start working out together- i can always appreciate a little extra testosterone... :)

xoxoKrysten said...

I love both of your abilities to put it all out there. Totally awesome and a great post!

w said...

*blushing* also. i'm a little scared of you.

T!nK said...

oh my....