I work in a small office with only two other people. During a normal workday we probably spend about 3 hours just chatting with each other. We talk about our families, weekend plans, complain about the boss and talk about other people.
That’s right. We gossip. And I am the only female. Sometimes I think men are worse gossipers than women. Anyway….
We try to be as nice about our gossiping as possible, so we have given all of the people we talk about nicknames. Check them out:
Stroke it: A man who used to work here but was fired for repeatedly getting caught masturbating on the job. True story.
Anti-Santa: A truck driver who looks like Santa but is a big ass. He also likes to use my bathroom just to spite me because I put a “No Men Allowed” sign on the door. Forgive me for not wanting to clean pee off the seat every time I use the bathroom.
Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum: The guys who own the body shop next door. They like to race their cars up and down the parking lot and then give you the finger when they pull out in front of you and almost cause an accident.
My Boyfriend: Another truck driver we see every day. He looks at me like I’m an ice cream cone on a hot day and always asks when I am getting divorced so he can take me out. Yuck.
Banana Peel: The woman who owns the dance studio next door and always seems to be falling on her butt. Since she moved in last year we have seen her fall 7 times. Not a very graceful dance teacher!
Which brings me to the last one: Shit Stain.
Shit Stain is my least favorite person from work. He is one of our customers and probably comes in once or twice a week to pick up some parts. Let me paint you a picture.
He is about 40, balding, with a patchy beard that he is constantly scratching.
He wears small shirts that show off his sizeable beer belly.
His jeans never seem to cover his butt crack.
He ALWAYS smells like a fart.
Yesterday I was in the warehouse, filing some paperwork for the shipping guy. I heard my GM talking to someone in the office, but when I got back into the office, I didn’t see or hear anyone. I just sat at my desk and starting doing my work. After a few minutes, I noticed that it was smelling gross. I have a pumpkin scented air freshener that usually blocks all things offensive, but this smell was breaking through.
“Ugh,” I said out loud. “Why does it smell like fart in here?”
I heard someone come around the corner and looked behind me. Shit Stain was standing there with my GM. Without even thinking about what I was saying, I looked at Shit Stain and said, “Oh, I thought I smelled something.”
That’s right. I totally and completely crossed the line into an unprofessional territory and told a customer that he smelled like fart. After that, he left pretty damn quickly. I expected to get a slap on the wrist when Shit Stain left, but instead the GM just laughed.
“You know,” the GM said, “If he never comes back you might actually get a raise.”
As it turns out, the boss man hates Shit Stain. He just may be one of the grossest and laziest men around. When the company first moved into the complex we are in now, Shit Stain ran his business from a few doors down. Everyday when he would walk to the mailbox, he would take his dog with him, passing our unit. If the weather was nice, we would often leave the front door propped open to get some fresh air.
Shit Stain never walked his dog on a leash, and for some reason thought it was totally okay when his dog wandered in to other people’s units. At first we really didn’t care that Scooter was coming for a visit, but then he seemed to get too comfortable. Whenever Scooter walked into out unit, he would poop on the floor. It became his lunchtime ritual. Shit Stain would come into our office, apologize for the poop, get Scooter and leave. WITHOUT CLEANING UP AFTER HIS DOG.
It didn’t take us long to learn to close the door at lunchtime.
Now I am just waiting for the day when I accidentally call him Shit Stain to his face. I don’t actually know his real name and he has been Shit Stain for so long. It is bound to happen. And I can really use that raise.