Monday, February 8, 2010

The Fever

I was reading a blog on Friday and I literally lost control of myself at work. One minute I was happy and excited for the weekend and the next I was bawling my eyes out at my desk. I was doing that really hard crying where it is hard to breathe and controlling the snot coming out of your nose is not an option. It really was not pretty. Lucky for me the boss was out of the office when it happened.

What was the big deal, you may ask?

Babies.

The Single Girl wrote this really beautiful story of the birth of her daughter and I lost it less than half way through.

I don’t have babies.

I really, really want babies.

Even though Leland and I always use a condom, I cry every time I get my period. I secretly (now not so secretly) hope that the condom will break. I want to get pregnant so badly that it hurts.

I posted a while back about how frustrating it is when people ask me when I am going to have kids and honestly, the only reason it bothers me is because I am afraid I will start crying.

Leland knows how I feel but he is trying to be rational and logical about having babies. He wants to wait until we are in a better financial position. He wants the market to turn so we can sell our house because neither of us really wants to have a baby in our house. He wants to make sure he is absolutely 100% sure he is ready to be a daddy.

I understand how he feels but am starting to get impatient.

(What is written above was written on Friday in the midst of my emotional breakdown. The rest was written this morning when I have a much clearer head.)

It amazes me how the desperate need for a baby comes and goes. On Friday, I couldn’t think of anything else. I spent the afternoon calling a ton of girlfriends in order to calm down. But since it was a Friday afternoon and everyone was working, I called Danny. So not a woman but he did his very best to channel his inner estrogen and act like a girlfriend.

And he was awesome and wonderful and made everything better.

We spent this past weekend visiting some friends in Michigan. We picked up Donnie and Annette on the way and drove the 6 hours to see Adam and Janice. It was a pretty low key weekend that consisted of a lot of drinking, beer bongs, greasy yet delicious pizza, playing games and waking up hung over.

On the drive home, Donnie and Annette slept in the back seat while Leland kept me company up front. We were listening to some music and chatting quietly and I realized that I love it when it is just us. We were talking about things we needed to do for our road trip, stuff we wanted to get done this week, we laughed about some of the things that happened over the weekend. As I was driving and holding his hand I realized that while I do want to have babies soon, I don’t think I want them too soon. I do like the way my life is and do want to be able to spend some more time with Leland without any little monsters running around.

Now it’s Monday morning and I am fine. I actually feel a little silly for getting so upset on Friday. Yes, I want a baby. I have never kept that a secret from anyone. I guess there will just be times when it bothers me that I don’t have one yet and times when it won’t. What I have to make sure I do is enjoy every single moment that I have left without children because once they come I will not be able to get that freedom back.

I am sure I’ll have more emotional breakdowns in the future, but for now, this one is under wraps. Leland is going to be out of town for work next week and I am looking forward to the time to myself. I am looking forward to the awesome summer that Leland and I have planned. I am looking forward to being good to myself and taking better care of myself. For now, it’s just me and Leland.

And I am happy about that.

36 comments:

Dollface said...

Dont be sad... your day will come... I know it!! xxxoo

sarah said...

aww this post made me sad and happy at the same time. thanks for sharing something so personal with us.. and i hope you and leland are able to enjoy every single child-free minute you can with each other until the time is right. hugs :)

Cathy said...

You know how I feel about babies right now. I think I would have that crying attack if I found out I was pregnant. It would scare the crap outta me. I am so. not. there.

We watched the superbowl with some friends who have a 2 1/2 year old and are expecting their second in June. They are great parents and their son is a kid that I would be willing to steal(I freaking love him). They make a great little family, but I am in no way envious of their life. It's perfect for them, but not for us. That's the beauty of it, though. Everyone has a life they were meant to lead. You obviously know you want to be a mother and because of that you will be a great one. I loved the honesty in this post and from what I hear "when you're ready, you'll know".

Kathie @ Just a Happy Housewife said...

I know how you feel! Our waiting isn't planned, we'd get pregnant now if we could, but still sometimes I want a baby so bad and then other times I'm grateful that it hasn't happened yet.

jv726 said...

I could have written that same exact post at some point in the last couple months! It is so hard to see friends with babies and not have one..but then the moments with just you and your husband are so great that you cant help but cherish that you are not being bugged by a little one! I completely understand :)
Enjoy the time with Leland and when the time is right there will be a baby in your life :) (This is what I am telling myself right now too!)

strugglingwriter said...

