Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Proceed With Caution. Really.

As promised…

During the whole “Alyson has a torn vagina” fiasco, Leland was getting fairly sexually frustrated. Can you blame him? He had a wife that didn’t put out. That’s enough to drive any man crazy. It was driving me crazy too, but mostly because not only could I not have sex, I had to listen to Leland complain about it on a daily basis. Sometimes I actually had to hear about it on an hourly basis. You can imagine how much fun this was for me. He was the one complaining?

I was the one with the torn vagina.

Shouldn’t I have been the one complaining?

And shouldn’t he have been more understanding?

Oh, I’m sorry, I seemed to have forgotten for a second that Leland is a man and thinks with this dick. My mistake.

Being a dutiful wife (insert sarcasm here), I did whatever I could to fulfill Leland’s sexual needs, short of letting him put it in my ass. I gave him blowies, let him come on my tits or my ass, even turned the pages of his favorite girl-on-girl porn magazine has he jerked one off. I really tried to make him happy.

After one particularly annoying day dealing with Leland’s complaining, I decided I was going to give him the BEST BLOW JOB EVER. Maybe, just maybe, it would shut him up for a little while. That night we made dinner, snuggled on the couch, had a few glasses of boxed sangria and then went upstairs to go to bed. I put on some moves, Leland got excited, and I proceeded with the aforementioned blowie. I was doing my best to make it the best blow job ever and Leland was appreciating all of my hard work. He was so in to it that he actually broke my number one blow job rule and put his hand on my head and pushed his dick deeper into my throat.

I hate it when he does that. I am the one giving the BJ, I know what I am doing and he really just needs to put his hands elsewhere. But it was the best blow job ever, so I forgave him for forgetting my most important rule.

However, when I pulled back, I felt a little rumble in my stomach. This didn’t surprise me because I had just been gagged with a dick, and has happened before without turning into anything. I just kept going. My stomach was getting a little worse and I thought about stopping, but just as I was going to take his dick out of my mouth, Leland said he was about to come.

Don’t give up now, I told myself, just a little longer and Leland will be happy you gave him the best blow job ever. After that I really don’t know what happened. Maybe it was the warm gush into my mouth or maybe my stomach was angrier than I thought, but just as Leland was squirting into my mouth, the sangria was coming out.

ALL OVER LELAND AND ALL OVER THE BED.

Leland didn’t seem to care that I made a very red, sticky, smelly mess all over the bed, and why should he? He just got the best blow job ever. I, on the other hand, just threw up all over the bed and had to clean it up while Leland just sat there in a state of ecstasy.

Seems a little unfair to me.

32 comments:

i am the diva said...

:O

oh my... even though i KNEW where it was going, i was still shocked at the surprise ending...

Sometimes, i really wish guys could lick themselves, the way dogs do. ha!

my poor hubby very rarely gets the blowies cuz i have the lock-jaw... Leland should consider himself blessed that his woman's got nice supple jaw muscles. :D

Seriously, hilarious story - but i'm sorry you had to do the cleanup... and i'm sorry you puked! :)

TheSingleGirl said...

Sorry...but...that just kind of made my day.

LMAO.

Really, I'm sorry.

...Bwahahahahahahahahahahaha...

This girl that I used to work with had a similar story...but hers involved the shower and morning sickness. Your story wins.

Dollface said...

omg.... this was graphic yet funny yet yucky all at the same time, hahahah xxxooo

KarmaPearl said...

Stopping by from SITS..

I can't stop laughing at this post. I'm sorry. My husband is in the same state of the wanting-sex whinies. I'm 9 months pregnant and have literally had ZERO INTEREST in sex this entire pregnancy. I'm more like, "if you touch me with your dick, I'm going to scream". I've tried, really I have but my body just won't cooperate and everything's all uncomfortable and such.

Thanks for the laugh!

jv726 said...

Seriously, hilarious.
Thanks for making me laugh this morning!

Hair Bows & Guitar Picks said...

OMG way too funny and gross :)

Intense Guy said...

Oh dear.

Oh my...

Oh ... goodness gracious...

I'm sorry... I just got to LMAO!!

:) "Lucky" Leland... I'm envious.

Organic Meatbag said...

wow!! And to think I just came over here to buy a new set of tires!!

Vodka Logic said...

