Friday, January 29, 2010

On The Road

Leland and I love road trips. Together we have driven to Philadelphia, New Jersey, New Orleans, South Dakota, Wyoming, Texas, West Virginia, and probably a couple other places that I am forgetting right now.

Last weekend we were driving around running errands and we realized that it has been almost two years since our last road trip. That is entirely too long for us. Over the nearly 8 years of our relationship we have taken a road trips approximately every 6 months. So as you can imagine, we are experiencing some road trip withdrawal symptoms. We had planned on going to Austin, Texas after this past Christmas and that fell through for various reasons, and then our ice fishing excursion in Minnesota also fell through due to Leland’s work schedule.

We need a road trip.

For the sake of our sanity.

For the sake of our relationship.

So while we were running our errands and missing our road trips, we opened our handy atlas and started looking for a place to go.

Well, Leland pulled out the atlas and started naming places off to me. I was driving. Driving and looking at the atlas is not a smart combination.

After tossing around a few ideas such as camping in the Grand Canyon and driving west to Seattle, we decided to take an east coast road trip.

Our plan?

First we will head to West Virginia to visit a friend there, then stop in DC, Baltimore, Philly, New York, and then drive up the coast to Maine, stopping in every state along the way.

We have plans to make Intense Guy take us to Pat’s and Geno’s for cheese steaks.

I am expecting The Single Girl and her man and beautiful baby to meet us for dinner.

And any other of you east coasters to let me know where you live and if you want to show us around your town. I am always up for meeting my friends!

The only bad part?

We are waiting until July to take the trip. Since we are planning on taking at least two weeks, we have to do that whole saving money thing. At least we have something to look forward to and plan. I love planning road trips.

p.s. Does anyone live in Delaware? I was looking online for things to do in Delaware and have found nothing. There has to be something to do!

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Saturday Morning at the DMV

You know where I consider to be the most fun place in the world?

The DMV.

I love it there.

It always makes me warm and fuzzy inside.

You know that warm and fuzzy feeling you get right before you throw up?

That’s the feeling I’m talking about. It’s awesome. The perfect way to spend a Saturday morning.

A few months ago I was actually lucky enough to get to spend my Saturday morning at the DMV. I had lost my drivers license, and after looking for it for days, I decided the best thing to do was haul my ass to the DMV and get a new one. It made me nervous driving around without a license so I decided to give up the search for the old one and let myself experience the paradise that is the DMV.

When I walked in I headed straight to the info booth. I had a few forms of identification on me and I wanted to be sure it was enough to get a new license. A woman and a very old man were standing behind the booth. The woman was wearing a beautiful scowl on her face.

Awesome, I though to myself. She looks like she can’t wait to help me. My presence is probably making her day.

Our interaction when something like this:

“Hi, I need to get a new license. What do I need to do in order to make that happen?” I asked.

“What’s wrong with the license you have?” wonderfully nice lady asked.

“I lost it,” I replied.

“You lost it because you were being careless and stupid?” super sweet woman asked.

“No, I just lost it,” I said.

This is where the pleasant woman shows just how nice (and smart) she is:

“A driver’s license isn’t something you can just throw away. It needs to be respected. It is a federal document and you people think you can just come in here and get a new one whenever you want it. Well it’s not happening on my watch.”

And this is where I start to lose my cool:

“You think I’m careless and stupid? Well a driver’s license is not a federal document. It’s a state document. And yes, I think I can get a new one whenever I want because it is my right as a valid license holder. You may not want to tell me what I need to get a new license, but somebody in this building will.”

And then the nice lady starts yelling.


Finally the old man standing next to her decides to say something.

“Linda, you are out of line and the one who was being rude first. Do you mean to tell me that you have never lost anything in your life? Because right now it looks like you have lost your mind. You really need to settle down.”

After that the nice old man told me I had everything I needed to get a license and sent me in the right direction. Linda just stood there, scowling as usual. I couldn’t help but look at her and smile and wink.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010


I know tons of people who say they don’t regret anything from their lives. I find this very hard to believe. Though we would all like to say that we don’t consider them regrets because we learned from them, either way, they are still regrets. I don’t focus on my regrets very often, but sometimes they sneak up on me and I have to pay them a little attention.

Ten things that I regret from my life:

1. I regret not going away to college. I was young and scared and was not brave enough to leave my family and go where I really wanted to go, which was the University of Missouri at Columbia, or Flagler College in St. Augustine, Fl. Though if I had done that I would never have met Leland. I love my life with Leland but still wish I had the experience of going away to college.