Totally understand.

However, what I wouldn't give for a full week of "just us" with my wife. Just one week. We look back from time to time to how things were, which I guess is the opposite direction you look in. Still, there are some great times with the kids.

Also, people that constantly ask "when are you having kids" should be destroyed. That question starts at the reception of the wedding for some people. Grr.

Homesick Cajun said...

You'll have one when you're both ready! Trust me...you're lucky that you can just pick up and go out of town on the weekends without having to drag 100 baby "items" with you. Have fun as long as you can!

Not that having a baby isn't fun, it's awesome, but it also ties you down!

Best of luck to you!

Vodka Logic said...

If I can impart some wisdom. You are never rich enough [at least us ordinary folk] and you are never 100% ready.

Of course being careless is silly too... its a tough decision. :)

JenJen said...

I agree with Vodka Logic's theory...Aaron is the same way. He wants us to be financially stable before we try for another...but I don't think you can ever be stable enough. It would be waaaay too easy and boring!

You're going to make a wonderful Mommy. What a lucky egg.

Always a Southern Girl said...

I feel your pain girl! I have been trying to get pregnant for 5 years with no success. I just laugh it off when people ask me about it. Even though inside I am hurting.

Adorably Distracted... said...

I am the SAME way!!! We're waiting for some financial things to turn around also. I know personally I would like to know where i'm at in the working world. But I really want to have a baby soon!

It will come though! and it will be perfect for you!

Confessions From A Working Mom said...

Let me tell ya, the desperate need for a baby doesn't end when you have one... I am at the same place as you with regards to wanting baby #2. Sometimes, I bug DH to no end about my baby fever; other times, I am ready to secretly get rid of my IUD and get pregnant already!

LOL about Stepbrothers-- sometimes I think you and I are living the same life, hundreds of miles apart!

~Elizabeth
Confessions From A Working Mom

Monique-aka-Surferwife23 said...

You know, if it were up to me to choose to have a baby, I'm not sure the time would ever be right. Or that I would be financial set. Or I would be in the right place and ready.

Luckily I turned up pregnant twice because I may have went on and on questioning just when the time is right. Make sure you listen closely to what your subcinscience is telling you. You just might be more ready for that baby than you think!!

Samantha said...

My husband are at that point where we're just waiting until we feel more secure financially before we have our first child. I agree with Vodka Logic, though, in that no one is ever 100% ready, all things considered. It'll happen for you two when it's meant to, and in the meantime, enjoy all the time together with just the two of you!! You'll never get this time back!

Tracy said...

when the time is right, it will happen, babies have a way of doing that.

kristi said...

I think you are smart to take your time. I had my first in the first year of marriage, almost. I was 7 months prego on our 1st year anniversary. Oh the things we did not get to do because we rushed having a baby. But I know how you feel, I had to really beg hubby for a try at #2, hence the 6 year gap in our kids.
HUGS!!

aladdinsane12 said...

Don't worry- you still have many, many childbearing years ahead of you! You're totally right that once you have kids, you can't go back, so you should really make the most of your "single" life while you can.

P.S. Danny does make a pretty good girlfriend...I mean boyfriend...

YELLOWDOG GRANNY said...

I was married for 5 years before I had my first kid...couldn't walk into the baby dept of any store without breaking down crying..chin up tits out.

TheSingleGirl said...

Glad to have moved ya, even though I'm not thrilled to hear that you were upset.

FIRST of all. Listen up, luvie. Don't ever freaking apologize for feeling a certain way. Your feelings are 100% valid, no matter WHO's birthday it is. (The Cute thanks you for the wishes and sends you some 7-tooth-bites, by the way.) Are you not the one who totally validates my tweaking on rude laundry room wenches? That's what I thought.

I am so sorry to hear how frustrated you are. Ain't life a kick in the ovaries? Your future child is SO blessed to be wanted to badly. To be loved like that?! My GOD. You are gonna make one amazing mom.

carma said...

This post started out so sad, and then you came full circle. Phew! You are wise to take care of yourself first and take your time. But don't overthink it too much! MB and I are so regimented I often remark that it is a good thing we just "went for it" because if we gave it too much thought like we do with everything else, we probably never would have had a kid. And you know much joy VC has brought to our lives. I literally never even babysat or spent much time around babies so it was a BIT of an adjustment!

I have no doubt that you and Leland will have the coolest baby in the neighborhood!!!

Kat @ www.TodaysCliche.com said...

