Monday, December 13, 2010

My Christmas Letter

I was bored at work last week and I decided to write a holiday letter to include with my Christmas cards. I have never written a holiday letter, and never though I would actually be the holiday letter writing type, but boredom often leads me to doing things that are a little out of character.

And since I haven't done much blogging lately, I thought I would post it for all of you to read. Enjoy!

Well friends and family, it has been a hell of a year.

We are not too sad to see this one go, because like I just said, it has been a hell of a year. But in the season of merriment and joy, and because our lives are oh so interesting, I have decided to give you a top ten list of cool/fun/really-annoying-things-that-we-laugh-about-now that happened in the past year.

Are you ready for it?

Are you sure?

Because it is going to rock your world.

Alyson and Leland’s Top Ten List of Fansmashingtastically Awesome Things That Took Place in 2010:

10. I had a battle with the US Census Bureau. You see, it apparently wasn’t enough for them to count our house once. They had to keep coming back. And calling. So I refused to talk to them, ordered workers off my front porch, gave a ton of wrong information. I am certain that my determination to not be bothered kept census workers in my area working for longer. You know, I did whatever I could to stimulate the economy.

9. Dwight Schrute found a place in our hearts. He is part of the family now. We just cannot live without him.

8. Leland made dreams come true and performed Body Talk by Ratt live onstage for my birthday.

7. We both wrote books that are funny and absolutely ridiculous that everyone should read but will probably never be published.

6. We have discovered our mutual love for bad Channing Tatum movies, which would be all Channing Tatum movies. Who could resist his cheesiness and stupid, brooding look?

5. Leland fell in love with someone else. Actually, he fell in love with two someone else’s. Hall and Oates. He plays and/or sings Kiss on my List at least once a week.

4. I peed on Leland. For real. It was medical advice given to us by Madonna. We were just trying to get rid of a rash. Too bad it didn’t work.

3. We saved a dog from the sad life that is living at a truck stop in Arkansas. Shorty came to us skinny, full of ticks, limping because he had a broken hip, and was the object of target practice and had a bullet in his leg. Now he is overfed, flea and tick free, all fixed up and living with our friend Joe and annoying the hell out of him.

2. I broke my pelvis. Because I rarely do things half-assed, I didn’t just break my pelvis, I broke it in two places. Unable to walk for four weeks, I just lounged on the couch and reignited my love for Boy Meets World.

1. Leland cut the head off a dead squirrel and hung the head from the basketball hoop in our driveway. It was quite the summertime conversation piece. That skull is now sitting in our hallway as part of Leland’s death shrine.

So there you have it. I told you it would rock your world!

Let’s raise a glass and toast to having a fabulous Christmas and a spectacular 2011!


Liz Mays said...

When you showcase your year like that, you appear even crazier than you did already. LOL

Luv you!

Just Jen said...

This is great!! You should SO publish your books!!

Anonymous said...

lol you never have a dull moment.

Gail Dixon said...

This is so much better than the lame letters we usually get! I wish someone would just be honest in their letters! Oh, and Dwight K. Schrute IS totally awesome. :)

Aunt Juicebox said...

Hmmm, I dunno, I think the pelvis breaking should have been the number one event.

Salt said...

1. Fansmashingtastically is now a favorite word of mine.

2. I felt warm and fuzzy that I knew about a couple of the things in your list already...namely the pelvis and the squirrel cranium. I'm curious about the pee thing.

3. I love that you did this. I'm feeling kind of inspired to add one to my Christmas cards. Hell I'll be lucky if I get them out before Christmas at this rate!

foxy said...

You are absolutely ONE OF A KIND. And that's why I love you so much. There's always something interesting over here..... :)

Dollface said...

Wow.. this is SOME letter!! thank you for always being honest - the world needs more of that :) xxxooo

Anonymous said...

Now THAT'S a Christmas Letter! LOVE IT!

Kelly said...

I love The Office!

RN Mama said...

I love it! And I love that it is different and original! You're right, it totally rocked my world:)

Intense Guy said...

You did something awesome when you rescued that poor little doggy...

And you omitted the 700 times of sex goal you took on... (I still wince and feel *raw* when I ponder that!)

May you have a wonderful little Christmas!

Stephanie Faris said...

WOW to number 10. I didn't realize that could happen. Couldn't you just hang a sign on your door that read, "Yes, we've already been counted."

I mailed my form in but around the time they were counting, our entire neighborhood was devastated by a flood. As we were struggling to rebuild our homes and lives, living with relatives and out of hotel rooms, the Census had the nerve to go to the news media and issue a complaint that people weren't home to be counted in these neighborhoods and they needed us to be here to make sure we were counted. Sorry, not a priority when your life has fallen apart!

Coffeypot said...

My family letter:

Hey all!

I had a great year. Did a bunch of shit. Some of it was awesome and some of it sucked.

That's about it.


Carma Sez said...

your year could not have been more complete!!! I hate that I threw out the mock Hall & Oates poster I created in art class in 1984 or I'd send it to Leland. I think I got an A on that project if I recall correctly. Love that you ended the post with the squirrel head.

The Random Blogette said...

I absolutely love this. This is a great Christmas letter. I almost forgot about the fact that you peed on Leland. Thank you so much for reminding me of that and for making me giggle a little bit this morning! And really, who doesn't love Ratt??!! Round and Round is one of my all-time favorite Rock Band Songs to sing. I also do a sweet ass kick too through out the song!

StarTraci said...

I think that we may share a distant relative because I am having passionate affair with both Dwight Shrute and Daryl Hall. John Oates, not so much -- haha!

Here's hoping 2011 kicks 2010's ass!

Lots of love,

McVal said...

Wow! Totally different than the one my husband rights! and definitely keeps your interest!

Macey said...

Um. Can I just say that's the BEST Christmas letter EVER?! LOVE IT!!!
I forgot about you pissing on Leland!! LOL!

Anonymous said...

That's the best fucking Christmas letter I've ever read! Are you sure we're not familY?

Taylor-Made Wife said...

i love that i got to experience most of this with you through your little bloggy blog. I totally think you should try to get your books published!

Cristy said...

Our card totally blows compared to yours! It was mainly "we did this and that and nobody cares." People will actually READ yours. They might think you're crazy afterward, but they'll read it. ; )

Anonymous said...

Darlin' I have never read a Christmas letter like this one. I loved it. Thanks for sharing. The peeing part had me choking on my coffee and I can't stop laughing. I like Hall & Oates' song Sara Smile.

Hope you have a very Merry Christmas & A Happy Snappy New Year if I don't chat with you again before then.

Anonymous said...

LOL Wow, that is the best Christmas newsletter ever!

Kim said...

Love it! I always think about including a letter but never know what I should say! I think you covered it very well! Although I think you left out your sex project! :P

Sara said...

Peeing on your husband is still my favorite.

I can't believe you left the anal out.