2. I regret not looking for a new job a few years ago when I just started getting sick of where I work. Now the economy is bad and I’m going to be stuck here for a while.

3. I regret buying a Volkswagen after I totaled my Neon. It was a stupid, flashy purchase and I didn’t make enough money to support the payments. Plus, I didn’t know anything about Turbo engines. Had I known they like to fail after 2 years and need to be replaced, I would never I bought the car. I DO NOT regret trading it in and buying the Honda Element. I love my Element.

4. I regret not paying attention to the weight gain as soon as it started.

5. I regret trusting some people and considering them friends. I wish I could take back the secrets or personal feelings I have told them. I don’t like that these people who I was naïve enough to trust know so much about me.

6. I regret getting my first credit card. Big mistake.

7. I regret going to Roosevelt University and spending a ton of money I don’t have to get my college education. I could have gone to a state school and got the same education I got at the private school and spent way less money.

I guess I lied. I can only think of 7 things. Maybe that makes me lucky. However, I know I have a lot of living left to do and I know I will make more mistakes along the way and possibly end up with more regrets. Though I will do my best to keep the regrets at a minimum, I will not be so naïve to think that I will not have any more.

Some updates:
I have not been doing so well with my NY resolutions. I was sick for 10 days so I didn’t do any walking. My home computer is broken so I haven’t been doing any writing. I haven’t been to the library so I haven’t been doing any reading. I have a lot of catching up to do. I’m not giving up though. Leland is planning on getting our computer fixed this week so hopefully it will be up and running by February, and now that I am feeling better I will be back at the gym, eavesdropping on other people’s conversations. As for reading, I just really need to do it. I have plans to go to the library after work today so hopefully I will find some books that will keep me reading.

Friday, January 22, 2010

MUST Love This Dog

Leland was at band practice last night and I was home hanging out with my dog Bacchus. AKA The Bachman. Although I am sure many of you would disagree with me, he really is the coolest dog in the world. When I was sick last week, he took care of me. He put on his nurse’s hat and brought me hot tea all day long.

Bacchus is so secure in his masculinity that he is not afraid to wear a nurse’s hat.

At first I thought he would have trouble bringing me tea because of his lack of opposable thumbs, but somehow he managed. He really is magical.

While we were hanging out together all last week while I was drowning in snot, Bacchus mentioned to me how he feels slighted by my blog. He told me he reads it everyday and was bothered that he hasn’t even been mentioned in months.

He said he was hurt because all of the funny/weird/creepy things Leland does and says make it into the blog, but the million cute and funny things that he does never get mentioned. I told him I would fix the problem right away.

Bacchus is our VERY loving Chesapeake Bay Retriever. He came to us 3 ½ years ago when he was six months old. One of the doctors I worked with at the Animal Emergency Clinic is a breeder of Chessies and Bacchus was the one dog she couldn’t place in a home because he is a genetic reject. He has an under bite and back paws that point outward instead of forward. Because she couldn’t sell him or show him, she gave him to me for free. He is the best free thing I ever got.

Here are some awesome facts about The Bachman:

- He is so excited every time he sees us that he jumps up at least 20 times. He literally jumps straight up, getting all four paws off the ground at the same time. He does this when we get home from work, and even if we are just getting out of the bathroom. Every time he sees us he acts like he hasn’t seen us for hours.
- When he is done jumping up, he starts turning in circles. We call this his happy dance. He doesn’t chase his tail, he just spins in circles. He will even do it on command.
- He never wakes us up in the morning. He will let us sleep as long as we want and hold his urine for as long as it takes. During the week, as soon as my alarm goes off he gets out of his bed and comes and licks my elbow one time. I think he does it to let me know he is awake and I need to take care of him. But after he licks my elbow he just lays next to my bed and patiently waits for me to get up.
- Once I do get up he immediately starts spinning in circles.
- He loves to swim.

- He eats nearly everything. Garlic, horseradish, peppers, fish, fruit, vegetables…he will not eat almonds though.
- He never chews or eats anything he isn’t supposed to, like shoes or furniture.
- He has been known to wrangle a steak out of the sink while it was defrosting and eat the entire thing.
- He loves to give kisses and has learned that he can kiss Leland all over his face but can only kiss my on my chin.
- He loves to play fetch and he is really good at it. He will bring the ball right back and place it in my hand. He makes it so easy that we can play with him with our eyes closed.
- He knows he cannot lay on the couch except when he is invited up. Though sometimes he does like to invite himself up when we are both sitting on the couch together. He thinks he is a small dog.