Just loved this post... coming from SITS. Random, but are you going to Bloggy Boot Camp in Baltimore?

Secretia said...

My opinion dear, is that you shouldn't wait any longer! A good enough financial time will never come anuway. Have a baby now while you still can. It's worth the financial risk. And the sex will be better than ever without condoms too.
I'll pray for you two.

Secretia

Keeper of the Skies Wife said...

Us women and our emotions, huh!!

We are up & down, yes & no, I want no I don't....

I know my girls are grown and I so enjoyed every moment of them growing up......I am LOVING my time alone with John. It feels good.

You both will know when the time is right to have a baby.

Enjoy your time together now.

Glad you are out of your emotional rut. :)

Nikki said...

It will totally be your turn one day! And honestly, when you are stuck at home with a sick toddler, you will miss the spontaneity of the life you have now. Both are wonderful - and wonderfully different - and you will be able to appreciate both!

Popped over from SITS and really like your blog!

McVal said...

You will be amazed at how much more you have to talk about with to your husband when you do have kids. Unfortunately the conversations will usually center around bodily functions... of the kids... :)
My 18 year old is moving back in this week. His 6 month hiatus of attempting to live on his own (with friends) is leaving him broke and hungry... Maybe he'll try relaunching when he's a little older & wiser...

Tracie said...

I'm still not ready to be a parent and my oldest will be 10 next week. You're going to be a great mom. I'm glad you'be been able to get some perspective on the situation.

Trust me life will never be as carefree/fun/easy post-kids. Enjoy each other while you can.

LiLu said...

Awww. It will make it so much better to wait and be able to give your child everything you want to... but I hear ya. ;-)

SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB said...

ok ok leland is rational blah blah blah but let me say this

if we all waited to be financially responsible to have kids - 98% of us would have none.

crossing my fingers for a 'lucky accident' and i like you wanted a 2nd baby and yet husband was no, no, no and TRULY did get preggo on accident and she is such a blessing in our lives and we can't imagine life w/o her and we don't even THINK about the financial side of it

you just do it b/c you love 'em and you find a way

Bless you girl :)

The Only Girl said...

There's never the "perfect" time. Just enjoy your time together while you have it.

Together We Save said...

Enjoy your time together... when the time is right you can try for a baby.

Kate said...

Aw don't be sad. I think we all get days of feeling a little bummed out about not having what we want but it sounds like you are being really sensible and when the time comes I am sure you will be super happy.

Kate xx

Mandy's Life After 30 said...

We're about to leave on a road trip tomorrow, four hours. And instead of packing a quick suitcase and beer I have to make a list: diapers, play pen, stroller, medicines for a toddler, special pillow, etc. So much CRAP is involved in going on a trip with a child! I'm glad you realize that your alone time is special and precious because it is! Believe me, I crave alone time and just hubby time these days. Kirk and I waited five years before we had Vivian. I guess we weren't really ready but we both wanted a child at the same time and that was helpful. Bless you for being patient and giving Leland more time. The fact is that you have time. You're both still young. You're both healthy and vibrant people. And you'll be wonderful parents.... someday. If I were you, I'd just journal your feelings month to month until it feels more ready. That will make the journey to motherhood more special and more rewarding when it does actually happen.

In the mean time, feel free to come down to Florida and play with Viva the Diva. That may change your mind or seal the deal for you. :-)

Kim said...

That's why it's called the fever! One moment it's all you can think about and the next it's passed. Just think that if you'd had a little one this weekend would have been sooooo dramatically different. Babysitters have to be lined up or packing and prepping has to be done to take baby. And while your there plans revolve around baby or what baby is up too back home. Enjoy your non-baby time while you can! You can't get that back!

heartinhand said...

I had my babies when I was 21 and 26 and didn't give it a second thought. I look back now and wonder how in the hell we did it because we didn't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out. I can honestly say I wouldn't change a thing about it. Babies change your life like icing changes cake.

Summer said...

I know it's hard....and I know you've heard all the advice...

But.

Let me just tell you, yes being a mother is amazing. On the other hand, so is freedom and peace and quiet.

Girl enjoy it now, be in the moment....otherwise you will miss out on what you get to have RIGHT NOW!

In time, you'll be crying because you want someone else to TAKE your kids. =)

The Girl Next Door Grows Up said...

That really was a sweet post. I totally understand your yearning, but then was so happy to read your follow-up because the time you two have together really is priceless.