Wednesday, September 29, 2010

No Bones About It

For most of the summer, Leland has had a squirrel head hanging from the basketball hoop in our backyard. Though most of you already know, I’ll say it one more time just for shits and giggles: Leland loves dead things.

Last winter he found a dead squirrel in our yard. It was a completely intact dead squirrel until Leland got his hands on it. He just needed to add another skull to his collection, so he cut off the squirrel’s head with his pocket knife, sealed the head in a plastic container, and then put the container in our freezer. He wanted to preserve the head until summer came so the flies and maggots could speed up the decomposition process.

Yes, every time I opened my freezer to get some meat or veggies, I had to look at the squirrel head.

When summer came, Leland took the head out of the freezer and hung it in an old bird feeder to feed to the flies. Every day Leland would check out the decomposition progress. But it wasn’t enough for him to be the only one checking out the progress, he constantly needed me to be looking at it too. He was pumped when the eyeballs went missing and needed to show me the empty eye sockets. Often times he would just say “there are a ton of flies on the squirrel head, you need to come see them.”

Needless to say, it was a long process and one that I didn’t particularly enjoy. Though it was slow going, the squirrel head is now just a skull.

Now Leland will be taking it out of the bird feeder and moving it into the house. His collection of dead things is getting to be too big for the small shelf he keeps it on now. I fear that one day he will have an entire display case of dead things and skulls that he will keep in our dining room. We will be the people who have skulls on display in the DINING ROOM. Because who wouldn’t want to eat with skulls staring at them? We will be that couple. You know, the couple you always whisper about for being so damn weird and you wonder why they just can’t be normal.

Oh well, it was bound to happen some day.

I’ll start clearing off the bookcase in the dining room soon.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

It's Not Just About Selling Cookies, It's All About the Life Lessons

When I was a young girl, I was very active in Girl Scouts.

Truth be told, I was very active in Girl Scouts even when I wasn’t so young. I was actually a Girl Scout until I was 17. (Don't tell anyone. This is a big secret!)

I loved it. Every single minute of it. The meetings, the badges, even selling cookies. Ok, not selling cookies. But I did it anyway. The only reason I wasn’t a nerd in high school is because no one knew I was still a Girl Scout. I was very good at keeping it a secret. Plus, I was a cheerleader and that helped me cover up my nerdy side. Yes, Leland is tagging a cheerleader and a Girl Scout. What a lucky, lucky man!

But being a Girl Scout helped make me who I am today, and had I quit at the appropriate age like most of the girls I know, I would never have learned many valuable lessons.

For instance, it was because of Girl Scouts that I learned to properly slap someone across the face. I don’t mean a girly, light slap. I mean a full hand, open palm bitch slap. Tiffany was my then best friend and we were fighting about something that I can’t remember all these years later. When she slapped me across the face, my reaction was to slap her back. She looked at me and said, “Wow, that didn’t hurt at all. This is how you do it.”

And then she proceeded to teach me to bitch slap someone, and even let me practice on her. That’s what friends are for, right?

I also learned how to sneak out. When I was 15 I went to Central Mexico with a bunch of other GS’s. We stayed at a GS run facility, and every night we would get locked in our dorms. That didn’t stop my friend Angela and I from noticing there was a bathroom window that didn’t close all the way. We snuck out most nights and then broke into the arts and crafts building to work on whatever projects we felt like doing that night. Yes, GS also taught me the fine art of a B&E. Though I snuck out to do arts and crafts. That's not very hard core AT ALL.

On that same trip, I was introduced to tequila. This was the start of my love/hate relationship with tequila. Like Frank the Tank says in Old School, “once it hits your lips it’s so good.” While in Mexico, I sprained my ankle. The doctor I went to put me in a cast and gave me crutches. It was not easy to get around. So while we were on our day trips, Angela and I would head to a cantina and belly up to the bar while everyone else was out sightseeing. Even in a GS uniform we were both still able to order shot after shot of tequila. It was then that I also experienced my first hangover.

I have never had tequila that good again.

I was just going to include learning to smoke weed from Girl Scouts, but then I remembered I learned how to do that at CHURCH.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

And We're Back -- Hump Day Hangover

If you want to know what this is about click here.

Leland gave me some alarming news and stats today. While I was at work and trying very hard to do my job (not really, but it sounds better than trying not to watch the clock), Leland sent me some texts.

The first one said: We have 165 days left (for the challenge) and 532 times to go. That means starting right now we need to have sex 3.25 times a day every single day to reach our goal.

The second one said: And that means 200 days into our adventure we’ve only had sex 168 times.

So basically what Leland said to me is that we are failing. Miserably. And that we REALLY need to get busy.

I refuse to give up and have this be just one more thing that I say I will do and then never follow through with. I guess I just thought that a year is a long time and catching up wouldn’t be a problem. Thank goddess Leland is a realist and pointed out the facts. It’s not that I don’t want to have sex, believe me, I do. The problem is that there isn’t always time. Or I have my period, or Leland is sick, or we have a weekend long wedding and we are never alone. It has come to the point where we need to make time. We need to stop being so social and just lock ourselves in the house for a few weeks.

When we started so many people thought twice a day was a lot. Now we are looking at at least 3 times a day. Good thing I have been eating a lot of yogurt.