I have no sympathy for Leland what so ever.. he got what he wanted and you got to puke..albeit on him.

and clean.. bad husband.

Hope things are working well now.

Gregorio Martino said...

If that is what it takes to get the ultimate blowie, I think I will pass. I am a mercy puker and would have followed your lead.

aladdinsane12 said...

oh. my. god. i have heard of that happening, but never to anyone i knew!

that and farting are my #1 sex fears :)

wines constantly said...

Oh god, I can't stop laughing.

Kriste said...

LMAO!!! This is too funny. Not funny that you puked, but my husband is the same way. I swear he acts like he never gets any!

I told him I was just going to get him one of those toys that does it and he could go lock himself in the room and go to town!

Secretia said...

I have had that happen when I was too drunk to be doing that, it's a mess, but yes, the guys don't care.

My BF's definiion of the best blowjob is either his eyes are stuck in the back of his head, or I have to help him pull the sheet out of his ass...

Secretia

Tracy said...

NO HANDS ON HEAD - period! that rule cannot be broken, ever!

jv726 said...

Ok I already commented on your post here today, which I still think is completely hilarious. But I just want to say I also laughed at your comment on my blog. The title was a "Friends" reference...but it probably is best that I changed it if lobsters are the man-whores you say they are ;)

Dual Mom said...

Definetely the most outrageous post I've read all day.

But I have to say....I would have left the mess for hubby.

skinnybitching said...

AHHH!!! that is so terrible... and, so hilarious...

ugh... men & their dicks.

AudioMachina said...

um...that was pretty AMAZING!!

Cathy said...

You kill me. Puke job.


p.s. my word veri is fartal. HAHA

Multiple personalities.. said...

Whoa!! Ok, this is my first visit to your blog from SITS, and normally say that it's WAY to early in the morn for BJ talk, but this was too funny..ok, not the torn vagina part, 'cause that just sounds so painful. But the whole vomiting in bed mid-BJ is just too funny! I sure hope that man of yours knows how lucky he is that you are trying so hard to satisfy his needs...and that you didn't clamp down with your teeth when he broke the number one BJ rule. Hang in there! Nice to meet you!

Cristina said...

You gave him a V-jay because you have a torn va-jay-jay?

Sorry you know this is hilarious.

I would have made him clean it.

Hilarious.

Cristina

leigh said...

I learned how to give a 5 minute blow job at a Bachelorette Sex Toy party once. It works every time. Only 5 minutes of gagging and then squirt!

Dudes don't care if their dicks are covered in puke as long as that means that it got sucked.

They're gross creatures.

WhiteSockGirl said...

OH MY WORD!!! I think I just hurt myself right now!!!! That was so damn funny!!

kys said...

Lord, it's hard to be a woman.

Siren said...

Yo BFF, I think I'm going to follow your lead and throw some tales of my own your way. Siren is starting a new blog, this chick has way to much fun on your blog its time she start her own. I love you!!!!and miss you!!!!

Duchess of Tea said...

Hello darling, I do hope you had a wonderful time ringing in the New Year and that 2010 turns out to be the best year of your life, followed by many more. Thanks for all your visits and sweet comments; you are a dear friend...a treasure.

Love & Hugs
Duchess

carma said...

wondering where to get the best deal on that "toy" Kriste is referring to - for the next time any whining commences ;-)

Leland has got it made!! I swear he is awfully pampered. He would not like it at my place. Nu uh..

michelleFFTL said...

hahaha, i love this.
at least he didn't mind...
i have to say if i was him in that situation.. i probably would have thrown up too :P
i'm not so good with bodily functions :p

xx

heartinhand said...

I love this post! You're a better wife than me because "Blowies" are no longer in my repretoire. Beg and be damned, it ain't gonna happen. :o)

Mandy's Life After 30 said...

Well if you have have bad news to break or any horrible confessions to reveal to Leland in the future, you know just what to do now! LOL.

Sorry about blowing chunks though, albeit red liquid ones. Ugh. Boxed sangria, eh? Go for the more expensive stuff next time perhaps? Haha! Kidding.

kristi said...

One time my hubs was going to come and I do not let it in my mouth but it got on my face.
I ran to the bathroom and started puking as I was taking a shower.
OH MY HELL it was nasty.