- He loves people. In the warmer months when people are out walking, he will run up to them barking and wagging. Though most of the people in our neighborhood know him by now, he scares everyone he first meets because he has a powerful bark. But after a while they learn that he is running up to them because he wants to play. He thinks that everyone was put on this earth to play with him.
- He is off-leash trained. When we take him for walks he stays right by our side the whole time. When we stop walking, he immediately sits and waits. When we are walking, he never leaves to run up to people.
- He lets me clip his nails, clean his ears, brush his teeth and give him a bath without complaining at all. I think he likes any type of attention.
- He protects the house. Though he has never bit anyone and I honestly don’t think he knows how to bite, he has been known to chase people out of our house with his strong, loud bark.

Can you tell that I love him?

He makes me all warm and fuzzy inside.

Hopefully this post will make him happy and he can stop nagging me to give him some blog love. I’ll have to do better to remember his sensitive needs in the future.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Pour Some Sugar On Me

I have spent the last week sick. Apparently there is a nasty cold going around that has been keeping some people sick for weeks. Looks like I am one of them.

Since last Thursday, I have been spending my days sleeping or laying on the couch watching some really bad daytime television. I watched some bad movies on HBO like What Happens in Vegas and Yes Man and got more sleep in the past six days than I probably did in the entire month of December.

While I was on the couch making my way through three (yes, three) boxes of Kleenex, I saw two commercials that made me say What the Fuck? out loud.

The first one looked like it was going to be an innocent cereal commercial but it tricked me big time. I thought it was weird that what I thought was a cereal commercial had a tag on the bottom of the screen that said it was paid for by a corn company. Everything was cleared up though when the people in the commercial started saying that high fructose corn syrup was good for you because it was made with corn.


With Americans being fatter than ever a corn company is actually telling people that high fructose corn syrup is good for us? As we all know, high fructose corn syrup is sugar. And the only thing sugar does for us is make us fat. So please Mr. Corn Company, please, please, please tell me how high fructose corn syrup can possibly be good for me. I am dying to know how you are going to spin this one.

The second commercial not only made me say What the fuck?, it also made me laugh out loud. I laughed so hard that boogers actually shot out of my nose and landed all over my shirt.

The second commercial was a Taco Bell commercial promoting their Taco Bell Drive-Thru Diet. That’s right, dear readers. Taco Bell is trying to convince people that their food is diet food. The woman in the commercial says that she replaced her usual fast food with the Taco Bell Drive-Thru Diet food.

Although I am not an expert on losing weight, I am going to take a stab in the dark here and proclaim that if you are trying to lose weight and be healthy, YOU SHOULD STAY AWAY FROM ALL FAST FOOD. Replacing it with Taco Bell does not seem like a smart idea. I don’t care that the drive-thru diet uses the Fresco menu, which takes off all cheese and sauces and replaces it with salsa. I don’t care that one taco may only be 150 calories. It’s still not good food and no one should be eating it.

I struggle with my weight every day, and every day I make decisions about what I am going to put in my body. I am glad that I am smart enough to know that high fructose corn syrup and Taco Bell does not make a healthy diet.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Struggles of a Band Wife

As most of you know, Leland plays in 2.5 bands. He joined his first band shortly after we started dating and played with the same guys until a year ago. When he played in that band it rarely got in the way of our relationship. I liked when he went to band practice and enjoyed seeing him play. They usually played shows every other weekend. Last October that band broke up because we were planning on moving.

At first we both really liked that he didn’t have band practice three times a week and I especially loved that I didn’t have to hear them practice in my basement three times a week. We were in a state of bliss.

That only lasted about a month.

After that we started arguing all the time. We were always together and were getting pretty damn sick of each other. During the summer it became clear that Leland needed to play in a band again. I needed some time to myself and he needed to do something that made him so happy. So he joined a cover band that plays hard rock music. A week after that, he was invited to join a death metal band. Since Leland is metal at heart, he couldn’t pass it up. I even encouraged it. I was happy for him and was happy to see him so happy.

For the past few months, Leland was practicing with both bands but only playing shows with the cover band. He played maybe one show a month. I thought it was perfect.

