Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Sexual Frustration


That being said, my vagina is driving me mad. About 8 months ago Leland and I were having sex. In the living room. On the floor. It was fun.

Until it was all over and he pulled it out.


My vagina tore. Right at the bottom, between my vag and my butthole. This has never happened before. Leland and I have been having sex for 6 years and we never had a problem.

No big deal, I thought. I’ll call my doctor in the morning and she’ll tell me what to do. I’ll be all healed up in no time.

I called my doctor the next day and went in for an appointment. I was told women rip occasionally, usually after they haven’t had sex for a while or have sex for the first time with a new partner. When I explained that I have been having regular sex with the same partner for 6 years she said Well, I don’t know why this happened then. Awesome. When she asked if we were trying a new position, I told her no, we were having doggie-style sex on the living room floor. We have done this a countless amount of times and have never had a problem.

I was told apply Aquaphor, a skin ointment, several times a day and abstain from sex for 4 weeks. Double awesome. I did as the doctor ordered. Leland checked my situation every day and after about 2 weeks it was fully healed. However, since the doctor said to wait 4 weeks, we did.

Although it was frustrating to wait so long, we waited. We actually found it kind of humorous. We joked around that he was giving it to me too hard or that he needed pills to make his large penis smaller. He wore that fact the he ripped me around like a badge of honor. And for those 4 weeks we had fun finding other ways to pleasure each other. Four weeks off of sex wasn’t too bad because we were still having a physical relationship.

At the 4 week mark we had sex. Slow, careful, boring missionary sex. We were trying to be super careful so as not to tear my vag again. We were having fun, and it was feeling about as good as slow, careful, boring missionary sex can feel. AS SOON as Leland started to move a little faster, I ripped again. I started applying the Aquaphor right away and decided that since waiting 4 weeks before having sex again didn’t keep me from ripping, I would wait 6.

That’s right. We waited 6 weeks before having sex. During these 6 weeks we fought more than we ever have before. We were irritable, bitchy, and watched movies all the time. I was really tired of giving blowjobs.

Six weeks later, we tried again. We had the same result. I don’t think I have ever been more frustrated in my life.

I went back to the doctor. She said the scar tissue was probably just sensitive and wasn’t healing strong enough so she wrote me a prescription for some sort of cream that had estrogen in it. Apparently the estrogen was supposed to make me heal faster and stronger. The last thing I really needed was more estrogen, but I thought I would give it a try.

Time after time I continued to rip and time after time we continued to abstain from sex. Every time we got more and more frustrated. Every time we took more and more precautions. Nothing worked. It was no longer fun to look for other ways to keep things exciting. Oral on the kitchen counter was no longer fun because we had already done it so many times. We really just want to have good old-fashioned doggie-style sex again.

Since I am so sick of having almost no sex life, I told Leland that I was done worrying about it. I told him I would deal with the tear. It didn’t really hurt that much and I really needed to get laid on a more regular basis. He wouldn’t do it. Because he loves me he wants me to be able to enjoy sex and he doesn’t want to worry about hurting me while we are going at it. Makes sense.

So I went back to the doctor. This time we talked about vaginal dryness, condoms and lube. She suspected that the condoms were drying me out and causing me to tear with the slightest bit of friction. She said I needed to get wetter.

She prescribed the Nuva Ring as a form of birth control because it causes vaginal wetness and told me to use lube and stop using condoms. Okay, I thought, even though I HATE hormonal birth control, I am willing to give it a try in order to save my sex life. I was on the Nuva Ring for 2 ½ weeks. It did cause vaginal wetness. So much wetness, in fact, that I was soaking my panties on a daily basis. This was not fun. Still, I was willing to stick it out in order to save my sex life. After being on the Ring for 2 weeks, my doctor said it was safe to have sex. We did. I was super wet and we used lube. I still tore.

I took out the Ring. There is no sense in hormonally altering my body if it wasn’t doing anything for the tear.

I am waiting for a call from my doctor. I really need to get this fixed somehow. I’m not sure what else I am supposed to do. We have tried different positions. Doggie style hurts the worst and causes the biggest tear, which sucks because that was always my favorite. Girl on top hurts a little less but also causes a sizeable tear. Slow, careful, boring missionary hurts the least and causes the smallest tear. But we are both getting bored of slow, careful, boring missionary.

I still tear EVERY SINGLE time we have sex. Which isn’t very often anymore.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009


Remember when I told you that my computer was fixed? Well, apparently I lied. We thought it was fixed, were able to use it for a little while, and then everything went to shit again. We are in the process of actually getting it fixed this time. In the meantime, I will once again be sneaking my blogging time at work. I do this fairly frequently anyway, I’ll just have to do it a little more in order to stay tuned with all of you. And if I’m not commenting, it just means that the boss is in the office and I’ll catch up with you as soon as I can.

Moving on….

Leland and I are working on a puzzle. Yes, that’s right. I’ve just declared myself to be a really big dork. My coolness factor is going to drop by another 10 points when I drop this bombshell on all of you: we are having so much fun doing it. The puzzle that is.

