Wednesday, December 2, 2009

What's In A Name?

I work in a small office with only two other people. During a normal workday we probably spend about 3 hours just chatting with each other. We talk about our families, weekend plans, complain about the boss and talk about other people.

That’s right. We gossip. And I am the only female. Sometimes I think men are worse gossipers than women. Anyway….

We try to be as nice about our gossiping as possible, so we have given all of the people we talk about nicknames. Check them out:

Stroke it: A man who used to work here but was fired for repeatedly getting caught masturbating on the job. True story.

Anti-Santa: A truck driver who looks like Santa but is a big ass. He also likes to use my bathroom just to spite me because I put a “No Men Allowed” sign on the door. Forgive me for not wanting to clean pee off the seat every time I use the bathroom.

Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum: The guys who own the body shop next door. They like to race their cars up and down the parking lot and then give you the finger when they pull out in front of you and almost cause an accident.

My Boyfriend: Another truck driver we see every day. He looks at me like I’m an ice cream cone on a hot day and always asks when I am getting divorced so he can take me out. Yuck.

Banana Peel: The woman who owns the dance studio next door and always seems to be falling on her butt. Since she moved in last year we have seen her fall 7 times. Not a very graceful dance teacher!

Which brings me to the last one: Shit Stain.

Shit Stain is my least favorite person from work. He is one of our customers and probably comes in once or twice a week to pick up some parts. Let me paint you a picture.

He is about 40, balding, with a patchy beard that he is constantly scratching.
He wears small shirts that show off his sizeable beer belly.
His jeans never seem to cover his butt crack.
He ALWAYS smells like a fart.

Yesterday I was in the warehouse, filing some paperwork for the shipping guy. I heard my GM talking to someone in the office, but when I got back into the office, I didn’t see or hear anyone. I just sat at my desk and starting doing my work. After a few minutes, I noticed that it was smelling gross. I have a pumpkin scented air freshener that usually blocks all things offensive, but this smell was breaking through.

“Ugh,” I said out loud. “Why does it smell like fart in here?”

I heard someone come around the corner and looked behind me. Shit Stain was standing there with my GM. Without even thinking about what I was saying, I looked at Shit Stain and said, “Oh, I thought I smelled something.”

That’s right. I totally and completely crossed the line into an unprofessional territory and told a customer that he smelled like fart. After that, he left pretty damn quickly. I expected to get a slap on the wrist when Shit Stain left, but instead the GM just laughed.

“You know,” the GM said, “If he never comes back you might actually get a raise.”

As it turns out, the boss man hates Shit Stain. He just may be one of the grossest and laziest men around. When the company first moved into the complex we are in now, Shit Stain ran his business from a few doors down. Everyday when he would walk to the mailbox, he would take his dog with him, passing our unit. If the weather was nice, we would often leave the front door propped open to get some fresh air.

Shit Stain never walked his dog on a leash, and for some reason thought it was totally okay when his dog wandered in to other people’s units. At first we really didn’t care that Scooter was coming for a visit, but then he seemed to get too comfortable. Whenever Scooter walked into out unit, he would poop on the floor. It became his lunchtime ritual. Shit Stain would come into our office, apologize for the poop, get Scooter and leave. WITHOUT CLEANING UP AFTER HIS DOG.

It didn’t take us long to learn to close the door at lunchtime.

Now I am just waiting for the day when I accidentally call him Shit Stain to his face. I don’t actually know his real name and he has been Shit Stain for so long. It is bound to happen. And I can really use that raise.

20 comments:

Christine aka Mistress of Cakes said...

Hello fellow SITSta! I need your help!

Could you vote for me in Iron Cupcake?

(I am campaigning for votes….because I put a lot of time and detail into my cupcake)

I am currently behind The Baker’s Remix……boo..L

If there is anything I can do for you in the future don’t hesitate to ask! (When I say this I am completely serious!)

Here is the link: http://mamanandgourmand.blogspot.com/2009/11/please-vote-for-me-iron-cupcake.html

Adorably Distracted... said...

OMG!!! Ewwww that dog would poop and he wouldn't clean it up ?! That's horrible! I just really don't understand some people!

Organic Meatbag said...

We had a couple of shit stains and chicken chokers here at my work as well...hahahaha

Vodka Logic said...

That was a complete laugh... omg. The names are great. I can however sympathize with banana peel. Last time I was in NYC I fell on a ....yep a banana peel. I thought it only happened on tv and in cartoons. As I was getting up a bum.. real street person looks at me and says, "don't worry it happens to me all the time" .. gee thanks I feel better now.

Say hi to shit stain for me..

wines constantly said...

Shit Stain. I love it. And I totally dare you to Febreeze him the next time he walks in. You know, just to speed up your raise...

LuLu Lake said...

Ha ha - Good times!

Kathie @ my net finds said...

lol. and yes, men are worse gossips at times!

Intense Guy said...

Yikes! Such company... and no "Drowned in Perfumes"?

Hey.. you've not tweeted in a bit.. you could do a Shit Stain and/or Scooter poop update - or not...

Dollface said...

So funny, bc my coworker and I give nicknames as well... hahaha xxxoo

Cathy said...

As I write this you are one follower away from 69. hahaha.

Anyway, those names are fantastic! My office is just me and my boss(in a 20ft by 40ft room, we're seperated by a drafting board). We gossip all day long! Politics, locals, celebrities, family...whatevs. He usually starts the conversations, so I don't feel bad wasting time!

We've got a guy that stops in(he actually lives in an apt above the office) and we call him Charlie Brown. Then there's the meter reader "Fast Eddie", who is married but I swear to god he's gay(and there's nothing wrong with that). We also have a client we call Brad Childress(because he sounds just like the Vikings head coach).

The shit stain story had me rolling!

Viva La Fashion said...

a lot of the men i know are worse gossipers than women. hahaha. :)

YELLOWDOG GRANNY said...

after finding out that the boss doesn't like him i'd be calling him shitstain every time i see him.

Secretia said...

Nicknames for people are so much fun.

kys said...

That was great! I have been giving people nicknames for years. And sometimes I slip and they find out.

Sassy Chica said...

OMG, I LMAO with this post, I want to come and work with you!

I use to have a simular group years ago, it was me and 3other chica's i workd with, we gave everyone names, like this guy i dated only a few times he would take me to a local pond and we would chat for hours...he earned the name Pond Boy, once we broke up his name was changed to PondShit! Good times!

Smooches,
sassy chica

carma said...

I say "go for it" A raise would be a good thing this time of year...

Melissa B. said...

I think you should refer to him as S-squared. Then you could call him that to his face, and he'd think he had a fancy nickname or something. But y'all would know what it stood for...

Mandy's Life After 30 said...

Wow, that's awesome! I love it when a boss can surprise you and actually be a cool human being. I sincerely hope you get that raise. I say he at least owes you a drink or a new air fresherner.

Summer said...

That is just gross and funny...

You must call him by that name, just to keep him at bay!

=)

Miss Always Carried Away said...

No joke!!! hahaha Shit Stain who smells like a FART!!! God kill me!!! I would die!!!

and YES MEN ARE WORSE GOSSIPERS THAN WE ARE!!!