Now the metal band is ready to start playing out and the other guitar player is booking shows like crazy. Between both bands, he is playing a show nearly every single weekend. This does not make me happy. I have and will always support his music, but I cannot handle not being able to plan things for our life because he is booked with gigs. The madness has just started and it is already getting on my nerves.

What’s a band wife to do? I don’t want to tell him what he can and can’t do, but I also don’t want to miss out on doing things that I want us to do together because of the band. Do I try and limit the amount of shows he plays each month? Or do I let him do what he wants and then hope that he will realize that he is missing out on time spent with me? I tried talking to him about it and he says it will only last for a little while, just until the metal band gets more exposure. But in my experience, the more exposure a band gets means that they are offered more shows.

I’m getting frustrated. Can you tell?

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Eavesdropping at the Gym and Two New Bloggers

I made it to the gym last night and somehow managed to score a treadmill. Score a treadmill, not score on a treadmill like I had originally typed. Though that would seem appropriate based on the direction my posts have been taking lately.

I was walking along and doing my thing. I had a book with me and was doing my best to read and walk. With the reading and walking resolutions I thought it was best to try and kill two birds. It was working fairly well for me. Aside from one minor stumble, walking on a treadmill and reading at the same time wasn’t too tricky. I was deep into my book, reading a story about the author’s travel adventures in Bali when I was interrupted by two women getting on the treadmills next to me.

I was trying not to listen to their conversation and just kept on reading my book. However, when one of the women said, “I know this is the third time he has cheated on me but I trust him and I know he won’t do it again,” I just couldn’t help but look over and give her my best WTFuck look. The woman was cheated on by the same guy three times and she trusts him? Is she out of her mind?

I almost fell off the treadmill when her friend said, “Brad is a really good guy. If you want to make the relationship work you have to trust him.” Is she fucking out of her mind? I’m sorry, but I don’t even know Brad and I already know he is not a good guy.

Afraid I was going to open my mouth and say something inappropriate, I got my ass off the treadmill and left the gym.

My friend Kathryn has recently started a blog. You can find her over at She Don't Make False Claims. She is smart, funny, edgy and dating my very, very good friend Danny. The best part is that I actually like her! In case you don’t remember, Danny is the co-founder of Murderboner. Though nothing has been happening with Murderboner lately, I am sure Leland and Danny will be playing music together once Danny finishes school in May. Anyway, please check out Kathryn’s blog. It’s brand new so you can catch up pretty damn quickly. She is in the middle of writing a funny travel story that you don’t want to miss out on reading.

I just found out yesterday that Siren has started a blog. For those of you who are new, Siren is my best friend and hetero life partner. She has been on-again-off-again blogging for a while and I think she has committed to her new blog Siren and the occasional song. If she gets some comments maybe it'll make her keep writing. Please give her a visit.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Proceed With Caution. Really.

As promised…

During the whole “Alyson has a torn vagina” fiasco, Leland was getting fairly sexually frustrated. Can you blame him? He had a wife that didn’t put out. That’s enough to drive any man crazy. It was driving me crazy too, but mostly because not only could I not have sex, I had to listen to Leland complain about it on a daily basis. Sometimes I actually had to hear about it on an hourly basis. You can imagine how much fun this was for me. He was the one complaining?

I was the one with the torn vagina.

Shouldn’t I have been the one complaining?

And shouldn’t he have been more understanding?

Oh, I’m sorry, I seemed to have forgotten for a second that Leland is a man and thinks with this dick. My mistake.

Being a dutiful wife (insert sarcasm here), I did whatever I could to fulfill Leland’s sexual needs, short of letting him put it in my ass. I gave him blowies, let him come on my tits or my ass, even turned the pages of his favorite girl-on-girl porn magazine has he jerked one off. I really tried to make him happy.

After one particularly annoying day dealing with Leland’s complaining, I decided I was going to give him the BEST BLOW JOB EVER. Maybe, just maybe, it would shut him up for a little while. That night we made dinner, snuggled on the couch, had a few glasses of boxed sangria and then went upstairs to go to bed. I put on some moves, Leland got excited, and I proceeded with the aforementioned blowie. I was doing my best to make it the best blow job ever and Leland was appreciating all of my hard work. He was so in to it that he actually broke my number one blow job rule and put his hand on my head and pushed his dick deeper into my throat.

I hate it when he does that. I am the one giving the BJ, I know what I am doing and he really just needs to put his hands elsewhere. But it was the best blow job ever, so I forgave him for forgetting my most important rule.