We decided to get a puzzle a week ago. We went to Walmart, spent $9 on a 750 piece puzzle and started putting it together as soon as we got home. It has probably been about a decade and a half since I have done a puzzle. We are not very good at it. Because of our lack of puzzle skills, whenever we find a piece that fits together we get all excited and high-five. Sometimes we even do a little victory dance. Like I said, we are dorks.

Last night my parents and sister came over for dinner. My sister Melissa is a puzzle master. She literally looked at the puzzle for a second and was already putting pieces together. Since Leland and I are very territorial about our puzzle, she promptly got told by me to leave the puzzle alone. This was nearly impossible for her. Especially because we were all sitting around the table that the puzzle was on and she was sitting right in front of it. So I told her to switch seats with my mom so she could be a little farther away from the temptress that was the puzzle.

That lasted for about a minute until my dad got up. He was sitting very close to the puzzle and she just had to steal his seat. I got very close to tying her arms behind her back. I’m sure that if we left her alone she could have finished the puzzle in an hour. Since we are not as good, it’ll probably take us another week to finish. But that’s okay. We are having fun with it and enjoying doing something different together.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

The Road to Wellness

Siren is coming to visit me in a few weeks. I am excited and really nervous at the same time.

Excited to see my best friend.

Nervous because of what we will be doing while she is here.

Siren is coming to visit for the sole purpose of taking me to doctor’s appointments.

I have not felt healthy in a really long time. I always just justified all of my symptoms. I wasn’t sleeping at night because Leland snores. I was tired all the time because I wasn’t sleeping. My skin was so dry because it was wintertime and I wasn’t drinking enough water. I was bruising all the time because I wasn’t getting enough iron. I was having a really hard time losing weight because I just wasn’t trying hard enough. My stomach was always unsettled because I had a poor diet. However, even when I slept in the other bedroom and couldn’t hear the snoring, I still wasn’t able to sleep. I used lotion on my dry skin and drank a gallon of water a day and my skin was still dry and scale-like. I took iron supplements and my bruising wouldn’t go away. I altered my diet and started going to the gym and still have not seen results. Even with the altered diet I still couldn’t be far from a bathroom.

In January I fell on the ice and hit my head. After a CT scan, the doctor told me I had lumps on the left side of my thyroid. I saw a few doctors, had several rounds of blood tests, even had a Fine Needle Aspirate done on the lumps. Everything came back normal. I really hoped I had some sort of thyroid disease because that would have explained all of my symptoms. Well, all of the symptoms other than the stomach issues.

Instead of investigating further, I just gave up. I still have trouble sleeping. I’m still tired. My skin is still dry, I bruise like a peach. I still can’t lose weight and I still have stomach problems. Leland and Siren have been on my case for months to see more doctors and I haven’t done it. Again, I have plenty of reasons not to go.

We can’t afford the bills (though Leland says it doesn’t matter when it comes to my health, and insurance will be paying for most of it).

I can’t take the time off of work (which we all know is a lie. If my boss lets me drink at lunch he’ll let me take time off to see doctors).

The doctor already said nothing was wrong with me so it would be a waste of time and money (though really, just because one doctor didn’t find something doesn’t mean another would be unsuccessful).

Apparently Leland and Siren have been conspiring against me for some time. They decided to tag team the nagging and thought that I might actually listen if they both were telling me how concerned they are. Of course I was listening, but I have been too scared to do anything. Ignorance is bliss, right?

Last week Siren called and told me she was coming to take me to doctors. She even made all the appointments for me. In the 4 days she’ll be here, she is taking me to see an endocrinologist, a metabolic specialist, a hematologist and we will be going to a woman’s wellness center. It will be a whirlwind of doctors, but hopefully I will finally start to get some answers. I know there will most likely be follow up appointments that Siren will not be able to attend with me, but having her come up and drag me around to help me get better is a great way to start.

I know that if she wasn’t coming, it would be a really, really long time before I do it by myself. And since Leland lives with me, I could put him off forever, and would try like hell to actually do that.

I’m still scared and worried. I know I will be scared and worried until this is all over.

How lucky am I that I have a friend who is willing to fly 1000 miles to try and help me get healthy?

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Mid-Day Beer Fest

I just went out to lunch with my work people to celebrate a birthday. We usually kick back and have a good time with a beer but today we just couldn’t seem to stop at just one. You see, it was $5 pitcher day. And since the restaurant was all out of Miller Light, we were given any other draft beer at the $5 price. It only made good sense to get 2 pitchers of Blue Moon and 2 pitchers of Leinie’s Oktoberfest. We split 4 pitchers between 5 people. And since I had so much to drink, I’m leaving it up to you to calculate how many beers I had at lunch today. I feel like I’m slurring my words as I type this. Now I have to make it through 2 more hours of work and a trip to the gym. I know I’ll make it through but it all seems so hard right now. I just want to curl up in the corner and take a nap.

I will endure. I need to remember to drink a lot of water so I don’t get a late afternoon hangover. I can handle being a little tipsy at work but being hung over at work is really not a good time.

