I was reading a blog on Friday and I literally lost control of myself at work. One minute I was happy and excited for the weekend and the next I was bawling my eyes out at my desk. I was doing that really hard crying where it is hard to breathe and controlling the snot coming out of your nose is not an option. It really was not pretty. Lucky for me the boss was out of the office when it happened.
What was the big deal, you may ask?
The Single Girl wrote this really beautiful story of the birth of her daughter and I lost it less than half way through.
I don’t have babies.
I really, really want babies.
Even though Leland and I always use a condom, I cry every time I get my period. I secretly (now not so secretly) hope that the condom will break. I want to get pregnant so badly that it hurts.
I posted a while back about how frustrating it is when people ask me when I am going to have kids and honestly, the only reason it bothers me is because I am afraid I will start crying.
Leland knows how I feel but he is trying to be rational and logical about having babies. He wants to wait until we are in a better financial position. He wants the market to turn so we can sell our house because neither of us really wants to have a baby in our house. He wants to make sure he is absolutely 100% sure he is ready to be a daddy.
I understand how he feels but am starting to get impatient.
(What is written above was written on Friday in the midst of my emotional breakdown. The rest was written this morning when I have a much clearer head.)
It amazes me how the desperate need for a baby comes and goes. On Friday, I couldn’t think of anything else. I spent the afternoon calling a ton of girlfriends in order to calm down. But since it was a Friday afternoon and everyone was working, I called Danny. So not a woman but he did his very best to channel his inner estrogen and act like a girlfriend.
And he was awesome and wonderful and made everything better.
We spent this past weekend visiting some friends in Michigan. We picked up Donnie and Annette on the way and drove the 6 hours to see Adam and Janice. It was a pretty low key weekend that consisted of a lot of drinking, beer bongs, greasy yet delicious pizza, playing games and waking up hung over.
On the drive home, Donnie and Annette slept in the back seat while Leland kept me company up front. We were listening to some music and chatting quietly and I realized that I love it when it is just us. We were talking about things we needed to do for our road trip, stuff we wanted to get done this week, we laughed about some of the things that happened over the weekend. As I was driving and holding his hand I realized that while I do want to have babies soon, I don’t think I want them too soon. I do like the way my life is and do want to be able to spend some more time with Leland without any little monsters running around.
Now it’s Monday morning and I am fine. I actually feel a little silly for getting so upset on Friday. Yes, I want a baby. I have never kept that a secret from anyone. I guess there will just be times when it bothers me that I don’t have one yet and times when it won’t. What I have to make sure I do is enjoy every single moment that I have left without children because once they come I will not be able to get that freedom back.
I am sure I’ll have more emotional breakdowns in the future, but for now, this one is under wraps. Leland is going to be out of town for work next week and I am looking forward to the time to myself. I am looking forward to the awesome summer that Leland and I have planned. I am looking forward to being good to myself and taking better care of myself. For now, it’s just me and Leland.
And I am happy about that.