However, when I pulled back, I felt a little rumble in my stomach. This didn’t surprise me because I had just been gagged with a dick, and has happened before without turning into anything. I just kept going. My stomach was getting a little worse and I thought about stopping, but just as I was going to take his dick out of my mouth, Leland said he was about to come.

Don’t give up now, I told myself, just a little longer and Leland will be happy you gave him the best blow job ever. After that I really don’t know what happened. Maybe it was the warm gush into my mouth or maybe my stomach was angrier than I thought, but just as Leland was squirting into my mouth, the sangria was coming out.


Leland didn’t seem to care that I made a very red, sticky, smelly mess all over the bed, and why should he? He just got the best blow job ever. I, on the other hand, just threw up all over the bed and had to clean it up while Leland just sat there in a state of ecstasy.

Seems a little unfair to me.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Moustasches and Decapitation

Did you miss me???

I missed all of you!!!

Before I start with my storytelling, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! May 2010 bring only good things to all of you!

Today is my first day back to work after being off for 11 days. When I took 11 days off of work I never intended on taking 11 days off of blogging as well. But it happened. Leland was off of work as well and we spent the 11 days doing a lot of partying and a lot of being lazy. Christmas was spent relaxing with my family, drinking a lot of wine, and eating a lot of food. Siren came to visit for a week on the 27th. This is when all the partying happened. Her birthday was on the 28th and Leland’s birthday was on the 29th so we had an 80’s party for both of them.

I'm not quite sure what they are looking at in this picture...

Smashing cake in each other's face. I somehow managed to dodge Siren when she came after me.

Leland and Siren attacking the pinata. Yes, we got a pinata for the party and it was so much fun! We made everyone do a shot before their turn. We were lucky no one puked while they were being spun around.

That's me taking a swing.

On Leland’s birthday we used the BB gun Leland got for Christmas to shoot plastic army men in the basement. It probably wasn’t the safest thing to be in a basement with BB’s flying everywhere, but we didn’t care. Decapitating plastic army men was way too fun to stop and think about our safety. We all eventually made it out of the basement without shooting our eyes out.

That's the army guy whose head I blew off with the BB gun.

New Year’s Eve was at my house. We had a few friends over and played beer pong, shot at more army men, did shots and toasted away 2009. It was pretty low-key but we all had a good time. Siren and I had to be up at 5am the next morning to get her to the airport in time for her flight home so I didn’t get drunk and didn’t wake up with a hangover!

Siren and I having fun with moustaches.

Me and Siren

Leland doing something to my head.

This past weekend was really quiet and relaxing. Leland and I spent nearly the entire weekend playing with the Wii I got him for his birthday. We made it to the gym on both Saturday and Sunday, which is something we haven’t managed to do in months. Even though I hate the gym, it definitely felt good to get back into the routine. Once we were there, I realized how hard it is going to be to walk 2010 miles this year. Four days into the year and I am already behind. It is so cold right now that walking outside really isn’t a viable option for me, and walking at the gym for hours at a time just isn’t my idea of a good time. For now I am planning to do as much walking as I possibly can now, and then make up the miles big time once the weather starts getting warmer. Once it’s warm outside, taking morning, afternoon and evening walks will be much more possible and enjoyable. But that’s a long time away.

Now that the holidays are over, I can already feel myself slipping into a winter depression. It hate the cold weather. Just over a year ago, Leland and I decided to move to Austin, TX. We put our house on the market and Leland starting looking for a new job. After six months of job hunting and trying to sell the house without any success, we took the house off the market and Leland resigned himself to staying at his current job a little while longer. The planned move was actually the reason I started this blog. I really wanted to get out of the cold weather once and for all and it just didn’t happen for me.

Now that it’s cold again and I am stuck here in the Midwest, I am trying like hell to keep a positive attitude and to plan things to keep me busy and to give me something to look forward to. In an effort to make me enjoy the cold weather just a little, Leland and I have decided that our first fun winter adventure will be going to Minnesota to go ice fishing. I am so pumped. I have never been ice fishing before and know absolutely nothing about it but plan on going to the library to give myself some Ice Fishing 101 soon. I am hoping to make it to Texas some time in February and will have to think of something fun to do in March. Hopefully I'll be able to keep myself busy enough that when April arrives I won't have to worry about pulling myself out of a slump and I can just put on my walking shoes and rack up some serious miles outside.