Wanna know the best part of the story? The boss bought all the beer.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Working For A Living

I’m on the lookout for a new part time job. The animal emergency clinic that I was employed at part time let go all of all of their relief staff. I was one that got cut. This bothers me for several reasons including I’ll be losing the awesome discount on animal care, I will no longer be able to work with animals, and I’ll be losing out on some extra money.

I liked my schedule at the emergency clinic because I was able to choose it myself. If I didn’t want to work weekends I didn’t have to. If I was really short on money I was able to work 5 days a week. It was perfectly flexible. Since that option has now been taken away from me, I’m not really sure what I should do. I don’t necessarily need a second job, but it really helps to support my travel habit. Leland and I really want to take some big trips next year, and in order to do that I’ll need a second job.

So what should I do? I have considered working in retail, but then I would probably have to work at a store that wouldn’t tempt me to spend all of my money at the store itself. I had originally considered applying at Borders or Barnes and Noble, but you all know about my book problem so working there would probably be counter-productive. Yes, I would have a ton of awesome books, but no extra money would make it into my bank account. Shoe stores would also be out, as well as clothing stores. I would have to find a place that sold things I wouldn’t buy, like Babies R Us or a Christian book store.

I have also considered being a waitress or bartender. I have never done either of those things, but I’m sure I could figure it out. There are a couple of restaurants in the town where I live that I am pretty sure I could get hired at. I know the owners of two of them and I have been told they would give me jobs if I ever wanted one.

The only other thing I am thinking about doing is being a pizza delivery girl. For some reason I have always wanted to do this. The only problem with this is I would be using our one car so Leland would be left without wheels whenever I was working. I think it would be fun and I would pretty much be on my own which would be nice. And I love to drive.

In January I will start my job search. I thought about looking for one right now but I am pretty busy in the next few months and don’t want to piss off an employer by asking for so much time off. I am sure I will apply everywhere I can think of and hopefully I will be able to find something that makes me happy. That is my biggest requirement. I already have one job that I’m not super thrilled with; I refuse to have two jobs I dread going to. But maybe just knowing that I am working the second job so I can afford to travel will make me happy. We’ll just have to see.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Welcome Back To Me!

I'm finally back online!!!


It only took 6 days and nearly a hundred dollars but I'm back.

Consider yourself warned.

While I was at work on Friday, Leland called and said our computer was fucked.

"What do you mean by fucked?" I asked.

"Well, I was looking something up online and after I clicked on a link and ton of Spyware started attacking the computer and now I can't do anything," Leland said.

"Were you looking up porn?"

"No, honey. I was looking up guitar tablature."

"Are you sure?" I asked.

"Yes, honey. I swear," Leland said.

"Okay. I just didn't know you could get a virus from guitar tablature."

"Neither did I. It's funny because the first time I tried to download guitar tablature we get a virus but I've downloaded porn several times and nothing ever happens to the computer."

As I have said many times before, Leland is lucky I love him.

I will be stopping by to visit all of you very soon!

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

We Weren't Even Looking Up Porn!

My internet is down. Now that I am back to work I have some access to all of you, but it's gonna be pretty limited. I will be back as soon as my computer is fixed. Until then, have a great day/week!

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

And The Winner Is...and Other Mumbo-Jumbo

It has been a crazy week. I've been doing my best to keep up on all of your blogs, but finding time to write something of substance has proven difficult. And you're not getting it now either.

Remember the giveaway I offered for my 100th post party? Well, I have finally randomly picked a winner. The $25 Fandango gift card goes to The Single Girl!

Thank you all so much for participating!

As for why I have been so busy and my brain is having trouble producing intelligent thought: I am getting older. I am still recovering from the Jimmy Buffett concert on Saturday.

On Saturday morning, Leland and I woke up in time to meet the drunk bus with a bunch of strangers. The drunk bus was taking us to the Jimmy Buffett concert. And since it was Leland and I, along with another member of our wolf pack Rachel, naturally we brought the beer bong. We started doing beer bongs at 10am.

The concert was a typical Jimmy Buffett concert. People got drunk. People got naked. I'm happy to say I succeeded in keeping my clothes on this year. That hasn't been the case in years past.

So, like I was saying, we started drinking at 10am. After a while, things like this started happening:

I think my ass was wet and I was trying to get the heat from the grill to dry it off. I think.

Then Leland decided to give a guy a lap dance.

I think they both enjoyed it, but they were also both very drunk.

I don't really know what is going on in this picture.

They were all strangers when we met, but a countless number of beers and margaritas later, we left as friends. And they were all kind enough to post the incriminating photos on facebook.

I know the concert was on Saturday and I should totally be back to myself by now, but it has been a really long time since I spent....hold on while I count...15 hours drinking. I was pretty much wrecked on Sunday and then this whole week has been so tiring and stressful at work. I just can't seem to get enough sleep. Thank goddess for the 3-day weekend coming up. I just don't bounce back the way I used to. It's a sad story.